I'm going to try not to be offensive because that's not really the message I want to portray. But I'll say whatever I need to say to make my point...
The two of you are FINALLY talking on DECENT terms again, which I have to say in and of itself is downright amazing, and makes me super happy. What it is that you've come to join over doesn't really thrill me all that much. Yeah, I'm talking about myself here. Everyone is telling me to completely stop talking to him and not go near him and all this such bullshit when you don't even know half the story. He genuinely has feelings for me. I know he does. He's even said it himself. The gf is just a bump in the road. I don't care who you are, ending relationships are hard, even if it's to go be with someone else. It's still hard. But what's really going on is we're going to talk about it. just me and him. no one else around. we need to seriously talk and i need to find out if i'm worth anything to him and if i'm worth leaving his gf over. and if i am, then i'm going to be happy with that and wait for that time to come. and if i'm not, i'm going to accept that and walk away.
now everyone wants me to pick the latter of the two, and just walk away regardless. but these past couple weeks or however long its been that i've been talking to him i've felt so much better about myself as an individual so i'm sorry if i'm not quite willing to give that up just yet. there's been empty holes and spaces for so long that are finally filled and i don't want that to go away. i've felt empty ever since nick dumped me and scott makes me feel whole again. repaired, fixed, completed, whatever. and i've officially lost nick for good, whether as a friend or otherwise, and part of that was my decision on my own, because of the fact that he was interfering in this... courtship between me and scott and neither of us were really happy about it. so me and scott decided it would be best for me not to talk to him. actually just kidding. i decided that. scott was behind whatever i chose either way and in the end i decided that nick's not interfering in my life anymore. he's done breaking me into pieces.
scott was the one guy who actually helped put me back together, make me feel better about who i am. i have great friends, who i love all til the end, and they do make me feel better. you guys do, honestly, you do. i can never thank you guys enough for the things you have done for me in the past. but at this particular moment, i need to fix things with scott. talk to him and work it out.
and what i need more than anything is unbiased support. i need you guys there for me so that i know that if i fall someone will be there. i know you guys don't like scott. i understand that. it happens. but i do. he makes me happy. and i hope that you guys can be okay with the fact that even though you don't like him you like the fact that he's been there for me more than any other guy (in a relationship kind of way) has ever been in my past and that's what i really need right now, is that strong shoulder to be leaning against.
my friends have been my rock always, and they will always continue to be that way no matter what. i just hope that they can see beyond him, beyond who is friends are, and whatever else they don't like about him. and see the part of him that cares about me. the part of him that wants to be with me. the part of him that makes me happy with who i am standing here right now.
But enough has come to enough, and i'm ready to straighten all of this out, with everybody. so the final word in this situation is, if he says that i have that chance, to be with him, to be his, then i am going to take it. and if he says that i'm not, i'm going to walk away. and if that does happen, i'm going to need you guys behind me. and if i do get that chance, i'm going to need you guys behind me as well.
i'm overjoyed by the fact that i'm being watched over by people who really care. i just need those people to be there for me like they are right now. i need them to be there for me always. regardless of who he is.
Scott makes me happy, and my friends make me happy. I'm not going to compromise one for the other. I'm not going to ditch scott for my friends. and i'm not going to ditch my friends for scott. I need an equal balance, equilibrium and all that jazz.
I need Scott. Just like I need Ashleigh, and Ian, and Kevin, and Taylor, and everyone else who may or may not be reading this.
I love you guys, thanks for everything that you've been doing. I need you guys to know that I do appreciate it all, so much, but I also need you guys to know that I need to know for sure that you'll be behind me if I get that chance to be happy with Scott.
Thats what I'm afraid of, that's why I'm upset. Because I'm afraid that I'm going to be alone in the end.
And I can't have that... :(
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