Edits.

After a lot of consideration.... Edits. Yeah, plural.

I can't say that I'm going to run out and try and find better, because I'm not by any means. But, I'm not going to say that i can sit around and wait for something that may or may not happen. and unfortunately for me, it has nothing to do with you. it has to do with someone else *cough* (don't think i need to say who) who twisted things around for almost five years and i just sat there patiently and missed out on so many great things. i'm not trying to compare you to him at all and i hope this doesn't seem like it, because thats not the intent at all. but because of that a lot of things in my life aren't explainable and a lot of the things i want to say, i can't. there were so many things that i told him about my life that no one else knows and i thought that that would bring things to a better place; and as it as of friday night now clear, that didn't at all happen.

i feel like you're the type of person who would want me to open up and explain how i'm feeling and talk about... said things of the past that have made my life into what it is. and thats not a bad thing, believe me it's really not. just, there's so much behind the scenes that you don't know. it's nothing against you, honestly its not, there are a lot of people, like, 99%, who don't. but he was like that. he made me say every single thing that was on my mind. that i was feeling. that made me happy, sad, depressed, excited, anxious, nervous, anything. i had no space in my mind to call my own. and because of that, i have such a hard time opening myself up to explain how things are. (i really hope this doesn't sound wrong, i'm just trying to explain without.. getting into too much detail.)

i know that the first day we started talking, not just like little things but seriously talking, i told you the story on how depressed i used to be. and what that caused and what that did and how it's taken so long to fix it. it's still not entirely fixed to be completely honest and i'm not really sure that it ever will be. i don't want to give you someone who's emotionally in knots because of the past because you don't need to deal with that. you don't deserve that. you deserve the best. i just don't know if that person is me.

Blah, I just want you to be HAPPY.

Not tied down from someone who's family has been so messed up for the past 9 years because my uncle died and my aunt sued my grandfather's company and took my entire family to the cleaners. Whoops, guess I just told you part of it now didn't I.

There are so many little things, besides the pain that i've been through with.. him. That's just a part of it.

I don't want to complicate your life.

I just want what's best for you.

And I want to be happy. After all these years of wondering when things were going to get better.