it ticks just like a timex... that never lets up on you.

I never saw myself as a weak individual. I'd been through a lot- not more than most, but still a lot- deaths of people close to me, and things like watching your close friends walk away from you, or not being able to dance because of an injury or two. I'd been able to get through all of that. And still managed to come out on top. It wasn't until these past few months that I have realized, I am a quitter. I. am. weak. I am one weak willed, bail me out of jail individual. This is going to be a pretty deep post, so stop reading now if you're gonna give me crap about it.

So in this class they have called American Studies, there was a girl fighting her ass off to scrape by. Struggling to pass with a hardly satisfactory grade. This went on and on. She tried everything- different study habits, note taking, everything. And still, she resulted in fourty percents and misery. Stressed out to the max, she's breaking down in a heap with all those textbooks open sprawled out around her. Not knowing what tomorrow would bring, she'd put every ounce she could muster into it, only to get shot down each and every time she tried to participate, or even attempt to answer a question up to par. She did this day in and day out for September. And October. And part of November. And by that point, the 60's in English and the 40's in history had piled high enough, and dealing with two teachers who had college expectations in a high school classroom, she did what needed to be done- and walked away. After being told

You never striked me as the type to throw in the white flag. You've always seemed stubborn enough to go for what you want.

Well, she threw in that white flag. She became a quitter.

One year previous, she had been given the biggest honor she'd ever dreamed of- Dance Team Captain. Narrowly, but she had made it. She could take her visions, her hopes, her dreams, and shape this team she loved with all her heart into something amazing, in the effort that everyone a part of it would feel what she felt- that this team would be substantial, dynamite, a force to be reckoned with. Unstoppable. Unsinkable. But the TItanic still went down anyway, Leonardo DiCaprio still froze miserably, Kate Winslet left heartbroken, and the beautiful gem she once loved with all her heart only now a memory in the bottom of the deepest depths of the Atlantic. It crumbled under her reign, for she was never a proper leader. She never did anything right, and more times than one were spent in an office with a coordinator with no compassion for her as those tears fell. Just to throw that extra log on the fire, she was given a cocaptain, kicked off of the position that she'd worked hard for almost two years to uphold. The new girl, had done nothing to deserve this, she put in no effort, she didn't strain herself time and time again, she didn't dance on a completely busted wrist or a bad knee. She hadn't been exiled the entire year previous to push and shove her way into the position she deserved to have, no matter how anyone looked at it. SO after six months, enough was enough, and she walked away from her dreams, once and for all. She became a quitter.

A bit into the personal level now, she gave years of her life loving someone who she always knew was worth the time she was giving him. She wanted him in her life more than anything. Never having felt this way, she layed it all out on the line for him. And much to her surprise, he returned it. After over three and a half years of dancing in a circle, looking back and always regretting, she was finally happy. Everything else was insignificant if it didn't involve him, and it was most important to her at that time to have his support, to have him there to hold her, kiss her gently, and say, no matter what happens, I will be here, loving you. And when her fairy tale romance ended, the castle that represented her life came crashing down with it. After many rivers cried, bridges rebuilt, he went back to her, and he rebuilt her kingdom. But no princess shall live in a castle for too long, and the prince found himself a new courtship to attain to. And she did not fight for it. He walked away and she let him. She fought the odds for him for years, and she couldn't fight for him anymore. Because it was at this point that she knew, she would never be his ever again. She let him go. She is a quitter.

After that inital ache was past, she found someone who completed the pieces of her heart, made her feel whole again. Worthwhile, even. He made her life worth living, never realizinge exactly what he had done that saved her life. But he had someone else who cared about him in the same way she did, and she stepped aside and let him make his decision. Which, somehow, did not include her. Thankful to at least have someone this special in her life, she let him go too. She never fought hard enough for him. She had failed him. She became a quitter.

So then she turned to someone entirely new, and give him almost everything she was. She was open and expressive with him, and he returned. SHe let him in, and got herself attached. He betrayed her. He chose his girlfriend over her, and he betrayed her. And she didn't fight back against that. How could she? She became a quitter. she got I TOLD YOU SO spat in her face by her close friend, and stabbed in the heart by them both. She couldn't even decipher which one hurt more.

Meanwhile, this girl had started out somewhere new. She never did anything to her knowledge to anger anyone, and always did what was asked of her. And for the most part, it seemed she was accepted there. But it turns out, she's not sure if she was. She'd tried so hard to be, and gave up trying. Because quite frankly there was nothing she could do about it. She became a quitter.

And then this girl got a job at aplace that touched her heart and truly hit home. Here, she does great things for great people every day. She helps to support the people who can't always support themselves. She loves what she does, and hopes to continue forth being a part of that community. If only they knew how important work was to her, if only they could see how being there erases everything else thats going on with her life, how it truly saves her, every single day.

But most importantly, she has tried to show you what he did to her. What damage he caused her. Because you don't fully see it. You don't feel it. You understand it, you have listened, but she has tried to warn you on who he is and exactly what he is capable of doing. But, she can't tell you anymore. She will stand by you, always, and she will never leave you. But she has warned you. She's done trying to explain- she gave up trying- she became a quitter.

She's waiting now for her life to turn around, to become worth living again.

&& She's waited patiently.

You better go and get your armor....