Okay, I seriously feel like I've fallen out of a tree then gotten run over by a bus. It's ridiculous. I like can't function. But my parents and brother just left for an hour or so, so I am taking advantage of the quiet time to get everything out because otherwise I don't think I'll have the chance over the next few days.
So. Last night. One of the best nights, ever. Period. I punched the mack truck as Kevin would say and went anyways. And I had a really good time. Oh and Taylor, still can't believe you wasted thirty one minutes of my life. Hahah, just kiddinggg :) idk how to explain it besides saying that hanging out and kicking back with real people. Real people who have real emotions, and stand true to their words. It just makes me feel so better knowing that there are people out there who are real and that the others that have influenced me for so long aren't real people. They are broken fragments of soul inside the shape of a human body. That's exactly what they (he) are (is.) It's taken me so long to realize that. But I have.
I just want to take a few seconds before I start ranting to thank Ian. Because there are a very, very short number of people who would answer the phone well past one in the morning, but he did. And he helped me through it. I can't explain enough what having that meant to me. That someone cared enough to talk to me about what had just happened. So Ian, thank you, you really are one of the best friends that I have. And Taylor, you as well, for giving me that boost of confidence that I probably otherwise wouldn't have gotten. No one else was as straightforward with me as you were, and I really appreciate that. Kevin, do I really need to explain what I'm saying thank you for? You were there for me. Period. even though its your fault i'm sick! haha :)
Oh, and Ashleigh, for having a KICKASS party and inviting me :D!
But back to what I was saying before. At said kickass party this morning, I heard some things that... shocked me. I'm not angry, I'm not, let me make that clear. I'm just shocked at some true opinions and a few things that were said I wasn't really sure how to take. It was legitimately, like a slap across the face, a wake up call. But I just want to point out that I do understand a lot of it, and that I do know what I am doing to myself. I know the damage that Nick has put me under. I know how I am trying to fix it. Maybe you don't agree with that, but I'm going off of prior experience. When he tore my heart to shreds the first time, the only thing that fixed it was finding someone to make it whole again. And that's what I'm doing- trying to find that someone who can make me feel better about myself as a person. Because we all know I have issues with myself, like self confidence and image and the like, which all date back to seventh grade.
Finally though, I admitted something that's been on my chest for quite some time now, to the people who can help me about it. Now I just have to decide what to do about it. I have all these opinions in my hand, all of them the same, so I just have to figure out exactly what to do now.
Okay, I'm going back to sleep.
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