inside i hope you know i'm dying...

... with my heart beside me, in shattered pieces that may never be replaced. and if i died right now, you'd never be the same...

So what a weekend it has been. Friday nights out are the best :) Had such a good time getting away from everything, kicking back, eating chocolate and watching a chick flick with one of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Saturday, work, eh, whatever right? But hey! My supervisior is AMAZZINGG, let me go home earrrly! I love rainy saturdays. And then today, not horrible either. had my fair share of laughs, because i love amelia and skyeeeee.

But what's going on right now though, is what's entirely different. We're finally talking, deciding what exactly went wrong. But do we want to fix it? I'm not sure. Is there anything worth saving? There used to be. But is there now? Like I said, I don't know. it's hard to grasp the fact that if it was me that's always been that special one then how could I have been dumped three times in a span of four months? You've done it again- you've crawled into the very depths of my soul and attached yourself so that I can't get along without you. And you want out of my life and you've kicked up a hell of a lot of dust on your fancy exit out. But I can't watch you leave.

On the other hand, i can't let you stay and prevent other opportunities from growing into something that could make me happy. you've made me happy for years. but you've done a lot of damage in that time too. i want him- he's made me happy so far. and i want it to grow into something that i'm happy with, but i'm not sure if it can or if it will. I really don't. And i don't know how long to wait for him. I waited for you- so shouldn't I wait for him? But I don't want to fall into another endless pit either.

It's hard to choose.

But I'm thinking that you've made the choice for me- someone else got into your head and fucked it up and screwed me over. Not you, me. Messed everything up for ME. You were fine. It was me that lost in the end. So now, I'm going to give him all the time he needs. I'm going to work at this and give him an honest and decent relationship. I'm going to give him my whole heart, one whole, not all these little pieces that you've chopped it into.

I just want to smile again.

When is it going to stop hurting?

Will it ever?

.. and I will always remember you as you are right now today