there goes my future, my everything, i might as well, kiss it all goodbye.
There goes my life.
I really hate how my mood goes up and down and up and down like a goddamned rollercoaster. It's insane and I can't stand it.
Anyways, as I was re reading past entries, I realized its time I edit my most popular one, so lets call this take two.
Everything in the beginning of that post is true. how we met, how amazing it was, and all that other such bullshit. Up until the beginning of this year you made my life what it had been up until that point, but now, as this new title reflects, there goes my life. there goes my future, my everything, i might as well, kiss it all goodbye.
There goes my life.
From the very moment I found out that you liked Ashleigh is when I really started to hate you. For her I was there. Even though you made her happy I still hated you. You went after her after you promised me you wouldnt. You've never lied to me, never broken a promise to me. After 4 1/2 years or so I'd trusted you with every fiber of my being and you broke it. All of it. You broke my heart and my trust. But I'd been used to being heartbroken by you. I knew how to deal with it, how to fix it. That's one experience I wish I'd never gotten used to- but you did it so much that I did. And that I can get through. Hell, I have gotten through it, without much help FROM you, might I add. But anyhowww. I can never forgive you for betraying me that way.
Now that I am on the right track again, making things work for myself, you call me a whore. That right there, is exactly what did it. You. called. me. a. whore. I'm sort of curious now what you would say to me if I gave you the chance. But I refuse to give you the time of day anymore. You don't deserve that. But still, you called me a whore. I'd never been so angry with you as I was right then. I can never forgive you for that. This year is when you really screwed things up for yourself. Seriously. You were one of the best parts of my life for so long and now that your not in it anymore my life has become so much less complicated and so much easier to deal with. So much of what I've had to deal with can be traced back to you and the shit that you've put me through. But it's done. I'm not talking about it anymore. I"m not letting you run my life.
You think that you can control everything, every part of what I do. Like, thinking that you can control when I talk to Scott by standing at his truck in the morning? Please. I'll go anyway, regardless of what you think. But your done ruining my life. So many times I've said, it's going to be a good day. And then when it's not, I back track on everything that made it go wrong. And all those signs lead to you. Every single time. You're even the reason why Scott sometimes shys away from me- because he thinks that I'm not fully over you. Which isn't true, but Scott doesn't know me well enough yet to see it. I don't think anyone really believes it to be quite honest. But everyone doesn't see inside my head, hopefully this will be enough proof to everyone of how much I hate you right now.
I know hate is a strong word. And I know I've also said that I have a hard time hating anyone. But hating YOU, has become so much easier lately that it's better off that I do. Because the more I hate you the less I can care about whatever it is you do with your pathetic excuse for a life. I never really quite expected myself to feel this away against you. it's kind of a shock to feel this way, really. But, it is what it is. And that's okay with me. It's okay with me that I hate you, even though it's against everything that I've ever said and ever believed in.
Because times change, and, people change.
You most definitely are not the person I met in 7th grade. You're not the Romeo that swept me back off my feet when you galloped back into my life in 8th. You're not the solid rock to support me that you were in 9th. You're not the one that I loved in 10th. You're not any of it. You are so much of a different person now, and the fact that you changed SO FAST makes me sick to even think about, let alone try to comprehend. I don't know half the things that make you who you are, even though I thought I used to.
I'd said for so long that part of me would always love you. But even that part of me is gone now. it's judgement day- and i can see so clearly now that you're not in my life. Period. you're a stranger, just a face in the crowd. I don't know you anymore at all.
The real you wouldn't act this way towards me. So my one question is, who are you trying to be?
And more importantly, why?
No comments:
Post a Comment