idk, im kind of having one of those moments again, so if you dont really feel like listening to something depressing i suggest you just leave now.
like everyone does.
i'm having that feeling that like, i'm not fully wanted. i'm wanted, but to what extent? people who say that they want me, that they'd take me, they'd date me... but they all had chances. they all let them go. slip through their fingers. and i'm trying to be hopeful by saying..
"every long lost dream, lead me to where you are. others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars. pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. this much i know, is true. that god blessed the broken road, that led me straight to you "
Yeah. Right. that's a lie. every time i think its gonna work out it never does. there is always someone else standing in the way. last year with travis it was erica. last year with nick it was alex. this year, i'm not going to list names because i think it would be hurtful, but primarily, with scott it's the gf. i'm not good enough. i'm not erica, or alex, or *said other girls* or scott's gf (it would be so much easier if i knew her name...) i'm not good enough. i'm not any of them. and i won't be at all. ever.
all i can be is me. i am who i am and that's the only person i can be. i've never been happy with who i am, everyone knows that. i just want to be the ONE AND ONLY for someone.. the one person that makes your world complete and better. i want to be the one person that you think of when you wake up in the morning. i want to be the one you point at and say thats her. i'm so cliche but i want my fairy tale. i'm tired of getting it stuck to me over and over. i'm so sick of getting screwed.
now sure, things are okay with scott. but theres still someone else in the picture. it's ridiculous. i'm not that special someone. i haven't been that special someone to anyone and i won't be that special someone to anyone in the near future simply because everyone has someone. like her. she's so lucky. she has scott- and scott is everything i want in a guy and then some.
i dnt understand why every single force of nature is pushing me away. throwing me off my course. i don't understand it i really don't. i've been a good person. i help others and i'm supportive and i've never backed down from a situation that i didn't like. i've been a good person... havent i?
so if that's true, why can't i be happy? i look happy... i look supportive and my mouth will form a smile- but read. my. eyes. they're not smiling. they're hurting. a lot.
Truth is guys, I look so happy. I do. But I'm not. And I know why. Everyone knows why. And at this particular moment, there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
It's been my dream since I met him for a guy like Scott to fall for me. It honestly has. Since I met him I always had this weird twisted idea that me and someone like him would be together. Simply because he's so different from the type of guy that I usually date. But at the same time, he's not. He's a black tshirt, as Dylan would call him.
I'm done hurting.
Wait... not really, just done writing.
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