Why are there so many people?

Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in the history of my high school career, minus being left by the guy I was completely in love with, and my custom engraved ipod being stolen. It was a rough morning, so I walk into school looking pretty normal, in jeans and a sweater. And for the first time in months, not a speck of makeup on my face. So what does Travis say? "Why aren't you wearing any makeup?"

Didn't feel like it, I say, and he says back, "But you look so much better WITH it."

Ugh. How irritating. His girlfriend hits him and tells him not to say things like that, and I tense up and I'm going to hit him. He wraps his arms around me tightly, and refuses to let go until I promise I won't hit him. He lets go, I open my car door, get in, and slam it.

Then, I alllllmost get into a car accident. There were two cars in front of me, the first one stopped suddenly to turn, so the one in front of me stopped too, and that left me to slam on my brakes so fast I hit my head on the steering wheel. And then, there's someone LAYING on the damn horn at me in the car behind. I steal a peek in my rearview mirror, it's Taylor. Fantastic. Next thing I know my phones ringing, it's Taylor telling me not to text while driving because I almost rearended the guy.

I wasn't even on the damn phone, but thank you so much for your assumption. I'm behind you, he says. No duh, I have mirrors, and use them, thank you.

Just everything that could go wrong, did, and then I get home. My dad's leaving for work. I have a paper to write but I have to do the business paperwork before I can get started on my own.

He leaves, I finish the paper, I gather myself, and head out to work.

I walk in with Kendra a few minutes early, and Kayla trails in not far behind us. My manager is there, along with her daughter, showing some of the day crew pictures from her vacation she just took to Florida. Whatever. Throw my apron on, punch in, and hit the floor. Tim's closing supervisor today, and he's got a list of things he wants me to do. Everything I had to do was a complete battle, but somehow, I got it all done. Every last piece of it. Even the stuff that seemed like we wouldn't be able to make it all fit in one place- I did that too. (I like to think i have SOME skill in the retail world after all...)

But is it enough? Of course not.

I go on my lunch break, and did absolutely nothing for the half hour. Like. I really didn't. Punch back in and hit the floor cleaning and running the fitting rooms. The three of us are cleaning and what not, but it's so hard. Not cleaning, but cleaning with them, because they've been best friends since like, forever, and I always feel so out of place.

Everyone leaves at nine, and I'm stuck doing all the closing things by myself. It's just me and Tim in the building for a half an hour- how awkward.

This morning, I was awakened by the storm crashing on my windowsills. At two. In the morning. And I didn't get back to sleep. I'm tired as hell, I'm sore as hell, and don't really give two craps about anyone or anything right now. I get in the shower, and out, throw my hair into a pony tail and dig my sweats out of my closet.

Don't even give a damn what I look like, either.

And then today, I realized that there are so many damn people around that I haven't been completely alone in almost five days. This deeply angers me. Every day when I get home from school I have that lapse of time to sit by myself and unwind from the day. Every second of every day someone else has been in close proximity.

I just want to be left alone. Is that so much to ask, is it? I really don't think it's that difficult of a concept to comprehend.

So then I just decided to check up on some people, and I see a mound of words all slammed into paragraphs and because I care, I make my way through it. And now I'm even more angry.

What I'm about to say will probably anger some, but frankly, you angered me first.

I am one of those people who needs someone else in their life to keep them going. I need a guy that cares about me to make me feel good enough to keep going. But I don't sit here and bitch about it constantly, and I don't like when people make generalizations about the people like myself who do need someone else in their life. Because maybe that's the only way that I feel loved and appreciated and without it I don't see a point to my life.

Have you ever considered that?

Maybe I'm just one of those people who needs to feel valued, who needs to be appreciated, who needs someone to lean on in the weak moments.

The past two days have been my weak moments- but I haven't had anyone to lean on.

I got walked out on- and then I got stood up- by the same person. He's meant more to me than anything and I'd do anything for him but right now he's not even acting like he cares anymore. I'm at the point where I think he doesn't. And I'm going to have to find some way to deal with that.

But wait, I'm 16, young, beautiful, intelligent, smart, funny and pretty, and have my whole life ahead of me to find someone.

Well, that's talking about the future. That's talking about college and past that into the real world when I'm like, twenty five and all that stupid shit.

That doesn't help me right now. And I've noticed the only ones who say that are those who HAVE someone in their lives already that don't need to find anyone else because they're perfectly happy with where they're at.

I'm not. So don't tell me that I am.

The only thing I have in my life that's positive right now is my work, because it's the only place that I can go right now that I feel like I do have SOME role, because after all I'm one of the people who's there because I like the cause, not just the paycheck I get every two weeks. It's ridiculous that the only place I have right now is my work, and I can't stand it.

There are so many PEOPLE around- driving home there's cars next to you and in front of you and behind you. At school you're filled with other classmates, some who are idiots, some who are smarter than you, both ways you don't want to be there. Work, I work at a STORE, so there's always people there willing to drive me up a wall. I come home and I don't even have my time to myself. Because my brothers "sick."

He's sitting down here watching tv acting like his normal self. Yeah, he's real sick.

I can't take this anymore, and I'm down to my very last wire. I'm going to hang on to everything I have but as of right now it really isn't much to hold onto. Where am I supposed to go from here, and who the hell is going to help me?

I don't know.

But why are there so many people?

And why can't they just leave me alone?