This is just another bump on the road to being happy.
I've decided that I'm not going to cave and throw in the towel because of this. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and a second chance. Because I think that you deserve it. There's going to be a lot that we need to talk about, for sure, but we can work through this.
We can do it. Together we can conquer it. Fix it, make it better.
And be happy.
Together.
<3
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
you failed me...
you like me, you want to be with me, you want that chance to me, you kiss me, you hug me, you wait for me...
but you have a girlfriend?
i'm not sure i understand the emotion i am feeling right now...
but you have a girlfriend?
i'm not sure i understand the emotion i am feeling right now...
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Feel better, Damnit!
So much to talk abouttttt.
So AMSTUD History teacher assigns a "one to two paged essay" due the next morning... on a topic so vague I had no idea where to start. I didn't even know how to answer the darned question. I'm still shaky about what I finally passed in. It was hard getting it done too, as you'll see below, but I surprised even myself and managed to turn out some quality, as you'll see below as well, considering the circumstance.
Last night, work 3:30 to 9:30. With a supervisor who I don't always see eye to eye with necessarily, but that can be worked out and around without all that much of an effort. But, as working the cash register, by myself, I hit my head on the counter. It's really quite simple, I went to throw something in the trash can and hit my head. Killed like you wouldn't believe, and still does. I looked like a total idiot walking around with the heel of my hand up against my head where I'd just hit it. But I was also the ONLY person working the sales floor. By myself. Which in some cases I find quite honorable, seeing as they have enough faith in me to do that. I think it's great, you know. But on the second hand, I've been there a matter of not quite two months now, and how do I feel about working the whole floor alone? I don't like it. And then I asked my supervisor about it, asking if I could have some help or at least a replacement, it was denyed? Whatever....
My head still kills :(
Then I get home, and my dad is LIVID. I can see it in his eyes. He found my away message, which stated "how am i supposed to write a two paged essay while working till 930? hmmm... text me" and so, he saw that i had an essay, that I had not written, at all. flipped out, completely. how he'd take my car and ground me for so long that i'd have to learn how to use a computer again by the time i saw it next. whole nine yards. what pissed him off though is that i had NO idea who had IMed me, simply because they IM'ed my away message... I hadn't actually said anything and knew nothing about it. And he thought I was lying to him. When I really wasn't, you know? I didn't know. It's better now though I think... not quite sure? Hmm.
Due to that, it was a bit of a rough morning. So I left the house a few minutes earlier than I usually do, and treated myself to a much needed and well deserved iced coffee. Yep, I'd drink an iced coffee in 40 degree weather. I didn't really care how cold it was to be honest, it was more for the content. Plus I'm one of those major straw chewers, which I know is horrible, but it just made me feel better. So while drinking my iced coffee and walking up the street with Ashleigh, we were going to stop and say hello to scottt <3 But wait. We can't. Nick's there! Which I downright and completely refuse to be there while Nick is. I can't be around him, I'm done with him, and I'm officially refusing to be under his spell of tortures anymore. Ashleigh feels the same way, although I think she'd actually cause him physical harm if she was close enough. So we just kept walking. Scott was upset by this- and I told him, and he understood. After a little convincing. But hey, it's cool. Got to meet up with him a few times today, which was nice having someone care, ask you how your days going, give you a kiss and say it's going to be okay. And then when your on your way out, telling you to take it easy. In a good way, haha. He's so great- he's that light at the end of the tunnel. I knew there was a reason for all of this and that reason being I came out becoming close to him. It's still early, and I know that. But it's okay. I'm content. <3
So back to the AMSTUD story... I'm out. Officially, tomorrow morning at about 7:30 when I bring in my stack of books to hand into him. And I now get out of school earlier, which isn't a bother to me at all :) it's great. I went into guidance, and my councelor was like, so hows it going? and I just looked at him and broke down into tears. I could see in his face that he was shocked, how many people get this emotional about their classes? I do, anyway. Because I know that this is what's going to shape the rest of my life. Where I go, what I do. Anyway. So I tell him that I'm in Level 4 Amstud, and that I need out. That I'm failing miserably and I'm completely drowning and I just need out. Few clicks on the computer, and he has my schedule up, ready to change it. No questions asked. During that process, he reassured me that it's okay, and that he gives me the upmost credit for trying it out in the first place, and discussed with me what my options are in terms of switching into new classes. He gave me the option on what I wanted, when I wanted it. So I picked to go into College Comp. Mod D, and have US History Mod F. (I chose carefully with my teachers, haha.) G and H off, kind of fabulous I think! It's going to work out really well having that extra bit of time to finish up more work and what not. And afterwards, he asked me about my having mod H off- which I told him I had a special case permission from Mr. Mailhot, (in where the tears start again, which always do when it comes to my brother) and he said it wasn't a problem and worked around it :) I gotta say Mr. Cannon is the greatest- told me not to take it personal, that i'm personally NOT a failure, and that I'm still going to go to college and have a great life. Quote, unquote. I left school feeling optomistic, finally happy again.
So then I get out of school, go down to the tailor's for my dress fitting :D The seamstress is quite amazing, she's this adorable little french woman with a thick accent quite like my grandmothers, so it was sort of comforting in that way, and she knew exactly what i wanted and i can tell already that it's going to come out perfecttt <3 Go into Goodwill, see Skye, get Ashleigh's app, it's allll goood.
It's kind of like... this huge burden has been lifted off of me. I'm not under Nick's wing anymore. He took me in when my own wings were broken. But I'm healed now, ready to break out and fly. And I did that. The other part being burdened down and so stressed out for just about two months on a class that I never foresaw myself being in in the first place. It's great you know. It really is.
I'm.. free.
Feel better, damnit. I have the best friends, on the face of the planet.
So since I'm feeling all happppy, I'm going to give a few shout outs.
IAN! you've been so supportive through everything, you've never judged me like everyone else has, you've been the best. no matter how much you deny that. thank you for everything :)
Ash<3 you know your my best friend, but let me just say that a few more times :) you know just what to say always to make me realize the light in the situation. i couldn't have done this without you.
Kevinnn (: you are, the funniest guy I have ever met, legit, and the fact that you give the BEST hugs EVER only adds to your amazingness. We haven't even been friends that long and already i can't live without you. :)
Taylor~ you've been so open with me and been one of the best people to turn to just to talk, because you don't judge me either. you hardly even know me, but you don't judge me. you're honest. and have sympathy. but you tell me things straight up, no sugar coating, and i need that. thanksss :)
Alrighty, I'm wiped out.
Since i'm out of amstud, i have zero homework for this evening. well i have a bit of french, but i can do that in the morning. isn't that fabulous :)
So AMSTUD History teacher assigns a "one to two paged essay" due the next morning... on a topic so vague I had no idea where to start. I didn't even know how to answer the darned question. I'm still shaky about what I finally passed in. It was hard getting it done too, as you'll see below, but I surprised even myself and managed to turn out some quality, as you'll see below as well, considering the circumstance.
Last night, work 3:30 to 9:30. With a supervisor who I don't always see eye to eye with necessarily, but that can be worked out and around without all that much of an effort. But, as working the cash register, by myself, I hit my head on the counter. It's really quite simple, I went to throw something in the trash can and hit my head. Killed like you wouldn't believe, and still does. I looked like a total idiot walking around with the heel of my hand up against my head where I'd just hit it. But I was also the ONLY person working the sales floor. By myself. Which in some cases I find quite honorable, seeing as they have enough faith in me to do that. I think it's great, you know. But on the second hand, I've been there a matter of not quite two months now, and how do I feel about working the whole floor alone? I don't like it. And then I asked my supervisor about it, asking if I could have some help or at least a replacement, it was denyed? Whatever....
My head still kills :(
Then I get home, and my dad is LIVID. I can see it in his eyes. He found my away message, which stated "how am i supposed to write a two paged essay while working till 930? hmmm... text me" and so, he saw that i had an essay, that I had not written, at all. flipped out, completely. how he'd take my car and ground me for so long that i'd have to learn how to use a computer again by the time i saw it next. whole nine yards. what pissed him off though is that i had NO idea who had IMed me, simply because they IM'ed my away message... I hadn't actually said anything and knew nothing about it. And he thought I was lying to him. When I really wasn't, you know? I didn't know. It's better now though I think... not quite sure? Hmm.
Due to that, it was a bit of a rough morning. So I left the house a few minutes earlier than I usually do, and treated myself to a much needed and well deserved iced coffee. Yep, I'd drink an iced coffee in 40 degree weather. I didn't really care how cold it was to be honest, it was more for the content. Plus I'm one of those major straw chewers, which I know is horrible, but it just made me feel better. So while drinking my iced coffee and walking up the street with Ashleigh, we were going to stop and say hello to scottt <3 But wait. We can't. Nick's there! Which I downright and completely refuse to be there while Nick is. I can't be around him, I'm done with him, and I'm officially refusing to be under his spell of tortures anymore. Ashleigh feels the same way, although I think she'd actually cause him physical harm if she was close enough. So we just kept walking. Scott was upset by this- and I told him, and he understood. After a little convincing. But hey, it's cool. Got to meet up with him a few times today, which was nice having someone care, ask you how your days going, give you a kiss and say it's going to be okay. And then when your on your way out, telling you to take it easy. In a good way, haha. He's so great- he's that light at the end of the tunnel. I knew there was a reason for all of this and that reason being I came out becoming close to him. It's still early, and I know that. But it's okay. I'm content. <3
So back to the AMSTUD story... I'm out. Officially, tomorrow morning at about 7:30 when I bring in my stack of books to hand into him. And I now get out of school earlier, which isn't a bother to me at all :) it's great. I went into guidance, and my councelor was like, so hows it going? and I just looked at him and broke down into tears. I could see in his face that he was shocked, how many people get this emotional about their classes? I do, anyway. Because I know that this is what's going to shape the rest of my life. Where I go, what I do. Anyway. So I tell him that I'm in Level 4 Amstud, and that I need out. That I'm failing miserably and I'm completely drowning and I just need out. Few clicks on the computer, and he has my schedule up, ready to change it. No questions asked. During that process, he reassured me that it's okay, and that he gives me the upmost credit for trying it out in the first place, and discussed with me what my options are in terms of switching into new classes. He gave me the option on what I wanted, when I wanted it. So I picked to go into College Comp. Mod D, and have US History Mod F. (I chose carefully with my teachers, haha.) G and H off, kind of fabulous I think! It's going to work out really well having that extra bit of time to finish up more work and what not. And afterwards, he asked me about my having mod H off- which I told him I had a special case permission from Mr. Mailhot, (in where the tears start again, which always do when it comes to my brother) and he said it wasn't a problem and worked around it :) I gotta say Mr. Cannon is the greatest- told me not to take it personal, that i'm personally NOT a failure, and that I'm still going to go to college and have a great life. Quote, unquote. I left school feeling optomistic, finally happy again.
So then I get out of school, go down to the tailor's for my dress fitting :D The seamstress is quite amazing, she's this adorable little french woman with a thick accent quite like my grandmothers, so it was sort of comforting in that way, and she knew exactly what i wanted and i can tell already that it's going to come out perfecttt <3 Go into Goodwill, see Skye, get Ashleigh's app, it's allll goood.
It's kind of like... this huge burden has been lifted off of me. I'm not under Nick's wing anymore. He took me in when my own wings were broken. But I'm healed now, ready to break out and fly. And I did that. The other part being burdened down and so stressed out for just about two months on a class that I never foresaw myself being in in the first place. It's great you know. It really is.
I'm.. free.
Feel better, damnit. I have the best friends, on the face of the planet.
So since I'm feeling all happppy, I'm going to give a few shout outs.
IAN! you've been so supportive through everything, you've never judged me like everyone else has, you've been the best. no matter how much you deny that. thank you for everything :)
Ash<3 you know your my best friend, but let me just say that a few more times :) you know just what to say always to make me realize the light in the situation. i couldn't have done this without you.
Kevinnn (: you are, the funniest guy I have ever met, legit, and the fact that you give the BEST hugs EVER only adds to your amazingness. We haven't even been friends that long and already i can't live without you. :)
Taylor~ you've been so open with me and been one of the best people to turn to just to talk, because you don't judge me either. you hardly even know me, but you don't judge me. you're honest. and have sympathy. but you tell me things straight up, no sugar coating, and i need that. thanksss :)
Alrighty, I'm wiped out.
Since i'm out of amstud, i have zero homework for this evening. well i have a bit of french, but i can do that in the morning. isn't that fabulous :)
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
It's all coming together
I haven't felt this way in so long. It's so... amazing. It's overjoying. I can't describe how perfect this.
Nothing can bring me down. Not today.
I have to work until nine thirty AND write a two paged essay that i know nothing about for a class that i'm not going to be in much longer.
but nothing can bring me down today :D
I think I need to write one. last. note. to get my point across, and finish this up for good. This is an all time low, even for you. But it'll be done and finished with.
Alrighty, I'm going to figure out what the heck I'm doing for this essay that i know nothing about for a class that i'm not going to be in much longer XD
two hometown hearts, up against the world.
you. are. a.ma.zing.<3
Nothing can bring me down. Not today.
I have to work until nine thirty AND write a two paged essay that i know nothing about for a class that i'm not going to be in much longer.
but nothing can bring me down today :D
I think I need to write one. last. note. to get my point across, and finish this up for good. This is an all time low, even for you. But it'll be done and finished with.
Alrighty, I'm going to figure out what the heck I'm doing for this essay that i know nothing about for a class that i'm not going to be in much longer XD
two hometown hearts, up against the world.
you. are. a.ma.zing.<3
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Leaving now, forever looking back
So after getting two tests back today, one passing by three points, the other failing with a 43%, I have formally decided that American Studies is by no means where I am supposed to be. I have put forth every single ounce of effort I have into that class, and I keep failing. I'm throwing in the towel, I want out. I can't keep putting myself through this. I'm done. Goodbye. I will switch around whatever I need to switch around to get out. So here is how my schedule is *probably* going to be looking now...Math A, Myth B and college comp C second semester, then USH mod d, french e, Then I'll take chem F and G. that could work.
Yeah, I think that'll work out quite nicely for me. I'll keep mod b off the rest of this semester, then fill it next. I mean, obviously I can't have Silveira for USH, that's completely defeating the purpose.
I actually talked to my mom about this, and for once she is backing me up. She's on my side. She supports that I need to get out of this class and salvage myself for college and for my own sanity, of course. She's willing to sign whatever she needs to to get me out of this hell.
For a few minutes I thought of this as depressing, as quitting. But it's really not. I gave it everything I had and it just wasn't enough. So I see it as, valuing myself enough to know when to call it quits.
Other than the whole amstud fiasco, today was amazing. <3 Couldn't have asked for better.
My mom even said that she'd let me go to prom if it was with someone "decent that she could trust to come pick me up." Wowww. We've reached a huge milestone.
I'm starting to love my life again.
Yeah, I think that'll work out quite nicely for me. I'll keep mod b off the rest of this semester, then fill it next. I mean, obviously I can't have Silveira for USH, that's completely defeating the purpose.
I actually talked to my mom about this, and for once she is backing me up. She's on my side. She supports that I need to get out of this class and salvage myself for college and for my own sanity, of course. She's willing to sign whatever she needs to to get me out of this hell.
For a few minutes I thought of this as depressing, as quitting. But it's really not. I gave it everything I had and it just wasn't enough. So I see it as, valuing myself enough to know when to call it quits.
Other than the whole amstud fiasco, today was amazing. <3 Couldn't have asked for better.
My mom even said that she'd let me go to prom if it was with someone "decent that she could trust to come pick me up." Wowww. We've reached a huge milestone.
I'm starting to love my life again.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Failing Beautifully, I lost count of the days....
I finally know what I want. I really do. And that in itself is amazing, and then now I can put everything else behind me and just reach for the stars and hope for the best. <3
I'm really not in a talkative mood, why I'm not so sure to be honest, I think just finally realizing what the best thing for me would be and realizing that I can go for it shoved all the other stupid shit out of my head.
It's a great feeling.
I'm really not in a talkative mood, why I'm not so sure to be honest, I think just finally realizing what the best thing for me would be and realizing that I can go for it shoved all the other stupid shit out of my head.
It's a great feeling.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
inside i hope you know i'm dying...
... with my heart beside me, in shattered pieces that may never be replaced. and if i died right now, you'd never be the same...
So what a weekend it has been. Friday nights out are the best :) Had such a good time getting away from everything, kicking back, eating chocolate and watching a chick flick with one of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Saturday, work, eh, whatever right? But hey! My supervisior is AMAZZINGG, let me go home earrrly! I love rainy saturdays. And then today, not horrible either. had my fair share of laughs, because i love amelia and skyeeeee.
But what's going on right now though, is what's entirely different. We're finally talking, deciding what exactly went wrong. But do we want to fix it? I'm not sure. Is there anything worth saving? There used to be. But is there now? Like I said, I don't know. it's hard to grasp the fact that if it was me that's always been that special one then how could I have been dumped three times in a span of four months? You've done it again- you've crawled into the very depths of my soul and attached yourself so that I can't get along without you. And you want out of my life and you've kicked up a hell of a lot of dust on your fancy exit out. But I can't watch you leave.
On the other hand, i can't let you stay and prevent other opportunities from growing into something that could make me happy. you've made me happy for years. but you've done a lot of damage in that time too. i want him- he's made me happy so far. and i want it to grow into something that i'm happy with, but i'm not sure if it can or if it will. I really don't. And i don't know how long to wait for him. I waited for you- so shouldn't I wait for him? But I don't want to fall into another endless pit either.
It's hard to choose.
But I'm thinking that you've made the choice for me- someone else got into your head and fucked it up and screwed me over. Not you, me. Messed everything up for ME. You were fine. It was me that lost in the end. So now, I'm going to give him all the time he needs. I'm going to work at this and give him an honest and decent relationship. I'm going to give him my whole heart, one whole, not all these little pieces that you've chopped it into.
I just want to smile again.
When is it going to stop hurting?
Will it ever?
.. and I will always remember you as you are right now today
So what a weekend it has been. Friday nights out are the best :) Had such a good time getting away from everything, kicking back, eating chocolate and watching a chick flick with one of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Saturday, work, eh, whatever right? But hey! My supervisior is AMAZZINGG, let me go home earrrly! I love rainy saturdays. And then today, not horrible either. had my fair share of laughs, because i love amelia and skyeeeee.
But what's going on right now though, is what's entirely different. We're finally talking, deciding what exactly went wrong. But do we want to fix it? I'm not sure. Is there anything worth saving? There used to be. But is there now? Like I said, I don't know. it's hard to grasp the fact that if it was me that's always been that special one then how could I have been dumped three times in a span of four months? You've done it again- you've crawled into the very depths of my soul and attached yourself so that I can't get along without you. And you want out of my life and you've kicked up a hell of a lot of dust on your fancy exit out. But I can't watch you leave.
On the other hand, i can't let you stay and prevent other opportunities from growing into something that could make me happy. you've made me happy for years. but you've done a lot of damage in that time too. i want him- he's made me happy so far. and i want it to grow into something that i'm happy with, but i'm not sure if it can or if it will. I really don't. And i don't know how long to wait for him. I waited for you- so shouldn't I wait for him? But I don't want to fall into another endless pit either.
It's hard to choose.
But I'm thinking that you've made the choice for me- someone else got into your head and fucked it up and screwed me over. Not you, me. Messed everything up for ME. You were fine. It was me that lost in the end. So now, I'm going to give him all the time he needs. I'm going to work at this and give him an honest and decent relationship. I'm going to give him my whole heart, one whole, not all these little pieces that you've chopped it into.
I just want to smile again.
When is it going to stop hurting?
Will it ever?
.. and I will always remember you as you are right now today
Saturday, October 24, 2009
failing beautifully- day 3
The fact of the matter is, is not that I didn't know. Because I did. It's just the fact that the way it was said... really hurts. Just the reason that I couldn't be viewed as someone with potential simply because of who I'm friends with.. that's what hurt. And that's all I'm going to say because I refuse to keep dwelling on this because it's not really all that significant because LIKE YOU, I posted my EMOTIONS, which I let get the best of me. I am happy with the direction you chose. I am okay with it. (too freaking bad if i'm not, right? =P) I'm happy that you're finally starting to turn things around and be happy again. I just had a moment of... how do I say this, being thrown down on the floor and wanting to cry just because it hurt? Ehh, I can't explain this right at all. But it was momentary, and I'm sorry if I... was misleading in thinking that I'm more angry than I am.
Can I say that Time Travellers Wife is one of the best movies i've ever seen in my entire life? So good. Real tear jerker too damnit, looks like I'm going to have to research my movie choices before I go see them.
So now I am left with two options. (Simply OPTIONS) i could either go back to him and try to fix things, knowing that I have been happy there before and maybe could again. But also knowing that I've been hurt there too. Or I could stick with trying to start things off with someone new, and lose someone who's been a huge part of my life for years. But if I go back into old ways so to speak, I'll lose the opportunity to start something new. I can't lose either one of them. I can't choose to leave one. I need them both in my life in one way or another. It's just difficult.
What I have finally decided to do, though, is stick with trying something new. I've been hurt too many times to go back there. We still have things that need to be tied up, loose ends connected, so on and so forth, and when that is finished, so will this entire thing. And hope that he will still be behind me and support me as my friend. I know it'll take awhile to get there. But I'm optimistic that he'll miss my friendship like I miss his.
It's gonna be alright, no matter what they say. It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see.
Two hometown hearts, up against the world.
Can I say that Time Travellers Wife is one of the best movies i've ever seen in my entire life? So good. Real tear jerker too damnit, looks like I'm going to have to research my movie choices before I go see them.
So now I am left with two options. (Simply OPTIONS) i could either go back to him and try to fix things, knowing that I have been happy there before and maybe could again. But also knowing that I've been hurt there too. Or I could stick with trying to start things off with someone new, and lose someone who's been a huge part of my life for years. But if I go back into old ways so to speak, I'll lose the opportunity to start something new. I can't lose either one of them. I can't choose to leave one. I need them both in my life in one way or another. It's just difficult.
What I have finally decided to do, though, is stick with trying something new. I've been hurt too many times to go back there. We still have things that need to be tied up, loose ends connected, so on and so forth, and when that is finished, so will this entire thing. And hope that he will still be behind me and support me as my friend. I know it'll take awhile to get there. But I'm optimistic that he'll miss my friendship like I miss his.
It's gonna be alright, no matter what they say. It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see.
Two hometown hearts, up against the world.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Still Failing, Beautifully. Day 2, Part 2.
Doesn't the title say enough?
No matter what, the world will always be pointing its finger in my face saying NO WAY AMY! THERE IS NO WAY WE CAN LET YOU BE HAPPY TODAY!
Nothing will work out. We need to talk. Clear everything up. Tie up all the loose ends.
Finish this.
"I don't want you to wait for me. I won't be coming back."
--time travellers wife
No matter what, the world will always be pointing its finger in my face saying NO WAY AMY! THERE IS NO WAY WE CAN LET YOU BE HAPPY TODAY!
Nothing will work out. We need to talk. Clear everything up. Tie up all the loose ends.
Finish this.
"I don't want you to wait for me. I won't be coming back."
--time travellers wife
failing beautifully- day 2.
Words kill.
That has got to be one of the worst things that someone has said to me. You should have just said it to my face. As if I didn't already know anyway. Might as well just start putting names so that everyone else can know too. Oh wait! You made it obvious. so everyone DOES know. But whatever. Your one of the people who I opened up to and let everything out, even things that I rarely ever tell, I told. And you took it and ran with it. And I'm sure you very well know that I was going to react this way. I can't even DESCRIBE the words running through my head right now.. the way to form a sentence that describes what I feel at this very moment, its kinda like someone is pinching off veins in and out of my heart so that the blood can't get back to it so it's aching, and everything else is too. Because when you mess with the heart, you mess with everything else. You know, simple human anatomy and everything.
Today has been one of the worst days I have ever faced in my entire life. I watched my ex dump my best friend... because of me. This is all. my. fault. And, I don't want to hear that it's not, because it very much so is. I watched history repeat itself... saying the exact words that I heard, the exact same way..
It was like slicing that wound open again, when it hasn't even fully healed.
And then you poured gasoline into it and lit it on fire! Congrats.
But don't worry. It's all good.
I'm done here. I'm done talking.
Cue the tears now... oh wait, they're already here.
Two hometown hearts, up against the world.
That has got to be one of the worst things that someone has said to me. You should have just said it to my face. As if I didn't already know anyway. Might as well just start putting names so that everyone else can know too. Oh wait! You made it obvious. so everyone DOES know. But whatever. Your one of the people who I opened up to and let everything out, even things that I rarely ever tell, I told. And you took it and ran with it. And I'm sure you very well know that I was going to react this way. I can't even DESCRIBE the words running through my head right now.. the way to form a sentence that describes what I feel at this very moment, its kinda like someone is pinching off veins in and out of my heart so that the blood can't get back to it so it's aching, and everything else is too. Because when you mess with the heart, you mess with everything else. You know, simple human anatomy and everything.
Today has been one of the worst days I have ever faced in my entire life. I watched my ex dump my best friend... because of me. This is all. my. fault. And, I don't want to hear that it's not, because it very much so is. I watched history repeat itself... saying the exact words that I heard, the exact same way..
It was like slicing that wound open again, when it hasn't even fully healed.
And then you poured gasoline into it and lit it on fire! Congrats.
But don't worry. It's all good.
I'm done here. I'm done talking.
Cue the tears now... oh wait, they're already here.
Two hometown hearts, up against the world.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
failing beautifully. day 1.
Breathe In. Breathe Out. Put one foot in front of the other, take one day at a time. Till you find that someone you can't live without. And until then, oh I'll breathe in, and breathe out.
It's amazing how in such a short period of time someone can become so close to you and you already dream about what the future might hold, for you both, together. But what's a whole lot worse is feeling like it won't get off the ground. When you've felt this hurt for so long, that the pain just rips right through you, tears you into shreds, inside your dying, the empty gaps and spaces longing for something to fill them. And then you find someone who somehow, brings the shine back in the smile, the sparkles back in your eyes. That instant surge of happiness, those empty spaces filled contently. On top of the world, untouchable.
And someone else rips that out, right from under you. That person, that guy that makes you feel so good about yourself, likes you too. A lot. The words came from his own mouth. But someone has to be in the way. And prevent you from being happy. The reasons for it, unknown. Sort of.
Why won't you let me be happy?
Two hometown hearts, up against the world.
It's amazing how in such a short period of time someone can become so close to you and you already dream about what the future might hold, for you both, together. But what's a whole lot worse is feeling like it won't get off the ground. When you've felt this hurt for so long, that the pain just rips right through you, tears you into shreds, inside your dying, the empty gaps and spaces longing for something to fill them. And then you find someone who somehow, brings the shine back in the smile, the sparkles back in your eyes. That instant surge of happiness, those empty spaces filled contently. On top of the world, untouchable.
And someone else rips that out, right from under you. That person, that guy that makes you feel so good about yourself, likes you too. A lot. The words came from his own mouth. But someone has to be in the way. And prevent you from being happy. The reasons for it, unknown. Sort of.
Why won't you let me be happy?
Two hometown hearts, up against the world.
TAYLOR!
Taylor,
If you happen to read this, I got your message and I have a reply allll ready to go! Just facebook currently hates me! Stay tunedddd.
Amy
If you happen to read this, I got your message and I have a reply allll ready to go! Just facebook currently hates me! Stay tunedddd.
Amy
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
It's All Over
I'm going to keep this relatively short, due to the fact that I don't have a lot of time, and my emotions are completely ruling everything right now...
I see now that it's not me. This can be applied to two people, one of whom will read this and will know right away, the other whom will not and will have to be told about it by someone else. Both cases are the same. It's been me vs. someone else, and I lost. Straight up, I lost. I see it. I hear it. It's over.
Alrighty, the big kids have to get to work today.
Peace.
I see now that it's not me. This can be applied to two people, one of whom will read this and will know right away, the other whom will not and will have to be told about it by someone else. Both cases are the same. It's been me vs. someone else, and I lost. Straight up, I lost. I see it. I hear it. It's over.
Alrighty, the big kids have to get to work today.
Peace.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
In Memoriam.
It's all coming out now.
Do you remember those days? The days where I thought I was never near good enough, because I wasn't? You made me feel like, to be cliche, a million bucks. I was untouchable. Completely devoted to you, and to what we had. Things had gone so well, for almost a year. Absolutely fantastic. I coud have never asked for anything better. Summer was hard, but I heard from you so often that it wasn't like anything changed. But then...
It stopped. Everything stopped. My world ended, my heart broke. Not a clean break, either, it was the kind where the shreds are everywhere. Fragments, shattered pieces, all over the place. It was so hard to look at myself in the mirror. I didn't like what I saw. Who I was. None of it made sense anymore. This pain I was feeling was so unbearable that I shut down completely.
Then that boyfriend of mine came by and fixed it. Sort of. He made me whole again, in some ways. I was appreciated, loved, and well taken care of. I was showered with affection and I was just at the peak of being happy.
And then that wall came crashing down. Over 8 months had passed since you destroyed every last piece of me. You come back into my life expecting everything to work itself out, that we could fix things and be friends. I wanted to, but it hurt still. Hurt. Common word. Such a big meaning that I never quite understood until then.
So eventually we did fix things. We made things better. I finished 8th grade, got dumped by that boyfriend of mine, and you were there to pick up my pieces and help me heal. You were always there for me. Things didn't work out with us. But you knew how I felt. Even if I couldn't always show it.
Freshman year had come and gone. I'll never forgive myself for some of the things I'd said to you that year. Most of it uncalled for, not right, and not me. My heart's defense is poor to say the least, and I wanted to keep you out. Forever. But no matter what I tried you could always squeam your way in and attach yourself to the very depths of my soul, so that I'd never be quite complete without you.
Sophomore year was irreplacable. I watched you love someone else while you loved me at the same time. There were days that I begged, that I pleaded you, to do what was right. But you didn't. I'd never fought so hard for anything in my entire life. Because just like 7th grade, I was once again attached to you, from the inside out. I needed you. Like water. Like breath, like rain. You were the only thing in my world that meant a damn to me. Everything else was optional. Through all my struggles, you were there to lend a hand. No matter what, I was supported in so many ways by you. After all this time, you were still everything that I could have ever pictured myself wanting. Even though I watched you bounce from me, to her, back to me, back to her. She'd break your heart and then take you back. You sliced me open by fitting me in between. But I didn't care. I had you. Finally. It didn't matter.
Then summer came. Best summer I've had in my entire life. I had some of the best days of my life that summer. I'll never forget any of it. Because of you my 16th birthday was the best one I ever had. That won't change.
But everything else did. Almost a month had gone by since then. And you wanted out. That's exactly what you did. You left again. You promised me so many times that you were never going to leave me hurting like I did all those years ago. You didn't want to fight for it, for me, for us. You wanted to leave.
You left me. Alone, cold, and hurting.
So now, after all we've been through, this is what it's come down to. I always knew there'd be a day that you'd move on and find someone else, and that's okay. But there's still a lot of unresolved hurt that needs fixing. I can do it on my own. It's just difficult. I'm glad that your happy. I am, I really am. And I can honestly say that I've found someone who makes me happy. It's still early, but he makes me smile. I haven't known him long. But it's leaving me with so many opportunites to grow and expand and be myself. You're happy with her, and you make her happy, and I could never, ever protest to that. And i'm not, by any means. It's still hard sometimes, but it's what's best.
It's all scripted, you know. Life. Amy: Introduce boy to girl. exit stage right. so that's what i'm doing. taking myself out. This was my scripted role in your life- to make you happy. And I failed at that. But i followed through and made you happy- by bringing you to someone who could.
I'm not going to say "its been a fun run" because it hasn't been. But there are a few points in this tunnel where the sunlight was let in. I soaked it up while I could. The sun is gone now, hiding behind the clouds.
And now I'll watch as it's her you kiss her in the rain.
Do you remember those days? The days where I thought I was never near good enough, because I wasn't? You made me feel like, to be cliche, a million bucks. I was untouchable. Completely devoted to you, and to what we had. Things had gone so well, for almost a year. Absolutely fantastic. I coud have never asked for anything better. Summer was hard, but I heard from you so often that it wasn't like anything changed. But then...
It stopped. Everything stopped. My world ended, my heart broke. Not a clean break, either, it was the kind where the shreds are everywhere. Fragments, shattered pieces, all over the place. It was so hard to look at myself in the mirror. I didn't like what I saw. Who I was. None of it made sense anymore. This pain I was feeling was so unbearable that I shut down completely.
Then that boyfriend of mine came by and fixed it. Sort of. He made me whole again, in some ways. I was appreciated, loved, and well taken care of. I was showered with affection and I was just at the peak of being happy.
And then that wall came crashing down. Over 8 months had passed since you destroyed every last piece of me. You come back into my life expecting everything to work itself out, that we could fix things and be friends. I wanted to, but it hurt still. Hurt. Common word. Such a big meaning that I never quite understood until then.
So eventually we did fix things. We made things better. I finished 8th grade, got dumped by that boyfriend of mine, and you were there to pick up my pieces and help me heal. You were always there for me. Things didn't work out with us. But you knew how I felt. Even if I couldn't always show it.
Freshman year had come and gone. I'll never forgive myself for some of the things I'd said to you that year. Most of it uncalled for, not right, and not me. My heart's defense is poor to say the least, and I wanted to keep you out. Forever. But no matter what I tried you could always squeam your way in and attach yourself to the very depths of my soul, so that I'd never be quite complete without you.
Sophomore year was irreplacable. I watched you love someone else while you loved me at the same time. There were days that I begged, that I pleaded you, to do what was right. But you didn't. I'd never fought so hard for anything in my entire life. Because just like 7th grade, I was once again attached to you, from the inside out. I needed you. Like water. Like breath, like rain. You were the only thing in my world that meant a damn to me. Everything else was optional. Through all my struggles, you were there to lend a hand. No matter what, I was supported in so many ways by you. After all this time, you were still everything that I could have ever pictured myself wanting. Even though I watched you bounce from me, to her, back to me, back to her. She'd break your heart and then take you back. You sliced me open by fitting me in between. But I didn't care. I had you. Finally. It didn't matter.
Then summer came. Best summer I've had in my entire life. I had some of the best days of my life that summer. I'll never forget any of it. Because of you my 16th birthday was the best one I ever had. That won't change.
But everything else did. Almost a month had gone by since then. And you wanted out. That's exactly what you did. You left again. You promised me so many times that you were never going to leave me hurting like I did all those years ago. You didn't want to fight for it, for me, for us. You wanted to leave.
You left me. Alone, cold, and hurting.
So now, after all we've been through, this is what it's come down to. I always knew there'd be a day that you'd move on and find someone else, and that's okay. But there's still a lot of unresolved hurt that needs fixing. I can do it on my own. It's just difficult. I'm glad that your happy. I am, I really am. And I can honestly say that I've found someone who makes me happy. It's still early, but he makes me smile. I haven't known him long. But it's leaving me with so many opportunites to grow and expand and be myself. You're happy with her, and you make her happy, and I could never, ever protest to that. And i'm not, by any means. It's still hard sometimes, but it's what's best.
It's all scripted, you know. Life. Amy: Introduce boy to girl. exit stage right. so that's what i'm doing. taking myself out. This was my scripted role in your life- to make you happy. And I failed at that. But i followed through and made you happy- by bringing you to someone who could.
I'm not going to say "its been a fun run" because it hasn't been. But there are a few points in this tunnel where the sunlight was let in. I soaked it up while I could. The sun is gone now, hiding behind the clouds.
And now I'll watch as it's her you kiss her in the rain.
So. Another day. Completely wasted and ruined. By you.
You know what? I'm at the point where I don't care what you think of this. Me and him aren't "serious" and I honestly can't tell you if it's going to come to that. Maybe. I don't know. But if you're upset if and when it does, you're as much of a hypocrite as the other person. He has a good heart. Which you wouldn't understand, because I'm not sure if you have one. I'm sure you told him that there was someone else in my life. Which is kind of true. But he didn't need to know that because it's not anything substantial at this point and never really has been so I didn't see the need to run out and tell him after the first few seconds. So I had to sound overly emotional and pour my heart out to this guy just to get him to think that I'm not using him. Sure he's strong, but I think that you hurt him just as much as you hurt me. You made him think I was just hanging out with him to piss you off? That's bull. You know me, you read eyes evidentally, so look in mine and read them. See that I actually do care about him. I know it hasn't been long. But I do. And if you are going to say that I can't because I haven't known him long enough, exactly how long have you known your current significant other? Yeah, that's what I thought. I don't care what you think, I will stand beside him as much as I want to. I will sit in his truck every morning if I want to. I'll walk to class with him and give him a hug if I want to. It's none of your business. You had your chance and then you dropped it to move in on someone else.
Can I just say that being ditched for a guy really hurts? And you want to know why she won't talk to you anymore at all, unless you break things off with him? I'm starting to understand her point of view. I'm beginning to understand why. I don't ENTIRELY agree with it, because I said I would stand by you. And I am. It's just becoming more increasingly difficult as the days progress.
I've never had a teacher mock me like that. Sure, it's a level 4, and I'm supposed to use proper english. But the directions were, don't lift your pencil off the paper. "But what if you write something stupid?" The response, "Then you write something stupid." So that is what I did. Just wrote down what flowed into my head at that particular moment, and for the assignment at hand I have to say it was pretty deep. Sure, "more dead" wasn't gramatically correct but I was more focused on the next thing I wanted to say. But to have a teacher read it aloud, fine. whatever. If she was a decent teacher, she would have read the words as meaningful, and read what I was saying about myself in that brainstorm piece. How the inside is dead, and that no one cares about that part. That it's unattractive and no one wants to care about it. But noooo. Don't see that I'm hurting and expressing it through my writing. Read this. Then you can mock my writing all you want. but then to walk around the room saying "My right side is more dead than my left" and walk around the room with a severe fake limp and cradling her arm is ridiculous. I wanted to cry. I've never been that humiliated in such a short amount of time.
Well, I'm officially cringing and writhing in pain. Two days on a cement floor can do that to you I suppose when you already have issues in the first place. Tylenol isn't really cutting it for me anymore =\ Maybe it's time to get a doctor in on this.
You know what? I'm at the point where I don't care what you think of this. Me and him aren't "serious" and I honestly can't tell you if it's going to come to that. Maybe. I don't know. But if you're upset if and when it does, you're as much of a hypocrite as the other person. He has a good heart. Which you wouldn't understand, because I'm not sure if you have one. I'm sure you told him that there was someone else in my life. Which is kind of true. But he didn't need to know that because it's not anything substantial at this point and never really has been so I didn't see the need to run out and tell him after the first few seconds. So I had to sound overly emotional and pour my heart out to this guy just to get him to think that I'm not using him. Sure he's strong, but I think that you hurt him just as much as you hurt me. You made him think I was just hanging out with him to piss you off? That's bull. You know me, you read eyes evidentally, so look in mine and read them. See that I actually do care about him. I know it hasn't been long. But I do. And if you are going to say that I can't because I haven't known him long enough, exactly how long have you known your current significant other? Yeah, that's what I thought. I don't care what you think, I will stand beside him as much as I want to. I will sit in his truck every morning if I want to. I'll walk to class with him and give him a hug if I want to. It's none of your business. You had your chance and then you dropped it to move in on someone else.
Can I just say that being ditched for a guy really hurts? And you want to know why she won't talk to you anymore at all, unless you break things off with him? I'm starting to understand her point of view. I'm beginning to understand why. I don't ENTIRELY agree with it, because I said I would stand by you. And I am. It's just becoming more increasingly difficult as the days progress.
I've never had a teacher mock me like that. Sure, it's a level 4, and I'm supposed to use proper english. But the directions were, don't lift your pencil off the paper. "But what if you write something stupid?" The response, "Then you write something stupid." So that is what I did. Just wrote down what flowed into my head at that particular moment, and for the assignment at hand I have to say it was pretty deep. Sure, "more dead" wasn't gramatically correct but I was more focused on the next thing I wanted to say. But to have a teacher read it aloud, fine. whatever. If she was a decent teacher, she would have read the words as meaningful, and read what I was saying about myself in that brainstorm piece. How the inside is dead, and that no one cares about that part. That it's unattractive and no one wants to care about it. But noooo. Don't see that I'm hurting and expressing it through my writing. Read this. Then you can mock my writing all you want. but then to walk around the room saying "My right side is more dead than my left" and walk around the room with a severe fake limp and cradling her arm is ridiculous. I wanted to cry. I've never been that humiliated in such a short amount of time.
Well, I'm officially cringing and writhing in pain. Two days on a cement floor can do that to you I suppose when you already have issues in the first place. Tylenol isn't really cutting it for me anymore =\ Maybe it's time to get a doctor in on this.
Monday, October 19, 2009
i hate things that may or may not be about you and that it all fits as if it could be you, and you don't want to make it sound like it is in case its not, but if it is you want to fix it.
its messed up.
i don't really feel like talking today. being near people frustrates me. all people. including myself.
i seriously need to get away.
well, this is my shortest blog to date.
i'm so outta here.
its messed up.
i don't really feel like talking today. being near people frustrates me. all people. including myself.
i seriously need to get away.
well, this is my shortest blog to date.
i'm so outta here.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Edits.
After a lot of consideration.... Edits. Yeah, plural.
I can't say that I'm going to run out and try and find better, because I'm not by any means. But, I'm not going to say that i can sit around and wait for something that may or may not happen. and unfortunately for me, it has nothing to do with you. it has to do with someone else *cough* (don't think i need to say who) who twisted things around for almost five years and i just sat there patiently and missed out on so many great things. i'm not trying to compare you to him at all and i hope this doesn't seem like it, because thats not the intent at all. but because of that a lot of things in my life aren't explainable and a lot of the things i want to say, i can't. there were so many things that i told him about my life that no one else knows and i thought that that would bring things to a better place; and as it as of friday night now clear, that didn't at all happen.
i feel like you're the type of person who would want me to open up and explain how i'm feeling and talk about... said things of the past that have made my life into what it is. and thats not a bad thing, believe me it's really not. just, there's so much behind the scenes that you don't know. it's nothing against you, honestly its not, there are a lot of people, like, 99%, who don't. but he was like that. he made me say every single thing that was on my mind. that i was feeling. that made me happy, sad, depressed, excited, anxious, nervous, anything. i had no space in my mind to call my own. and because of that, i have such a hard time opening myself up to explain how things are. (i really hope this doesn't sound wrong, i'm just trying to explain without.. getting into too much detail.)
i know that the first day we started talking, not just like little things but seriously talking, i told you the story on how depressed i used to be. and what that caused and what that did and how it's taken so long to fix it. it's still not entirely fixed to be completely honest and i'm not really sure that it ever will be. i don't want to give you someone who's emotionally in knots because of the past because you don't need to deal with that. you don't deserve that. you deserve the best. i just don't know if that person is me.
Blah, I just want you to be HAPPY.
Not tied down from someone who's family has been so messed up for the past 9 years because my uncle died and my aunt sued my grandfather's company and took my entire family to the cleaners. Whoops, guess I just told you part of it now didn't I.
There are so many little things, besides the pain that i've been through with.. him. That's just a part of it.
I don't want to complicate your life.
I just want what's best for you.
And I want to be happy. After all these years of wondering when things were going to get better.
I can't say that I'm going to run out and try and find better, because I'm not by any means. But, I'm not going to say that i can sit around and wait for something that may or may not happen. and unfortunately for me, it has nothing to do with you. it has to do with someone else *cough* (don't think i need to say who) who twisted things around for almost five years and i just sat there patiently and missed out on so many great things. i'm not trying to compare you to him at all and i hope this doesn't seem like it, because thats not the intent at all. but because of that a lot of things in my life aren't explainable and a lot of the things i want to say, i can't. there were so many things that i told him about my life that no one else knows and i thought that that would bring things to a better place; and as it as of friday night now clear, that didn't at all happen.
i feel like you're the type of person who would want me to open up and explain how i'm feeling and talk about... said things of the past that have made my life into what it is. and thats not a bad thing, believe me it's really not. just, there's so much behind the scenes that you don't know. it's nothing against you, honestly its not, there are a lot of people, like, 99%, who don't. but he was like that. he made me say every single thing that was on my mind. that i was feeling. that made me happy, sad, depressed, excited, anxious, nervous, anything. i had no space in my mind to call my own. and because of that, i have such a hard time opening myself up to explain how things are. (i really hope this doesn't sound wrong, i'm just trying to explain without.. getting into too much detail.)
i know that the first day we started talking, not just like little things but seriously talking, i told you the story on how depressed i used to be. and what that caused and what that did and how it's taken so long to fix it. it's still not entirely fixed to be completely honest and i'm not really sure that it ever will be. i don't want to give you someone who's emotionally in knots because of the past because you don't need to deal with that. you don't deserve that. you deserve the best. i just don't know if that person is me.
Blah, I just want you to be HAPPY.
Not tied down from someone who's family has been so messed up for the past 9 years because my uncle died and my aunt sued my grandfather's company and took my entire family to the cleaners. Whoops, guess I just told you part of it now didn't I.
There are so many little things, besides the pain that i've been through with.. him. That's just a part of it.
I don't want to complicate your life.
I just want what's best for you.
And I want to be happy. After all these years of wondering when things were going to get better.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Response
Okayyy. Here we go. Since there really isn't anything to discuss, I'm just going to respond in third person as I always do :)
I can't speak for her. But I can speak for me in saying that it's completely okay, and that I understand. I'm not broken, I'm not hurting. You've done more for me than most have and I take that to heart. You'll always be in my life and you'll always be important to me one way or another and whatever direction that may take is okay with me. I've been lucky enough to be your friend for however long it is that you've been putting up with me now. Things take time for everyone, not just you. No matter what direction its going in- towards me, towards her, towards someone else that I may not know, or maybe towards no one at all. It all takes time. And it's okay. I said this the other day on the phone for the millionth time, and now it's millionth and one- you need to do whats best for you, and know that I will always support you no matter what happens. You're one of the people who can make me smile. And that's all I'm looking for. People who can make me smile. That's all I need, that's all I want. Everything else is simply extra.
So all in all, have to say it was a pretty decent day at Goodwill for Amy. Iced coffee buzzes are AMAZING, and having the entire store be silent for two hours makes time go by a lot faster too.
Alrighty, I've done enough blogging over the past few days that I'm set for today.
:)
I can't speak for her. But I can speak for me in saying that it's completely okay, and that I understand. I'm not broken, I'm not hurting. You've done more for me than most have and I take that to heart. You'll always be in my life and you'll always be important to me one way or another and whatever direction that may take is okay with me. I've been lucky enough to be your friend for however long it is that you've been putting up with me now. Things take time for everyone, not just you. No matter what direction its going in- towards me, towards her, towards someone else that I may not know, or maybe towards no one at all. It all takes time. And it's okay. I said this the other day on the phone for the millionth time, and now it's millionth and one- you need to do whats best for you, and know that I will always support you no matter what happens. You're one of the people who can make me smile. And that's all I'm looking for. People who can make me smile. That's all I need, that's all I want. Everything else is simply extra.
So all in all, have to say it was a pretty decent day at Goodwill for Amy. Iced coffee buzzes are AMAZING, and having the entire store be silent for two hours makes time go by a lot faster too.
Alrighty, I've done enough blogging over the past few days that I'm set for today.
:)
Friday, October 16, 2009
Gah, 3rd Post in one night.
It's official.
And I found out via facebook.
For someone who is supposed to care about me so much, you didn't even tell me.
How important does that make me?
It's official...
But didn't I deserve to know?
And I found out via facebook.
For someone who is supposed to care about me so much, you didn't even tell me.
How important does that make me?
It's official...
But didn't I deserve to know?
Catching Up
So with everything that's been going on, between work, schoolwork, friends, drama, family, more work, more drama, etc etc, it's been so exhausting that I legitimately just crashed on the couch for a solid 45 minutes. It's 6:00 on a Friday night, and I just crashed. HOW! and on another note, wtf is wrong with me for crashing like that? i don't usually crash.
it's all beginning to catch up with me i guess.
i'm going back to sleep.
it's all beginning to catch up with me i guess.
i'm going back to sleep.
Ups and downs, here we go again. Same old story, never ends.
I'm really not sure what words can describe how I'm feeling right now. If there are any to describe it myself. I just don't think it's possible at this point. I don't even know. It's not quite misery, it's not quite depression. I think what I'm feeling is emotionless. Kind of numb, even.
The day started off so well! The snow. First snow. First light, new beginning.
Or not, whichever you prefer.
So I'm going to go through it all, point by point. Read it, or don't. I don't care.
First off, I'm so.. concerned. For her. I sat there today and watched her eyes. Everyone's eyes are expressive. Hers even more than most. I watched her look into his eyes when she thought no one else was paying attention. And that look that I saw in her eyes, I couldn't believe. She doesn't just like him. She fell for him. Hard. I don't particularly BLAME her, she can't help it. But just the look in her eyes, I don't know, it killed me. It really did. And I don't understand why. I've seen so many different things in people's eyes. I've watched someones eyes watch mine with love. I've watched someones eyes burn me with hate. I've watched someones eyes look expressionless, not caring at all. The last one hurt a lot, too, not going to kid you here. But that look, I just can't get the vision of it out of my head. At all. I'm trying. I am. But I can't get rid of it...
And then him! But WHY. Of course I have to run into you in the hallway when your pissed at me. Of course I do. Isn't that the way it always goes? Yes, Amy, yes it does. You think that I don't listen to you? That I don't know exactly what you think about this? I do. I remember every single thing you've told me, I haven't forgotten. And I do appreciate you looking out for me, but legit man, the fact that you got SO pissed off about it down right infuriates me. Down. Right. Infuriating. I'm not a slut, I'm not a whore, I don't go around looking for random guys to hook up with. It's not going to be like that with him either. Does he think I'm attractive? Probably. Don't all of your friends? Didn't you at one point? Yes, the answer to all of those is yes. But that doesn't mean that I'm gonna go run off and shack up with him. Seriously, you've known me for almost five years now. Cut me a little slack and give me some credit. You don't realize that even now, even still, after everything, your words hurt so much more. Even more now than they ever did.
Can I just say that I hate picture day? A lot? Because I really do. I don't like smiling for a camera when nothing made me smile in the first place, so that my frozen image, how horrible that image will be too, can remain forever in history, somewhere, somehow.
Anyway, back to the other main things. Just want you to know that I know exactly what's going on, who she is, what her story is. I understand. More than you'd expect me to, either.
Hold on, the phone just rang. Mom wants to know if I stopped at the store. No, I didn't because you didn't tell me to. Or rather ask me to. Anyway.
Well, now my least and most favorite song is on. It's my least favorite song because it brings up a lot of memories. And stirs up feelings that I don't like. But it's my most because it brings up a lot of memories. And stirs up feelings that I don't like. I know that makes no sense, and I don't expect you to understand.
Back to before my ADD moments, I know what's going on. And it's okay. Things take time. Whichever direction those things may be going, whether it be towards me, or her, or some other direction completely.
I just don't want to be broken again.
Alrighty, lots of quotes from the day. So let's do it up.
" :) x346. " Yeah, I counted them all. Don't judge me.
" Play that fucking track. PLAY THAT FUCKING TRACK!"
" Amy... I think that photographer is KINNDAAA attractive. "
" You wanna go, bitch? Bitch?! Bring it on, bitch, bring it on. "
" OMG Brownies for Tuesday! "
" You tried to lie and say I was everything. I remember when I said I'm nothing without you."
The day started off so well! The snow. First snow. First light, new beginning.
Or not, whichever you prefer.
So I'm going to go through it all, point by point. Read it, or don't. I don't care.
First off, I'm so.. concerned. For her. I sat there today and watched her eyes. Everyone's eyes are expressive. Hers even more than most. I watched her look into his eyes when she thought no one else was paying attention. And that look that I saw in her eyes, I couldn't believe. She doesn't just like him. She fell for him. Hard. I don't particularly BLAME her, she can't help it. But just the look in her eyes, I don't know, it killed me. It really did. And I don't understand why. I've seen so many different things in people's eyes. I've watched someones eyes watch mine with love. I've watched someones eyes burn me with hate. I've watched someones eyes look expressionless, not caring at all. The last one hurt a lot, too, not going to kid you here. But that look, I just can't get the vision of it out of my head. At all. I'm trying. I am. But I can't get rid of it...
And then him! But WHY. Of course I have to run into you in the hallway when your pissed at me. Of course I do. Isn't that the way it always goes? Yes, Amy, yes it does. You think that I don't listen to you? That I don't know exactly what you think about this? I do. I remember every single thing you've told me, I haven't forgotten. And I do appreciate you looking out for me, but legit man, the fact that you got SO pissed off about it down right infuriates me. Down. Right. Infuriating. I'm not a slut, I'm not a whore, I don't go around looking for random guys to hook up with. It's not going to be like that with him either. Does he think I'm attractive? Probably. Don't all of your friends? Didn't you at one point? Yes, the answer to all of those is yes. But that doesn't mean that I'm gonna go run off and shack up with him. Seriously, you've known me for almost five years now. Cut me a little slack and give me some credit. You don't realize that even now, even still, after everything, your words hurt so much more. Even more now than they ever did.
Can I just say that I hate picture day? A lot? Because I really do. I don't like smiling for a camera when nothing made me smile in the first place, so that my frozen image, how horrible that image will be too, can remain forever in history, somewhere, somehow.
Anyway, back to the other main things. Just want you to know that I know exactly what's going on, who she is, what her story is. I understand. More than you'd expect me to, either.
Hold on, the phone just rang. Mom wants to know if I stopped at the store. No, I didn't because you didn't tell me to. Or rather ask me to. Anyway.
Well, now my least and most favorite song is on. It's my least favorite song because it brings up a lot of memories. And stirs up feelings that I don't like. But it's my most because it brings up a lot of memories. And stirs up feelings that I don't like. I know that makes no sense, and I don't expect you to understand.
Back to before my ADD moments, I know what's going on. And it's okay. Things take time. Whichever direction those things may be going, whether it be towards me, or her, or some other direction completely.
I just don't want to be broken again.
Alrighty, lots of quotes from the day. So let's do it up.
" :) x346. " Yeah, I counted them all. Don't judge me.
" Play that fucking track. PLAY THAT FUCKING TRACK!"
" Amy... I think that photographer is KINNDAAA attractive. "
" You wanna go, bitch? Bitch?! Bring it on, bitch, bring it on. "
" OMG Brownies for Tuesday! "
" So I like yellow. Shoot me. "
" Don't get T-Boned. Don't slam on your brakes. Use signals. Have a good day."
" Why don't you ever fucking listen to me? "
" If anything happens with either of them I'll never talk to you again. Never acknowledge your existance."
" Everything I tried to do was to protect you and do you listen no "
" If anything happens with either of them I'll never talk to you again. Never acknowledge your existance."
" Everything I tried to do was to protect you and do you listen no "
" You tried to lie and say I was everything. I remember when I said I'm nothing without you."
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Difficulty.
So yesterday I lied when I said making a person feel not good enough is worse- telling them not to talk to you is the worst. Period. It doesn't get any worse than that. No one understands the full impact that those words have on me. Especially from him.
And. I don't understand how people can be classified by the people they talk to. How am I a whore for talking to him? He's a good person. He's YOUR friend in the first place. So I really don't understand. But I also don't care. Because he's not a bad person.
I hate how on my way home, I start listening to CD on the 8th track, and I actually turned up the volume and kept it there. 9th track, didn't really pay attention to, cause why? oh yeah, I almost got T-Boned by some idiot on a cell phone. Mhmmm. So then, 10th track, and I just break down. Completely. And I'm really not even sure why.
BUT. I have a few ideas.
I'm so done being toyed with and being labeled as something that I'm not. At all. And the fact that people are willing to bet on stupid things like my happiness or who I'm going to go to when I get hurt. Not if, when. Isn't that really nice? And put money on it. And then get pissed when they don't get their money. Do I really need a price tag that badly? I know I have one on my work I.D that says $1199.99 but seriously. That was a joke. This wasn't.
I've begun to understand why people are starting to drop out of their friend's lives, when they used to all be so close in a nice tight circle. And what I've decided is that since I have come into that circle, it's been so disrupted. I've watched as it fell apart since I joined it and it's only continued to crumble and it's gotten worse and worse. After that, new smaller circles start, and now even those are starting to dimish. See what I've done? See what I started? But I honestly have to say that I understand why some people have chosen to left, and I have to partially agree with them on that decision, and contimplate it now myself.
Sometimes you start to wonder when it gets to be too much, and if in the end it'll be worth it.
And. I don't understand how people can be classified by the people they talk to. How am I a whore for talking to him? He's a good person. He's YOUR friend in the first place. So I really don't understand. But I also don't care. Because he's not a bad person.
I hate how on my way home, I start listening to CD on the 8th track, and I actually turned up the volume and kept it there. 9th track, didn't really pay attention to, cause why? oh yeah, I almost got T-Boned by some idiot on a cell phone. Mhmmm. So then, 10th track, and I just break down. Completely. And I'm really not even sure why.
BUT. I have a few ideas.
I'm so done being toyed with and being labeled as something that I'm not. At all. And the fact that people are willing to bet on stupid things like my happiness or who I'm going to go to when I get hurt. Not if, when. Isn't that really nice? And put money on it. And then get pissed when they don't get their money. Do I really need a price tag that badly? I know I have one on my work I.D that says $1199.99 but seriously. That was a joke. This wasn't.
I've begun to understand why people are starting to drop out of their friend's lives, when they used to all be so close in a nice tight circle. And what I've decided is that since I have come into that circle, it's been so disrupted. I've watched as it fell apart since I joined it and it's only continued to crumble and it's gotten worse and worse. After that, new smaller circles start, and now even those are starting to dimish. See what I've done? See what I started? But I honestly have to say that I understand why some people have chosen to left, and I have to partially agree with them on that decision, and contimplate it now myself.
Sometimes you start to wonder when it gets to be too much, and if in the end it'll be worth it.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Fury
The absolute worst feeling that you can make a person feel is that they're not good enough. Not just for a short amount of time, either. For over four years. And now that it has been better explained, I understand. I understand that I was never good enough. Even when you said I was. I wasn't. Even when I've moved on in my life you still find ways to come back and hurt me... you still do. But now I understand why I don't make you happy, why I never did.
It's just so frustrating being second. Being someone's consolation prize. Being the next best because for some reason, the best is out of reach. I'm so done being settled for. It's the kind of thing where all you want is someone who is going to want you for you, just you, not because someone else isn't around or in the picture. It hurts, so much, to be skipped over.
But you know what else? It's all okay. Because you hurt me, because you did this, you've made me into a better person and made me stronger. And I think, that finally, after all has been said and done, it's officially over. I'll always care because you've been there for me in a lot of tight spots, and I appreciate that, I really do, but other than that, we're finished here.
After all that, there's still ways to smile. There's so much to be happy about, so many reasons to show the world that I consider myself lucky. When you find someone else, someone so much better, that you can talk to, really talk to, without judgement. And that someone fills the spaces that had been empty and longing for so long. The simple things, like, seeing their name on your phone, and when it makes you smile, all the hurt from the past, just fades. None of the past matters anymore, because there's someone that's now better than the other ever could be.
Even if there's a possibility that things won't work out in your favor, you know in the back of your mind and in your heart that either way, you still have someone better in your life, as one of the closest friends you've ever had. Of course you hope for the best case scenario, who wouldn't? But either way, I'll still be happy. Happiness comes in different forms. But i'll take whatever I can get.
If you would have told me a few months ago that it was going to come to this, that it was going to be you that saved me, that helped me through everything, I would have said you're insane. I know you've always been here for me, but I've underestimated how much that would mean to me, and how much it's grown into so much more.
Thank you, so much, for being the person that I've needed to help me find the way. For being my friend. For listening to me without judging me, or what I was feeling, like everyone else does. You've been so amazing through all of this and I hope you realize how much having you here to help me has meant. Even if you didn't always agree, you were still there, no matter what else was going on. I hate making this all about me but you really have helped me more than nearly everyone and I just want you to know that I do appreciate everything that you've done for me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a brand new, kick ass CD to listen to. :)
It's just so frustrating being second. Being someone's consolation prize. Being the next best because for some reason, the best is out of reach. I'm so done being settled for. It's the kind of thing where all you want is someone who is going to want you for you, just you, not because someone else isn't around or in the picture. It hurts, so much, to be skipped over.
But you know what else? It's all okay. Because you hurt me, because you did this, you've made me into a better person and made me stronger. And I think, that finally, after all has been said and done, it's officially over. I'll always care because you've been there for me in a lot of tight spots, and I appreciate that, I really do, but other than that, we're finished here.
After all that, there's still ways to smile. There's so much to be happy about, so many reasons to show the world that I consider myself lucky. When you find someone else, someone so much better, that you can talk to, really talk to, without judgement. And that someone fills the spaces that had been empty and longing for so long. The simple things, like, seeing their name on your phone, and when it makes you smile, all the hurt from the past, just fades. None of the past matters anymore, because there's someone that's now better than the other ever could be.
Even if there's a possibility that things won't work out in your favor, you know in the back of your mind and in your heart that either way, you still have someone better in your life, as one of the closest friends you've ever had. Of course you hope for the best case scenario, who wouldn't? But either way, I'll still be happy. Happiness comes in different forms. But i'll take whatever I can get.
If you would have told me a few months ago that it was going to come to this, that it was going to be you that saved me, that helped me through everything, I would have said you're insane. I know you've always been here for me, but I've underestimated how much that would mean to me, and how much it's grown into so much more.
Thank you, so much, for being the person that I've needed to help me find the way. For being my friend. For listening to me without judging me, or what I was feeling, like everyone else does. You've been so amazing through all of this and I hope you realize how much having you here to help me has meant. Even if you didn't always agree, you were still there, no matter what else was going on. I hate making this all about me but you really have helped me more than nearly everyone and I just want you to know that I do appreciate everything that you've done for me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a brand new, kick ass CD to listen to. :)
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
First post =P yay?
On these sorts of things they always say your first post is supposed to tell people about yourself. So with that in mind, I came up with one question- who am I? And then you have the people who know you more than you know yourself- can that be possible? Can they predict your next move before you even contimplate what you were going to do?
The answer is yes, yes they can. Some people are completely readable, whether they like it or not. I am one of those people, without a doubt. People see right through me. I'm not complicated. I'm not deep. I'm completely 100% simple, with my 'it is what it is' attitude. That doesn't bother me any. I'm happy with who I am. With who my friends are. With where I'm going tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. I don't want to say I'm typical, because I'm not. Like honestly. I'm 16 years old, I have a car that my parents bought, and I work in a retail store. But does that mean I'm typical? Not really. I pay a car payment every month, more than most people pay to a bank anyway, and my retail store doesn't have a fancy butterfly, eagle, or moose tag embroidered on it (and it doesn't cost an arm and a leg for a pair of jeans, either.) I didn't get my job by knowing people or fitting a stereotype- I did it the old fashioned way, with skills and abilities and experience that stores look for.
I've decided to start writing in this sort of forum or whatever you prefer to call it simply because this way, there is one version. One story. I say it once. Whoever wants to read it, interpret it, do what they may with it, is more than welcome. But this way, I say what I want to say, and that's it. What you choose to do with these words, not my choice. And I've decided that nothing can be too personal, because if it helps others to understand what it is that your feeling, then so be it. So here goes my story for today.
I think its great how you can be completely intimidated by people, and then start talking to them and realizing that its those people who prove to be some of the most important in your life. Like today. I actually had a conversation with someone who I've never talked to before, because I was too intimidated to. He turned out to be a really nice guy, the kind who would come change a flat tire in the snow. And then someone I just started talking to recently, like, past few weeks. I walked by him for two years and never knew anything more than his name, just because he was intimidating. Just then all of a sudden by some unforeseen force of nature, I got up the guts and started talking to him. Already he is one of my very best friends, and I love him to death. He already means so much. :)
So in closing for today, seeming as I've rambled on enough for today, I'm just going to say how amazing it is to have your day brightened by something really simple, like a hug from someone special.
<3
The answer is yes, yes they can. Some people are completely readable, whether they like it or not. I am one of those people, without a doubt. People see right through me. I'm not complicated. I'm not deep. I'm completely 100% simple, with my 'it is what it is' attitude. That doesn't bother me any. I'm happy with who I am. With who my friends are. With where I'm going tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. I don't want to say I'm typical, because I'm not. Like honestly. I'm 16 years old, I have a car that my parents bought, and I work in a retail store. But does that mean I'm typical? Not really. I pay a car payment every month, more than most people pay to a bank anyway, and my retail store doesn't have a fancy butterfly, eagle, or moose tag embroidered on it (and it doesn't cost an arm and a leg for a pair of jeans, either.) I didn't get my job by knowing people or fitting a stereotype- I did it the old fashioned way, with skills and abilities and experience that stores look for.
I've decided to start writing in this sort of forum or whatever you prefer to call it simply because this way, there is one version. One story. I say it once. Whoever wants to read it, interpret it, do what they may with it, is more than welcome. But this way, I say what I want to say, and that's it. What you choose to do with these words, not my choice. And I've decided that nothing can be too personal, because if it helps others to understand what it is that your feeling, then so be it. So here goes my story for today.
I think its great how you can be completely intimidated by people, and then start talking to them and realizing that its those people who prove to be some of the most important in your life. Like today. I actually had a conversation with someone who I've never talked to before, because I was too intimidated to. He turned out to be a really nice guy, the kind who would come change a flat tire in the snow. And then someone I just started talking to recently, like, past few weeks. I walked by him for two years and never knew anything more than his name, just because he was intimidating. Just then all of a sudden by some unforeseen force of nature, I got up the guts and started talking to him. Already he is one of my very best friends, and I love him to death. He already means so much. :)
So in closing for today, seeming as I've rambled on enough for today, I'm just going to say how amazing it is to have your day brightened by something really simple, like a hug from someone special.
<3
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