Yesterday and today were the worst days of my life. Sure that's going to sound like an exaggeration but, I really am willing to put them in my top ten worst days.
yesterday, was the day that the seniors get to walk into the auditorium in cap and gown, and everyone celebrates their achievements. Awards are given out, people sing, throw glow sticks, and have a great time. It really was just that- a great time. I saw a lot of my friends in green and white, all ordered up straight and pretty. But then I realized- this is the last party I'm having with them. The last time we'd walk the same halls. Share the same campus. Fight for the same parking spaces.
Today, was even worse. I had to drive into Amherst Street to see a gap where my sister's car is usually parked. And then you look up Beech Street, and the trucks that are normally there, aren't. The blue-grey car with the twenty day plates that sat in Beech Street this week was gone too. I parked myself on Beech Street just so that it wouldn't look so empty. It was empty until almost seven thirty. Everyone I normally see, talk to, and hang out with, was no where in sight.
I walked to each class anxious to see my friends. But I didn't see them. I never realized how difficult it was going to be to not have them here. I guess I just got used to it. But now that they're not here. I don't know what to do with myself. I just can't describe the aching I feel where my heart is supposed to be. I feel like I should be crying, like I should be able to express the emotion that's wrapped up in me right now, but I can't. I know I'll cry eventually, probably at the very last moment, like usual.
It feels like when I had to watch Nick leave in 7th grade. That was so difficult and the pain I felt for the weeks after that were indescribable. I remember them like they were yesterday. But this, this pain, this torture, is worse times a hundred. There's got to be something I can do to make this better for myself. Go to work, go to school, go to the beach, sit out in the sun, listen to music, read a book? Tried it all. Except going to the beach, but that'll come soon. As I was picking out my clothes this morning I was like aww, I look really cute. Oh wait. Who cares. He's not gonna be there to see it.
Because he's never gonna be there anymore. He's left completely without a goodbye. At least with the others I could give them a hug and a thank for everything and a see ya later. But he didn't even give me that. He's completely up and walked out and I can't do it anymore. I don't how the fuck I got so god damned attached, considering we never talk and never see each other. I took every one of those moments for granted this year. I should have taken every opportunity, there's so much more that I could have done.
BUt I didn't do it. Because I'm stupid and didn't do anything. There were so many more times that I could have spoken up or gone to talk to him or anything. I just left it alone. How could I not though? If he wasn't going to try why should I?
You just can't make someone feel something that they don't.
What I feel right now, is something that I have never felt before, I've never been this upset about someone leaving. I've had my fair share of people leaving- but this I can't do. I don't how how to deal with it. I don't know what to do or say or how the hell I'm going to help myself get over it.
Time changes everything, life must go on, and I'm not going to stand in your way.
I think it's because I'm in... never mind. It doesn't matter.
None of it matters anymore. You don't care that I feel this way. I don't even know how it happened for me to feel this way. I don't know how I got to this point. I don't know how to get out of it.
How do I fix this?
It hurts to breathe, it hurts to sit here and think about it hurting, it hurts not to think about it hurting, it hurts to walk around school, it hurts to work, it hurts to write about this, it hurts to text someone about it, it hurts to bring it up at all, it hurts not to talk about it.
Accept it. Just accept the fucking fact that he's gone and he's never going to come back. He doesn't care that your heart races and your hands shake when you get a text from him. He doesn't care that you're down for the count and can't get back up. He. Does. Not. Care. Accept the fact that you're never going to see him again.
So. I'm never going to see you again after tomorrow. When your name is called, I'm going to clap for you. Then you'll walk across the stage and I'll see your face one last time. Then you'll walk off into the sea of green and white, and that'll be it.
What I wouldn't give to just give you a hug right now. Just to tell you that I care. Just to tell you how special you are, no matter how much you frustrate me and how much I get irritated by you. What I wouldn't give..... There is not a single thing that would keep me from making things right for myself.
But, I have nothing to offer you. I'm just me, and that's all I can be. It's not a lot, but it's all I have to give.
Cause maybe, in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back around.
Wait. Face facts. No you're not.
You never will ever again.
Never, ever again.
Never again.
Never.
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