I won. and i hate it.

As of 11:59 tonight, I win.
I'm jumping the gun by a few hours but hey, it's okay.
I won.
And that. completely. blows.

I miss you :(

10/14/64 - 12/11/00

Only The Good Die Young.

I Love you.

May you continue to rest in peace, always.

<3

They used to call me Ace...

that died too.

That part of me is dead. Gone. never. coming. back.

And I guess partially that's okay.

But it still hurts all the same.

Get me the hell out.

who are you to judge me? who are you to decide what i'm feeling, about who, and why? this is called getting to know each other, and that's it. it's nothing serious and he's too good of a guy to want me anyways, so f it, i'm done explaining that to everyone.

because thinking it over.. i've come to realize that he's way too good for me. he's so amazing and i've truly enjoyed all the time i've spent talking with him and the hours we sat just sitting there talking to each other about the most random things. it was the best night i'd had in forever and it made me feel more complete than anything, and i don't want to throw that all away. but.. i feel like there's so much better out there and why he'd want to settle for me, i don't know. that's probably why he knows that- he's not settling and he's just gonna skim on by.

that's what they all have done so far, and it's what they willl continue to do in the future.

Venting...

So tomorrow is the day that I bring a guy home for the first time. To introduce him to my parents, have them meet him, sit down, talk to him, and get to know him. And I already know they're gonna love him, he's a really good guy. He's sweet and funny and caring and he's everything that my "daddy's always wanted for his little girl." Plus, he's going to meet my brother. Which is a huge step for me, because I only introduce people to my brother who are of super significant importance to me, (which means by the way while i'm thinking about it ian, kevin and taylor, you all need to meet him!) because part of his disability is the fact that he gets really attached to people so i only introduce him to people who are going to stay in his life for a very long time.

now onto the day.... i havent blogged in a few days but today is one of those days that i need it.

Shit happens. One of my best friends told me that he doesn't love me. Which is a very painful thing to hear, because I've layed a lot out on the line and opened up at lot lately to people who seem to care... so who else is gonna do that to me now? My jaw dropped, my body tensed, and I walked away. I thought I was going to cry. I really did. It was horrible.

Mod B, someone made fun of my brother. I don't care how nice he is, what's he's been through or what he's currently going through. You do. not. make. fun. of. my. brother. And then, people get angry at me for getting defensive over my brother.. cut me some slack. better yet, cut me the whole god damned rope, because my brother is the one person in my life who NEEDS ME, he needs me every single day of his life, without me, my brother wouldn't have half of the things he has today. I have sacrificed so much for that kid, and I'd do it all over again. Everything I do is for him, so think twice before you stick it in my face, kiddo, seriously. You don't know shit about me.

So then discussing the events of mod b afterwards, she gets angry with me because she thinks that i'm upset because of nick. It had nothing to do with him. And she snapped at me for it. She genuinely had no reason to, telling me to cut him slack because of the hell he is going through. Sorry but me cutting Nick slack was me forgiving him for walking out on me. I wasn't even upset with him in the first place. I never thought that you'd get upset and yell at the one person who has stood by your side through everything, no matter what.

It hurts, it really does. I'm not angry. I'm really not. I'm hurt. Genuinely and deeply hurt. I don't know how else to explain it.

But, shit happens and people snap at you for the things that mean the most to them.

It is what it is, and no one can change it. But for right now, I'm going to continue being upset.

OH! TAYLOR! Your haircut looks amazing, and thanks for listening to me today.

ahhhh.

X's and O's

Cause it's a cold, cold december...

Ahhh December... it's the worst month of the entire year because all you want is vacation, so the remainder of the time before then is completely useless, because your mind set is on the new years eve parties and sleeping in late every day for like, two weeks.

But today was the day that hell froze over. I've always said that the day Nick apologized to me would be the day that hell indeed did freeze over. So, that day is today.

There's so much that I could sit here and rant about, like getting corrosive acid on my hand and burning my fingers in chemistry, but it's only going to make this feeling worse, soooo.

This is it for me. I've cashed in my chips, I'm all done. I'll never giving up on you, because I can't ever let you go, but I can't keep trying to make you feel something if you don't. Either you do or you don't... and I'm really not sure which it is.

So I am going upstairs to do some algebra homework that I don't understand and then US History and other such stupid things of the sort.

Here's to driving barefoot <3

vrooom vrooooom.
I love driving in rain. It just gets me out and I can roam the world <3
Okay fine, Manchester and Hooksett. But I can do it!
vrooom vroooooom.

Anyways.

I'm not going to discuss today's events. Because none of it was my fault. Mod B, Nick's truck, all of, nothing to do with me, so I'm not going to drag myself down with it.

I'm going to open my heart and let the emotion leap out. :)

If only you could see what it is that you do to me. Every time I hear your name my ears perk up like antennae. Like, not literally, its physically impossible to do that, but they do, they're like pretuned to your name. And today when I was walking up the stairs I saw one of those repair guys walking out of the gym and he looked so much like you that i thought it was and my heart skipped a beat and i had to start gasping for air. i smile when i see your truck and my mind doesn't stay off of you. you are one amazing individual, and every time i look into your eyes i melt. i really do. you have the most amazing eyes ever <3. your caring and funny and nice and after some of the things i've been through i've never thought that i'd end up this way, wanting you, and only you. i can't explain how... completed that makes me feel. i really can't. it's like that fuzzy warm sitting in front of a fireplace feeling. and i don't ever want that to go away. you've made me whole again, made me better, fixed what was wrong. someone like you has been impossible to find thusfar and i never wanna let go.<3

SEJRDVJ IM SO EXCITEDD!!

So I'm slowly working my way back into the dance world, right? and i was putting in a piece of something i did in an old routine, its hard to explain in plain english but its like a jump thing, and i just got INCREDIBLE HEIGHT!

i'm so excited. you have no idea.

this means.. that my back is finally starting to fully heal.

HELL YEAH!

its the little things you do that go unnoticed... so i think, that its time to just get on with my life. there's gotta be better out there, right? its time to make my life worth living again...

it's the holiday season?

it's officially "happy holidays," but is anyone ACTUALLY happy?

It doesn't feel like winter and certainly doesn't feel like the holidays.

it ticks just like a timex... that never lets up on you.

I never saw myself as a weak individual. I'd been through a lot- not more than most, but still a lot- deaths of people close to me, and things like watching your close friends walk away from you, or not being able to dance because of an injury or two. I'd been able to get through all of that. And still managed to come out on top. It wasn't until these past few months that I have realized, I am a quitter. I. am. weak. I am one weak willed, bail me out of jail individual. This is going to be a pretty deep post, so stop reading now if you're gonna give me crap about it.

So in this class they have called American Studies, there was a girl fighting her ass off to scrape by. Struggling to pass with a hardly satisfactory grade. This went on and on. She tried everything- different study habits, note taking, everything. And still, she resulted in fourty percents and misery. Stressed out to the max, she's breaking down in a heap with all those textbooks open sprawled out around her. Not knowing what tomorrow would bring, she'd put every ounce she could muster into it, only to get shot down each and every time she tried to participate, or even attempt to answer a question up to par. She did this day in and day out for September. And October. And part of November. And by that point, the 60's in English and the 40's in history had piled high enough, and dealing with two teachers who had college expectations in a high school classroom, she did what needed to be done- and walked away. After being told

You never striked me as the type to throw in the white flag. You've always seemed stubborn enough to go for what you want.

Well, she threw in that white flag. She became a quitter.

One year previous, she had been given the biggest honor she'd ever dreamed of- Dance Team Captain. Narrowly, but she had made it. She could take her visions, her hopes, her dreams, and shape this team she loved with all her heart into something amazing, in the effort that everyone a part of it would feel what she felt- that this team would be substantial, dynamite, a force to be reckoned with. Unstoppable. Unsinkable. But the TItanic still went down anyway, Leonardo DiCaprio still froze miserably, Kate Winslet left heartbroken, and the beautiful gem she once loved with all her heart only now a memory in the bottom of the deepest depths of the Atlantic. It crumbled under her reign, for she was never a proper leader. She never did anything right, and more times than one were spent in an office with a coordinator with no compassion for her as those tears fell. Just to throw that extra log on the fire, she was given a cocaptain, kicked off of the position that she'd worked hard for almost two years to uphold. The new girl, had done nothing to deserve this, she put in no effort, she didn't strain herself time and time again, she didn't dance on a completely busted wrist or a bad knee. She hadn't been exiled the entire year previous to push and shove her way into the position she deserved to have, no matter how anyone looked at it. SO after six months, enough was enough, and she walked away from her dreams, once and for all. She became a quitter.

A bit into the personal level now, she gave years of her life loving someone who she always knew was worth the time she was giving him. She wanted him in her life more than anything. Never having felt this way, she layed it all out on the line for him. And much to her surprise, he returned it. After over three and a half years of dancing in a circle, looking back and always regretting, she was finally happy. Everything else was insignificant if it didn't involve him, and it was most important to her at that time to have his support, to have him there to hold her, kiss her gently, and say, no matter what happens, I will be here, loving you. And when her fairy tale romance ended, the castle that represented her life came crashing down with it. After many rivers cried, bridges rebuilt, he went back to her, and he rebuilt her kingdom. But no princess shall live in a castle for too long, and the prince found himself a new courtship to attain to. And she did not fight for it. He walked away and she let him. She fought the odds for him for years, and she couldn't fight for him anymore. Because it was at this point that she knew, she would never be his ever again. She let him go. She is a quitter.

After that inital ache was past, she found someone who completed the pieces of her heart, made her feel whole again. Worthwhile, even. He made her life worth living, never realizinge exactly what he had done that saved her life. But he had someone else who cared about him in the same way she did, and she stepped aside and let him make his decision. Which, somehow, did not include her. Thankful to at least have someone this special in her life, she let him go too. She never fought hard enough for him. She had failed him. She became a quitter.

So then she turned to someone entirely new, and give him almost everything she was. She was open and expressive with him, and he returned. SHe let him in, and got herself attached. He betrayed her. He chose his girlfriend over her, and he betrayed her. And she didn't fight back against that. How could she? She became a quitter. she got I TOLD YOU SO spat in her face by her close friend, and stabbed in the heart by them both. She couldn't even decipher which one hurt more.

Meanwhile, this girl had started out somewhere new. She never did anything to her knowledge to anger anyone, and always did what was asked of her. And for the most part, it seemed she was accepted there. But it turns out, she's not sure if she was. She'd tried so hard to be, and gave up trying. Because quite frankly there was nothing she could do about it. She became a quitter.

And then this girl got a job at aplace that touched her heart and truly hit home. Here, she does great things for great people every day. She helps to support the people who can't always support themselves. She loves what she does, and hopes to continue forth being a part of that community. If only they knew how important work was to her, if only they could see how being there erases everything else thats going on with her life, how it truly saves her, every single day.

But most importantly, she has tried to show you what he did to her. What damage he caused her. Because you don't fully see it. You don't feel it. You understand it, you have listened, but she has tried to warn you on who he is and exactly what he is capable of doing. But, she can't tell you anymore. She will stand by you, always, and she will never leave you. But she has warned you. She's done trying to explain- she gave up trying- she became a quitter.

She's waiting now for her life to turn around, to become worth living again.

&& She's waited patiently.

You better go and get your armor....

you just dont get it, do you?

no one will ever fully understand the exact pain that i feel right now, and that i have felt for a long time coming, and that i don't know when exactly will go away. no one will quite understand that nothing can completely fix everything thats been done;; everything that's been said. it can't, it really can't.

luckily for me, there is one single way that takes away from that, that makes me drop it, forget it, leave it all behind for a few hours, let my mind escape out of the depths of your darkness. and now, even that's not working anymore.

i'm done carrying this on my shoulders.

word of the wise- trust no one.

"And there's so much to be thankful for"

First and foremost, I am thankful for my brother. Because he shows me the meaning of life, the true meaning, every single day. He is my inspiration, my life, and he makes me who I want to be. He's the best person in this world to date, and that will never change. I love you <3
Also, for my parents, who have always stood by me and supported me, and helped me through anything, because even though they frustrate me and I want to walk out half the time, I really do have amazing parents, and I am thankful that their relationship has weathered the storms of our life and still going <3

But my main reason for this post was to write what I am truly thankful for.. unfamily related.

Firstly, yes I just made up that word, Ian. Because from the first day that I started talking to you, you were supportive of me. Not once have you judged me, my feelings, or what I say or do. You've backed me up on everything 100 percent since day one. You've not once turned your back on me, not once looked away, and you have never, ever betrayed me. You don't know what your friendship has meant to me, and I am so thankful for all the things that you've done over the past, six months or so? Because that's how long we have been friends, and every day of those six months you have been by my side and been like a dream, you are amazing, and I can never express how thankful I am for everything that you've done for me. Happy Thanksgiving :)

Ashleigh. you are without a doubt my best friend, and i absolutely love you to pieces. you've supported me through thick and thin and no matter what i know that you'll be there to listen to me and help me in any way that you can. and i hope that you know that i will never leave you, never walk away, despite anything that can happen. there will be rough points, because sisters fight every now and again <3

Kevin Owen Kelley, where the hell am I supposed to start. For two years I walked right by you, way too scared to stop and talk to you. So I didn't. But I am thankful that today, and every day from here on out, I know I can count on you, and that if I ever need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to get all up in my face and make me laugh, I know exactly who I can turn to. You are one amazing individual, and I am so happy to have you in my life.

Taylor :) haha from the first day I sat down and introduced myself, you looked at me with a completely straight face and said, I know. And that really took me by surprise; I've never had anyone do something like that to me. And ever since that day you have been one of those people who I have been able to count on, and truly talk to. And you always have the best words of wisdom, and you look out for MY best interests, and what's going to be best for ME. Thank you, for always listening to every last word I have to say, and being one of those friends that I've needed to be compassionate but to tell me how it really is. :)

Katie ! I'll never be able to thank you enough for all your help over the years, especially freshman year, you know what I'm talking about... if not for you I would have probably stayed there, put myself through hell, and probably would have gotten a whole lot more hurt than I did. You truly are a guardian angel, and I couldn't have gotten through that without you. And you know that I am always here for you, that I will do whatever it takes for you, because I help those who help me.

Lastly, there is one person that I am thankful for. Not for him, but for his actions. I am thankful that he broke my heart, that it ripped it out and stomped on it, that he didn't care enough to be gentle, I am thankful that he killed me inside for so long. Why? Because by doing this, he made me strong. He built me up inside, after years of tearing me down. He made life hell, he made me want to die some days, he made me cry and wonder what on earth I did to deserve this. But because of him, I have gotten close to someone that I never would have pictured. I've gotten the opportunity to meet someone that I wouldn't have met before. I've been able to spend time with someone that I deeply care about, and I can openly do that, because of what you did to try to destroy me. Look at me now, though- I'm not destroyed, I'm not down. Because of you, I have him in my life, and that is one of the biggest things I have to be thankful for.

So thank you for breaking my heart, for making me want to die, for making my life a miserable, living hell.

I'll never be able to repay you for it.

Because of that, I am happy. He makes me happy. I am thankful for Scott, the one person in my life that can stop my heart just by walking by<3

Happy Thanksgiving everybody, I love you all :)

Time to wrap Christmas presentsssss.

SO I just watched the AMA's... Holy Crappp Adam Lambert you disgust me... that was the most disgusting thing I have ever watched... how could you...

Anyways.

The last few days have been... rough. I haven't seen Scott in almost a week. Which I know isn't horrible, I've still gotten to talk to him, which is great :D I just misssss him, that's allll. :)

I need to make my position known, however, that I am standing behind Ashleigh today, tomorrow, and every day after that. Even though I do not like her choice to date him, it is her choice, and her choice only. I will not leave her, not because of this.

Even if I want to gut him with my car keys and bash his head in with the tire iron, as he so nicely offered me this morning.

He's done screwing with my life and I'm just really relieved that Scott knew that I wasn't hiding things from him, and I was relieved that he wasn't angry.

So tonight I will be closing store with Holly, my favorite of the supervisors :) I know I'm not to play favorites but oh bloody hell I do! Ahaha. It's gonna be a great night, I see it :)

Cause he's a, a good time, cowboy casanova, leanin' up against the record machine.

Oh and Kevin, it's on kiddo. It's on.

I'm off to get ready for work... need coffee :)

Drawing Things Out....

I'm just going to say, so that it is blunt and clear to everyone, I do not draw because I like to. I do not draw to take up time, or make myself happy, or because it's a hobby. I draw to vent, when I get truly, badly, to the bone upset.

(I have to say though, stars do not count.)

When I get inspiration to draw something, it's because something has affected me so deeply that I can't get it out of my head...

and to get it out, i draw it in picture form. and i put every ounce of effort i can muster into it. and nothing can break it, honestly.

it's me going into my own little world, escaping into depths created by pencil and smudges, and getting the hell out of whatever's upset me.

just.. thought i'd like to clear that up.

I didn't blog yesterday...

For the first time since I have started this blog, I didn't sit down to write what I was feeling for the world to see. That kind of makes me upset in a sense, because I always get out my feelings on here, no matter what those feelings may be. I don't know, I'm like, dedicated to my blog. Even when I had the flu, I still blogged about what I was feeling.

So right now I'm at my grandparents house. But they're not really my grandparents. I think that's what todays blog is going to be about... the story on my family and why it is the way it is.

My "grandparents" are really my dad's best friend's parents. They are in no way biologically related to me. But I've known them since I was born, and my dad's parents were never really in my life. My biological grandmother was really sick, and she died in, i don't even know to be quite honest, like, 2000 maybe? I don't even remember if I went to the funeral or not. Because I didn't really know her, all I remember of her is that my dad used to go pick her up at her house on Christmas morning after we went to church, and she'd come to the house for a few hours to give us cards with money in them. Then my dad would drive her back home. I really don't remember her at all. I can't tell you what she looks like, I know her name, but that's pretty much it. And that she is my dad's mother.

But the memere that I know and love to death is my dad's best friend's mom. She's always looked at me as her granddaughter, and treats me as one of her own. My dad is an only child, as is his best friend, so in a sense they're brothers to each other. My dad and him were inseperable since they met at Hillside, and their days at Central were definitely days that are forever engraved in the walls. Trust me, you wouldn't believe some of the things they did back in those days. Quite funny, though. Anyways, so I never even knew that she wasn't actually my grandmother until I was old enough to understand the concept. Because whenever my parents had to go away like when my grandmother got sick in Florida, we always stayed with my Memere. Because in a sense she's like a mother to my dad, and I never really knew the difference.

Now that I am old enough to understand the difference, I don't see one. My Memere is so special, that when the day comes that she feels she is going to take her last breath, I will be there holding her hand. She's done so much for me and my family that my grandparents that are biological have never done and never will do, probably. She's incredible.

And that is why I took the night off from work tonight to be with her, because I have never missed a holiday at her house, and never plan on doing so in the future either. That is why I chose not to go to Homecoming, and chose to come here instead. Because I know that she looks at me like her own granddaughter, and I look to her as my grandmother.

Because she is.

That's why people don't understand when I say I have 5 grandparents. I have my mom's dad, his wife, my dad's dad, and then I have my Memere and Pepere.

But this just furthers my point that the power of a true friend is amazing, because of my dad's true friendship, I have these incredible people in my life who would do anything for me.

This is why you never underestimate the power of who your true friends really are.

And why you stand by them and support them no matter what, because when that is all said and done at the end of the day, you'll have people who like, you can trust your kid's life with.

That's what happened with me. my dad's friendship turned into that.

These are friends who never backed down from each other, and supported each other through thick and thin.

True friends. Who never leave.

I need to quit my complaining.

Seriously. Everything I complain about... is all pointless. It's just rambling. It's ridiculous, really, it is...

I never realized how easy my life is compared to anyone else's up until this very moment.

Sure, I've never been able to pick up and leave and spend three straight days at a friends house in the summer, because I have a brother with a disability who can't be home alone. And sure, I'm going to go to college in New England somewhere close to home and I'll be there like. every weekend. I can't say I have a normal life, because I don't, I deal with a lot of things people don't. I'm stuck home most days when I'm not at school to answer a phone that hardly rings, and take care of someone who doesn't need taking care of.

But it's my life, and it works for me.

I always thought I had it rough, being in the situation I'm in, but I realize that hey, everyone deals with shit, and I have a lot to be happy with and proud of, and I am. I have a brother who shows me the meaning of life, simply, every single time i look at him. I have two parents who have been together since high school, and have made it through a lot of family trauma that people probably wouldn't believe if I told you. I have a car, and a job, and I support myself on my own every single day.

And lastly and MOST importantly, I have the most amazing friends, who I love all to death, that I would do ANYTHING for.

If anyone hurts one of my friends ever again, I'm going to become completely badass and make you hurt... ten times over. Because being a good girl can only get you so far in this life, mine especially, so you might want to watch what you say and who you say it to from now on.

X's and O's.

Help, I need somebody, help, not just anybody

Help, you know I need someone, help...

My brother was just listening to that on full house.

but i bet it made you click view really fast!

anyways.

Sooo. today. what happened today? I went to mod b with nick there and didnt want to rip his face off. Good. I got one of the best iced coffees i've ever tasted. Good. It's pay day tomorrow. Good. I had to wear my brace again. Bad. My hands froze as a result. Bad. I'm still listening to nick bitch. Bad.

I got new glasses. Good. Seriously, they're freaking intense, and I love them a lot. They look like they were made for me. I'm totally stoked over something this simple? Yes. They're me, like, seriously. They're metallic silver with like blue swirlys on the sides, they're so amazing.

And I made a deal with the sales woman- I'll give her my goodwill discount if she gives me her lenscrafters discount. haha, i'm good like that. it pays to know people :) she gave my brother her discount too, i was like awww, thanks! :)

So tomorrow I get to pick them up :) I'm excited.

And i got my photo shoot pics back! they look great. i'm really happy.


X's and O's

why are you back here?!

Why are you back here?

Haven't you hurt me enough?

What made you want to come back?

Is it something you did? Something I said?

Your back, and am I happy about it?

But why are you back here?

And. If I walked away right now,

would you follow me?

Are we about to find out?

Would you run after me,

and want to fix things?

I don't know, but are you

willing to try?


I'm really not sure of anything right now.

Goddamned wrist brace

Ugh, I can't stand this brace, it's so annoying :(

But.. because of you, I had a completee break down today. I couldn't control my emotions, they took over me completely, a huge wave crashing down on me. I hate not being able to control it. I'm not like that. I'm in control of what I feel, always. I can fix it, make it better for myself.

But not today.

I couldn't face it. I couldn't see you. It was so excruciating to do, it's unbelieveable. i can't believe it. it hurts too much.

I hate how I feel about you.

Oh, I'll just be going now... don't mind me.

You wanna know what I want? I'll tell you what I want. I want you to be sorry for the month that I wasted on you. I want that month back. I want someone who isn't going to string me along for the ride. Someone who when I say "am I worth it, do I have a chance," he says, "yes," not "just give up cause idk what's going to happen." that's what I want.

I want you to stop playing me.

But I'm not going to let you do that anymore. I'm finished with you. You broke my heart in more ways than one. I betrayed all odds, and even went against what my friends said I should do. How could I not listen to them? They saw everything you are, the things I didn't see. I saw it, just chose to ignore it.

But I'm not ignoring it now.

I hope being one of the biggest players I've ever known suits you... that's sure to get you really far in life.

So now I'll turn to myself to pick up the pieces and make it better, repair what's broken. Because I know for sure that you don't care how bad I'm hurting because of what you've done. You won't see it, because you won't look.

I know now that I never meant anything at all, but so my one question is what was I to you? Someone to cheat on your gf with when she was cheating on you? I don't know.

Do I want to know? I'm not sure.

But you're so stubborn that I guess I'll never really know.

frozen in time

i don't want to talk about it.
end of story.

"I'll let you know tonight."

Alrighty, here goes. It is currently 7:52 AM, and in that time, I have already had enough happen that I can write about. That's messed up, that really is, just in case you were wondering. It doesn't exactly thrill me.

So I've decided that blog land is going to have to quiet down some, because even if i post as the first sentence that im just in one of my moods and not to read it if your not going to like it, it gets read anyways and everyones reactions are exactly what i knew they would be.

everyones either trying to mask it or get angry with me about it. okay maybe masking it isnt quite the right term i'm not really sure what the right term is, (its 7:54AM, cut me some slack.) but I appreciate the thought, I really do, you took the time to say the words that you thought would make me feel better, and they did but its just kinda, idk. i feel like there's so much more that i could say, but... i'm not going to.

and getting angry about it? how is that going to help me? i know what your situation was, i was the only person who didn't leave you because of it. i cant expect you to understand some of the things that go on inside my head and why i am this way at this given point, because i can't explain it to you. there is not one single person who knows why that is the way it is. and i intend to keep it that way. because if the real reason why did come out, it could be catastrophic. people would again, try and mask it, or get angry about it.

and i'm sorry if i can't let my friends get angry over my emotions. i've never gotten angry over yours.

So I woke up this morning feeling optomistic. And now I'm back down in my slump of.. whatever the hell this is.

But i'm done with this blog thing because... no one ever really reads between the lines anyways.

X's and O's

45 daaays till i win.

idk, im kind of having one of those moments again, so if you dont really feel like listening to something depressing i suggest you just leave now.

like everyone does.

i'm having that feeling that like, i'm not fully wanted. i'm wanted, but to what extent? people who say that they want me, that they'd take me, they'd date me... but they all had chances. they all let them go. slip through their fingers. and i'm trying to be hopeful by saying..

"every long lost dream, lead me to where you are. others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars. pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. this much i know, is true. that god blessed the broken road, that led me straight to you "

Yeah. Right. that's a lie. every time i think its gonna work out it never does. there is always someone else standing in the way. last year with travis it was erica. last year with nick it was alex. this year, i'm not going to list names because i think it would be hurtful, but primarily, with scott it's the gf. i'm not good enough. i'm not erica, or alex, or *said other girls* or scott's gf (it would be so much easier if i knew her name...) i'm not good enough. i'm not any of them. and i won't be at all. ever.

all i can be is me. i am who i am and that's the only person i can be. i've never been happy with who i am, everyone knows that. i just want to be the ONE AND ONLY for someone.. the one person that makes your world complete and better. i want to be the one person that you think of when you wake up in the morning. i want to be the one you point at and say thats her. i'm so cliche but i want my fairy tale. i'm tired of getting it stuck to me over and over. i'm so sick of getting screwed.

now sure, things are okay with scott. but theres still someone else in the picture. it's ridiculous. i'm not that special someone. i haven't been that special someone to anyone and i won't be that special someone to anyone in the near future simply because everyone has someone. like her. she's so lucky. she has scott- and scott is everything i want in a guy and then some.

i dnt understand why every single force of nature is pushing me away. throwing me off my course. i don't understand it i really don't. i've been a good person. i help others and i'm supportive and i've never backed down from a situation that i didn't like. i've been a good person... havent i?

so if that's true, why can't i be happy? i look happy... i look supportive and my mouth will form a smile- but read. my. eyes. they're not smiling. they're hurting. a lot.

Truth is guys, I look so happy. I do. But I'm not. And I know why. Everyone knows why. And at this particular moment, there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

It's been my dream since I met him for a guy like Scott to fall for me. It honestly has. Since I met him I always had this weird twisted idea that me and someone like him would be together. Simply because he's so different from the type of guy that I usually date. But at the same time, he's not. He's a black tshirt, as Dylan would call him.

I'm done hurting.

Wait... not really, just done writing.

goodness me.

I swear on everything thats holy, if you come near me one more time, I'm going to reach out, and pull every single one of your teeth out one by one. And then, I will proceed to pull your intestines out through your nose.

Oh yeah. Go ahead. Try me.

There goes my life... In Memoriam, Take Two.

there goes my future, my everything, i might as well, kiss it all goodbye.

There goes my life.

I really hate how my mood goes up and down and up and down like a goddamned rollercoaster. It's insane and I can't stand it.

Anyways, as I was re reading past entries, I realized its time I edit my most popular one, so lets call this take two.

Everything in the beginning of that post is true. how we met, how amazing it was, and all that other such bullshit. Up until the beginning of this year you made my life what it had been up until that point, but now, as this new title reflects, there goes my life. there goes my future, my everything, i might as well, kiss it all goodbye.

There goes my life.

From the very moment I found out that you liked Ashleigh is when I really started to hate you. For her I was there. Even though you made her happy I still hated you. You went after her after you promised me you wouldnt. You've never lied to me, never broken a promise to me. After 4 1/2 years or so I'd trusted you with every fiber of my being and you broke it. All of it. You broke my heart and my trust. But I'd been used to being heartbroken by you. I knew how to deal with it, how to fix it. That's one experience I wish I'd never gotten used to- but you did it so much that I did. And that I can get through. Hell, I have gotten through it, without much help FROM you, might I add. But anyhowww. I can never forgive you for betraying me that way.

Now that I am on the right track again, making things work for myself, you call me a whore. That right there, is exactly what did it. You. called. me. a. whore. I'm sort of curious now what you would say to me if I gave you the chance. But I refuse to give you the time of day anymore. You don't deserve that. But still, you called me a whore. I'd never been so angry with you as I was right then. I can never forgive you for that. This year is when you really screwed things up for yourself. Seriously. You were one of the best parts of my life for so long and now that your not in it anymore my life has become so much less complicated and so much easier to deal with. So much of what I've had to deal with can be traced back to you and the shit that you've put me through. But it's done. I'm not talking about it anymore. I"m not letting you run my life.

You think that you can control everything, every part of what I do. Like, thinking that you can control when I talk to Scott by standing at his truck in the morning? Please. I'll go anyway, regardless of what you think. But your done ruining my life. So many times I've said, it's going to be a good day. And then when it's not, I back track on everything that made it go wrong. And all those signs lead to you. Every single time. You're even the reason why Scott sometimes shys away from me- because he thinks that I'm not fully over you. Which isn't true, but Scott doesn't know me well enough yet to see it. I don't think anyone really believes it to be quite honest. But everyone doesn't see inside my head, hopefully this will be enough proof to everyone of how much I hate you right now.

I know hate is a strong word. And I know I've also said that I have a hard time hating anyone. But hating YOU, has become so much easier lately that it's better off that I do. Because the more I hate you the less I can care about whatever it is you do with your pathetic excuse for a life. I never really quite expected myself to feel this away against you. it's kind of a shock to feel this way, really. But, it is what it is. And that's okay with me. It's okay with me that I hate you, even though it's against everything that I've ever said and ever believed in.

Because times change, and, people change.

You most definitely are not the person I met in 7th grade. You're not the Romeo that swept me back off my feet when you galloped back into my life in 8th. You're not the solid rock to support me that you were in 9th. You're not the one that I loved in 10th. You're not any of it. You are so much of a different person now, and the fact that you changed SO FAST makes me sick to even think about, let alone try to comprehend. I don't know half the things that make you who you are, even though I thought I used to.

I'd said for so long that part of me would always love you. But even that part of me is gone now. it's judgement day- and i can see so clearly now that you're not in my life. Period. you're a stranger, just a face in the crowd. I don't know you anymore at all.

The real you wouldn't act this way towards me. So my one question is, who are you trying to be?

And more importantly, why?

What the hell...

Okay, I seriously feel like I've fallen out of a tree then gotten run over by a bus. It's ridiculous. I like can't function. But my parents and brother just left for an hour or so, so I am taking advantage of the quiet time to get everything out because otherwise I don't think I'll have the chance over the next few days.

So. Last night. One of the best nights, ever. Period. I punched the mack truck as Kevin would say and went anyways. And I had a really good time. Oh and Taylor, still can't believe you wasted thirty one minutes of my life. Hahah, just kiddinggg :) idk how to explain it besides saying that hanging out and kicking back with real people. Real people who have real emotions, and stand true to their words. It just makes me feel so better knowing that there are people out there who are real and that the others that have influenced me for so long aren't real people. They are broken fragments of soul inside the shape of a human body. That's exactly what they (he) are (is.) It's taken me so long to realize that. But I have.

I just want to take a few seconds before I start ranting to thank Ian. Because there are a very, very short number of people who would answer the phone well past one in the morning, but he did. And he helped me through it. I can't explain enough what having that meant to me. That someone cared enough to talk to me about what had just happened. So Ian, thank you, you really are one of the best friends that I have. And Taylor, you as well, for giving me that boost of confidence that I probably otherwise wouldn't have gotten. No one else was as straightforward with me as you were, and I really appreciate that. Kevin, do I really need to explain what I'm saying thank you for? You were there for me. Period. even though its your fault i'm sick! haha :)

Oh, and Ashleigh, for having a KICKASS party and inviting me :D!

But back to what I was saying before. At said kickass party this morning, I heard some things that... shocked me. I'm not angry, I'm not, let me make that clear. I'm just shocked at some true opinions and a few things that were said I wasn't really sure how to take. It was legitimately, like a slap across the face, a wake up call. But I just want to point out that I do understand a lot of it, and that I do know what I am doing to myself. I know the damage that Nick has put me under. I know how I am trying to fix it. Maybe you don't agree with that, but I'm going off of prior experience. When he tore my heart to shreds the first time, the only thing that fixed it was finding someone to make it whole again. And that's what I'm doing- trying to find that someone who can make me feel better about myself as a person. Because we all know I have issues with myself, like self confidence and image and the like, which all date back to seventh grade.

Finally though, I admitted something that's been on my chest for quite some time now, to the people who can help me about it. Now I just have to decide what to do about it. I have all these opinions in my hand, all of them the same, so I just have to figure out exactly what to do now.

Okay, I'm going back to sleep.

Happy Birthday Ashleigh <3

i officially feel like i have been run over by a mack truck. or a peterbuilt, whichever you prefer. but! i am going to punch that truck in the face and go partying tonight :) woooo.

your eyes lit up, it was so great to see you finally happy.

i can't explain this anymore.

First of all, I hate this shit they call rain. I really do. I'm not sure if anyone that reads this knows the reason as to why, Ian might, I may have told him in my many selfish and sickening rants about myself, but other than that I don't really think anyone else knows. Me and Taylor were talking about this earlier- it's so nice having people around you that understand you and what you're going through. You guys are all like.. my support group for life. Seriously. I mean that. You guys are incredible.

I love having tricks up my sleeve. Legit. Leave it to me and I will have SOMETHING planned. Sure, I have a tangable gift (that still needs wrapping, damnit.) that I'll give, and I'll bring you a pumpkin latte, but I still have something else up my sleeve that you are seriously going to keel over and die for. You really will. I'm serious. I'm so glad I have this planned out- it's going to be fabulous. I'm so excited.

Anyways, so today wasn't all that bad of a day. My day started off pretty bummed out realizing the fact that I can't go to basketball this week, because I'm covering a shift at goodwill tonight since everyone's breaking out with swine flu and such. But since I'm good like that I'm taking the spot. Which I don't mind, I can use the money. It's only a 5 hour shift so it's really not all that horrible. So then I was talking to Scott, and he sensed INSTANTLY that something was wrong- just by the words I was typing into a phone. I really have to give him credit, that's a hard skill to muster up. Ask Ian- he's one of the only people who can tell when I'm completely bullshitting about what I'm feeling. But Scott DID that! And somehow cheered me up (even though I didn't particularly need it in the first place?) but I was walking up going to meet Ash, and he says, "no hi, no wave, no smile, nothing?" and i just looked at him and he's like come say hi! and so i did. and Since i have the BEST BEST FRIEND EVER, she met me down there :) i dunno, something about the fact that he knew and cared about what was wrong was awesome. Even if he didn't care enough to follow through on it, it's okay. He's a guy. It's typical. Small steps, small steps.

So now I'm left feeling hopeful that in due time, things with Scott might work out. Maybe not today. And maybe not for awhile. But maybe. Maybe not, and that's a bridge that I am capable of dealing with should it come down to it. But I'm gonna be positive. His eyes are so expressive- I can see his feelings in his eyes.

Plus, the gf isn't the background on his phone anymore. :D fantastic.

I'm making progress.

I feel like such a homewrecker, I really do.

But in the end you can only make yourself happy I suppose.

Am I wrong to be doing this?

he's the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes

So. After a crappy day, genuinely, I'm finally walking down the hallway to get in my freaking car and just freaking drive home.

but BAM! there's the one, the only, taylor :)

I seriously had a spasm of overjoy excitement. and i dont even really know why to be quite honest. we never see each other. like....ever. once in awhile. but just unexpectedly seeing him was amazinggg. it just like... overturned everything that had happened in the previous hours.

so now i am home, with no homework because all my teachers are amazing, today anyway, and i took the longest hottest shower i have ever taken in the past like six months, so now i am feeling so much incredibly better. because hey, no one is here to tell me not to :)

music's wayyy up, and now i am going to go find something fantastic to make myself for lunch.

we'll see how work goes...

"Are we going up, or just going down? It's just a matter of time until we're all found out"

He's candy coated misery.

I really had no idea what I was going to blog about today, because I feel so bogged down with emotion (is bogged a word? not sure..) that I couldn't even put words to it or make it into anything worth reading.

But none of my blogs are really worth reading anyways.

So I figured I'd go see what's going on in everyone elses lives, and read on Ian's of his participation of to write love on her arms :) which is great by the way, everyone should be participating, according to facebook its next friday the 13th so everyone should! I've participated the past few they've had, and it really hits home to me. Simply because I've been there. I've been depressed. I've needed the love and support of others to make it through. I know exactly how it feels. So I will proudly write love on my arm as big as i possibly can while it still looking good. Because people where there for me when I needed them most. And I'll show everyone that I'm there for them too.

Continuing on with this whole love thing, I guess I'll jump right into what's on my mind. And what would that be? That would be that this situation is the exact same situation I was in last year. And I lost so much last year. I lost so much of who I was and my self esteem and everything of that sort. Now it's happening all over again. Why do I ALWAYS FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS?! Because I'm not smart, and have absolutely no common sense. But it is as my sister has always said, it doesn't matter who it is, as long as you are happy, because you can't help who you have feelings for.

Which is true you know. I can't help having feelings for Scott. I just do. It is what it is. But am I happy, eh, that's debatable. I'm not so sure that I am. Because this situation is so similiar to that past one that it's hard to be in it all over again. Since I give the benefit of the doubt so much, I'm giving him the option that this could turn out differently. I'm praying to God every moment of every day that this WILL be different, that this WILL work out in my favor, because I deserve to be happy... I think?

Thinking on it though, do I really deserve to be happy? What have I done to deserve it? I made life miserable for so many people for so many years and those people who are still standing beside me, God bless you, seriously, because you have more strength than anyone for putting up with me. I start too much shit with people, and I'm really not worth the time for anyone. I honestly wonder why I have friends sometimes.

Don't ask why I'm in such a horrible mood, because I don't really know. I don't know what brought this on. It was just completely random. I got this instant surge of pain today when I realized that this situation that I'm in with Scott is the exact situation that I was in with Nick for the majority of last year. And the scars from the Nick situation only being minor marks on the surface now, having had some time to stitch back up, makes them gash back open again. Brings back all the memories of what little light in the tunnel there was and makes me wonder where things went wrong. But obviously it was of my own fault, because he switched away from me in a matter of seconds when he found someone better. Which I can't blame him for, she's absolutely amazing and better than I could ever dream of being. And that's one of the reasons why she's one of my best friends- she brings out the best in me. Even if that's the past now too, it doesn't matter, it's the same feeling right here, right now, today. Now I don't know the other girl in this situation. I don't want to either. But I know that now I'm left with this situation in my face again waiting for him to decide if I'm worth leaving her over.

But I'm not, and I know it. I mean, until I hear the words directly, I can't abandon all hope, because without SOME hope I wouldn't be able to function much if at all. I need SOME hope. But I'm starting to lose all of it. All the hope. the faith. the dreams. everything. I don't know how to do it anymore. How to keep walking with my head held high when I know you're only feet away, sitting in your truck, watching me walk right past you, and not doing a damn thing about it until you see me meet up with another guy and watch him pick me up in a huge hug. Because that's what my friends are there for. But you don't see it that way. Do you understand that that's how I feel knowing in the back of my mind that what I've worked so hard for is being cancelled out at every second because of someone else?

This is eating away at me, and I can't do it anymore. I've tried to talk to you- but something else always gets in the way.

It's not in the cards for me I guess. I'm not supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to help everyone else find their place in the world, so that's what I'm going to do.

In the mean time, it's 1 month and 21 days until I win the bet.

He's a, a good time, coyboy casanova.

I'm going to try not to be offensive because that's not really the message I want to portray. But I'll say whatever I need to say to make my point...

The two of you are FINALLY talking on DECENT terms again, which I have to say in and of itself is downright amazing, and makes me super happy. What it is that you've come to join over doesn't really thrill me all that much. Yeah, I'm talking about myself here. Everyone is telling me to completely stop talking to him and not go near him and all this such bullshit when you don't even know half the story. He genuinely has feelings for me. I know he does. He's even said it himself. The gf is just a bump in the road. I don't care who you are, ending relationships are hard, even if it's to go be with someone else. It's still hard. But what's really going on is we're going to talk about it. just me and him. no one else around. we need to seriously talk and i need to find out if i'm worth anything to him and if i'm worth leaving his gf over. and if i am, then i'm going to be happy with that and wait for that time to come. and if i'm not, i'm going to accept that and walk away.

now everyone wants me to pick the latter of the two, and just walk away regardless. but these past couple weeks or however long its been that i've been talking to him i've felt so much better about myself as an individual so i'm sorry if i'm not quite willing to give that up just yet. there's been empty holes and spaces for so long that are finally filled and i don't want that to go away. i've felt empty ever since nick dumped me and scott makes me feel whole again. repaired, fixed, completed, whatever. and i've officially lost nick for good, whether as a friend or otherwise, and part of that was my decision on my own, because of the fact that he was interfering in this... courtship between me and scott and neither of us were really happy about it. so me and scott decided it would be best for me not to talk to him. actually just kidding. i decided that. scott was behind whatever i chose either way and in the end i decided that nick's not interfering in my life anymore. he's done breaking me into pieces.

scott was the one guy who actually helped put me back together, make me feel better about who i am. i have great friends, who i love all til the end, and they do make me feel better. you guys do, honestly, you do. i can never thank you guys enough for the things you have done for me in the past. but at this particular moment, i need to fix things with scott. talk to him and work it out.

and what i need more than anything is unbiased support. i need you guys there for me so that i know that if i fall someone will be there. i know you guys don't like scott. i understand that. it happens. but i do. he makes me happy. and i hope that you guys can be okay with the fact that even though you don't like him you like the fact that he's been there for me more than any other guy (in a relationship kind of way) has ever been in my past and that's what i really need right now, is that strong shoulder to be leaning against.

my friends have been my rock always, and they will always continue to be that way no matter what. i just hope that they can see beyond him, beyond who is friends are, and whatever else they don't like about him. and see the part of him that cares about me. the part of him that wants to be with me. the part of him that makes me happy with who i am standing here right now.

But enough has come to enough, and i'm ready to straighten all of this out, with everybody. so the final word in this situation is, if he says that i have that chance, to be with him, to be his, then i am going to take it. and if he says that i'm not, i'm going to walk away. and if that does happen, i'm going to need you guys behind me. and if i do get that chance, i'm going to need you guys behind me as well.

i'm overjoyed by the fact that i'm being watched over by people who really care. i just need those people to be there for me like they are right now. i need them to be there for me always. regardless of who he is.

Scott makes me happy, and my friends make me happy. I'm not going to compromise one for the other. I'm not going to ditch scott for my friends. and i'm not going to ditch my friends for scott. I need an equal balance, equilibrium and all that jazz.

I need Scott. Just like I need Ashleigh, and Ian, and Kevin, and Taylor, and everyone else who may or may not be reading this.

I love you guys, thanks for everything that you've been doing. I need you guys to know that I do appreciate it all, so much, but I also need you guys to know that I need to know for sure that you'll be behind me if I get that chance to be happy with Scott.

Thats what I'm afraid of, that's why I'm upset. Because I'm afraid that I'm going to be alone in the end.

And I can't have that... :(

We Can Talk Later.

I can't even find a solid place to begin to talk about what's going through my mind right now. How badly I feel, how much I just want to go out there, grab you right by the neck and choke you until you feel some sort of pain in remorse for all the hell you've been putting me through.

So I was at work, having a really good day actually, since it was Halloween and everything, all dressed up in a completely adorable costume if I do say so myself. I get on my lunch break, text him, and he says that on my next break he'll stop by if he's not out hunting. So next break comes, and so I ask if he's coming.

His response? No, I'm at home. With my girlfriend.

Then he decides that it's okay to be angry with me when I tell him not to wonder why I'm upset. If anyone gets to be upset here it's me. I'm the one who just got toyed with, I'm the one that just got screwed. Do you even understand how it feels to be the one that was cheated WITH? It makes me wonder. Is it me that you want to be with? Because if I was, wouldn't you leave her and be with me? Or am I just some sort of "i'll get back at her because she cheated on me?"

Either way, that leaves me broken and hurting and alone in the end. Either way I get screwed. Just like I did. It feels like someone cut the veins that lead to my heart and so now blood can't pump through the rest of my body. I've said this before I'll say it again- when you mess with the heart you mess with everything else. Simple human anatomy, you know.

I just want to sit down and talk to him. Just me and him. No cell phones, none of his friends all up in my face, and none of mine all up in his. I know you guys are going to call me insane for wanting to try to fix things with him but it's hard knowing what I want and finding out that some outside force that I can't control is standing in my way.

It hurts too much to know that he has someone else. I always thought that I was finally special and important to somebody. But I guess that's just not true either. I just want to be far away from everyone and everything.

HEY! I JUST REALIZED! We have Tuesday off. Ahh this makes me feel so much better :)

Anyway, back to what I was saying before.. I can't do this anymore. I can't be here. I can't work, because I can't be around people. I can't go to school- too many faces are going to tell me either a) that it'll all be okay or b) he's not worth it and to move on. Both are not true so I'm not going to listen to that. I can't live here anymore. I want to move out far somewhere and start over, new life.

Tear off my rearview mirror and never look back. Leave this house, this town, this life. I want out.

Now obviously that's not going to happen so I'm just going to have to embrace this and know that I'm weak and... try to figure something out.

When is it going to stop hurting?

...will it ever?

This is just another bump on the road to being happy.

I've decided that I'm not going to cave and throw in the towel because of this. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and a second chance. Because I think that you deserve it. There's going to be a lot that we need to talk about, for sure, but we can work through this.

We can do it. Together we can conquer it. Fix it, make it better.

And be happy.

Together.

<3

you failed me...

you like me, you want to be with me, you want that chance to me, you kiss me, you hug me, you wait for me...

but you have a girlfriend?

i'm not sure i understand the emotion i am feeling right now...

Feel better, Damnit!

So much to talk abouttttt.

So AMSTUD History teacher assigns a "one to two paged essay" due the next morning... on a topic so vague I had no idea where to start. I didn't even know how to answer the darned question. I'm still shaky about what I finally passed in. It was hard getting it done too, as you'll see below, but I surprised even myself and managed to turn out some quality, as you'll see below as well, considering the circumstance.

Last night, work 3:30 to 9:30. With a supervisor who I don't always see eye to eye with necessarily, but that can be worked out and around without all that much of an effort. But, as working the cash register, by myself, I hit my head on the counter. It's really quite simple, I went to throw something in the trash can and hit my head. Killed like you wouldn't believe, and still does. I looked like a total idiot walking around with the heel of my hand up against my head where I'd just hit it. But I was also the ONLY person working the sales floor. By myself. Which in some cases I find quite honorable, seeing as they have enough faith in me to do that. I think it's great, you know. But on the second hand, I've been there a matter of not quite two months now, and how do I feel about working the whole floor alone? I don't like it. And then I asked my supervisor about it, asking if I could have some help or at least a replacement, it was denyed? Whatever....
My head still kills :(

Then I get home, and my dad is LIVID. I can see it in his eyes. He found my away message, which stated "how am i supposed to write a two paged essay while working till 930? hmmm... text me" and so, he saw that i had an essay, that I had not written, at all. flipped out, completely. how he'd take my car and ground me for so long that i'd have to learn how to use a computer again by the time i saw it next. whole nine yards. what pissed him off though is that i had NO idea who had IMed me, simply because they IM'ed my away message... I hadn't actually said anything and knew nothing about it. And he thought I was lying to him. When I really wasn't, you know? I didn't know. It's better now though I think... not quite sure? Hmm.

Due to that, it was a bit of a rough morning. So I left the house a few minutes earlier than I usually do, and treated myself to a much needed and well deserved iced coffee. Yep, I'd drink an iced coffee in 40 degree weather. I didn't really care how cold it was to be honest, it was more for the content. Plus I'm one of those major straw chewers, which I know is horrible, but it just made me feel better. So while drinking my iced coffee and walking up the street with Ashleigh, we were going to stop and say hello to scottt <3 But wait. We can't. Nick's there! Which I downright and completely refuse to be there while Nick is. I can't be around him, I'm done with him, and I'm officially refusing to be under his spell of tortures anymore. Ashleigh feels the same way, although I think she'd actually cause him physical harm if she was close enough. So we just kept walking. Scott was upset by this- and I told him, and he understood. After a little convincing. But hey, it's cool. Got to meet up with him a few times today, which was nice having someone care, ask you how your days going, give you a kiss and say it's going to be okay. And then when your on your way out, telling you to take it easy. In a good way, haha. He's so great- he's that light at the end of the tunnel. I knew there was a reason for all of this and that reason being I came out becoming close to him. It's still early, and I know that. But it's okay. I'm content. <3

So back to the AMSTUD story... I'm out. Officially, tomorrow morning at about 7:30 when I bring in my stack of books to hand into him. And I now get out of school earlier, which isn't a bother to me at all :) it's great. I went into guidance, and my councelor was like, so hows it going? and I just looked at him and broke down into tears. I could see in his face that he was shocked, how many people get this emotional about their classes? I do, anyway. Because I know that this is what's going to shape the rest of my life. Where I go, what I do. Anyway. So I tell him that I'm in Level 4 Amstud, and that I need out. That I'm failing miserably and I'm completely drowning and I just need out. Few clicks on the computer, and he has my schedule up, ready to change it. No questions asked. During that process, he reassured me that it's okay, and that he gives me the upmost credit for trying it out in the first place, and discussed with me what my options are in terms of switching into new classes. He gave me the option on what I wanted, when I wanted it. So I picked to go into College Comp. Mod D, and have US History Mod F. (I chose carefully with my teachers, haha.) G and H off, kind of fabulous I think! It's going to work out really well having that extra bit of time to finish up more work and what not. And afterwards, he asked me about my having mod H off- which I told him I had a special case permission from Mr. Mailhot, (in where the tears start again, which always do when it comes to my brother) and he said it wasn't a problem and worked around it :) I gotta say Mr. Cannon is the greatest- told me not to take it personal, that i'm personally NOT a failure, and that I'm still going to go to college and have a great life. Quote, unquote. I left school feeling optomistic, finally happy again.

So then I get out of school, go down to the tailor's for my dress fitting :D The seamstress is quite amazing, she's this adorable little french woman with a thick accent quite like my grandmothers, so it was sort of comforting in that way, and she knew exactly what i wanted and i can tell already that it's going to come out perfecttt <3 Go into Goodwill, see Skye, get Ashleigh's app, it's allll goood.

It's kind of like... this huge burden has been lifted off of me. I'm not under Nick's wing anymore. He took me in when my own wings were broken. But I'm healed now, ready to break out and fly. And I did that. The other part being burdened down and so stressed out for just about two months on a class that I never foresaw myself being in in the first place. It's great you know. It really is.

I'm.. free.

Feel better, damnit. I have the best friends, on the face of the planet.

So since I'm feeling all happppy, I'm going to give a few shout outs.

IAN! you've been so supportive through everything, you've never judged me like everyone else has, you've been the best. no matter how much you deny that. thank you for everything :)
Ash<3 you know your my best friend, but let me just say that a few more times :) you know just what to say always to make me realize the light in the situation. i couldn't have done this without you.
Kevinnn (: you are, the funniest guy I have ever met, legit, and the fact that you give the BEST hugs EVER only adds to your amazingness. We haven't even been friends that long and already i can't live without you. :)
Taylor~ you've been so open with me and been one of the best people to turn to just to talk, because you don't judge me either. you hardly even know me, but you don't judge me. you're honest. and have sympathy. but you tell me things straight up, no sugar coating, and i need that. thanksss :)

Alrighty, I'm wiped out.

Since i'm out of amstud, i have zero homework for this evening. well i have a bit of french, but i can do that in the morning. isn't that fabulous :)

It's all coming together

I haven't felt this way in so long. It's so... amazing. It's overjoying. I can't describe how perfect this.

Nothing can bring me down. Not today.

I have to work until nine thirty AND write a two paged essay that i know nothing about for a class that i'm not going to be in much longer.

but nothing can bring me down today :D

I think I need to write one. last. note. to get my point across, and finish this up for good. This is an all time low, even for you. But it'll be done and finished with.

Alrighty, I'm going to figure out what the heck I'm doing for this essay that i know nothing about for a class that i'm not going to be in much longer XD

two hometown hearts, up against the world.

you. are. a.ma.zing.<3

Leaving now, forever looking back

So after getting two tests back today, one passing by three points, the other failing with a 43%, I have formally decided that American Studies is by no means where I am supposed to be. I have put forth every single ounce of effort I have into that class, and I keep failing. I'm throwing in the towel, I want out. I can't keep putting myself through this. I'm done. Goodbye. I will switch around whatever I need to switch around to get out. So here is how my schedule is *probably* going to be looking now...Math A, Myth B and college comp C second semester, then USH mod d, french e, Then I'll take chem F and G. that could work.

Yeah, I think that'll work out quite nicely for me. I'll keep mod b off the rest of this semester, then fill it next. I mean, obviously I can't have Silveira for USH, that's completely defeating the purpose.

I actually talked to my mom about this, and for once she is backing me up. She's on my side. She supports that I need to get out of this class and salvage myself for college and for my own sanity, of course. She's willing to sign whatever she needs to to get me out of this hell.

For a few minutes I thought of this as depressing, as quitting. But it's really not. I gave it everything I had and it just wasn't enough. So I see it as, valuing myself enough to know when to call it quits.

Other than the whole amstud fiasco, today was amazing. <3 Couldn't have asked for better.

My mom even said that she'd let me go to prom if it was with someone "decent that she could trust to come pick me up." Wowww. We've reached a huge milestone.

I'm starting to love my life again.

Failing Beautifully, I lost count of the days....

I finally know what I want. I really do. And that in itself is amazing, and then now I can put everything else behind me and just reach for the stars and hope for the best. <3

I'm really not in a talkative mood, why I'm not so sure to be honest, I think just finally realizing what the best thing for me would be and realizing that I can go for it shoved all the other stupid shit out of my head.

It's a great feeling.

inside i hope you know i'm dying...

... with my heart beside me, in shattered pieces that may never be replaced. and if i died right now, you'd never be the same...

So what a weekend it has been. Friday nights out are the best :) Had such a good time getting away from everything, kicking back, eating chocolate and watching a chick flick with one of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Saturday, work, eh, whatever right? But hey! My supervisior is AMAZZINGG, let me go home earrrly! I love rainy saturdays. And then today, not horrible either. had my fair share of laughs, because i love amelia and skyeeeee.

But what's going on right now though, is what's entirely different. We're finally talking, deciding what exactly went wrong. But do we want to fix it? I'm not sure. Is there anything worth saving? There used to be. But is there now? Like I said, I don't know. it's hard to grasp the fact that if it was me that's always been that special one then how could I have been dumped three times in a span of four months? You've done it again- you've crawled into the very depths of my soul and attached yourself so that I can't get along without you. And you want out of my life and you've kicked up a hell of a lot of dust on your fancy exit out. But I can't watch you leave.

On the other hand, i can't let you stay and prevent other opportunities from growing into something that could make me happy. you've made me happy for years. but you've done a lot of damage in that time too. i want him- he's made me happy so far. and i want it to grow into something that i'm happy with, but i'm not sure if it can or if it will. I really don't. And i don't know how long to wait for him. I waited for you- so shouldn't I wait for him? But I don't want to fall into another endless pit either.

It's hard to choose.

But I'm thinking that you've made the choice for me- someone else got into your head and fucked it up and screwed me over. Not you, me. Messed everything up for ME. You were fine. It was me that lost in the end. So now, I'm going to give him all the time he needs. I'm going to work at this and give him an honest and decent relationship. I'm going to give him my whole heart, one whole, not all these little pieces that you've chopped it into.

I just want to smile again.

When is it going to stop hurting?

Will it ever?

.. and I will always remember you as you are right now today

failing beautifully- day 3

The fact of the matter is, is not that I didn't know. Because I did. It's just the fact that the way it was said... really hurts. Just the reason that I couldn't be viewed as someone with potential simply because of who I'm friends with.. that's what hurt. And that's all I'm going to say because I refuse to keep dwelling on this because it's not really all that significant because LIKE YOU, I posted my EMOTIONS, which I let get the best of me. I am happy with the direction you chose. I am okay with it. (too freaking bad if i'm not, right? =P) I'm happy that you're finally starting to turn things around and be happy again. I just had a moment of... how do I say this, being thrown down on the floor and wanting to cry just because it hurt? Ehh, I can't explain this right at all. But it was momentary, and I'm sorry if I... was misleading in thinking that I'm more angry than I am.

Can I say that Time Travellers Wife is one of the best movies i've ever seen in my entire life? So good. Real tear jerker too damnit, looks like I'm going to have to research my movie choices before I go see them.

So now I am left with two options. (Simply OPTIONS) i could either go back to him and try to fix things, knowing that I have been happy there before and maybe could again. But also knowing that I've been hurt there too. Or I could stick with trying to start things off with someone new, and lose someone who's been a huge part of my life for years. But if I go back into old ways so to speak, I'll lose the opportunity to start something new. I can't lose either one of them. I can't choose to leave one. I need them both in my life in one way or another. It's just difficult.

What I have finally decided to do, though, is stick with trying something new. I've been hurt too many times to go back there. We still have things that need to be tied up, loose ends connected, so on and so forth, and when that is finished, so will this entire thing. And hope that he will still be behind me and support me as my friend. I know it'll take awhile to get there. But I'm optimistic that he'll miss my friendship like I miss his.

It's gonna be alright, no matter what they say. It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see.

Two hometown hearts, up against the world.

Still Failing, Beautifully. Day 2, Part 2.

Doesn't the title say enough?

No matter what, the world will always be pointing its finger in my face saying NO WAY AMY! THERE IS NO WAY WE CAN LET YOU BE HAPPY TODAY!

Nothing will work out. We need to talk. Clear everything up. Tie up all the loose ends.

Finish this.

"I don't want you to wait for me. I won't be coming back."
--time travellers wife

failing beautifully- day 2.

Words kill.

That has got to be one of the worst things that someone has said to me. You should have just said it to my face. As if I didn't already know anyway. Might as well just start putting names so that everyone else can know too. Oh wait! You made it obvious. so everyone DOES know. But whatever. Your one of the people who I opened up to and let everything out, even things that I rarely ever tell, I told. And you took it and ran with it. And I'm sure you very well know that I was going to react this way. I can't even DESCRIBE the words running through my head right now.. the way to form a sentence that describes what I feel at this very moment, its kinda like someone is pinching off veins in and out of my heart so that the blood can't get back to it so it's aching, and everything else is too. Because when you mess with the heart, you mess with everything else. You know, simple human anatomy and everything.

Today has been one of the worst days I have ever faced in my entire life. I watched my ex dump my best friend... because of me. This is all. my. fault. And, I don't want to hear that it's not, because it very much so is. I watched history repeat itself... saying the exact words that I heard, the exact same way..

It was like slicing that wound open again, when it hasn't even fully healed.

And then you poured gasoline into it and lit it on fire! Congrats.

But don't worry. It's all good.

I'm done here. I'm done talking.

Cue the tears now... oh wait, they're already here.

Two hometown hearts, up against the world.

failing beautifully. day 1.

Breathe In. Breathe Out. Put one foot in front of the other, take one day at a time. Till you find that someone you can't live without. And until then, oh I'll breathe in, and breathe out.

It's amazing how in such a short period of time someone can become so close to you and you already dream about what the future might hold, for you both, together. But what's a whole lot worse is feeling like it won't get off the ground. When you've felt this hurt for so long, that the pain just rips right through you, tears you into shreds, inside your dying, the empty gaps and spaces longing for something to fill them. And then you find someone who somehow, brings the shine back in the smile, the sparkles back in your eyes. That instant surge of happiness, those empty spaces filled contently. On top of the world, untouchable.

And someone else rips that out, right from under you. That person, that guy that makes you feel so good about yourself, likes you too. A lot. The words came from his own mouth. But someone has to be in the way. And prevent you from being happy. The reasons for it, unknown. Sort of.

Why won't you let me be happy?


Two hometown hearts, up against the world.

TAYLOR!

Taylor,

If you happen to read this, I got your message and I have a reply allll ready to go! Just facebook currently hates me! Stay tunedddd.

Amy

If you mess this up for me, I don't think I'll be able to find it in me to forgive you.

It's All Over

I'm going to keep this relatively short, due to the fact that I don't have a lot of time, and my emotions are completely ruling everything right now...

I see now that it's not me. This can be applied to two people, one of whom will read this and will know right away, the other whom will not and will have to be told about it by someone else. Both cases are the same. It's been me vs. someone else, and I lost. Straight up, I lost. I see it. I hear it. It's over.

Alrighty, the big kids have to get to work today.

Peace.

In Memoriam.

It's all coming out now.

Do you remember those days? The days where I thought I was never near good enough, because I wasn't? You made me feel like, to be cliche, a million bucks. I was untouchable. Completely devoted to you, and to what we had. Things had gone so well, for almost a year. Absolutely fantastic. I coud have never asked for anything better. Summer was hard, but I heard from you so often that it wasn't like anything changed. But then...

It stopped. Everything stopped. My world ended, my heart broke. Not a clean break, either, it was the kind where the shreds are everywhere. Fragments, shattered pieces, all over the place. It was so hard to look at myself in the mirror. I didn't like what I saw. Who I was. None of it made sense anymore. This pain I was feeling was so unbearable that I shut down completely.

Then that boyfriend of mine came by and fixed it. Sort of. He made me whole again, in some ways. I was appreciated, loved, and well taken care of. I was showered with affection and I was just at the peak of being happy.

And then that wall came crashing down. Over 8 months had passed since you destroyed every last piece of me. You come back into my life expecting everything to work itself out, that we could fix things and be friends. I wanted to, but it hurt still. Hurt. Common word. Such a big meaning that I never quite understood until then.

So eventually we did fix things. We made things better. I finished 8th grade, got dumped by that boyfriend of mine, and you were there to pick up my pieces and help me heal. You were always there for me. Things didn't work out with us. But you knew how I felt. Even if I couldn't always show it.

Freshman year had come and gone. I'll never forgive myself for some of the things I'd said to you that year. Most of it uncalled for, not right, and not me. My heart's defense is poor to say the least, and I wanted to keep you out. Forever. But no matter what I tried you could always squeam your way in and attach yourself to the very depths of my soul, so that I'd never be quite complete without you.

Sophomore year was irreplacable. I watched you love someone else while you loved me at the same time. There were days that I begged, that I pleaded you, to do what was right. But you didn't. I'd never fought so hard for anything in my entire life. Because just like 7th grade, I was once again attached to you, from the inside out. I needed you. Like water. Like breath, like rain. You were the only thing in my world that meant a damn to me. Everything else was optional. Through all my struggles, you were there to lend a hand. No matter what, I was supported in so many ways by you. After all this time, you were still everything that I could have ever pictured myself wanting. Even though I watched you bounce from me, to her, back to me, back to her. She'd break your heart and then take you back. You sliced me open by fitting me in between. But I didn't care. I had you. Finally. It didn't matter.

Then summer came. Best summer I've had in my entire life. I had some of the best days of my life that summer. I'll never forget any of it. Because of you my 16th birthday was the best one I ever had. That won't change.

But everything else did. Almost a month had gone by since then. And you wanted out. That's exactly what you did. You left again. You promised me so many times that you were never going to leave me hurting like I did all those years ago. You didn't want to fight for it, for me, for us. You wanted to leave.

You left me. Alone, cold, and hurting.

So now, after all we've been through, this is what it's come down to. I always knew there'd be a day that you'd move on and find someone else, and that's okay. But there's still a lot of unresolved hurt that needs fixing. I can do it on my own. It's just difficult. I'm glad that your happy. I am, I really am. And I can honestly say that I've found someone who makes me happy. It's still early, but he makes me smile. I haven't known him long. But it's leaving me with so many opportunites to grow and expand and be myself. You're happy with her, and you make her happy, and I could never, ever protest to that. And i'm not, by any means. It's still hard sometimes, but it's what's best.

It's all scripted, you know. Life. Amy: Introduce boy to girl. exit stage right. so that's what i'm doing. taking myself out. This was my scripted role in your life- to make you happy. And I failed at that. But i followed through and made you happy- by bringing you to someone who could.

I'm not going to say "its been a fun run" because it hasn't been. But there are a few points in this tunnel where the sunlight was let in. I soaked it up while I could. The sun is gone now, hiding behind the clouds.

And now I'll watch as it's her you kiss her in the rain.

So. Another day. Completely wasted and ruined. By you.

You know what? I'm at the point where I don't care what you think of this. Me and him aren't "serious" and I honestly can't tell you if it's going to come to that. Maybe. I don't know. But if you're upset if and when it does, you're as much of a hypocrite as the other person. He has a good heart. Which you wouldn't understand, because I'm not sure if you have one. I'm sure you told him that there was someone else in my life. Which is kind of true. But he didn't need to know that because it's not anything substantial at this point and never really has been so I didn't see the need to run out and tell him after the first few seconds. So I had to sound overly emotional and pour my heart out to this guy just to get him to think that I'm not using him. Sure he's strong, but I think that you hurt him just as much as you hurt me. You made him think I was just hanging out with him to piss you off? That's bull. You know me, you read eyes evidentally, so look in mine and read them. See that I actually do care about him. I know it hasn't been long. But I do. And if you are going to say that I can't because I haven't known him long enough, exactly how long have you known your current significant other? Yeah, that's what I thought. I don't care what you think, I will stand beside him as much as I want to. I will sit in his truck every morning if I want to. I'll walk to class with him and give him a hug if I want to. It's none of your business. You had your chance and then you dropped it to move in on someone else.

Can I just say that being ditched for a guy really hurts? And you want to know why she won't talk to you anymore at all, unless you break things off with him? I'm starting to understand her point of view. I'm beginning to understand why. I don't ENTIRELY agree with it, because I said I would stand by you. And I am. It's just becoming more increasingly difficult as the days progress.

I've never had a teacher mock me like that. Sure, it's a level 4, and I'm supposed to use proper english. But the directions were, don't lift your pencil off the paper. "But what if you write something stupid?" The response, "Then you write something stupid." So that is what I did. Just wrote down what flowed into my head at that particular moment, and for the assignment at hand I have to say it was pretty deep. Sure, "more dead" wasn't gramatically correct but I was more focused on the next thing I wanted to say. But to have a teacher read it aloud, fine. whatever. If she was a decent teacher, she would have read the words as meaningful, and read what I was saying about myself in that brainstorm piece. How the inside is dead, and that no one cares about that part. That it's unattractive and no one wants to care about it. But noooo. Don't see that I'm hurting and expressing it through my writing. Read this. Then you can mock my writing all you want. but then to walk around the room saying "My right side is more dead than my left" and walk around the room with a severe fake limp and cradling her arm is ridiculous. I wanted to cry. I've never been that humiliated in such a short amount of time.

Well, I'm officially cringing and writhing in pain. Two days on a cement floor can do that to you I suppose when you already have issues in the first place. Tylenol isn't really cutting it for me anymore =\ Maybe it's time to get a doctor in on this.

i hate things that may or may not be about you and that it all fits as if it could be you, and you don't want to make it sound like it is in case its not, but if it is you want to fix it.

its messed up.

i don't really feel like talking today. being near people frustrates me. all people. including myself.

i seriously need to get away.

well, this is my shortest blog to date.

i'm so outta here.

Edits.

After a lot of consideration.... Edits. Yeah, plural.

I can't say that I'm going to run out and try and find better, because I'm not by any means. But, I'm not going to say that i can sit around and wait for something that may or may not happen. and unfortunately for me, it has nothing to do with you. it has to do with someone else *cough* (don't think i need to say who) who twisted things around for almost five years and i just sat there patiently and missed out on so many great things. i'm not trying to compare you to him at all and i hope this doesn't seem like it, because thats not the intent at all. but because of that a lot of things in my life aren't explainable and a lot of the things i want to say, i can't. there were so many things that i told him about my life that no one else knows and i thought that that would bring things to a better place; and as it as of friday night now clear, that didn't at all happen.

i feel like you're the type of person who would want me to open up and explain how i'm feeling and talk about... said things of the past that have made my life into what it is. and thats not a bad thing, believe me it's really not. just, there's so much behind the scenes that you don't know. it's nothing against you, honestly its not, there are a lot of people, like, 99%, who don't. but he was like that. he made me say every single thing that was on my mind. that i was feeling. that made me happy, sad, depressed, excited, anxious, nervous, anything. i had no space in my mind to call my own. and because of that, i have such a hard time opening myself up to explain how things are. (i really hope this doesn't sound wrong, i'm just trying to explain without.. getting into too much detail.)

i know that the first day we started talking, not just like little things but seriously talking, i told you the story on how depressed i used to be. and what that caused and what that did and how it's taken so long to fix it. it's still not entirely fixed to be completely honest and i'm not really sure that it ever will be. i don't want to give you someone who's emotionally in knots because of the past because you don't need to deal with that. you don't deserve that. you deserve the best. i just don't know if that person is me.

Blah, I just want you to be HAPPY.

Not tied down from someone who's family has been so messed up for the past 9 years because my uncle died and my aunt sued my grandfather's company and took my entire family to the cleaners. Whoops, guess I just told you part of it now didn't I.

There are so many little things, besides the pain that i've been through with.. him. That's just a part of it.

I don't want to complicate your life.

I just want what's best for you.

And I want to be happy. After all these years of wondering when things were going to get better.

Response

Okayyy. Here we go. Since there really isn't anything to discuss, I'm just going to respond in third person as I always do :)

I can't speak for her. But I can speak for me in saying that it's completely okay, and that I understand. I'm not broken, I'm not hurting. You've done more for me than most have and I take that to heart. You'll always be in my life and you'll always be important to me one way or another and whatever direction that may take is okay with me. I've been lucky enough to be your friend for however long it is that you've been putting up with me now. Things take time for everyone, not just you. No matter what direction its going in- towards me, towards her, towards someone else that I may not know, or maybe towards no one at all. It all takes time. And it's okay. I said this the other day on the phone for the millionth time, and now it's millionth and one- you need to do whats best for you, and know that I will always support you no matter what happens. You're one of the people who can make me smile. And that's all I'm looking for. People who can make me smile. That's all I need, that's all I want. Everything else is simply extra.

So all in all, have to say it was a pretty decent day at Goodwill for Amy. Iced coffee buzzes are AMAZING, and having the entire store be silent for two hours makes time go by a lot faster too.

Alrighty, I've done enough blogging over the past few days that I'm set for today.

:)

Gah, 3rd Post in one night.

It's official.

And I found out via facebook.

For someone who is supposed to care about me so much, you didn't even tell me.

How important does that make me?

It's official...

But didn't I deserve to know?

Catching Up

So with everything that's been going on, between work, schoolwork, friends, drama, family, more work, more drama, etc etc, it's been so exhausting that I legitimately just crashed on the couch for a solid 45 minutes. It's 6:00 on a Friday night, and I just crashed. HOW! and on another note, wtf is wrong with me for crashing like that? i don't usually crash.

it's all beginning to catch up with me i guess.

i'm going back to sleep.

Ups and downs, here we go again. Same old story, never ends.

I'm really not sure what words can describe how I'm feeling right now. If there are any to describe it myself. I just don't think it's possible at this point. I don't even know. It's not quite misery, it's not quite depression. I think what I'm feeling is emotionless. Kind of numb, even.

The day started off so well! The snow. First snow. First light, new beginning.

Or not, whichever you prefer.

So I'm going to go through it all, point by point. Read it, or don't. I don't care.

First off, I'm so.. concerned. For her. I sat there today and watched her eyes. Everyone's eyes are expressive. Hers even more than most. I watched her look into his eyes when she thought no one else was paying attention. And that look that I saw in her eyes, I couldn't believe. She doesn't just like him. She fell for him. Hard. I don't particularly BLAME her, she can't help it. But just the look in her eyes, I don't know, it killed me. It really did. And I don't understand why. I've seen so many different things in people's eyes. I've watched someones eyes watch mine with love. I've watched someones eyes burn me with hate. I've watched someones eyes look expressionless, not caring at all. The last one hurt a lot, too, not going to kid you here. But that look, I just can't get the vision of it out of my head. At all. I'm trying. I am. But I can't get rid of it...

And then him! But WHY. Of course I have to run into you in the hallway when your pissed at me. Of course I do. Isn't that the way it always goes? Yes, Amy, yes it does. You think that I don't listen to you? That I don't know exactly what you think about this? I do. I remember every single thing you've told me, I haven't forgotten. And I do appreciate you looking out for me, but legit man, the fact that you got SO pissed off about it down right infuriates me. Down. Right. Infuriating. I'm not a slut, I'm not a whore, I don't go around looking for random guys to hook up with. It's not going to be like that with him either. Does he think I'm attractive? Probably. Don't all of your friends? Didn't you at one point? Yes, the answer to all of those is yes. But that doesn't mean that I'm gonna go run off and shack up with him. Seriously, you've known me for almost five years now. Cut me a little slack and give me some credit. You don't realize that even now, even still, after everything, your words hurt so much more. Even more now than they ever did.

Can I just say that I hate picture day? A lot? Because I really do. I don't like smiling for a camera when nothing made me smile in the first place, so that my frozen image, how horrible that image will be too, can remain forever in history, somewhere, somehow.

Anyway, back to the other main things. Just want you to know that I know exactly what's going on, who she is, what her story is. I understand. More than you'd expect me to, either.

Hold on, the phone just rang. Mom wants to know if I stopped at the store. No, I didn't because you didn't tell me to. Or rather ask me to. Anyway.

Well, now my least and most favorite song is on. It's my least favorite song because it brings up a lot of memories. And stirs up feelings that I don't like. But it's my most because it brings up a lot of memories. And stirs up feelings that I don't like. I know that makes no sense, and I don't expect you to understand.

Back to before my ADD moments, I know what's going on. And it's okay. Things take time. Whichever direction those things may be going, whether it be towards me, or her, or some other direction completely.

I just don't want to be broken again.

Alrighty, lots of quotes from the day. So let's do it up.
" :) x346. " Yeah, I counted them all. Don't judge me.
" Play that fucking track. PLAY THAT FUCKING TRACK!"
" Amy... I think that photographer is KINNDAAA attractive. "
" You wanna go, bitch? Bitch?! Bring it on, bitch, bring it on. "
" OMG Brownies for Tuesday! "

" So I like yellow. Shoot me. "

" Don't get T-Boned. Don't slam on your brakes. Use signals. Have a good day."

" Why don't you ever fucking listen to me? "
" If anything happens with either of them I'll never talk to you again. Never acknowledge your existance."
" Everything I tried to do was to protect you and do you listen no "

" You tried to lie and say I was everything. I remember when I said I'm nothing without you."