We Can Talk Later.

I can't even find a solid place to begin to talk about what's going through my mind right now. How badly I feel, how much I just want to go out there, grab you right by the neck and choke you until you feel some sort of pain in remorse for all the hell you've been putting me through.

So I was at work, having a really good day actually, since it was Halloween and everything, all dressed up in a completely adorable costume if I do say so myself. I get on my lunch break, text him, and he says that on my next break he'll stop by if he's not out hunting. So next break comes, and so I ask if he's coming.

His response? No, I'm at home. With my girlfriend.

Then he decides that it's okay to be angry with me when I tell him not to wonder why I'm upset. If anyone gets to be upset here it's me. I'm the one who just got toyed with, I'm the one that just got screwed. Do you even understand how it feels to be the one that was cheated WITH? It makes me wonder. Is it me that you want to be with? Because if I was, wouldn't you leave her and be with me? Or am I just some sort of "i'll get back at her because she cheated on me?"

Either way, that leaves me broken and hurting and alone in the end. Either way I get screwed. Just like I did. It feels like someone cut the veins that lead to my heart and so now blood can't pump through the rest of my body. I've said this before I'll say it again- when you mess with the heart you mess with everything else. Simple human anatomy, you know.

I just want to sit down and talk to him. Just me and him. No cell phones, none of his friends all up in my face, and none of mine all up in his. I know you guys are going to call me insane for wanting to try to fix things with him but it's hard knowing what I want and finding out that some outside force that I can't control is standing in my way.

It hurts too much to know that he has someone else. I always thought that I was finally special and important to somebody. But I guess that's just not true either. I just want to be far away from everyone and everything.

HEY! I JUST REALIZED! We have Tuesday off. Ahh this makes me feel so much better :)

Anyway, back to what I was saying before.. I can't do this anymore. I can't be here. I can't work, because I can't be around people. I can't go to school- too many faces are going to tell me either a) that it'll all be okay or b) he's not worth it and to move on. Both are not true so I'm not going to listen to that. I can't live here anymore. I want to move out far somewhere and start over, new life.

Tear off my rearview mirror and never look back. Leave this house, this town, this life. I want out.

Now obviously that's not going to happen so I'm just going to have to embrace this and know that I'm weak and... try to figure something out.

When is it going to stop hurting?

...will it ever?