I really had no idea what I was going to blog about today, because I feel so bogged down with emotion (is bogged a word? not sure..) that I couldn't even put words to it or make it into anything worth reading.
But none of my blogs are really worth reading anyways.
So I figured I'd go see what's going on in everyone elses lives, and read on Ian's of his participation of to write love on her arms :) which is great by the way, everyone should be participating, according to facebook its next friday the 13th so everyone should! I've participated the past few they've had, and it really hits home to me. Simply because I've been there. I've been depressed. I've needed the love and support of others to make it through. I know exactly how it feels. So I will proudly write love on my arm as big as i possibly can while it still looking good. Because people where there for me when I needed them most. And I'll show everyone that I'm there for them too.
Continuing on with this whole love thing, I guess I'll jump right into what's on my mind. And what would that be? That would be that this situation is the exact same situation I was in last year. And I lost so much last year. I lost so much of who I was and my self esteem and everything of that sort. Now it's happening all over again. Why do I ALWAYS FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS?! Because I'm not smart, and have absolutely no common sense. But it is as my sister has always said, it doesn't matter who it is, as long as you are happy, because you can't help who you have feelings for.
Which is true you know. I can't help having feelings for Scott. I just do. It is what it is. But am I happy, eh, that's debatable. I'm not so sure that I am. Because this situation is so similiar to that past one that it's hard to be in it all over again. Since I give the benefit of the doubt so much, I'm giving him the option that this could turn out differently. I'm praying to God every moment of every day that this WILL be different, that this WILL work out in my favor, because I deserve to be happy... I think?
Thinking on it though, do I really deserve to be happy? What have I done to deserve it? I made life miserable for so many people for so many years and those people who are still standing beside me, God bless you, seriously, because you have more strength than anyone for putting up with me. I start too much shit with people, and I'm really not worth the time for anyone. I honestly wonder why I have friends sometimes.
Don't ask why I'm in such a horrible mood, because I don't really know. I don't know what brought this on. It was just completely random. I got this instant surge of pain today when I realized that this situation that I'm in with Scott is the exact situation that I was in with Nick for the majority of last year. And the scars from the Nick situation only being minor marks on the surface now, having had some time to stitch back up, makes them gash back open again. Brings back all the memories of what little light in the tunnel there was and makes me wonder where things went wrong. But obviously it was of my own fault, because he switched away from me in a matter of seconds when he found someone better. Which I can't blame him for, she's absolutely amazing and better than I could ever dream of being. And that's one of the reasons why she's one of my best friends- she brings out the best in me. Even if that's the past now too, it doesn't matter, it's the same feeling right here, right now, today. Now I don't know the other girl in this situation. I don't want to either. But I know that now I'm left with this situation in my face again waiting for him to decide if I'm worth leaving her over.
But I'm not, and I know it. I mean, until I hear the words directly, I can't abandon all hope, because without SOME hope I wouldn't be able to function much if at all. I need SOME hope. But I'm starting to lose all of it. All the hope. the faith. the dreams. everything. I don't know how to do it anymore. How to keep walking with my head held high when I know you're only feet away, sitting in your truck, watching me walk right past you, and not doing a damn thing about it until you see me meet up with another guy and watch him pick me up in a huge hug. Because that's what my friends are there for. But you don't see it that way. Do you understand that that's how I feel knowing in the back of my mind that what I've worked so hard for is being cancelled out at every second because of someone else?
This is eating away at me, and I can't do it anymore. I've tried to talk to you- but something else always gets in the way.
It's not in the cards for me I guess. I'm not supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to help everyone else find their place in the world, so that's what I'm going to do.
In the mean time, it's 1 month and 21 days until I win the bet.
No comments:
Post a Comment