Fury

The absolute worst feeling that you can make a person feel is that they're not good enough. Not just for a short amount of time, either. For over four years. And now that it has been better explained, I understand. I understand that I was never good enough. Even when you said I was. I wasn't. Even when I've moved on in my life you still find ways to come back and hurt me... you still do. But now I understand why I don't make you happy, why I never did.

It's just so frustrating being second. Being someone's consolation prize. Being the next best because for some reason, the best is out of reach. I'm so done being settled for. It's the kind of thing where all you want is someone who is going to want you for you, just you, not because someone else isn't around or in the picture. It hurts, so much, to be skipped over.

But you know what else? It's all okay. Because you hurt me, because you did this, you've made me into a better person and made me stronger. And I think, that finally, after all has been said and done, it's officially over. I'll always care because you've been there for me in a lot of tight spots, and I appreciate that, I really do, but other than that, we're finished here.

After all that, there's still ways to smile. There's so much to be happy about, so many reasons to show the world that I consider myself lucky. When you find someone else, someone so much better, that you can talk to, really talk to, without judgement. And that someone fills the spaces that had been empty and longing for so long. The simple things, like, seeing their name on your phone, and when it makes you smile, all the hurt from the past, just fades. None of the past matters anymore, because there's someone that's now better than the other ever could be.

Even if there's a possibility that things won't work out in your favor, you know in the back of your mind and in your heart that either way, you still have someone better in your life, as one of the closest friends you've ever had. Of course you hope for the best case scenario, who wouldn't? But either way, I'll still be happy. Happiness comes in different forms. But i'll take whatever I can get.

If you would have told me a few months ago that it was going to come to this, that it was going to be you that saved me, that helped me through everything, I would have said you're insane. I know you've always been here for me, but I've underestimated how much that would mean to me, and how much it's grown into so much more.

Thank you, so much, for being the person that I've needed to help me find the way. For being my friend. For listening to me without judging me, or what I was feeling, like everyone else does. You've been so amazing through all of this and I hope you realize how much having you here to help me has meant. Even if you didn't always agree, you were still there, no matter what else was going on. I hate making this all about me but you really have helped me more than nearly everyone and I just want you to know that I do appreciate everything that you've done for me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a brand new, kick ass CD to listen to. :)