I feel good about this.

I wrote this for creative writing today... but at the same time a lot of my personal emotion went into it and I feel really good about it. So, even though I never do this, I'm going to share my writing that I didn't write specifically for this blog (: It's not true to my life, you'll see what I mean when you read, but some will be able to tell where my inspiration came from...

Just to clear up confusion, the writing prompt had to have this sentence in there: "I couldn't help but notice the UPS package on the porch."

Start -->

I hoped this day would never come. It's inevitable, though, and I hate to face the fact that today he's leaving me. I stared at the neon 6:58 blinking in my face. In two minutes the alarm would start to buxx and he'd be awake. I choose to take these last two minutes to watch Jon sleep peacefully. 120 breaths later, the clock goes off and he stirs to a grumpy awakening. Rolling onto his side, Jon looks me straight in the eyes.
"Good morning, babe," he whispers. "How long have you been up?"
"Not long," I lie. "only a few minutes."
"Well, that's good," he responds, flashing me my favorite smile. I try to break one in return. I've gotten really good at faking. Jon shifts to look at the clock; it now reads 7:07.
"Make a wish," he says, as he pulls me in at the waist and kisses me. The butterflies in my tummy flutter just as they did when I first met him. After all this time, nothing's changed. It still feels the same.
The strength of his arms breaks too quickly, and he jumps out of bed to get ready for the day. He stretches his arms into his camoflauge prints, and laces up his boots. I throw on my favorite jeans, the first t shirt I rummage across, and a pair of faded flip flops.
"You ready?" Jon yells up the stairs. "We're meeting my mom soon."
I shuffle downstairs and we drive off to meet Jon's family. They all hug us both and we walk into the airport. A hundred other army girlfriends are all doing the same as I am- cherishing the last moments. Jon hugs his family and saves me for last.
"I'll miss you," he says as he pulls me close to him. "I'll call when I can. Don't wait around, though. Keep on living. I'll be back before you even know it."
I look him deep in the eyes as the boarding call for United Airlines, number 652 to Baghdad is made.
"I'll wait for you," I say as I steal one last kiss before I send my soldier off to war. I'm proud of myself for not crying.
Just over eight hours later I receive a text from a number I don't recognize. "I'm in Germany, thinking of you. I can't get texts yet so don't try to answer. Check the front porch. I miss you."
I snap the phone shut and fly to the front of our tiny house. I couldn't help but notice the UPS package on the porch. I bring it inside and tear it open. Inside was a blanket, all kinds of junk-comfort food, movies, and my favorite picture of me and Jon in a delicate silver frame. Attached to it is a note that reads, "Just a little something to help you through your first night."
So much for not crying.

the past two days have been the best days of my summer. xo (:


11months2days!

Guess what Ian? I agree with you!

(but hey, what else is new?)

Stupid Amy, that rhymes...... lmao.


Anyways. I just got home from a weekend away and saw Ian's blog of how this is his first free August in years. This is also mine, as well. (:

I can't describe how great it feels for the first time in the memorable past that I'm not caught up in someone. I can focus on me, and that feels awesome. I don't have to answer to anyone, no one wants to know where I am, what I'm doing and who I'm with. No one's going to tell me that they'd rather I wore blue because I look better in it, that I should relieve some stress or get more sleep. No one's going to try to 'protect me' from themselves.

No one's going to screw with my life, plain and simple.

I do what I want, whenever I want to. Whatever that may be, and wherever it may lead me.

Again with the damn rhyming!

I love my life. And I love everyone in it (:

I'm going to plan my sister's wedding which is in just over a year, I'm going to start picking out colleges, I'm going to focus on this year being my best academically, I'm going to do everything I want to do and more.

Sidenote, I owe $800 on my car. That's it. No more four digit numbers. Oh, what a feeling (:

I'm outta here.

Peace (:

I said what I meant.
And I meant what I said.

You've crossed the line, controlled too hard and too long. I'm finished with your games, the bs, all of it.

I. Hate. You.

This weekend was exactly what I needed.

Exactly as the title describes. This weekend was so perfect. I spent it with my family which may seem incredibly annoying, but it really wasn't. It was relatively calm. It was my family, my dad's best friend and his wife, and then his friend, girlfriend and daughter. Three campsites side by side. Right next to the pool. And we played family feud against the other campers. We swam all day, and ate all night. We got up before the sun rose, and went down way after it had set. But no matter the lack of sleep, none of us were ever tired. Even Olivia, the 10 year old daughter of my dad's friend, wasn't tired. I sat next to a fire with a book, blanket, and great company.

I can't describe how nice it was to kick back, take a weekend off from work, and just keep it nice and calm and quiet with my family. I braided Olivia's hair and my dad's friends would pull on it. She'd scream and run around, like a typical little girl. It made me smile because it's the exact same thing they used to do to me when I was her age. So as I was sitting there braiding my own hair, he came over to me and yanked the braid out. Not forcefully or harmfully, just playing around to piss me off and get me going. I growled, got up, and smack him around a little. He proceeds to grab me by the neck, again extremely playfully, and messes up my hair again. After, he looks me straight in the face and says, you know it's only 'cause I love you.

My brother and myself rented a paddle boat to explore the lake. A $7 well spent, because for the hour we paddled out as far as you could see from shore. Sore as hell, but we did it. We had the time of our lives in an overrated hunk of plastic with two sets of bike pedals to move it.

it made me realize that no matter how much I need the money, taking the weekend off was one of the best things I could have done for myself. I forgot about all my troubles back home, everything that I'd been stressing out about. All the crap going on at work, all the people who've been beating me down.

This is the first summer in years I can actually say I didn't sit around all summer. I actually did things that I wanted to do. Even though I haven't seen Ian, Kevin, Taylor, Dylan, Penny, or any one else for that matter, I still did intersting things. I miss everyone, seeming as I've worked almost every day of the summer.

Ian and Kevin, I can't wait to see you guys when school starts. I miss you guys ! (:

This year's going to be good. The summer before it was good, so this year is going to be just as good. I'm not going to dwell on the seniors that are gone, because after three years I've built myself up enough to take their place.

I'm ready to do it- to spread my wings and fly. They may be gone, and their memories forever left in my heart, but it's time I stood up and said, I am the top of the top. I am the best of the best. I have worked my ass off, I have paid my dues and done my share. I've been hurt by my best friend. I've watched the man I loved love someone else. I got thrown out on the street by someone who meant the world to me. I've done it all, seen it all, and am prepared to take on anything now.

Look out, Central. The seniors of 2011 are going to kick some major ass this year, and you better be ready for it.

I love my life, and I love everyone in it. Period.

<3

Summer Slump

So this summer, I haven't really blogged. Hardly any, in fact. I call it my summer slump. Not being able to put thoughts into phrases, or phrases into sentences. It's pathetic, because I know I am so much more accomplished than this.

I just never have anything substantial to write about.

Right now there's a cake baking that I'm bringing to my dad2's house tomorrow. For those of you who were wondering, I have 2 dads. My biological father, who is my dad first and foremost, and whom I am for the most of the time close with. Then there is my dad's best friend, who has two sons, but no daughters. So, he's sort of assigned himself to my dad 2 role. He does everything my father does. For my birthday he even gave me a card that was meant for a father to give to his daughter.

A year ago at this time I owed my parents just under $6500, granted I'd paid a few payments, so we'll say, $6200. Today, I owe them $1400. Not to mention I paid for everything my car needed, oilchanges, burnt bulbs, gas, and insurance. Someone said to me the other day that I shouldn't have gotten such a 'fancy car' because I had to pick up a second job to pay for it.

Let me set this straight right now.

I didnt HAVE to pick up a second job. I CHOSE to go back to my former job for the summer, because I love the people I work with and it's fun to do. The paycheck is just a sidenote. I do it because it's something to do. Yes, it has put a bit of a strain on my summer, but my car wasn't expensive for what it is, and it is by no means fancy. So, shut up, and pick on someone else !

This morning I got up and checked my phone and had a new picture message from Ian. it's a picture of the picture I drew him last year. And seeing that he still has it, meant a lot to me (: Thanks Ian !

I've also been single for a year now. Officially. My last official relationship was with Nick, which ended briefly after my 16th birthday. It is now briefly after my 17th birthday. Therefore, officially a year. So. What's the freaking problem? It's frustrating. I feel like there's something wrong with me.

I just have serious issues.

I'm going camping this weekend. Get me away from all of this -- sounds like a plaaaaan.

For exactly 48 minutes, I have been 17 years old.

Twisted.

Friday the 9th.
I go to pick up the gift my grandparents bought me for my birthday. It's a princess cut ruby with diamonds surrounding it. It's absolutely gorgeous. Fits my personal style perfectly, I've had my eye on it since eighth grade. And finally, my grandparents said to me, we know you work hard, you're a good student, and a good kid. Pick out whatever you'd like. So I picked that. In all the excitement of FINALLY having this ring after almost four years of droooooling over it, I took a picture of it and sent it to my friend. I get a text back, that says, "It's just a ring. What's so great about it?" I was in shock, my jaw dropped, I couldn't believe this. After awhile, I figured out that it wasn't her- it was her boyfriend. He proceeded to tell me that it meant nothing since it didn't have anything behind it. How about it means that I've worked just about every day this summer, and I paid off my car in just over a year? How about it means that someone finally appreciates everything I've done, the things I've been through, and everything I've sacrificed? Yeah, that's what I thought. So jewelry can't mean anything because my boyfriend didn't give it to me? He says that's not what he said, but it's exactly what he said.
Twisted.

Saturday the 10th.
I'm at work, just like every Saturday morning. I ask a customer if she'd like to buy a raffle ticket, because I'm supposed to ask every customer. She proceeds to give me a line of crap because I didn't know when the drawing was. Anyhow, she ends up buying one in the end, so I swipe her credit card, put it on the counter, and print her receipt for her to sign off on. She proceeds to yell at me because I put her card on the counter while I waited for the receipt. And then continued to tell me that I have no skills to run this business. Sorry hon, I don't run this place, I just work here.
Twisted.
After that endeavor, the assistant manager from another store was a fill-in supervisor because we were short handed. She doesn't know where anything is in our store since she's a fill-in, so she asked me to grab her a ticket gun. The closest one was through the back, since I was in the back of the store. I open the door to take it, and another employee's boyfriend was back there with her, he looks me straight in the face and says, "Speaking of the dumbasses..." I walked out. I'm not putting up with his shit. He has no right to treat me like that, whether he's joking around or not. You just don't talk to people like that- you just don't.
Twisted.

Wednesday the 14th.
I'm at my other job, and a customer walks up to my window, and asks what kind of icecream goes in the waffle bowls. I tell him we will put in whatever kind he'd like. He says he's not sure what kind he wants, and he wants me to 'design it for him.' I said sure, but are you allergic to anything? With my luck, he'd be allergic to peanuts or something and die on the spot. So he says, "Only ugly blonde chicks like you." I should have spit in his food. Or licked it. Or thrown it on the floor. Somehow befowled it in some way. This guy was just a major flea bag. Or in words of John the food prep guy, "profoundly rude."
Twisted.

Thursday the 15th.
It's 8:00 AM, I've just sent Matt off to work, and I'm in our living room watching TV. This obnoxious sounding truck pulls into my driveway- and I've never seen this truck before. Keep in mind, I'm the only one at the house right now. So whoever this guy is, he walks up to the side door, and rings the doorbell. The windows are open, so I know he heard it ring. He rings again. Since I don't answer the door, he walks to the front door- with windows in clear sight of the living room. I book it off the couch and hide in the opposite corner. He rings that bell, no lie, seven times in a row. Then I hear him walking away. But he's not leaving. I hear him walk back up to the side door, and ring the bell, again. Finally he gets in his truck and leaves. I hurry up and check the license plate, ready to write it down, I always do. I see a sticky note stuck to the door, says stopped by to say hello, you weren't here, give us a call sometime. As I saw the license plate, it instantly clicked to me who this guy was. When we sold our condo way back when, these people obviously moved into it, and we've somewhat kept in touch with them. It was that guy. But, isn't it rather certain that my parents would be working at 8 in the morning on a Thursday? And why aren't you? This guy, is also a flea bag. He's really weird and I've never really liked him much. He's just - weird.
Twisted.

It hasn't been a very good past few days, hopefully things will get better sooner than later. I don't want this bs anymore, it's gotta end eventually.

Three Cheers for Five Years

Well, it has officially been five years, so I have to do this.

1. You've always been able to make me smile
No matter what the situation, I've always been able to count on you to make me smile. Even if that meant stealing my stuff and never giving it back, scribbling my name on the inside of your hat, or putting on my abercrombie sweatshirt. I've been hurt a lot, and get upset easily, and you've always known just what to do or say to fix it. I know, I could be Jewish, Helen Keller, and a whole list of other things.

2. You gave me the chance to see that I'm good enough
If there's one thing that I'll take away from all of this, it's the fact that you made me feel a lot better about who I am as a person. By giving me that chance, no matter how hard I had to work for it, you made me see that hey, I'm good enough. I'm good enough to find someone decent and be treated decent. I'm good enough to show the world that I'm confident, that I know what I want, and if I want it bad enough, I can ge tit.

3. You were willing to do anything. And really, anything.
Anything I ever needed, you did. When my iPod got stolen you looked for it. When I was sick and needed a shoulder to lean on, you sat there and let me. When I was cold you'd give me your hoodie to wear. When I was mad at you you'd poke my face until I wasn't mad anymore. No matter what, you'd do anything for me. You'd drag me face to face to friends that I was in fights with. You stopped at my house to make sure I was okay when I wasn't. When my boyfriend broke up with me you offered to break his legs. You've done so much, that I can't even start to list it all.

All in all
The past five years have been hell and happiness in some weird combination. I don't know how to explain them, I can't put words to them. I can't say they were all a cakewalk, but I've learned a lot about myself and that I'll take with me wherever I choose to go. No matter what I'll remember everything and I'll cherish it all forever. No matter where you go, what you do, who you do it with, you'll always know that I'm never forgetting.

I feel so much better.

Everyone is currently wondering what's up with my status, sooo, I'll explain it (:

I was having a chat with my good friend last night, who is also good friends with someone that I used to be exceptionally crazy about. For those of you who follow my blog regularly, it's the guy named Tim that I used to work with at Goodwill. And my good friend, is Skye who is also even more good friends with him. Anyhow, we were having a fairly normal, relatively calm chat yesterday afternoooon, and then I said how frustrated I was with myself that I still wear the perfume that Tim gave me for Christmas this past year. She went on about how it's not a bad thing, and that SHE actually picked it, and not him. So strike one Tim, you lied about that one. We then brought up the one thing that split the two of us apart in the first place, his ex gf, who I'm not even going to bother to put a name to because it's unneccesary. We started talking about her, and everything that's happened between the time that Tim let me go and today (well, yesterday, actually).

Then, she mentions the fact on WHY we never actually dated. The equation was basically simple~ I liked him. He liked me. Bam, done. Ehhh, not really. She said that his parents- yes, his parents- were telling him that I was too young for him. His family, who had never a day in their lives met me, was judging me. Well this ones for them- I may be sixteen years old, but I work two jobs. I have a brother who I've helped raise because he's disabled. I partly run a family business, and I'm on the honor roll. I've never touched alcohol or a cigarette, I have big dreams that I know I'll fulfill. I've never walked in past curfew and never been grounded more than a day. BUt these people, who have never ever met me, were judging me.

And he listened to them! So he went galloping right back to his ex who is only two years older than I am, and left me completely without any other say. Strike two, Tim, letting others tell you what to do. You never striked me as that type.

Here's the icing on the cake. He went to Skye's house one day last week, per normal. He asked how I was. She tells him I'm great. He asks if I have a boyfriend. She says no. He asks if any guys like me, or are interested in me. She says yes. He wants to know who. She tells him. He flips out. She continued to tell him how happy I am, with just the mere thought of someone else.

Strike three, Tim, acting concerned because I'm happy, and acting like you actually give a damn about me anymore.

So. Screw you. Screw all of it. Screw them for trying to tell you what to do. Screw you for letting them. You disgust me, in every single way. And if I ever see you again, I will probably rip your eyes out of your face. I gave you everything, I tried so damn hard, And you gave me nothing. So screw you, hope you have a nice life.

Oh, and PS, if you try to crawl back when I'm a little older, it's not gonna happen. You've caused way too much.

I know it's hard to hate anyone, but.........

just because i feel this way doesnt mean i want to

September 2nd, 2009 til June 17th, 2010

I figured I might as well do something like this for myself.

These, are my top ten things that occured this year that hold weight to them.
When I think of junior year, I think of these things-

10. Dying my hair blond
I know this doesn't seem like it would be on my list. But during April vacation, I decided to dye my hair blonde. So I did. At first I was scared as hell at what people were going to say about it. Just because it was so obnoxious, so different. In the end, I'm glad I did it. It looks amazing, and everyone ended up liking it. But the final though on this one though, is that, I liked it. And I felt good about it. It didn't matter what anyone else was going to say about it- because it made me a little bit more confident.

9. Nick and Ashleigh dating
Most people are going to think that this would be higher up on my list, since it caused so much everyone felt different things about it. But, this is about me, and I'm only putting at number nine because even though it hurt, I'm happy it happened. Yes, it is my ex boyfriend that I had one hell of a time getting over. But I did that. And she's happy. And he's happy. Together they are one, and that's all that's important is that together they are happy. It doesn't matter how many nights I cried and lost sleep over it, how many days I didn't talk to either of them out of nothing but pure anger, or how many times I'd wish it could have been me. It made me stronger, it changed my outlook on so many different things, and it made me into a better person. Because of it, I really got intune with my emotions, and can now easily pinpoint exactly what causes a lot of what I'm feeling, both about relationships and about things that have nothing to do with them. All because of those two. (:

8. Getting my job at Goodwill, and then going out with someone who worked there.
Working at Goodwill really has changed my outlook on a lot of things. Shortly after I started there I met someone who changed my life and made me happy. Who I could be myself with and be happy with. I'm sorry to say that I miss him, so much. I miss how he made me laugh, how he fixed everything, and I'm also sorry to say that he let it all crumble down around me, and it's still sitting there in pieces. I've stepped over it and kept walking, but it's still scattered in shards everywhere. Every once in awhile I step in a piece of it. And it hurts like hell. Sometimes I wonder how I even wake up in the morning, that's how important he was to me. I was just never that important to him.

7. Drawing something for Ian
For those who don't know, at the beginning of the year, I drew Ian a picture of his iPod, (to exact specs, might I add) with the exact number of songs he had on it at that point, with the headphones twisting above it to say IAN, and then wrote lyrics at the bottom. That damn thing took me almost three days in its entirety, and I did it because I needed some tangible way to show him that I cared. I remember his reaction perfectly, as if it was yesterday. All I can say now, though, is I hope to God he still has it, because I put so much effort into it.

6. Not going to Junior Semi
Part of me regrets not going. I bought the dress, made the appointment for my hair, the whole nine yards. And now the dress sits in my closet, seeming as I never got to wear it. (Finally, I have something to wear it to, so it's not going to waste.) But not taking ONE night to go out and get allll dressed up, I dunno, I really feel like I should have. So many people yelled at me, Nick even stopped by my work on his way to pick up Ashleigh just to dig it in one last time that I should have been going. But past is past, and prom here we come <3

5. Making the decision to work two jobs at once
Sometimes I wonder if I really should have two jobs, because it gives me no room to work around. When I first started, I worked sixteen days straight. day off. another few weeks straight, day off. nine days, day off. It was so crazy, but in the end so far it's paid off quite nicely. But it just has proven to me that I'm strong and that I can do it. I've been doing it for the past 2 1/2 months and I've handled it just fine. Yes, it has meant giving up my social life. But that's okay- it'll come back once I'm back down to one.

4. Writing a six paged letter
I'm not going to say who it was to, except that it was to a 'he.' The people who need to know about it, know about it. But it was six pages, each line filled with my emotion, how much I care, and how much I should have been given a chance. I was still never given one, and probably never will be either. I accept that. Doesn't change the way I feel, even though it should. But, he still has it. I know that for a fact. And that means so much to me. Knowing that he at least cared enough not to rip it up and throw it away, just kind of gives me a happy feeling. I know that my words have sunk in, even if it's just a little. So I know he can't say that he doesn't know how I feel. Because all he has to do is read those six pages, and he will.

3. Blow out with Troy
This blow out tops every single blow out I've ever, ever had. I have never had anyone say the words to me that he said to me that day. I will never be able to forgive them, because they are unspeakable and unthinkable. I don't know how in the hell he sleeps at night. But, it doesn't matter. It's in the past and so is he. After everything I tried to do to help him, to make him feel better, to make him see that there's so much more out there that he hasn't seen yet, nope. He treated me like that. No one has ever treated me that way, and because of that, no one ever will. Ever again.

2. Going to the Caribbean
Obviously I had to put this on my list. But this trip was one of the better I've had. I got to go ziplining through the jungle, just me and my mom. I didn't get a horrible sunburn and I spent an entire week with my family. I enjoyed every minute of it and didn't let myself get wrapped up in the stupidity of what was going on back home. It was perfect and I can't wait til next year.

And last, the one thing that I think about when I think about my Junior Year...


1. Meeting Scott
Naturally, this is my number one. I've never felt this way about anyone else, so obviously this is the top of my list. He'll never realize it, but he's changed my life in so many ways. He's made me smile, cry, want to run away and hide, and everything in between. No matter what has happened between October and now, he's always going to be important to me. It's been extremely difficult not seeing him like I used to, even if it was just in passing. But he made so many memories for my Junior year, that I can't even write them all down. He'll never realize how special he is to me, and how many times I wished he could just see that. Even though I tried, again and again, I realize that I've failed, each occasion. But I'll take that and use it to build myself for whatever comes next. Whatever that may be, whoever that may be, how ever and when ever it decides to come. Nothing and no one can ever take the place that Scott will hold in my heart for a very long time, and I dare anyone to try, because you won't. I know that eventually he'll just fade, and it sickens me to know that's gonna happen. But in all reality, it IS going to happen, just like he always did all those times before. WIth that all said, when I look back on my third year at Central High School, he tops the list. 100% without a doubt. Thanks for the memories, best of luck, congratulations, and I'll miss you.

2010(:

Paint Me a Better Picture

I'm really not sure I can put words to a reaction. So I'll just retell the events that happened.

I woke up this morning, and I went and sat out in the sun for just a half an hour. In that half an hour, the temperature rose almost ten degrees. Which is crazy, and it was starting to get hot, so I came inside, hopped in the shower, and made myself some breakfast. For the first time in a long time, it didn't constitute grabbing a poptart and unwrapping it. I actually cracked eggs into a bowl, beated them, and put them in a pan. Threw some stuff in there, and took a spatula, and folded it. And then ate it. I felt really proud of myself. For taking time to do something good for myself.

At this point it was now around 9:45, so I logged into facebook, and in the "most recent" homepage says that he has been writing for the past two hours and that he's going to get some sleep. This gets me curious.

Now keep in mind, I'm in a fantastic mood. I just sat in the sun, took a shower, and ate a good breakfast. Three of my favorite things about summer. So I took a little common sense, and logged onto the website which I log onto so often that I only have to type in the first three letters to the URL and it brings me right there.

I see that this post is going to be a good one, but facing reality they all are, so I read. And I have a slight smile about my face, happy with the happiness and content that I felt as a reader. Then I got to reading, top ten most influential people. So I was wondering, if I was going to be in there. I stopped reading, and said eh, it's not likely. I'm not that important.

So I read through the first three, agreeing where agreeing from my end is deemed relevant, and then, fourth in line, was me. Didn't even have to read it before I knew that I was going to be really happy after I read this.

My jaw at first, just dropped. I let out a huge gasp. To the point where my brother, who was only about 20 feet away from me, asked if everything was okay. I said yeah, mind your own business, and he turned back to the TV and I turned back to the screen. And I kept reading. Then it got into the bet that we made last summer on one of my days when nothing could make me feel happy again. I started to laugh, remembering the day perfectly in my head. But after that, I started to read about the explanation on what brought that on- and it made me cry.

Knowing me too well, he states the following.

Haha this is the point of Amy reading it that gets her head turning.

You can say that again! I couldn't believe everything I'd just read.

So after I dried my eyes I continued to read the rest in bits and pieces, kind of skimming around, then I got down towards the end and the people who deserve a good kick in the shin. Can't say I was surprised about some of the ones in there, and then I see that I am one of them.

Wait. He's got to be kidding me, right? Read on, Amy, read on....

At first I didn't know whether I should be offended by this or laugh at it. Or maybe both, or neither? But, after I've read it over a few times, (yes, I realize that it is now 12:05 and I read it initially at about 10) I've decided that it's recognition of the fact of what I've gone through this year. We all had it pretty bad, and hey, some of us more than others. Some of us were vocal about it and some of us weren't. Some of us fought through it, others of us let it be, others of us just sit here and rampage about it in our blogs. Yep, that last one is a direct reference to myself.

But I see it as acknowledgement that I did go through a lot. That I did have a lot on my plate. That it was hard for me. But that I did it. That I fixed everything I needed to fix and took care of myself.

Even though some of my feelings have changed, I have a sense of security with where I'm at right now, and those who helped me get there. Maybe I don't see you as someone I'd date anymore, even though I used to, doesn't mean for a minute that I don't care. I think it's evident that I always have, since the first day in Sophomore English that I just randomly started talking to. I'm quite flattered, and honored, that you think of me that way- as someone who's helped you forward, and positively influenced you.

I haven't been the best of the best, and I know that. There were times when I could have done a lot more, times when I could have done a lot less, and times where I could have not been such an idiot and realized why the hell you were betting me ten bucks on me having a boyfriend by christmas.

But I have to agree with you most definitely, that I am most definitely happy that we are still friends, and that we have remained that way to this day. And that a relationship might have put that in jepoardy. Maybe, maybe not, but either way it doesn't matter. I'm happy with the outcome as I sit here to say this now, and you are as well.

It doesn't come down to how much I've helped you, how I got you back on your feet, how I influenced or guided or any of that. It's about the fact that you answered the phone at 3 AM that one night that I needed it. It's the fact that you were always there to talk, and you supported me when I needed supporting. You knew how to tell me not to slam on my brakes, use my signals and have a good day. You knew how not to talk the entire ride home from school to see if I could bear it. You knew how to send me an entire seven paged text message of smiley faces, just because.

I know you think that I've done so much for you, but I really haven't. Not in my eyes. And nothing you say will change that.

It's not at all what I've done for you. It's what you've done for me.

And from her lips she drew a "Hallelujah"

I'm going to start with everything from graduation, forward.

June 12th, 2010. Graduation. I got to see the one person that I care about more than almost anything walk across the stage and get a diploma. I always knew he would, but it was just this one moment that I knew was coming was finally here. But before all that. I have a story.

I was sitting with a few people that I know, and a woman, her husband, and younger son walk into the row behind us, and they seem to know one of the girls I was sitting with. They talked for quite awhile, and we all just sort of chatted here and there. So then the woman starts talking about Adam Sandler, and how it's going to be really cool that he's there. I said yeah, and that he came to my work a few weeks ago. I work at goodwill, and he donated a few things. Her eyes slightly bulge, and she goes, "What's your name?" So at that moment, thoughts rush through my head. Does she go there a lot and I don't recognize her? Is she related to someone who works there? I dunno, let's find out. Amy, I say, and you can clearly see surprise in her face. You're Amy? she asks. Yep, that'd be me... is all I can say. She waves at her husband who is sitting a few seats down and says hey, that's Amy...

Who is this person, and how does she know who I am?

It was his mom. Out of all the places I could have chosen to sit, out of all the people who sat behind me, his mom was the one.

After graduation was over, I was walking around outside the Verizon, bumping into a few familiar faces, lots of hugs, and I think I said the word "Congratulations" about fifty times. But one hug stuck out to me more than the rest. His.

Just the fact that he knew that I was there, that I came all the way out in the rain, in a dress nontheless, to see him, was perfect. He knew that my intention was to see him. And he saw me.

I haven't seen him since then, which, I knew I wouldn't. And i'm not even sure I'll see him any time soon. But if I don't, I have the memories of this past year with me, always. Both the good and the bad, they shaped everything into the feelings towards him that I have. I'll never forget how happy he's made me. I'll never forget how hurt he's made me either, but it's more important to remember happiness.

I'm just so proud of him and everything he's accomplished.

So then finals came and went, and I am now officially a Central High School senior. And this year, I've decided, I will have absolutely no self confidence issues. I won't let myself. THe past three years I wasted too much time worrying about how I looked in the eyes of everyone else. So I'm going to concentrate on what I look like in my own view, screw what everyone else things. I've started by sitting in the sun every day since that moment, and slowly my skin is getting darker. I've spent a lot of time going through all the clothes in my closet and deciding, do I feel good in this? If I do, I put it back. If I don't, I'm giving it to Goodwill. I have no room or energy to spend on things that I don't feel good in.

And so since I'm emptying out half my closet, I have to restock it. Which isn't cheap, but how I can put a price on feeling confident?

I've already spent time with friends, gone shopping, and just enjoyed the sunlight. Summer has just started, and it's already amazing.

I know that every day isn't going to be perfect, and some days I'm going to be sitting here bored out of my tree wishing I had somewhere to go.

BUt I know that there are days that I will have somewhere to go, people to see, and things to do. So i just have to look forward to those, instead of not looking at the days where I don't.

I just decided that I'm going to focus on making myself happy and making myself feel better than I have these past three years, and even before that. Because I am almost an adult, and I have to start acting like one.

Whatever it takes, I'm going to do it. The lost, broken, upset, hurting me is gone. THe new me doesn't have time to deal with that bullshit.

And from her lips, she drew a "hallelujah."

<3

Driving Thoughts- Post 100 :D

This is my 100th post since October :) Congrats to meee (throws confetti) hahaha.

So looking over my past 100 posts, I realize, what have I posted that's positive? Optomisitic, Happy? Only a few. Like, maybe, 10, 15? 20 even. Either way thats 20% at the max and that's a failing grade. Quite failing. So I figured I'd talk happy today since I am, for now.!

I got to get out of school at 9:30 today. I did everything I had to do and got home at 10. Tonight I'm getting paid from job #2, so that's now two checks from them that I have, and then auto deposit from job #1 tomorroww, so with those three things, bam baby, I'm gonna make a hell of a car payment. Like seriously. I'll be really surprised with myself if I don't have it completely paid by the start of senior year. Which would be a great accomplishment- not even a year and a half to pay almost seven grand. helllll to the yes.

And, tomorrow, is my official start to summer vacation at 11:30. And I am not working. I get to get to a baseball game. And it's gonna be a really good one too! Then Friday. I am not working. At allll. No school, Brick House, or Goodwill. So, I'm gonna spend it doing exactly what I want to do- I'm just not sure what that is yet. But you know what? That's okay, I have all day today and all day tomorrow to figure it out. Thanks again Brandy for covering me tomorrow night :D :D :D

THe most accomplishing thing I've done this year, though, I'd have to say, is getting intune with my feelings. Really being able to pinpoint how I feel and who I feel it about. I learned a lot on myself and how I can control what I feel. How to use it productively. How to ignore it if it's not. But most of all, I completely got over the one thing in life that was holding me back from everything else. Completely. I don't know exactly when it happened. It wasn't something that happened overnight. It was gradual. But it's a gradual achievement that since 7th grade I never though I'd be able to say I did.

But I did it. Me. I did it. :D :D :D :D :D

So now I'm going to talk about what I wanted to talk about in this post.

Driving thoughts.

Yesterday I went to run a few errands for my mom. And as I was driving around here and there, it was approximately, eh, 11:30 AM or so. Each car I passed, I wondered where they were going. Why were they on the road? Shouldn't they be at work? Maybe they work a night shift. Maybe they're a college student home for the summer. Maybe they're on their way TO work. Maybe they're on a break. Maybe they just called in sick and don't want to go. Maybe they don't have a job at all. Maybe they're going to pick up a sick child from school. Maybe they HAVE a job and just didn't go today.

Maybe, like me, they're driving around wondering why everyone else was driving around.

So then, I was driving down the main road that leads to my road by the school, and there was one of those speed limit flashers. You know, the ones that say, Speed Limit 35, and then flash the speed your doing? Does anyone actually listen to them? Like, if the number is flashing in red, it means you're going too fast. So do you slow down just to make the numbers go back to yellow? Do you ignore it? Do you slow down and then go back to your normal speed?

Depends how I'm feeling, I guess. If I feel like it, sure, I'll slow down a little. If I don't, I keep right on trekking. Those things blink red at like. One mile an hour over. So. Yeah. But I was really wondering. How do people generally respond to them?

So then I went to the Puritan Backroom to get a gift card for my brothers one on one. I walk up to the podium, and I ask to purchase one. And she was kind of rude to me. Like, an, ugh, dont wanna be here. Tough. Why do people act like an asshole at their jobs? Maybe she got dumped last night. Maybe she caught her boyfriend cheating on her last night. Maybe her dog died. Maybe her cat ate her pet fish. Maybe she's getting fired.

Then I went to the dollar store to get a card to put the gift card in. And the cashier was working on something next to the register. And she was totally in the zone and working really hard, and I totally didn't have the heart to interrupt her for a 50 cent card. I knew she'd see me standing there anyways and I was in no rush. So another customer came up behind me, and asked if that was the cashier. I said, I think so, she's just in the middle of something. And the woman says to me, "well, she's in no rush now is she," I got really mad at this, its not her right to be judging her just because she didn't see me standing there. So I reply, "She's just in the middle of something, why don't you just wait a minute and calm down?" That got me wondering- what made that woman so irritated? Maybe she was running late and needed to get out of there. Maybe her cat died. Maybe she just didn't like the cashier (who I think is one of the nicest people I've ever met, by the way!) Maybe her car is in the shop. Maybe she has to have surgery next week.

And as I was driving back home, I realized that I had just spent the past hour wondering about everyone else. Wondering why they are the way they are. Then I wondered, do people ever wonder the same thing about me? Probably, if I'm wondering the same thing about them.

That in itself made me realize- I have to stop wondering about everyone else, what they're thinking, feeling, or doing, and I have to wonder and worry about myself.

I think that's why I'm so happy today- because I did that all of yesterday. (after I got home. hahaha) And I took the time to do something for myself. Due to that, I now have a Friday planned that's going to be awesome- and going to make me smile even more.

Driving thoughts: noun: thoughts that drive you to think about other thoughts, while you're driving. :D

I can't beg this anymore.

I really don't know what else to do, so this my final attempt. Please, someone, slap me across the face. Wipe my memory and hollow out my heart. Make it go away. Make it stop hurting. Make it so that he never did this to me. Make it so that I don't feel pain from him anymore. Make it so that he feels even a fraction of what I feel right now. Last night was so amazing, I got to see you finally succeed. I've always wanted that for you, and you did it. Congrats, by the way. (: But, now that you're gone, I am too. I can't be here. I can't walk through Central anymore without being constantly reminded of everything you are. All the moments spent together and everything that happened. Everywhere I look there you are. Everything I hear there you are. Everywhere I go there you are. I wish you'd give me the chance. I'm so... addicted to everything you are. I hate that I feel this way but I'd hate to feel anything else. It's because I'm. Nevermind.. not important. I don't know how to fix this or deal with it. I want it to stop hurting. I wanna be yours. I wanna be the one you wanna be with. I wanna be the one who means everything to you that you can't stand to be away from. I wanna be special, and important, and safe, and loved. I know you're capable of all of those things but seriously why can't you just see that I'm right here, and that I'm not going anywhere? I have no more tears left to cry or words left to say. Alright, forget it, I can't talk anymore.

it just hurts too much.

Somehow I found a way to get lost in you.
let me inside, let me get close to you.
Don't change your mind, I'll get lost if you want me to.
but somehow I found.
A way to get lost in you.

My bad days have sunk me to a new all time low.

Yesterday and today were the worst days of my life. Sure that's going to sound like an exaggeration but, I really am willing to put them in my top ten worst days.

yesterday, was the day that the seniors get to walk into the auditorium in cap and gown, and everyone celebrates their achievements. Awards are given out, people sing, throw glow sticks, and have a great time. It really was just that- a great time. I saw a lot of my friends in green and white, all ordered up straight and pretty. But then I realized- this is the last party I'm having with them. The last time we'd walk the same halls. Share the same campus. Fight for the same parking spaces.

Today, was even worse. I had to drive into Amherst Street to see a gap where my sister's car is usually parked. And then you look up Beech Street, and the trucks that are normally there, aren't. The blue-grey car with the twenty day plates that sat in Beech Street this week was gone too. I parked myself on Beech Street just so that it wouldn't look so empty. It was empty until almost seven thirty. Everyone I normally see, talk to, and hang out with, was no where in sight.

I walked to each class anxious to see my friends. But I didn't see them. I never realized how difficult it was going to be to not have them here. I guess I just got used to it. But now that they're not here. I don't know what to do with myself. I just can't describe the aching I feel where my heart is supposed to be. I feel like I should be crying, like I should be able to express the emotion that's wrapped up in me right now, but I can't. I know I'll cry eventually, probably at the very last moment, like usual.

It feels like when I had to watch Nick leave in 7th grade. That was so difficult and the pain I felt for the weeks after that were indescribable. I remember them like they were yesterday. But this, this pain, this torture, is worse times a hundred. There's got to be something I can do to make this better for myself. Go to work, go to school, go to the beach, sit out in the sun, listen to music, read a book? Tried it all. Except going to the beach, but that'll come soon. As I was picking out my clothes this morning I was like aww, I look really cute. Oh wait. Who cares. He's not gonna be there to see it.

Because he's never gonna be there anymore. He's left completely without a goodbye. At least with the others I could give them a hug and a thank for everything and a see ya later. But he didn't even give me that. He's completely up and walked out and I can't do it anymore. I don't how the fuck I got so god damned attached, considering we never talk and never see each other. I took every one of those moments for granted this year. I should have taken every opportunity, there's so much more that I could have done.

BUt I didn't do it. Because I'm stupid and didn't do anything. There were so many more times that I could have spoken up or gone to talk to him or anything. I just left it alone. How could I not though? If he wasn't going to try why should I?

You just can't make someone feel something that they don't.

What I feel right now, is something that I have never felt before, I've never been this upset about someone leaving. I've had my fair share of people leaving- but this I can't do. I don't how how to deal with it. I don't know what to do or say or how the hell I'm going to help myself get over it.

Time changes everything, life must go on, and I'm not going to stand in your way.

I think it's because I'm in... never mind. It doesn't matter.

None of it matters anymore. You don't care that I feel this way. I don't even know how it happened for me to feel this way. I don't know how I got to this point. I don't know how to get out of it.

How do I fix this?

It hurts to breathe, it hurts to sit here and think about it hurting, it hurts not to think about it hurting, it hurts to walk around school, it hurts to work, it hurts to write about this, it hurts to text someone about it, it hurts to bring it up at all, it hurts not to talk about it.

Accept it. Just accept the fucking fact that he's gone and he's never going to come back. He doesn't care that your heart races and your hands shake when you get a text from him. He doesn't care that you're down for the count and can't get back up. He. Does. Not. Care. Accept the fact that you're never going to see him again.

So. I'm never going to see you again after tomorrow. When your name is called, I'm going to clap for you. Then you'll walk across the stage and I'll see your face one last time. Then you'll walk off into the sea of green and white, and that'll be it.

What I wouldn't give to just give you a hug right now. Just to tell you that I care. Just to tell you how special you are, no matter how much you frustrate me and how much I get irritated by you. What I wouldn't give..... There is not a single thing that would keep me from making things right for myself.

But, I have nothing to offer you. I'm just me, and that's all I can be. It's not a lot, but it's all I have to give.

Cause maybe, in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back around.

Wait. Face facts. No you're not.

You never will ever again.

Never, ever again.

Never again.

Never.

And it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth

I can't undo the mistakes I've made.

When he texted me and said hey, my buddy wants your number, can i give it to him,
bad idea.

That's what started this entire thing. You started by telling me how pretty I am. How attracted you were to me. If I didn't wave when I walked by, you'd beep your horn so that I'd have no choice but to turn around. Every minute was like the warmth from the sun. You made me feel so much better about myself. After spending four years being caught up in someone else, I was finally free to just be his friend. But you didn't see it that way. Even though he's like a brother to me, that's it, that's all he'll ever be, you saw something that wasn't there. You accused me of still having feelings for him. you had no right to tell me what i felt. You didn't know at all. You didn't believe me when I said I didn't. You could have just trusted me.

He said it himself, he would have loved for you to make me happy. As long as I was happy. I was so ready to give it my all, be your everything, stay in it for the long haul. Give you an honest, true relationship. I knew you'd been hurt, I could hear it in your tone and see it in your eyes. I didn't want you hurt anymore. You'd fixed all my hurt, you made it all go away, you made me feel whole again. I wanted to do the same thing for you. But you never gave me that chance. Three times I approached you, told you exactly how I felt. How crazy I am about you.

You chose to ignore that. You chose to go be with someone else. She's totally amazing, rocks your world and makes you want to live a completely different life. Well, you're happy. That's what counts. What about me, though? Do you even care that I sat here all this entire year, only wanting a real chance? I was just a something on the side for you- you always knew I'd be there, waiting in the wings, waiting for my chance.

I can't do that anymore. I refuse to do that anymore. Five more days I have to walk by you, then after that maybe I can start to heal. As I sit here and the tears roll down my face, I wonder what things would have been like if you'd actually have given me the chance? Picture it, ready. Last night we'd be having your tux fitted. Tomorrow morning I'd be getting my hair done, making sure there wasn't a wrinkle in my gown. The cameras would flash, and off we'd go, and spend the night together at prom with all of our friends.

I hate that you've done this to me. I hate that you've taken every last bit of happyness out of me. You took my happy, you made me cry. You took my lonely and took it for a ride. I just want to undo it. I want my happiness back. I want you to realize exactly what you did. I want you to be sorry for it. I want you to see that you hurt people. Good people, who did nothing wrong towards you. Good people who are just trying to find a place where they're loved. I could have loved you with my whole heart, everything I've got. You just didn't take the time to see it.

I'm trying so hard not to be caught up in you. To not freak out every morning when I walk past you. To search around when I know I'll probably see you. I'm trying to make it so that you don't have any control over my emotions. But it's not working. You still have so much power over me.

Someone, please, just make it stop. I can't breathe. You're suffocating me. You took the happiness I had left, please, just stop. I can't beg this of you anymore. I want my heart back, I want you to know that as crazy as I am for you, I'm tired of hurting, you can't hurt me anymore, please, just please, just don't....

I can't undo meeting you. I can't undo inviting you to visit me at work. I can't undo making you cookies from scratch for your birthday. I can't undo the mornings I used to spend at the window of your truck, to barely get acknowledged. I can't undo the feeling I'd get when you used to tell me how good it was to see me.

I can't undo falling so hard for you.

But I wish I could.

Why did you have to do this, and why can't you just take it back.... take it all back.

Junior Year

The 2010 School Year is almost at its end.
And now that it is, I take the time to look back and see what exactly made this year what it was. It flashed by in front of my eyes, it's like wow, what the hell just happened?

Main synopsis of the story goes a little something like this--

My best friend broke up with her boyfriend.
And she fell in love with my ex.
I had a major crush on hers.
It all worked out in the end,
She had him, he had her.
They're happy.
I moved on and he's my friend.
All is good.

Then I fell for my ex's friend.
Hard.
He made me feel whole again,
I thought that maybe, this time things were going to be different. Things were going to be better, I was going to be wholeheartedly happy and I was going to love with everything I had. I was in it for the long haul. I opened up, told him everything that makes me me. All the little stories that make up who I am. He took it all, soaked it up, and listened when I was upset. He'd be there for me whenever I needed a shoulder to lean on. He'd visit me on my breaks, and always told me it was good to see me.
Then the secret comes out- he has a girlfriend. And won't break up with her.

So, I did what I had to do and let it go.
And I fell for someone else.
Someone completely different, that my family liked, and was every bit as quirky as I was. He accepted all my little imperfections, infact he embraced them, made them a part of who he was. Together, we conquered everything.
Until it crashed down.
And he let it.

So I went back for the guy who was so good to me in the beginning the last time.
And then he went for someone else.
And a third time's a charm.
He's always picked someone over me.

He never gave me the chance to let me be myself, to prove what kind of person I am, to show how happy I can make him. How I could love with everything that I have, how I could make him smile, how perfectly happy I could have been just sitting next to him in his truck. This entire year all I've tried to do is give my whole heart to him, give him the chance to know that we could have had it all.

He just never let me show him how much he meant to me.

I tried, and tried. I did everything I possibly could. Nothing worked. He wouldn't take the time to see how crazy happy he makes me.

Now he's leaving in eight days, diploma in hand, he's going to forget I ever existed.

Maybe then things will go back to normal.

But until then, I'm just going to stand here and still be crazy about him.

And just hope that eventually, it'll fade away.

Just like he will when he graduates.

I'll do it, even if it kills me.

Which, it just might.

We've got all the right friends in all the right places.

I went to visit my uncle this morning. I took the drive, and passed thousands and thousands of granite stones with various names, and dates, until I came to the two trees aligned between the two statues, just over half way up. And there, in goldplated granite, read, David A. Daigle, 1964-2000.

He was only 36 years old, and the accident was exactly that- an accident. Reports have been filed, re-enactments made, specialists have analyzed it over and over, but it doesn't change the fact that he's dead and there's no way to fix that. I don't give a flying leap how many times you build it up and tear it down, how many fancy people in white hard hats look at the paperwork, it was an accident.

An accident, at that, that took away one of the most important people in my life.

I stayed for a few moments, as many as I could bear, and then left. And as I made my way out of the cemetary, I realized how different life would be if he was still around. How many guys he would have scared the living hell out of, how many times I'd been able to turn to him, how many days I would have spent in his pool with my cousins.

But, life changes.

I started to analyze my entire life and face the facts that hey, I could be gone tomorrow. Not that I plan to be. But do you think my uncle planned to be, with a wife, an eleven year old son and an eight year old daugher at home? Of course not. But he was happy, truly happy, until the very moment that he died.

I have to start living like that.

So in honor of my uncle, who would have never approved of you, you are no longer an important part of my life. I've said that before, but I'm damn solid this time. I tried so hard to make you see how much you meant to me and you threw it all out the window every single time. So, you are no longer important to me, and no longer will I particulary care what you do or say. Because when it comes to me, you don't do or say anything. At all.

You won't make me stop in my tracks anymore. Whenever I make eye contact, I'm going to stare at the ground and walk away. I wont let my heart skip when I see a silver grand am and I'll stop checking the license plate on a teal ford.

It'll just take some time. That's all.

Now that summer's knocking at the front door, it's time to stop being so upset and so depressed and take a stand, and make things happen.

Face it, Amy. The rocks are leaving. The entire life that you created this past year is going to be leaving in a few days. My big sister is leaving. My brother is leaving. The two people that I have relied on for everything for the past five years are going to be gone in a matter of minutes. Diplomas in hand they're gonna be gone. It's time that I stand up for myself and be independent and not try to rely on them so much. I have to realize that the past five years have prepared me for this moment that I have to say good bye to them both. Now that it's here, I see exactly the degree of difficulty that I'm going to have. I know I'll be able to land on my feet, because that's what they'd want me to do.

I've rehearsed it in my head so many times, how many different ways I can say thank you for being my everything for five years of my life. But how can you put five years worth into five minutes? It's really not a simple task;; I've completely deemed it impossible.

So I'll stop making it about me, and just thank them for making my life so amazing and being everything I've needed them to be. I'll try not to cry, give them each a hug, and send them off and wish them the best.

Moral for the day- live for today. Because tomorrow? Just might never come.

I wanna write, I really do, I just can't seem to think of anything that I can substantially write about. So maybe I'll just rattle off stuff until something sounds right.

Well, my mom's really sick. She has some infection thing in her tooth or something, I don't really know. But she's sick so my dad is tense so everyone else is tense.
( just wanna get outta here. )

I found out the other day that someone I've always cared about is with a 26 year old.
And he's taking her to prom.
( just wanna get outta here. )

I might have to get cut open, and when I asked someone special if he'd come visit me, he asked why, and if it's because I'm pregnant.
( just wanna get outta here. )

I worked a 6 day week and am going to do the same thing next week.
( just wanna get outta here. )

I got paid up on all my insurance and car payments, and was really excited. Wiped myself out almost dry, but now I was ahead of the game and can pay it all off that much faster. Oh wait- registration is due next week. Shit.
( just wanna get outta here. )

So my mood is relatively gloomy, because there's just a lot going on and a lot of what I can't control.

Now what am I supposed to do?

I'm worn out.

Is it summer yet?

Guns dont kill people;; People kill people.

As I was looking through the vast selection of Goodwill books one night last week, I came across one that was entitled "memos of common sense for your boss/employer." Having a bit of employment struggles lately, I sat on the arm of the wide seated oriental upholstered chair in the book section, and start to skim through a few pages. Page 5 says, "If you're good to your employees, they'll help you. If not, they can hurt you." I realized, it's right. Bosses only look good if they get a good review from customers. Customers give good reviews if the staff gives a great service to them. We give great service when we're happy- a direct reflection on the bosses.

So where am I going with this one? I'm going to the fact that, in this example, one person's influence affects everyone and everything else around them. Whether willingly and deliberate, or quite the contrary, you influence everything else around you. Back to my Goodwill explanation. When I'm happy with my supervisor, my work gets done faster and the store looks cleaner. When I'm not, everything gets done slower. And q u a l i t y, hah, that's like swearing on your grandmother's grave. So forget about quality when you're upset with your boss.

After that, you spread that far and beyond the confinements of work. You spread it through your body language. The tone of your texts. Your facebook status. And hey, even your blog entries that only important people would still be ready at this point. (:

But the most influential thing in life, is the people.

I've met someone influential to me every step of the way though life- I met the people who cared for me all summer every summer. I met the first girls I called my friends.

But I met the most influential person of my life in seventh grade. In 7th grade I was a mess, as everyone very well knows. I didn't like who I was. I didn't know WHO I was, but I didn't like whoever that person was. I'd look in the mirror and most of the time, stare in awe and fight back tears. Who the hell WAS this? But, he grabbed me right as I was about to float away into nothingness. He pulled me back down to Earth. He held me down with every ounce and force he had, and ripped through every bit and fiber of my being. He invaded my head. This man, just a crazy fourteen year old at that point, heard what I didn't. Saw what I couldn't. Did what I wouldn't. He took every positive ounce of memory I had, multiplied it, and shoved it back into my face. He'd work at me every day, chisel and pickaxe, bit by bit the ice chips flew away. I finally met the very beginning of myself that thay. That day that he'd no longer be the person who founded me. And of course I had to be stupid and fall in love with him. But in my own defense, how could you not? After someone gave themself to you for so long, who gave you everything, who protected you until you could stretch your very own wings and fly. It was difficult to ignore a love like that.

As he was no longer around, that person I called me left with him. He made the very soul that filled my heart. And it was the most pain I'd ever felt in my entire life. It was unbearable at points and I didn't know how to handle it. It was withdrawl, that's what it was. No matter how much he frustrated, irritated or annoyed me, it didn't matter. I just needed him.

And now, I have less than one month with him as my guide. As a piece of my soul. Once his paper is in his hand with all those fancy signatures that I know he won't even care to look at, that's it. It's all done. It's over. i don't know what his plans are, or where he's going, what the next stone in the path is. But what I do know for certain is that he has been protecting me for the past five years. And I know he wouldn't leave me if he didn't think I was ready to stretch my very own wings and fly. he must know something I don't. He always did. So when that piece of paper comes and says, Congratulations Nick French, you graduated. It'll be like I'm graduating too- up to the next level of me being me, flying with my own wings.

Back tracking now a bit to my sophomore year. That was the year I met one of the other influential people of my life. Nick introduced me to so many new faces that year, many of which wouldn't know me today if I crossed their path. But there was one that I could never quite shake. I won't play guessing games with this one, it's Scott. Yeah, Scott. Every time I'd walk past him in the hallway, I'd look down or to the side or at the wall or at my feet or at me phone or anything other than him. I could never make eye contact with him. Nick had once previously introduced us in a rainy courtyard morning. This is my buddy, Scott, he said. Afterwards he said to me, don't get any ideas. Too late nick, too late. Scott looked at me, smiled, and then walked away. And that was it. BUt ever since that moment I had never been able to get him completely out of my head or look him straight in the eye. I was too afraid to. And then this year when he geot my number (very clever, actually, I applaud him on that one, it was pretty brilliant) and every day for almost a month we'd do nothing but talk. All day. Every day. Sometimes about important things and sometimes about absolutely nothing at all. I could open up to him, tell him how I felt... and I was at that point where I felt things couldn't get any better than this.

I was right, they didn't.

I wasn't in love with Nick anymore. How it happened, I really don't know. And I'm glad that I'm not. He's always been a brother to me and that's always what he will be.

But with that being said, Scott changed everything about me. He made me whole again. He changed my outlook on life. He made me happy like no one and nothing else could. He saved my life, so to speak.

Sometimes influential people jsut don't realize their importance in your life and choose to go unrecognized. Well, guess what. I refuse to allow it. I'm recognizing it the fact that you have definitely, for sure, changed my life.

But both of these people's influence is not something I take lightly. What I've come to realize is that these people's influence on my life is nothing more than me putting myself into their hands. They influence my life because I let them.

The biggest influence now, looking back on all the people I've met along the way, is myself. Of course, there have been all those people like Nick and Scott here and there that help me sway to one side or the other. But in the end, it's me. This is me. ALl me. I'm solid and standing on firm, solid ground on my very own two feet. These feet were indeed created by the two influences in my life. And now with that, I stand here, completely happy with who I am, and the choices I've made, and those being ones I can r e s p e c t. I've come a long way since that little girl in seventh grade. But I am finally here, ready to stand tall. But I've waited all my life for this moment, to feel this way. So maybe it took a little bit of hairdye and a few new pairs of jeans, but I'm finally happy and content. I love who I am, and whom I've come to be.

And I have these two amazing men to thank for that.

I am me, and I stand tall.
I'll never crumble, waiver at all.
You started me off, cared for me well.
Helped me up whenever I fell.
But now I see that I am me,
And this is how it's supposed to be.

I'm going to be the only person who influences my own life from this point forward. I can't let anyone else change who I am, because, I just can't go through the pain again.

this boy drives me crazy
<3

"i THINK he wanted to do you....

He thought you were an easy lay."

Well guess what, I'm not. Thanks very much :)

I thought that'd be a funny way to start off my blog :D

Anyhow, so I finally took the time a few days ago to let someone know how I feel.
The same person that it's been since just about the beginning of the school year.
He's still as amazing as he ever was <3

And I don't care who doesn't like it- he's so important to me and if you're gonna bash on him, go rot in hell.

The only person's opinion about him who's matters is my own.

If you don't like him, I don't care.

I'm going to do everything I can to make things work out, and make him happy.

He deserves the best and I know I'm not, but I'm going to put my best into everything and hope that it's enough.

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed. sing like a bird, dizzy in my head. sing like a record, crazy on a sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe. Shine like gold, buzz like a bee. Just the thought of you can drive me wild,

Oh you make me smile <3

I hope you know that I'm in this for the long haul, hun, I wanna be your everything :D

xo.

I don't why I trusted you but i knew I could

I've decided to cut him from my life. Completely. He doesn't care about how he's treating me and I've decided he can't do it anymore.

As difficult as it is, as much as it hurts. I have to do it. It can't keep hurting forever.

He's chosen a life that doesnt include me in it, so why should I try to keep including him in mine?

He was my everything, my rock, my shoulder to cry on. He made everything okay again. I used to smile every time I'd hear his name. I used to pick up extra shifts to see him. I used to fall on every word. My heart would race every time I'd hear him say my name, every time he'd hug me or hold my hand. I wish he realized how important he was to me;; everyone else saw it but him.

So, it's the end now. I'm not trying anymore. I'm gonna be me.

" Sometimes I wish we could pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come tell me, is this the end? "

I'm just gonna be me tonight, if that's okay....

The past few days have been... eventful, to say the least.

Looking back I realize how much I've lost.

One year ago today, I was working no more than 13 hours per week. I was getting ready to drive, looking for cars, saving up for drivers ed. I was happy with the guy I was trying to make things work with. Nothing was stressful, I was almost done with CCD, and everything was right with the world.

Now fast forward to today. I work two jobs- with over forty hours totalling next week. I have my license- and my car- which is why I have both jobs. I'm no longer happy with that guy, in fact we fought most of this past year. Which has been completely typical with us. I'm not happy. He is. And I'm so happy for him because she is everything that I never will be, and I have whole heartedly accepted that, and can't blame myself for it. They fit together like... puzzle pieces. They complete each other, make each other whole, and love with everything they've got.

I wish I could say the same.

One year ago, I spent a lot of time with my family. Now, I see my family for approximately 15 minutes of the 24 hour day. Between the time that I finish getting ready for school and the time I actually leave for school is the only time I spend with them. I eat one meal a week with my brother. When I get home from school, I go to work. I come home and everyone is asleep or close to it, and I'm wiped out myself. I get up, shower, get ready for the day, and do it all over again. Then on my weekends, I see them in the morning. And then work the whole day. And see them at night, if I don't have plans.

I wish I had more time to spend with them.

Then I got home today from school, and my mom was home sick. She's been home sick every day this week. She's had three doctors appointments in those days and they don't know what's wrong with her. At all. They've given her stress relief pills crap, but they're making everything worse. And I come home to see her asleep on the couch. Again. Because she can't sleep at night.

There's too much going on in my parent's lives.

We own our own business. And it's tight. All the time. The phone doesn't ring for jobs. The crane doesn't leave the garage half the time. The schedule remains blank. This is the time of the year when work is supposed to be at it's peak- and it's at some of the slowest it's been.

And the repairs stack up, too. There's always things to grease and paint and take care of.

With no money coming in, it has to come from somewhere else.

My mom's own job deals with people every day, mostly ones who yell at her for things she has no control over anyway. Then she has our company to worry about. And my brother on top of all of it.

It's not healthy- and they're doing everything they can to take care of it.

It worries me too- not about all that crap, because I know it'll all iron out eventually, business will boom again or we'll just close the doors and find something else, I'm not at all worried about it. My mom's job, she can always tell them to stick it, she's been there longer than my brother's been born so over 19 years, she's earned it. As for my brother, he has his good and bad days like the rest of us. It's okay.

Hey, slow it down. Whatta want from me? Whatta want from me?
Yeah, I'm afraid. Whatta want from me?

just dont give up, i'm walkin it out. please dont give in, i wont let you down...

now back to me.

It's Friday night, and my only night off for the next week. And what am I doing?
Absolutely nothing.

I had two guys both ask to hang out (individually, of course) on my next day off.

Now one I'd hang out with over the other, so I let him know that I'm free tonight.

That was Wednesday afternoon. I haven't heard from him since.

He's taking everything out ofme and making me feel... the heartbreak all over again. And god damnit for the love of all that's holy, he shouldn't be making me feel this way. I even asked what the hell I did to make him not talk to me. And got no answer. He's tearing me apart, I can't stand the sight of myself, because I know it's something I did. Something I may have said, most likely. And I hate myself for screwing it all up again. It's not fair. I should be with him right now. But i'm not. Because I can't do anything right and I keep screwing everything up.

I drove him to her- and that's why they're probably together agian. No matter what anyone else may say or think about it, it's the truth. It's my fault that I feel this way. And that adds to it so much. I hate the fact that he's controlling everything I feel and every emotion that I have and he's not even trying- it just happens.

I want it to stop.

I know I could have it so much worse, that there are so many others who deal with things so much worse than I do. And I understand that, and agree. But those people who have more on their plates can do it. They're strong with broad shoulders.

I'm not.

This feeling that I've felt the last few weeks or so, it's been so hard to deal with, and I can't get it to go away. I can numb it, for a few minutes here and there, but it doesn't ever go away. I wish he didn't have such a reign over me. cause, he doesn't. But it feels like he does.

Why doesn't it ever get any better?

Thank god it's vacation, I won't have to be reminded of him at all for the next nine days.

Will that be a good thing, or will it just drive me beyond this feeling into something even more worse?

I'm not sure, I guess I'll just have to find out.

Junior Semi. (:

Oh wait, I didn't go.

I made a poor decision and didn't take time for myself. I stayed at the store till past ten at night and worked my ass off all for nothing.

I'm so disappointed with myself right now. For not taking the chance to do something for myself. I'm always doing things for everyone else. Like, I work on my two days off to help out my old boss and some old friends. I work on the night of junior semi to do my new boss a favor. I babysit on my only Saturday night off in forever to help out my parents. Everything I do is for someone else- and never for myself.

And in return everyone leaves me.

i open myself and let someone in who i think is special and then it just ends up that they're all stupid and they all hurt me

when is it going to get any better?

i miss everything that makes me think of you.
music. sunlight. volkswagon cars.
the color blue. beamers. aprons.
pink hats. plaid hoodies. ripped jeans.
leather seats. snow fall. ice scrapers.
perfume. battleship. spaghetti.
sundays. 7:05 AM. poems.
abercrombie skirts. mountain dew. fireworks.
boston. spinning out. flat tires.
christmas trees. mac and cheese. iPhones.
flash drives. donations. sunglasses.
the park bench. Hanover St. Monday nights.
Cages. Boxes. Fitting rooms.
Linens. Black chairs. facebook.
chicken fingers. shrimp. rice.
horror films. sick days. sweats.

but now it's all memories.

this is how you remind me of what i really am.

i wish "respect" was mutually understood.

I'm so sick of going everywhere in life by myself.
I'm at the point where people can't even return a simple flipping text message from three days ago.
If you don't wanna go just say no. It's not that hard. I would have understood.
If you don't like someone you work with, don't give them an attitude. Just don't work side by side with them. Let them go their way and if they try to help you out by mentioning something you're doing wrong, don't give them hell and then tell everyone what didn't actually happen to the point where you're crying on the sales floor and have to run out back so customers dont see you.
If you feel like someone at work excluded you from something, don't yell at them in front of the rest of the employees. Don't give them crap for it if you don't mean it, if it was completely harmless and actually had nothing to do with you because you don't even work at the same time that the other person does.
If you need more hours at work and want to win an inhouse competition that you already have in the bag, don't take the hours from someone else who needs them just as bad as you do.
If you're going to break a person's heart by deciding to date someone else and not tell them, don't ignore them and act like you don't know them. Don't snap your neck in the opposite direction and keep walking without acknowloging that they're there, no matter who they're talking to.
If you're going to tell someone that you hate someone that they don't like, don't turn around and tell them how pretty they are and that they should totally hang out soon. If you don't hate them like you say you do, just say it straight out.
If you're going to be upset with someone, don't completely ignore them when they're used to seeing you in the morning. Don't just not text them to tell them that you're there. Just at least tell them you don't want to talk to them.

It would just be so much easier if everyone just came out and say what they feel, and what they think of things, because otherwise it just leads for people to the point where they're sick all the time, and don't eat, and hardly get any sleep. It's not right for a person to get themselves all tied up into knots because of the way that everyone in their life treats them. One person shouldn't have to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders (since she pulled all the muscles in it, after all.) One person who is sixteen freaking years old shouldn't be under all of this.

I'm not doing this anymore.

So everyone needs to just cut the crap before I snap and fall in a heap somewhere.

But who'd actually come looking for me?

Hmm. point proven.

I Don't Like This.

I'm not really sure what happened, but what I can say is when you're already on edge, and someone else comes in, puts a little more on your plate, and doesn't understand that this is just the cherry on the flipping sundae, and then they flip out at you for apparently flipping out on them, when you most definitely didn't.

For those of you who really care, one of my best friends was in the hospital this past week. And it made me really scared because I don't like hospitals. Bad things have happened to me in those places and I just can't do it. I can't hear that someone so important to me is confined in those walls.

I wanted to get there, to see her and be with her but I couldn't. Like literally my schedule wouldn't allow it, but if I could have I would have fought against myself and gone in there and been by her side, all night if I had to, anything for her.

So I sat in the classroom all week anxiously awaiting word from her other half to let me know what was going on, and thank god for him. He kept me updated with everything, I always knew what was going on, and I seriously can't thank him for that. I couldn't be there but he made sure I knew everything that was happening;

Most importantly that she was going to be okay.

It was scary as hell not knowing what was going to happen, it was like reliving my uncle's accident all over again. And it's difficult to say the very least. And now I can finally breathe again, that she's home and safe and he's there to take care of her and love her and be her rock. And she's going to be just fine. (:

So when someone says, we need to talk, about you, it makes me a little more apprehensive than I already was. And by you making me wait some more to tell me whatever it is you wanted to tell me about myself, it enlarged the scale and made things so much worse. I tried to tell you that I was already going through a lot and that I couldn't deal with that in addition, and you took that as me flipping out on you.

Trust me. I wasn't flipping out on you.

So I don't really have anything else left to say except that it's not my fault that you flipped my words into something they weren't, but i'm serious when I say no one can tell me what to do. So you don't get to tell me to calm down or chill out when my best friend is sitting in a hospital bed and there's nothing I can do about it.

That's all I have to say, if you want to stay pissed off at me then fine, you go right ahead. I'm not gonna stop you. If you want to use me to be angry with, fine. Do it. All that emotion is gonna go somewhere, so why not me, right?

Now who's the emotional punching bag?

The week in rap

Not really, cause I don't rap, but I'm gonna write about the week.

Sunday. Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Work. (enough said about that.)

Monday, I asked if you'd be my date to junior semi. You asked when and where. So I told you.

No response.

Tuesday, I say just let me know by Friday if you're gonna come with me.

No response.

Thursday night, I ask if I'm buying 1 ticket or 2.

No response.

Friday morning- Looks like one then, I say.

No response.

You know what bugs me? When people just drop out of each other's lives with no explanation as to why, it kinda makes you feel like shit, ya know?

No response to that either.

Which means you really just don't care.

What you don't realize is that you have sunken me down into that hole that I was in four years ago, that took me over four years to get out of.

I'm sorry but I don't have four years to waste on you.

Get off your high horse, give me some respect, and just tell me that you want nothing to do with me.

It'd be a lot easier that way...

But until then, I'm going to dream of the time when things were good and realize that they never will be again because I was never good enough for you, apparently.

I gave you my whole heart, I opened up to you, I told you things I would have never said to anyone else. And you blocked me out.

You built me up to break me down.

After you promised that you'd help keep me happy- so that I wouldn't go back to my old ways.

What kind of person breaks a promise like that?

why don't you stay?
i'm down on my knees
i'm so tired of being lonely
i can give you what you need
when she calls you to go
there is one thing you should know
i don't have to live this way
so why don't you stay?


life crumbles
you pick it back up
make it whole again
and it'll just fall apart
people change
people come
people go
there's no way to explain it
it just is what it is
today is today,
tomorrow is a mystery.
anything beyond that
you can't worry about
until it gets here.
i'll fix this somehow
i'll grab my life by the neck
shake it loose
kill it if i have to
and start it all over again.
make things right,
make myself smile,
be the person i want to be.
today is today,
tomorrow a mystery.

Why are there so many people?

Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in the history of my high school career, minus being left by the guy I was completely in love with, and my custom engraved ipod being stolen. It was a rough morning, so I walk into school looking pretty normal, in jeans and a sweater. And for the first time in months, not a speck of makeup on my face. So what does Travis say? "Why aren't you wearing any makeup?"

Didn't feel like it, I say, and he says back, "But you look so much better WITH it."

Ugh. How irritating. His girlfriend hits him and tells him not to say things like that, and I tense up and I'm going to hit him. He wraps his arms around me tightly, and refuses to let go until I promise I won't hit him. He lets go, I open my car door, get in, and slam it.

Then, I alllllmost get into a car accident. There were two cars in front of me, the first one stopped suddenly to turn, so the one in front of me stopped too, and that left me to slam on my brakes so fast I hit my head on the steering wheel. And then, there's someone LAYING on the damn horn at me in the car behind. I steal a peek in my rearview mirror, it's Taylor. Fantastic. Next thing I know my phones ringing, it's Taylor telling me not to text while driving because I almost rearended the guy.

I wasn't even on the damn phone, but thank you so much for your assumption. I'm behind you, he says. No duh, I have mirrors, and use them, thank you.

Just everything that could go wrong, did, and then I get home. My dad's leaving for work. I have a paper to write but I have to do the business paperwork before I can get started on my own.

He leaves, I finish the paper, I gather myself, and head out to work.

I walk in with Kendra a few minutes early, and Kayla trails in not far behind us. My manager is there, along with her daughter, showing some of the day crew pictures from her vacation she just took to Florida. Whatever. Throw my apron on, punch in, and hit the floor. Tim's closing supervisor today, and he's got a list of things he wants me to do. Everything I had to do was a complete battle, but somehow, I got it all done. Every last piece of it. Even the stuff that seemed like we wouldn't be able to make it all fit in one place- I did that too. (I like to think i have SOME skill in the retail world after all...)

But is it enough? Of course not.

I go on my lunch break, and did absolutely nothing for the half hour. Like. I really didn't. Punch back in and hit the floor cleaning and running the fitting rooms. The three of us are cleaning and what not, but it's so hard. Not cleaning, but cleaning with them, because they've been best friends since like, forever, and I always feel so out of place.

Everyone leaves at nine, and I'm stuck doing all the closing things by myself. It's just me and Tim in the building for a half an hour- how awkward.

This morning, I was awakened by the storm crashing on my windowsills. At two. In the morning. And I didn't get back to sleep. I'm tired as hell, I'm sore as hell, and don't really give two craps about anyone or anything right now. I get in the shower, and out, throw my hair into a pony tail and dig my sweats out of my closet.

Don't even give a damn what I look like, either.

And then today, I realized that there are so many damn people around that I haven't been completely alone in almost five days. This deeply angers me. Every day when I get home from school I have that lapse of time to sit by myself and unwind from the day. Every second of every day someone else has been in close proximity.

I just want to be left alone. Is that so much to ask, is it? I really don't think it's that difficult of a concept to comprehend.

So then I just decided to check up on some people, and I see a mound of words all slammed into paragraphs and because I care, I make my way through it. And now I'm even more angry.

What I'm about to say will probably anger some, but frankly, you angered me first.

I am one of those people who needs someone else in their life to keep them going. I need a guy that cares about me to make me feel good enough to keep going. But I don't sit here and bitch about it constantly, and I don't like when people make generalizations about the people like myself who do need someone else in their life. Because maybe that's the only way that I feel loved and appreciated and without it I don't see a point to my life.

Have you ever considered that?

Maybe I'm just one of those people who needs to feel valued, who needs to be appreciated, who needs someone to lean on in the weak moments.

The past two days have been my weak moments- but I haven't had anyone to lean on.

I got walked out on- and then I got stood up- by the same person. He's meant more to me than anything and I'd do anything for him but right now he's not even acting like he cares anymore. I'm at the point where I think he doesn't. And I'm going to have to find some way to deal with that.

But wait, I'm 16, young, beautiful, intelligent, smart, funny and pretty, and have my whole life ahead of me to find someone.

Well, that's talking about the future. That's talking about college and past that into the real world when I'm like, twenty five and all that stupid shit.

That doesn't help me right now. And I've noticed the only ones who say that are those who HAVE someone in their lives already that don't need to find anyone else because they're perfectly happy with where they're at.

I'm not. So don't tell me that I am.

The only thing I have in my life that's positive right now is my work, because it's the only place that I can go right now that I feel like I do have SOME role, because after all I'm one of the people who's there because I like the cause, not just the paycheck I get every two weeks. It's ridiculous that the only place I have right now is my work, and I can't stand it.

There are so many PEOPLE around- driving home there's cars next to you and in front of you and behind you. At school you're filled with other classmates, some who are idiots, some who are smarter than you, both ways you don't want to be there. Work, I work at a STORE, so there's always people there willing to drive me up a wall. I come home and I don't even have my time to myself. Because my brothers "sick."

He's sitting down here watching tv acting like his normal self. Yeah, he's real sick.

I can't take this anymore, and I'm down to my very last wire. I'm going to hang on to everything I have but as of right now it really isn't much to hold onto. Where am I supposed to go from here, and who the hell is going to help me?

I don't know.

But why are there so many people?

And why can't they just leave me alone?

It's been hard.

It's been hard to get this finished, I've been working on it since I got back from Mexico. but, I think it's finally good and ready to be published (:


Ian.

"Love" is not a word that I can define easily, but I can easily say that I love Ian. He's like a brother to me. When I couldn't stand on my own, he was my backbone. When I couldn't put my own thoughts to words, he gives me a three days grace song. When I couldn't bare to live one more day of my own life, he gave me the opportunity to smile. He means the world to me, and I'd do anything for him. Any day. I'll never be able to show my appreciation for everything he's done for me. But, I will certainly try. AB, 3/19/2010

This is it, it's finally somewhat okay, I get you a handwritten asap.

(:

Beware the ides of march

So sitting in class today, I watched something I strongly feel against.
We were all working on our work that we were supposed to do, and I was lingering off into la la land as i usually do every five minutes, and then I hear him screaming at her.

I watch as she folds her arms on her desk and buries her face in them.
I've seen that happen before.

He shoves her desk, taunting her, oh no, this isn't pretty.

I try to look away but I can't. My eyes are peeled now.
I miss part of his sentence, but I hear it end with "... you bitch!"

She screams, raises a fist to him and looks like she's about to cry.

He says it again.

That's it. He doesn't have the right to do that.

I had to step in.

I scream from across the room, "Shut up, don't you dare talk to her like that,"
and am ignored. Perhaps just not heard.

I jump in again.

"She doesn't deserve to be treated like that, shut up."

Another classmate echoes my words from the other side of the room.

"Learn how to treat your friends."
Again, we both go unheard.

Everyone's watching now as she's screaming at him to leave her alone, how he needs to stop calling her names and hitting her.

I don't, he taunts her back, again.

Ask everyone in the class!

They both have everyone's attention now.
One more time I jump in to stop this.. again, unheard.
The teacher comes over and calms things down.

Eventually he's sent out of the room.

Good.

Now everyone is completely silent. I break it by starting up project talk with my group.

Now, where were we?

After class I text her, and I tell her that I'm proud of her for doing what she did, that she has no right to be treated that way.

Because she doesn't.
From anyone.

I can't believe how long it's been since I was beside her, and how different things have been. What brought this on?

Watching someone else hurt her for no reason, I couldn't let it happen.
Even if I wasn't heard, I know I tried my best to help protect her.
No matter if she was doing perfect on her own.

She's stronger than any could ever imagine, I only dream that someday I can be a fraction of that. And I'm sick and tired of all the crap we've all been putting each other through, and it ends right now.

I'm serious when I say this, if anyone doesn't like it we can speak directly about it, but for right now, I finish with this.

No one will treat anyone else like crap anymore. We're all going through our own problems in our own lives, but that doesn't give us the right to take it out on each other. I don't care what you've done to the other person or what the other person has done for you. We were all there for each other at one point or another, and maybe we're not all there for each other anymore.

But I will be there- for those who are there for me- starting right now.

I'm going to try to mend the things that I have broken, because of my own misjudgement I ruined many things.

So, no one will be treating anyone with anymore disrespect.

It stops right here.

Bam. Done.