In Memoriam.

It's all coming out now.

Do you remember those days? The days where I thought I was never near good enough, because I wasn't? You made me feel like, to be cliche, a million bucks. I was untouchable. Completely devoted to you, and to what we had. Things had gone so well, for almost a year. Absolutely fantastic. I coud have never asked for anything better. Summer was hard, but I heard from you so often that it wasn't like anything changed. But then...

It stopped. Everything stopped. My world ended, my heart broke. Not a clean break, either, it was the kind where the shreds are everywhere. Fragments, shattered pieces, all over the place. It was so hard to look at myself in the mirror. I didn't like what I saw. Who I was. None of it made sense anymore. This pain I was feeling was so unbearable that I shut down completely.

Then that boyfriend of mine came by and fixed it. Sort of. He made me whole again, in some ways. I was appreciated, loved, and well taken care of. I was showered with affection and I was just at the peak of being happy.

And then that wall came crashing down. Over 8 months had passed since you destroyed every last piece of me. You come back into my life expecting everything to work itself out, that we could fix things and be friends. I wanted to, but it hurt still. Hurt. Common word. Such a big meaning that I never quite understood until then.

So eventually we did fix things. We made things better. I finished 8th grade, got dumped by that boyfriend of mine, and you were there to pick up my pieces and help me heal. You were always there for me. Things didn't work out with us. But you knew how I felt. Even if I couldn't always show it.

Freshman year had come and gone. I'll never forgive myself for some of the things I'd said to you that year. Most of it uncalled for, not right, and not me. My heart's defense is poor to say the least, and I wanted to keep you out. Forever. But no matter what I tried you could always squeam your way in and attach yourself to the very depths of my soul, so that I'd never be quite complete without you.

Sophomore year was irreplacable. I watched you love someone else while you loved me at the same time. There were days that I begged, that I pleaded you, to do what was right. But you didn't. I'd never fought so hard for anything in my entire life. Because just like 7th grade, I was once again attached to you, from the inside out. I needed you. Like water. Like breath, like rain. You were the only thing in my world that meant a damn to me. Everything else was optional. Through all my struggles, you were there to lend a hand. No matter what, I was supported in so many ways by you. After all this time, you were still everything that I could have ever pictured myself wanting. Even though I watched you bounce from me, to her, back to me, back to her. She'd break your heart and then take you back. You sliced me open by fitting me in between. But I didn't care. I had you. Finally. It didn't matter.

Then summer came. Best summer I've had in my entire life. I had some of the best days of my life that summer. I'll never forget any of it. Because of you my 16th birthday was the best one I ever had. That won't change.

But everything else did. Almost a month had gone by since then. And you wanted out. That's exactly what you did. You left again. You promised me so many times that you were never going to leave me hurting like I did all those years ago. You didn't want to fight for it, for me, for us. You wanted to leave.

You left me. Alone, cold, and hurting.

So now, after all we've been through, this is what it's come down to. I always knew there'd be a day that you'd move on and find someone else, and that's okay. But there's still a lot of unresolved hurt that needs fixing. I can do it on my own. It's just difficult. I'm glad that your happy. I am, I really am. And I can honestly say that I've found someone who makes me happy. It's still early, but he makes me smile. I haven't known him long. But it's leaving me with so many opportunites to grow and expand and be myself. You're happy with her, and you make her happy, and I could never, ever protest to that. And i'm not, by any means. It's still hard sometimes, but it's what's best.

It's all scripted, you know. Life. Amy: Introduce boy to girl. exit stage right. so that's what i'm doing. taking myself out. This was my scripted role in your life- to make you happy. And I failed at that. But i followed through and made you happy- by bringing you to someone who could.

I'm not going to say "its been a fun run" because it hasn't been. But there are a few points in this tunnel where the sunlight was let in. I soaked it up while I could. The sun is gone now, hiding behind the clouds.

And now I'll watch as it's her you kiss her in the rain.