I figured I might as well do something like this for myself.
These, are my top ten things that occured this year that hold weight to them.
When I think of junior year, I think of these things-
10. Dying my hair blond
I know this doesn't seem like it would be on my list. But during April vacation, I decided to dye my hair blonde. So I did. At first I was scared as hell at what people were going to say about it. Just because it was so obnoxious, so different. In the end, I'm glad I did it. It looks amazing, and everyone ended up liking it. But the final though on this one though, is that, I liked it. And I felt good about it. It didn't matter what anyone else was going to say about it- because it made me a little bit more confident.
9. Nick and Ashleigh dating
Most people are going to think that this would be higher up on my list, since it caused so much everyone felt different things about it. But, this is about me, and I'm only putting at number nine because even though it hurt, I'm happy it happened. Yes, it is my ex boyfriend that I had one hell of a time getting over. But I did that. And she's happy. And he's happy. Together they are one, and that's all that's important is that together they are happy. It doesn't matter how many nights I cried and lost sleep over it, how many days I didn't talk to either of them out of nothing but pure anger, or how many times I'd wish it could have been me. It made me stronger, it changed my outlook on so many different things, and it made me into a better person. Because of it, I really got intune with my emotions, and can now easily pinpoint exactly what causes a lot of what I'm feeling, both about relationships and about things that have nothing to do with them. All because of those two. (:
8. Getting my job at Goodwill, and then going out with someone who worked there.
Working at Goodwill really has changed my outlook on a lot of things. Shortly after I started there I met someone who changed my life and made me happy. Who I could be myself with and be happy with. I'm sorry to say that I miss him, so much. I miss how he made me laugh, how he fixed everything, and I'm also sorry to say that he let it all crumble down around me, and it's still sitting there in pieces. I've stepped over it and kept walking, but it's still scattered in shards everywhere. Every once in awhile I step in a piece of it. And it hurts like hell. Sometimes I wonder how I even wake up in the morning, that's how important he was to me. I was just never that important to him.
7. Drawing something for Ian
For those who don't know, at the beginning of the year, I drew Ian a picture of his iPod, (to exact specs, might I add) with the exact number of songs he had on it at that point, with the headphones twisting above it to say IAN, and then wrote lyrics at the bottom. That damn thing took me almost three days in its entirety, and I did it because I needed some tangible way to show him that I cared. I remember his reaction perfectly, as if it was yesterday. All I can say now, though, is I hope to God he still has it, because I put so much effort into it.
6. Not going to Junior Semi
Part of me regrets not going. I bought the dress, made the appointment for my hair, the whole nine yards. And now the dress sits in my closet, seeming as I never got to wear it. (Finally, I have something to wear it to, so it's not going to waste.) But not taking ONE night to go out and get allll dressed up, I dunno, I really feel like I should have. So many people yelled at me, Nick even stopped by my work on his way to pick up Ashleigh just to dig it in one last time that I should have been going. But past is past, and prom here we come <3
5. Making the decision to work two jobs at once
Sometimes I wonder if I really should have two jobs, because it gives me no room to work around. When I first started, I worked sixteen days straight. day off. another few weeks straight, day off. nine days, day off. It was so crazy, but in the end so far it's paid off quite nicely. But it just has proven to me that I'm strong and that I can do it. I've been doing it for the past 2 1/2 months and I've handled it just fine. Yes, it has meant giving up my social life. But that's okay- it'll come back once I'm back down to one.
4. Writing a six paged letter
I'm not going to say who it was to, except that it was to a 'he.' The people who need to know about it, know about it. But it was six pages, each line filled with my emotion, how much I care, and how much I should have been given a chance. I was still never given one, and probably never will be either. I accept that. Doesn't change the way I feel, even though it should. But, he still has it. I know that for a fact. And that means so much to me. Knowing that he at least cared enough not to rip it up and throw it away, just kind of gives me a happy feeling. I know that my words have sunk in, even if it's just a little. So I know he can't say that he doesn't know how I feel. Because all he has to do is read those six pages, and he will.
3. Blow out with Troy
This blow out tops every single blow out I've ever, ever had. I have never had anyone say the words to me that he said to me that day. I will never be able to forgive them, because they are unspeakable and unthinkable. I don't know how in the hell he sleeps at night. But, it doesn't matter. It's in the past and so is he. After everything I tried to do to help him, to make him feel better, to make him see that there's so much more out there that he hasn't seen yet, nope. He treated me like that. No one has ever treated me that way, and because of that, no one ever will. Ever again.
2. Going to the Caribbean
Obviously I had to put this on my list. But this trip was one of the better I've had. I got to go ziplining through the jungle, just me and my mom. I didn't get a horrible sunburn and I spent an entire week with my family. I enjoyed every minute of it and didn't let myself get wrapped up in the stupidity of what was going on back home. It was perfect and I can't wait til next year.
And last, the one thing that I think about when I think about my Junior Year...
1. Meeting Scott
Naturally, this is my number one. I've never felt this way about anyone else, so obviously this is the top of my list. He'll never realize it, but he's changed my life in so many ways. He's made me smile, cry, want to run away and hide, and everything in between. No matter what has happened between October and now, he's always going to be important to me. It's been extremely difficult not seeing him like I used to, even if it was just in passing. But he made so many memories for my Junior year, that I can't even write them all down. He'll never realize how special he is to me, and how many times I wished he could just see that. Even though I tried, again and again, I realize that I've failed, each occasion. But I'll take that and use it to build myself for whatever comes next. Whatever that may be, whoever that may be, how ever and when ever it decides to come. Nothing and no one can ever take the place that Scott will hold in my heart for a very long time, and I dare anyone to try, because you won't. I know that eventually he'll just fade, and it sickens me to know that's gonna happen. But in all reality, it IS going to happen, just like he always did all those times before. WIth that all said, when I look back on my third year at Central High School, he tops the list. 100% without a doubt. Thanks for the memories, best of luck, congratulations, and I'll miss you.
2010(:
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