Well, it has officially been five years, so I have to do this.
1. You've always been able to make me smile
No matter what the situation, I've always been able to count on you to make me smile. Even if that meant stealing my stuff and never giving it back, scribbling my name on the inside of your hat, or putting on my abercrombie sweatshirt. I've been hurt a lot, and get upset easily, and you've always known just what to do or say to fix it. I know, I could be Jewish, Helen Keller, and a whole list of other things.
2. You gave me the chance to see that I'm good enough
If there's one thing that I'll take away from all of this, it's the fact that you made me feel a lot better about who I am as a person. By giving me that chance, no matter how hard I had to work for it, you made me see that hey, I'm good enough. I'm good enough to find someone decent and be treated decent. I'm good enough to show the world that I'm confident, that I know what I want, and if I want it bad enough, I can ge tit.
3. You were willing to do anything. And really, anything.
Anything I ever needed, you did. When my iPod got stolen you looked for it. When I was sick and needed a shoulder to lean on, you sat there and let me. When I was cold you'd give me your hoodie to wear. When I was mad at you you'd poke my face until I wasn't mad anymore. No matter what, you'd do anything for me. You'd drag me face to face to friends that I was in fights with. You stopped at my house to make sure I was okay when I wasn't. When my boyfriend broke up with me you offered to break his legs. You've done so much, that I can't even start to list it all.
All in all
The past five years have been hell and happiness in some weird combination. I don't know how to explain them, I can't put words to them. I can't say they were all a cakewalk, but I've learned a lot about myself and that I'll take with me wherever I choose to go. No matter what I'll remember everything and I'll cherish it all forever. No matter where you go, what you do, who you do it with, you'll always know that I'm never forgetting.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
I feel so much better.
Everyone is currently wondering what's up with my status, sooo, I'll explain it (:
I was having a chat with my good friend last night, who is also good friends with someone that I used to be exceptionally crazy about. For those of you who follow my blog regularly, it's the guy named Tim that I used to work with at Goodwill. And my good friend, is Skye who is also even more good friends with him. Anyhow, we were having a fairly normal, relatively calm chat yesterday afternoooon, and then I said how frustrated I was with myself that I still wear the perfume that Tim gave me for Christmas this past year. She went on about how it's not a bad thing, and that SHE actually picked it, and not him. So strike one Tim, you lied about that one. We then brought up the one thing that split the two of us apart in the first place, his ex gf, who I'm not even going to bother to put a name to because it's unneccesary. We started talking about her, and everything that's happened between the time that Tim let me go and today (well, yesterday, actually).
Then, she mentions the fact on WHY we never actually dated. The equation was basically simple~ I liked him. He liked me. Bam, done. Ehhh, not really. She said that his parents- yes, his parents- were telling him that I was too young for him. His family, who had never a day in their lives met me, was judging me. Well this ones for them- I may be sixteen years old, but I work two jobs. I have a brother who I've helped raise because he's disabled. I partly run a family business, and I'm on the honor roll. I've never touched alcohol or a cigarette, I have big dreams that I know I'll fulfill. I've never walked in past curfew and never been grounded more than a day. BUt these people, who have never ever met me, were judging me.
And he listened to them! So he went galloping right back to his ex who is only two years older than I am, and left me completely without any other say. Strike two, Tim, letting others tell you what to do. You never striked me as that type.
Here's the icing on the cake. He went to Skye's house one day last week, per normal. He asked how I was. She tells him I'm great. He asks if I have a boyfriend. She says no. He asks if any guys like me, or are interested in me. She says yes. He wants to know who. She tells him. He flips out. She continued to tell him how happy I am, with just the mere thought of someone else.
Strike three, Tim, acting concerned because I'm happy, and acting like you actually give a damn about me anymore.
So. Screw you. Screw all of it. Screw them for trying to tell you what to do. Screw you for letting them. You disgust me, in every single way. And if I ever see you again, I will probably rip your eyes out of your face. I gave you everything, I tried so damn hard, And you gave me nothing. So screw you, hope you have a nice life.
Oh, and PS, if you try to crawl back when I'm a little older, it's not gonna happen. You've caused way too much.
I know it's hard to hate anyone, but.........
I was having a chat with my good friend last night, who is also good friends with someone that I used to be exceptionally crazy about. For those of you who follow my blog regularly, it's the guy named Tim that I used to work with at Goodwill. And my good friend, is Skye who is also even more good friends with him. Anyhow, we were having a fairly normal, relatively calm chat yesterday afternoooon, and then I said how frustrated I was with myself that I still wear the perfume that Tim gave me for Christmas this past year. She went on about how it's not a bad thing, and that SHE actually picked it, and not him. So strike one Tim, you lied about that one. We then brought up the one thing that split the two of us apart in the first place, his ex gf, who I'm not even going to bother to put a name to because it's unneccesary. We started talking about her, and everything that's happened between the time that Tim let me go and today (well, yesterday, actually).
Then, she mentions the fact on WHY we never actually dated. The equation was basically simple~ I liked him. He liked me. Bam, done. Ehhh, not really. She said that his parents- yes, his parents- were telling him that I was too young for him. His family, who had never a day in their lives met me, was judging me. Well this ones for them- I may be sixteen years old, but I work two jobs. I have a brother who I've helped raise because he's disabled. I partly run a family business, and I'm on the honor roll. I've never touched alcohol or a cigarette, I have big dreams that I know I'll fulfill. I've never walked in past curfew and never been grounded more than a day. BUt these people, who have never ever met me, were judging me.
And he listened to them! So he went galloping right back to his ex who is only two years older than I am, and left me completely without any other say. Strike two, Tim, letting others tell you what to do. You never striked me as that type.
Here's the icing on the cake. He went to Skye's house one day last week, per normal. He asked how I was. She tells him I'm great. He asks if I have a boyfriend. She says no. He asks if any guys like me, or are interested in me. She says yes. He wants to know who. She tells him. He flips out. She continued to tell him how happy I am, with just the mere thought of someone else.
Strike three, Tim, acting concerned because I'm happy, and acting like you actually give a damn about me anymore.
So. Screw you. Screw all of it. Screw them for trying to tell you what to do. Screw you for letting them. You disgust me, in every single way. And if I ever see you again, I will probably rip your eyes out of your face. I gave you everything, I tried so damn hard, And you gave me nothing. So screw you, hope you have a nice life.
Oh, and PS, if you try to crawl back when I'm a little older, it's not gonna happen. You've caused way too much.
I know it's hard to hate anyone, but.........
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
September 2nd, 2009 til June 17th, 2010
I figured I might as well do something like this for myself.
These, are my top ten things that occured this year that hold weight to them.
When I think of junior year, I think of these things-
10. Dying my hair blond
I know this doesn't seem like it would be on my list. But during April vacation, I decided to dye my hair blonde. So I did. At first I was scared as hell at what people were going to say about it. Just because it was so obnoxious, so different. In the end, I'm glad I did it. It looks amazing, and everyone ended up liking it. But the final though on this one though, is that, I liked it. And I felt good about it. It didn't matter what anyone else was going to say about it- because it made me a little bit more confident.
9. Nick and Ashleigh dating
Most people are going to think that this would be higher up on my list, since it caused so much everyone felt different things about it. But, this is about me, and I'm only putting at number nine because even though it hurt, I'm happy it happened. Yes, it is my ex boyfriend that I had one hell of a time getting over. But I did that. And she's happy. And he's happy. Together they are one, and that's all that's important is that together they are happy. It doesn't matter how many nights I cried and lost sleep over it, how many days I didn't talk to either of them out of nothing but pure anger, or how many times I'd wish it could have been me. It made me stronger, it changed my outlook on so many different things, and it made me into a better person. Because of it, I really got intune with my emotions, and can now easily pinpoint exactly what causes a lot of what I'm feeling, both about relationships and about things that have nothing to do with them. All because of those two. (:
8. Getting my job at Goodwill, and then going out with someone who worked there.
Working at Goodwill really has changed my outlook on a lot of things. Shortly after I started there I met someone who changed my life and made me happy. Who I could be myself with and be happy with. I'm sorry to say that I miss him, so much. I miss how he made me laugh, how he fixed everything, and I'm also sorry to say that he let it all crumble down around me, and it's still sitting there in pieces. I've stepped over it and kept walking, but it's still scattered in shards everywhere. Every once in awhile I step in a piece of it. And it hurts like hell. Sometimes I wonder how I even wake up in the morning, that's how important he was to me. I was just never that important to him.
7. Drawing something for Ian
For those who don't know, at the beginning of the year, I drew Ian a picture of his iPod, (to exact specs, might I add) with the exact number of songs he had on it at that point, with the headphones twisting above it to say IAN, and then wrote lyrics at the bottom. That damn thing took me almost three days in its entirety, and I did it because I needed some tangible way to show him that I cared. I remember his reaction perfectly, as if it was yesterday. All I can say now, though, is I hope to God he still has it, because I put so much effort into it.
6. Not going to Junior Semi
Part of me regrets not going. I bought the dress, made the appointment for my hair, the whole nine yards. And now the dress sits in my closet, seeming as I never got to wear it. (Finally, I have something to wear it to, so it's not going to waste.) But not taking ONE night to go out and get allll dressed up, I dunno, I really feel like I should have. So many people yelled at me, Nick even stopped by my work on his way to pick up Ashleigh just to dig it in one last time that I should have been going. But past is past, and prom here we come <3
5. Making the decision to work two jobs at once
Sometimes I wonder if I really should have two jobs, because it gives me no room to work around. When I first started, I worked sixteen days straight. day off. another few weeks straight, day off. nine days, day off. It was so crazy, but in the end so far it's paid off quite nicely. But it just has proven to me that I'm strong and that I can do it. I've been doing it for the past 2 1/2 months and I've handled it just fine. Yes, it has meant giving up my social life. But that's okay- it'll come back once I'm back down to one.
4. Writing a six paged letter
I'm not going to say who it was to, except that it was to a 'he.' The people who need to know about it, know about it. But it was six pages, each line filled with my emotion, how much I care, and how much I should have been given a chance. I was still never given one, and probably never will be either. I accept that. Doesn't change the way I feel, even though it should. But, he still has it. I know that for a fact. And that means so much to me. Knowing that he at least cared enough not to rip it up and throw it away, just kind of gives me a happy feeling. I know that my words have sunk in, even if it's just a little. So I know he can't say that he doesn't know how I feel. Because all he has to do is read those six pages, and he will.
3. Blow out with Troy
This blow out tops every single blow out I've ever, ever had. I have never had anyone say the words to me that he said to me that day. I will never be able to forgive them, because they are unspeakable and unthinkable. I don't know how in the hell he sleeps at night. But, it doesn't matter. It's in the past and so is he. After everything I tried to do to help him, to make him feel better, to make him see that there's so much more out there that he hasn't seen yet, nope. He treated me like that. No one has ever treated me that way, and because of that, no one ever will. Ever again.
2. Going to the Caribbean
Obviously I had to put this on my list. But this trip was one of the better I've had. I got to go ziplining through the jungle, just me and my mom. I didn't get a horrible sunburn and I spent an entire week with my family. I enjoyed every minute of it and didn't let myself get wrapped up in the stupidity of what was going on back home. It was perfect and I can't wait til next year.
And last, the one thing that I think about when I think about my Junior Year...
1. Meeting Scott
Naturally, this is my number one. I've never felt this way about anyone else, so obviously this is the top of my list. He'll never realize it, but he's changed my life in so many ways. He's made me smile, cry, want to run away and hide, and everything in between. No matter what has happened between October and now, he's always going to be important to me. It's been extremely difficult not seeing him like I used to, even if it was just in passing. But he made so many memories for my Junior year, that I can't even write them all down. He'll never realize how special he is to me, and how many times I wished he could just see that. Even though I tried, again and again, I realize that I've failed, each occasion. But I'll take that and use it to build myself for whatever comes next. Whatever that may be, whoever that may be, how ever and when ever it decides to come. Nothing and no one can ever take the place that Scott will hold in my heart for a very long time, and I dare anyone to try, because you won't. I know that eventually he'll just fade, and it sickens me to know that's gonna happen. But in all reality, it IS going to happen, just like he always did all those times before. WIth that all said, when I look back on my third year at Central High School, he tops the list. 100% without a doubt. Thanks for the memories, best of luck, congratulations, and I'll miss you.
2010(:
These, are my top ten things that occured this year that hold weight to them.
When I think of junior year, I think of these things-
10. Dying my hair blond
I know this doesn't seem like it would be on my list. But during April vacation, I decided to dye my hair blonde. So I did. At first I was scared as hell at what people were going to say about it. Just because it was so obnoxious, so different. In the end, I'm glad I did it. It looks amazing, and everyone ended up liking it. But the final though on this one though, is that, I liked it. And I felt good about it. It didn't matter what anyone else was going to say about it- because it made me a little bit more confident.
9. Nick and Ashleigh dating
Most people are going to think that this would be higher up on my list, since it caused so much everyone felt different things about it. But, this is about me, and I'm only putting at number nine because even though it hurt, I'm happy it happened. Yes, it is my ex boyfriend that I had one hell of a time getting over. But I did that. And she's happy. And he's happy. Together they are one, and that's all that's important is that together they are happy. It doesn't matter how many nights I cried and lost sleep over it, how many days I didn't talk to either of them out of nothing but pure anger, or how many times I'd wish it could have been me. It made me stronger, it changed my outlook on so many different things, and it made me into a better person. Because of it, I really got intune with my emotions, and can now easily pinpoint exactly what causes a lot of what I'm feeling, both about relationships and about things that have nothing to do with them. All because of those two. (:
8. Getting my job at Goodwill, and then going out with someone who worked there.
Working at Goodwill really has changed my outlook on a lot of things. Shortly after I started there I met someone who changed my life and made me happy. Who I could be myself with and be happy with. I'm sorry to say that I miss him, so much. I miss how he made me laugh, how he fixed everything, and I'm also sorry to say that he let it all crumble down around me, and it's still sitting there in pieces. I've stepped over it and kept walking, but it's still scattered in shards everywhere. Every once in awhile I step in a piece of it. And it hurts like hell. Sometimes I wonder how I even wake up in the morning, that's how important he was to me. I was just never that important to him.
7. Drawing something for Ian
For those who don't know, at the beginning of the year, I drew Ian a picture of his iPod, (to exact specs, might I add) with the exact number of songs he had on it at that point, with the headphones twisting above it to say IAN, and then wrote lyrics at the bottom. That damn thing took me almost three days in its entirety, and I did it because I needed some tangible way to show him that I cared. I remember his reaction perfectly, as if it was yesterday. All I can say now, though, is I hope to God he still has it, because I put so much effort into it.
6. Not going to Junior Semi
Part of me regrets not going. I bought the dress, made the appointment for my hair, the whole nine yards. And now the dress sits in my closet, seeming as I never got to wear it. (Finally, I have something to wear it to, so it's not going to waste.) But not taking ONE night to go out and get allll dressed up, I dunno, I really feel like I should have. So many people yelled at me, Nick even stopped by my work on his way to pick up Ashleigh just to dig it in one last time that I should have been going. But past is past, and prom here we come <3
5. Making the decision to work two jobs at once
Sometimes I wonder if I really should have two jobs, because it gives me no room to work around. When I first started, I worked sixteen days straight. day off. another few weeks straight, day off. nine days, day off. It was so crazy, but in the end so far it's paid off quite nicely. But it just has proven to me that I'm strong and that I can do it. I've been doing it for the past 2 1/2 months and I've handled it just fine. Yes, it has meant giving up my social life. But that's okay- it'll come back once I'm back down to one.
4. Writing a six paged letter
I'm not going to say who it was to, except that it was to a 'he.' The people who need to know about it, know about it. But it was six pages, each line filled with my emotion, how much I care, and how much I should have been given a chance. I was still never given one, and probably never will be either. I accept that. Doesn't change the way I feel, even though it should. But, he still has it. I know that for a fact. And that means so much to me. Knowing that he at least cared enough not to rip it up and throw it away, just kind of gives me a happy feeling. I know that my words have sunk in, even if it's just a little. So I know he can't say that he doesn't know how I feel. Because all he has to do is read those six pages, and he will.
3. Blow out with Troy
This blow out tops every single blow out I've ever, ever had. I have never had anyone say the words to me that he said to me that day. I will never be able to forgive them, because they are unspeakable and unthinkable. I don't know how in the hell he sleeps at night. But, it doesn't matter. It's in the past and so is he. After everything I tried to do to help him, to make him feel better, to make him see that there's so much more out there that he hasn't seen yet, nope. He treated me like that. No one has ever treated me that way, and because of that, no one ever will. Ever again.
2. Going to the Caribbean
Obviously I had to put this on my list. But this trip was one of the better I've had. I got to go ziplining through the jungle, just me and my mom. I didn't get a horrible sunburn and I spent an entire week with my family. I enjoyed every minute of it and didn't let myself get wrapped up in the stupidity of what was going on back home. It was perfect and I can't wait til next year.
And last, the one thing that I think about when I think about my Junior Year...
1. Meeting Scott
Naturally, this is my number one. I've never felt this way about anyone else, so obviously this is the top of my list. He'll never realize it, but he's changed my life in so many ways. He's made me smile, cry, want to run away and hide, and everything in between. No matter what has happened between October and now, he's always going to be important to me. It's been extremely difficult not seeing him like I used to, even if it was just in passing. But he made so many memories for my Junior year, that I can't even write them all down. He'll never realize how special he is to me, and how many times I wished he could just see that. Even though I tried, again and again, I realize that I've failed, each occasion. But I'll take that and use it to build myself for whatever comes next. Whatever that may be, whoever that may be, how ever and when ever it decides to come. Nothing and no one can ever take the place that Scott will hold in my heart for a very long time, and I dare anyone to try, because you won't. I know that eventually he'll just fade, and it sickens me to know that's gonna happen. But in all reality, it IS going to happen, just like he always did all those times before. WIth that all said, when I look back on my third year at Central High School, he tops the list. 100% without a doubt. Thanks for the memories, best of luck, congratulations, and I'll miss you.
2010(:
Monday, June 21, 2010
Paint Me a Better Picture
I'm really not sure I can put words to a reaction. So I'll just retell the events that happened.
I woke up this morning, and I went and sat out in the sun for just a half an hour. In that half an hour, the temperature rose almost ten degrees. Which is crazy, and it was starting to get hot, so I came inside, hopped in the shower, and made myself some breakfast. For the first time in a long time, it didn't constitute grabbing a poptart and unwrapping it. I actually cracked eggs into a bowl, beated them, and put them in a pan. Threw some stuff in there, and took a spatula, and folded it. And then ate it. I felt really proud of myself. For taking time to do something good for myself.
At this point it was now around 9:45, so I logged into facebook, and in the "most recent" homepage says that he has been writing for the past two hours and that he's going to get some sleep. This gets me curious.
Now keep in mind, I'm in a fantastic mood. I just sat in the sun, took a shower, and ate a good breakfast. Three of my favorite things about summer. So I took a little common sense, and logged onto the website which I log onto so often that I only have to type in the first three letters to the URL and it brings me right there.
I see that this post is going to be a good one, but facing reality they all are, so I read. And I have a slight smile about my face, happy with the happiness and content that I felt as a reader. Then I got to reading, top ten most influential people. So I was wondering, if I was going to be in there. I stopped reading, and said eh, it's not likely. I'm not that important.
So I read through the first three, agreeing where agreeing from my end is deemed relevant, and then, fourth in line, was me. Didn't even have to read it before I knew that I was going to be really happy after I read this.
My jaw at first, just dropped. I let out a huge gasp. To the point where my brother, who was only about 20 feet away from me, asked if everything was okay. I said yeah, mind your own business, and he turned back to the TV and I turned back to the screen. And I kept reading. Then it got into the bet that we made last summer on one of my days when nothing could make me feel happy again. I started to laugh, remembering the day perfectly in my head. But after that, I started to read about the explanation on what brought that on- and it made me cry.
Knowing me too well, he states the following.
So after I dried my eyes I continued to read the rest in bits and pieces, kind of skimming around, then I got down towards the end and the people who deserve a good kick in the shin. Can't say I was surprised about some of the ones in there, and then I see that I am one of them.
Wait. He's got to be kidding me, right? Read on, Amy, read on....
At first I didn't know whether I should be offended by this or laugh at it. Or maybe both, or neither? But, after I've read it over a few times, (yes, I realize that it is now 12:05 and I read it initially at about 10) I've decided that it's recognition of the fact of what I've gone through this year. We all had it pretty bad, and hey, some of us more than others. Some of us were vocal about it and some of us weren't. Some of us fought through it, others of us let it be, others of us just sit here and rampage about it in our blogs. Yep, that last one is a direct reference to myself.
But I see it as acknowledgement that I did go through a lot. That I did have a lot on my plate. That it was hard for me. But that I did it. That I fixed everything I needed to fix and took care of myself.
Even though some of my feelings have changed, I have a sense of security with where I'm at right now, and those who helped me get there. Maybe I don't see you as someone I'd date anymore, even though I used to, doesn't mean for a minute that I don't care. I think it's evident that I always have, since the first day in Sophomore English that I just randomly started talking to. I'm quite flattered, and honored, that you think of me that way- as someone who's helped you forward, and positively influenced you.
I haven't been the best of the best, and I know that. There were times when I could have done a lot more, times when I could have done a lot less, and times where I could have not been such an idiot and realized why the hell you were betting me ten bucks on me having a boyfriend by christmas.
But I have to agree with you most definitely, that I am most definitely happy that we are still friends, and that we have remained that way to this day. And that a relationship might have put that in jepoardy. Maybe, maybe not, but either way it doesn't matter. I'm happy with the outcome as I sit here to say this now, and you are as well.
It doesn't come down to how much I've helped you, how I got you back on your feet, how I influenced or guided or any of that. It's about the fact that you answered the phone at 3 AM that one night that I needed it. It's the fact that you were always there to talk, and you supported me when I needed supporting. You knew how to tell me not to slam on my brakes, use my signals and have a good day. You knew how not to talk the entire ride home from school to see if I could bear it. You knew how to send me an entire seven paged text message of smiley faces, just because.
I know you think that I've done so much for you, but I really haven't. Not in my eyes. And nothing you say will change that.
It's not at all what I've done for you. It's what you've done for me.
I woke up this morning, and I went and sat out in the sun for just a half an hour. In that half an hour, the temperature rose almost ten degrees. Which is crazy, and it was starting to get hot, so I came inside, hopped in the shower, and made myself some breakfast. For the first time in a long time, it didn't constitute grabbing a poptart and unwrapping it. I actually cracked eggs into a bowl, beated them, and put them in a pan. Threw some stuff in there, and took a spatula, and folded it. And then ate it. I felt really proud of myself. For taking time to do something good for myself.
At this point it was now around 9:45, so I logged into facebook, and in the "most recent" homepage says that he has been writing for the past two hours and that he's going to get some sleep. This gets me curious.
Now keep in mind, I'm in a fantastic mood. I just sat in the sun, took a shower, and ate a good breakfast. Three of my favorite things about summer. So I took a little common sense, and logged onto the website which I log onto so often that I only have to type in the first three letters to the URL and it brings me right there.
I see that this post is going to be a good one, but facing reality they all are, so I read. And I have a slight smile about my face, happy with the happiness and content that I felt as a reader. Then I got to reading, top ten most influential people. So I was wondering, if I was going to be in there. I stopped reading, and said eh, it's not likely. I'm not that important.
So I read through the first three, agreeing where agreeing from my end is deemed relevant, and then, fourth in line, was me. Didn't even have to read it before I knew that I was going to be really happy after I read this.
My jaw at first, just dropped. I let out a huge gasp. To the point where my brother, who was only about 20 feet away from me, asked if everything was okay. I said yeah, mind your own business, and he turned back to the TV and I turned back to the screen. And I kept reading. Then it got into the bet that we made last summer on one of my days when nothing could make me feel happy again. I started to laugh, remembering the day perfectly in my head. But after that, I started to read about the explanation on what brought that on- and it made me cry.
Knowing me too well, he states the following.
Haha this is the point of Amy reading it that gets her head turning.You can say that again! I couldn't believe everything I'd just read.
So after I dried my eyes I continued to read the rest in bits and pieces, kind of skimming around, then I got down towards the end and the people who deserve a good kick in the shin. Can't say I was surprised about some of the ones in there, and then I see that I am one of them.
Wait. He's got to be kidding me, right? Read on, Amy, read on....
At first I didn't know whether I should be offended by this or laugh at it. Or maybe both, or neither? But, after I've read it over a few times, (yes, I realize that it is now 12:05 and I read it initially at about 10) I've decided that it's recognition of the fact of what I've gone through this year. We all had it pretty bad, and hey, some of us more than others. Some of us were vocal about it and some of us weren't. Some of us fought through it, others of us let it be, others of us just sit here and rampage about it in our blogs. Yep, that last one is a direct reference to myself.
But I see it as acknowledgement that I did go through a lot. That I did have a lot on my plate. That it was hard for me. But that I did it. That I fixed everything I needed to fix and took care of myself.
Even though some of my feelings have changed, I have a sense of security with where I'm at right now, and those who helped me get there. Maybe I don't see you as someone I'd date anymore, even though I used to, doesn't mean for a minute that I don't care. I think it's evident that I always have, since the first day in Sophomore English that I just randomly started talking to. I'm quite flattered, and honored, that you think of me that way- as someone who's helped you forward, and positively influenced you.
I haven't been the best of the best, and I know that. There were times when I could have done a lot more, times when I could have done a lot less, and times where I could have not been such an idiot and realized why the hell you were betting me ten bucks on me having a boyfriend by christmas.
But I have to agree with you most definitely, that I am most definitely happy that we are still friends, and that we have remained that way to this day. And that a relationship might have put that in jepoardy. Maybe, maybe not, but either way it doesn't matter. I'm happy with the outcome as I sit here to say this now, and you are as well.
It doesn't come down to how much I've helped you, how I got you back on your feet, how I influenced or guided or any of that. It's about the fact that you answered the phone at 3 AM that one night that I needed it. It's the fact that you were always there to talk, and you supported me when I needed supporting. You knew how to tell me not to slam on my brakes, use my signals and have a good day. You knew how not to talk the entire ride home from school to see if I could bear it. You knew how to send me an entire seven paged text message of smiley faces, just because.
I know you think that I've done so much for you, but I really haven't. Not in my eyes. And nothing you say will change that.
It's not at all what I've done for you. It's what you've done for me.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
And from her lips she drew a "Hallelujah"
I'm going to start with everything from graduation, forward.
June 12th, 2010. Graduation. I got to see the one person that I care about more than almost anything walk across the stage and get a diploma. I always knew he would, but it was just this one moment that I knew was coming was finally here. But before all that. I have a story.
I was sitting with a few people that I know, and a woman, her husband, and younger son walk into the row behind us, and they seem to know one of the girls I was sitting with. They talked for quite awhile, and we all just sort of chatted here and there. So then the woman starts talking about Adam Sandler, and how it's going to be really cool that he's there. I said yeah, and that he came to my work a few weeks ago. I work at goodwill, and he donated a few things. Her eyes slightly bulge, and she goes, "What's your name?" So at that moment, thoughts rush through my head. Does she go there a lot and I don't recognize her? Is she related to someone who works there? I dunno, let's find out. Amy, I say, and you can clearly see surprise in her face. You're Amy? she asks. Yep, that'd be me... is all I can say. She waves at her husband who is sitting a few seats down and says hey, that's Amy...
Who is this person, and how does she know who I am?
It was his mom. Out of all the places I could have chosen to sit, out of all the people who sat behind me, his mom was the one.
After graduation was over, I was walking around outside the Verizon, bumping into a few familiar faces, lots of hugs, and I think I said the word "Congratulations" about fifty times. But one hug stuck out to me more than the rest. His.
Just the fact that he knew that I was there, that I came all the way out in the rain, in a dress nontheless, to see him, was perfect. He knew that my intention was to see him. And he saw me.
I haven't seen him since then, which, I knew I wouldn't. And i'm not even sure I'll see him any time soon. But if I don't, I have the memories of this past year with me, always. Both the good and the bad, they shaped everything into the feelings towards him that I have. I'll never forget how happy he's made me. I'll never forget how hurt he's made me either, but it's more important to remember happiness.
I'm just so proud of him and everything he's accomplished.
So then finals came and went, and I am now officially a Central High School senior. And this year, I've decided, I will have absolutely no self confidence issues. I won't let myself. THe past three years I wasted too much time worrying about how I looked in the eyes of everyone else. So I'm going to concentrate on what I look like in my own view, screw what everyone else things. I've started by sitting in the sun every day since that moment, and slowly my skin is getting darker. I've spent a lot of time going through all the clothes in my closet and deciding, do I feel good in this? If I do, I put it back. If I don't, I'm giving it to Goodwill. I have no room or energy to spend on things that I don't feel good in.
And so since I'm emptying out half my closet, I have to restock it. Which isn't cheap, but how I can put a price on feeling confident?
I've already spent time with friends, gone shopping, and just enjoyed the sunlight. Summer has just started, and it's already amazing.
I know that every day isn't going to be perfect, and some days I'm going to be sitting here bored out of my tree wishing I had somewhere to go.
BUt I know that there are days that I will have somewhere to go, people to see, and things to do. So i just have to look forward to those, instead of not looking at the days where I don't.
I just decided that I'm going to focus on making myself happy and making myself feel better than I have these past three years, and even before that. Because I am almost an adult, and I have to start acting like one.
Whatever it takes, I'm going to do it. The lost, broken, upset, hurting me is gone. THe new me doesn't have time to deal with that bullshit.
And from her lips, she drew a "hallelujah."
<3
June 12th, 2010. Graduation. I got to see the one person that I care about more than almost anything walk across the stage and get a diploma. I always knew he would, but it was just this one moment that I knew was coming was finally here. But before all that. I have a story.
I was sitting with a few people that I know, and a woman, her husband, and younger son walk into the row behind us, and they seem to know one of the girls I was sitting with. They talked for quite awhile, and we all just sort of chatted here and there. So then the woman starts talking about Adam Sandler, and how it's going to be really cool that he's there. I said yeah, and that he came to my work a few weeks ago. I work at goodwill, and he donated a few things. Her eyes slightly bulge, and she goes, "What's your name?" So at that moment, thoughts rush through my head. Does she go there a lot and I don't recognize her? Is she related to someone who works there? I dunno, let's find out. Amy, I say, and you can clearly see surprise in her face. You're Amy? she asks. Yep, that'd be me... is all I can say. She waves at her husband who is sitting a few seats down and says hey, that's Amy...
Who is this person, and how does she know who I am?
It was his mom. Out of all the places I could have chosen to sit, out of all the people who sat behind me, his mom was the one.
After graduation was over, I was walking around outside the Verizon, bumping into a few familiar faces, lots of hugs, and I think I said the word "Congratulations" about fifty times. But one hug stuck out to me more than the rest. His.
Just the fact that he knew that I was there, that I came all the way out in the rain, in a dress nontheless, to see him, was perfect. He knew that my intention was to see him. And he saw me.
I haven't seen him since then, which, I knew I wouldn't. And i'm not even sure I'll see him any time soon. But if I don't, I have the memories of this past year with me, always. Both the good and the bad, they shaped everything into the feelings towards him that I have. I'll never forget how happy he's made me. I'll never forget how hurt he's made me either, but it's more important to remember happiness.
I'm just so proud of him and everything he's accomplished.
So then finals came and went, and I am now officially a Central High School senior. And this year, I've decided, I will have absolutely no self confidence issues. I won't let myself. THe past three years I wasted too much time worrying about how I looked in the eyes of everyone else. So I'm going to concentrate on what I look like in my own view, screw what everyone else things. I've started by sitting in the sun every day since that moment, and slowly my skin is getting darker. I've spent a lot of time going through all the clothes in my closet and deciding, do I feel good in this? If I do, I put it back. If I don't, I'm giving it to Goodwill. I have no room or energy to spend on things that I don't feel good in.
And so since I'm emptying out half my closet, I have to restock it. Which isn't cheap, but how I can put a price on feeling confident?
I've already spent time with friends, gone shopping, and just enjoyed the sunlight. Summer has just started, and it's already amazing.
I know that every day isn't going to be perfect, and some days I'm going to be sitting here bored out of my tree wishing I had somewhere to go.
BUt I know that there are days that I will have somewhere to go, people to see, and things to do. So i just have to look forward to those, instead of not looking at the days where I don't.
I just decided that I'm going to focus on making myself happy and making myself feel better than I have these past three years, and even before that. Because I am almost an adult, and I have to start acting like one.
Whatever it takes, I'm going to do it. The lost, broken, upset, hurting me is gone. THe new me doesn't have time to deal with that bullshit.
And from her lips, she drew a "hallelujah."
<3
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Driving Thoughts- Post 100 :D
This is my 100th post since October :) Congrats to meee (throws confetti) hahaha.
So looking over my past 100 posts, I realize, what have I posted that's positive? Optomisitic, Happy? Only a few. Like, maybe, 10, 15? 20 even. Either way thats 20% at the max and that's a failing grade. Quite failing. So I figured I'd talk happy today since I am, for now.!
I got to get out of school at 9:30 today. I did everything I had to do and got home at 10. Tonight I'm getting paid from job #2, so that's now two checks from them that I have, and then auto deposit from job #1 tomorroww, so with those three things, bam baby, I'm gonna make a hell of a car payment. Like seriously. I'll be really surprised with myself if I don't have it completely paid by the start of senior year. Which would be a great accomplishment- not even a year and a half to pay almost seven grand. helllll to the yes.
And, tomorrow, is my official start to summer vacation at 11:30. And I am not working. I get to get to a baseball game. And it's gonna be a really good one too! Then Friday. I am not working. At allll. No school, Brick House, or Goodwill. So, I'm gonna spend it doing exactly what I want to do- I'm just not sure what that is yet. But you know what? That's okay, I have all day today and all day tomorrow to figure it out. Thanks again Brandy for covering me tomorrow night :D :D :D
THe most accomplishing thing I've done this year, though, I'd have to say, is getting intune with my feelings. Really being able to pinpoint how I feel and who I feel it about. I learned a lot on myself and how I can control what I feel. How to use it productively. How to ignore it if it's not. But most of all, I completely got over the one thing in life that was holding me back from everything else. Completely. I don't know exactly when it happened. It wasn't something that happened overnight. It was gradual. But it's a gradual achievement that since 7th grade I never though I'd be able to say I did.
But I did it. Me. I did it. :D :D :D :D :D
So now I'm going to talk about what I wanted to talk about in this post.
Driving thoughts.
Yesterday I went to run a few errands for my mom. And as I was driving around here and there, it was approximately, eh, 11:30 AM or so. Each car I passed, I wondered where they were going. Why were they on the road? Shouldn't they be at work? Maybe they work a night shift. Maybe they're a college student home for the summer. Maybe they're on their way TO work. Maybe they're on a break. Maybe they just called in sick and don't want to go. Maybe they don't have a job at all. Maybe they're going to pick up a sick child from school. Maybe they HAVE a job and just didn't go today.
Maybe, like me, they're driving around wondering why everyone else was driving around.
So then, I was driving down the main road that leads to my road by the school, and there was one of those speed limit flashers. You know, the ones that say, Speed Limit 35, and then flash the speed your doing? Does anyone actually listen to them? Like, if the number is flashing in red, it means you're going too fast. So do you slow down just to make the numbers go back to yellow? Do you ignore it? Do you slow down and then go back to your normal speed?
Depends how I'm feeling, I guess. If I feel like it, sure, I'll slow down a little. If I don't, I keep right on trekking. Those things blink red at like. One mile an hour over. So. Yeah. But I was really wondering. How do people generally respond to them?
So then I went to the Puritan Backroom to get a gift card for my brothers one on one. I walk up to the podium, and I ask to purchase one. And she was kind of rude to me. Like, an, ugh, dont wanna be here. Tough. Why do people act like an asshole at their jobs? Maybe she got dumped last night. Maybe she caught her boyfriend cheating on her last night. Maybe her dog died. Maybe her cat ate her pet fish. Maybe she's getting fired.
Then I went to the dollar store to get a card to put the gift card in. And the cashier was working on something next to the register. And she was totally in the zone and working really hard, and I totally didn't have the heart to interrupt her for a 50 cent card. I knew she'd see me standing there anyways and I was in no rush. So another customer came up behind me, and asked if that was the cashier. I said, I think so, she's just in the middle of something. And the woman says to me, "well, she's in no rush now is she," I got really mad at this, its not her right to be judging her just because she didn't see me standing there. So I reply, "She's just in the middle of something, why don't you just wait a minute and calm down?" That got me wondering- what made that woman so irritated? Maybe she was running late and needed to get out of there. Maybe her cat died. Maybe she just didn't like the cashier (who I think is one of the nicest people I've ever met, by the way!) Maybe her car is in the shop. Maybe she has to have surgery next week.
And as I was driving back home, I realized that I had just spent the past hour wondering about everyone else. Wondering why they are the way they are. Then I wondered, do people ever wonder the same thing about me? Probably, if I'm wondering the same thing about them.
That in itself made me realize- I have to stop wondering about everyone else, what they're thinking, feeling, or doing, and I have to wonder and worry about myself.
I think that's why I'm so happy today- because I did that all of yesterday. (after I got home. hahaha) And I took the time to do something for myself. Due to that, I now have a Friday planned that's going to be awesome- and going to make me smile even more.
Driving thoughts: noun: thoughts that drive you to think about other thoughts, while you're driving. :D
So looking over my past 100 posts, I realize, what have I posted that's positive? Optomisitic, Happy? Only a few. Like, maybe, 10, 15? 20 even. Either way thats 20% at the max and that's a failing grade. Quite failing. So I figured I'd talk happy today since I am, for now.!
I got to get out of school at 9:30 today. I did everything I had to do and got home at 10. Tonight I'm getting paid from job #2, so that's now two checks from them that I have, and then auto deposit from job #1 tomorroww, so with those three things, bam baby, I'm gonna make a hell of a car payment. Like seriously. I'll be really surprised with myself if I don't have it completely paid by the start of senior year. Which would be a great accomplishment- not even a year and a half to pay almost seven grand. helllll to the yes.
And, tomorrow, is my official start to summer vacation at 11:30. And I am not working. I get to get to a baseball game. And it's gonna be a really good one too! Then Friday. I am not working. At allll. No school, Brick House, or Goodwill. So, I'm gonna spend it doing exactly what I want to do- I'm just not sure what that is yet. But you know what? That's okay, I have all day today and all day tomorrow to figure it out. Thanks again Brandy for covering me tomorrow night :D :D :D
THe most accomplishing thing I've done this year, though, I'd have to say, is getting intune with my feelings. Really being able to pinpoint how I feel and who I feel it about. I learned a lot on myself and how I can control what I feel. How to use it productively. How to ignore it if it's not. But most of all, I completely got over the one thing in life that was holding me back from everything else. Completely. I don't know exactly when it happened. It wasn't something that happened overnight. It was gradual. But it's a gradual achievement that since 7th grade I never though I'd be able to say I did.
But I did it. Me. I did it. :D :D :D :D :D
So now I'm going to talk about what I wanted to talk about in this post.
Driving thoughts.
Yesterday I went to run a few errands for my mom. And as I was driving around here and there, it was approximately, eh, 11:30 AM or so. Each car I passed, I wondered where they were going. Why were they on the road? Shouldn't they be at work? Maybe they work a night shift. Maybe they're a college student home for the summer. Maybe they're on their way TO work. Maybe they're on a break. Maybe they just called in sick and don't want to go. Maybe they don't have a job at all. Maybe they're going to pick up a sick child from school. Maybe they HAVE a job and just didn't go today.
Maybe, like me, they're driving around wondering why everyone else was driving around.
So then, I was driving down the main road that leads to my road by the school, and there was one of those speed limit flashers. You know, the ones that say, Speed Limit 35, and then flash the speed your doing? Does anyone actually listen to them? Like, if the number is flashing in red, it means you're going too fast. So do you slow down just to make the numbers go back to yellow? Do you ignore it? Do you slow down and then go back to your normal speed?
Depends how I'm feeling, I guess. If I feel like it, sure, I'll slow down a little. If I don't, I keep right on trekking. Those things blink red at like. One mile an hour over. So. Yeah. But I was really wondering. How do people generally respond to them?
So then I went to the Puritan Backroom to get a gift card for my brothers one on one. I walk up to the podium, and I ask to purchase one. And she was kind of rude to me. Like, an, ugh, dont wanna be here. Tough. Why do people act like an asshole at their jobs? Maybe she got dumped last night. Maybe she caught her boyfriend cheating on her last night. Maybe her dog died. Maybe her cat ate her pet fish. Maybe she's getting fired.
Then I went to the dollar store to get a card to put the gift card in. And the cashier was working on something next to the register. And she was totally in the zone and working really hard, and I totally didn't have the heart to interrupt her for a 50 cent card. I knew she'd see me standing there anyways and I was in no rush. So another customer came up behind me, and asked if that was the cashier. I said, I think so, she's just in the middle of something. And the woman says to me, "well, she's in no rush now is she," I got really mad at this, its not her right to be judging her just because she didn't see me standing there. So I reply, "She's just in the middle of something, why don't you just wait a minute and calm down?" That got me wondering- what made that woman so irritated? Maybe she was running late and needed to get out of there. Maybe her cat died. Maybe she just didn't like the cashier (who I think is one of the nicest people I've ever met, by the way!) Maybe her car is in the shop. Maybe she has to have surgery next week.
And as I was driving back home, I realized that I had just spent the past hour wondering about everyone else. Wondering why they are the way they are. Then I wondered, do people ever wonder the same thing about me? Probably, if I'm wondering the same thing about them.
That in itself made me realize- I have to stop wondering about everyone else, what they're thinking, feeling, or doing, and I have to wonder and worry about myself.
I think that's why I'm so happy today- because I did that all of yesterday. (after I got home. hahaha) And I took the time to do something for myself. Due to that, I now have a Friday planned that's going to be awesome- and going to make me smile even more.
Driving thoughts: noun: thoughts that drive you to think about other thoughts, while you're driving. :D
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I can't beg this anymore.
I really don't know what else to do, so this my final attempt. Please, someone, slap me across the face. Wipe my memory and hollow out my heart. Make it go away. Make it stop hurting. Make it so that he never did this to me. Make it so that I don't feel pain from him anymore. Make it so that he feels even a fraction of what I feel right now. Last night was so amazing, I got to see you finally succeed. I've always wanted that for you, and you did it. Congrats, by the way. (: But, now that you're gone, I am too. I can't be here. I can't walk through Central anymore without being constantly reminded of everything you are. All the moments spent together and everything that happened. Everywhere I look there you are. Everything I hear there you are. Everywhere I go there you are. I wish you'd give me the chance. I'm so... addicted to everything you are. I hate that I feel this way but I'd hate to feel anything else. It's because I'm. Nevermind.. not important. I don't know how to fix this or deal with it. I want it to stop hurting. I wanna be yours. I wanna be the one you wanna be with. I wanna be the one who means everything to you that you can't stand to be away from. I wanna be special, and important, and safe, and loved. I know you're capable of all of those things but seriously why can't you just see that I'm right here, and that I'm not going anywhere? I have no more tears left to cry or words left to say. Alright, forget it, I can't talk anymore.
it just hurts too much.
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you.
let me inside, let me get close to you.
Don't change your mind, I'll get lost if you want me to.
but somehow I found.
A way to get lost in you.
it just hurts too much.
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you.
let me inside, let me get close to you.
Don't change your mind, I'll get lost if you want me to.
but somehow I found.
A way to get lost in you.
Friday, June 11, 2010
My bad days have sunk me to a new all time low.
Yesterday and today were the worst days of my life. Sure that's going to sound like an exaggeration but, I really am willing to put them in my top ten worst days.
yesterday, was the day that the seniors get to walk into the auditorium in cap and gown, and everyone celebrates their achievements. Awards are given out, people sing, throw glow sticks, and have a great time. It really was just that- a great time. I saw a lot of my friends in green and white, all ordered up straight and pretty. But then I realized- this is the last party I'm having with them. The last time we'd walk the same halls. Share the same campus. Fight for the same parking spaces.
Today, was even worse. I had to drive into Amherst Street to see a gap where my sister's car is usually parked. And then you look up Beech Street, and the trucks that are normally there, aren't. The blue-grey car with the twenty day plates that sat in Beech Street this week was gone too. I parked myself on Beech Street just so that it wouldn't look so empty. It was empty until almost seven thirty. Everyone I normally see, talk to, and hang out with, was no where in sight.
I walked to each class anxious to see my friends. But I didn't see them. I never realized how difficult it was going to be to not have them here. I guess I just got used to it. But now that they're not here. I don't know what to do with myself. I just can't describe the aching I feel where my heart is supposed to be. I feel like I should be crying, like I should be able to express the emotion that's wrapped up in me right now, but I can't. I know I'll cry eventually, probably at the very last moment, like usual.
It feels like when I had to watch Nick leave in 7th grade. That was so difficult and the pain I felt for the weeks after that were indescribable. I remember them like they were yesterday. But this, this pain, this torture, is worse times a hundred. There's got to be something I can do to make this better for myself. Go to work, go to school, go to the beach, sit out in the sun, listen to music, read a book? Tried it all. Except going to the beach, but that'll come soon. As I was picking out my clothes this morning I was like aww, I look really cute. Oh wait. Who cares. He's not gonna be there to see it.
Because he's never gonna be there anymore. He's left completely without a goodbye. At least with the others I could give them a hug and a thank for everything and a see ya later. But he didn't even give me that. He's completely up and walked out and I can't do it anymore. I don't how the fuck I got so god damned attached, considering we never talk and never see each other. I took every one of those moments for granted this year. I should have taken every opportunity, there's so much more that I could have done.
BUt I didn't do it. Because I'm stupid and didn't do anything. There were so many more times that I could have spoken up or gone to talk to him or anything. I just left it alone. How could I not though? If he wasn't going to try why should I?
You just can't make someone feel something that they don't.
What I feel right now, is something that I have never felt before, I've never been this upset about someone leaving. I've had my fair share of people leaving- but this I can't do. I don't how how to deal with it. I don't know what to do or say or how the hell I'm going to help myself get over it.
Time changes everything, life must go on, and I'm not going to stand in your way.
I think it's because I'm in... never mind. It doesn't matter.
None of it matters anymore. You don't care that I feel this way. I don't even know how it happened for me to feel this way. I don't know how I got to this point. I don't know how to get out of it.
How do I fix this?
It hurts to breathe, it hurts to sit here and think about it hurting, it hurts not to think about it hurting, it hurts to walk around school, it hurts to work, it hurts to write about this, it hurts to text someone about it, it hurts to bring it up at all, it hurts not to talk about it.
Accept it. Just accept the fucking fact that he's gone and he's never going to come back. He doesn't care that your heart races and your hands shake when you get a text from him. He doesn't care that you're down for the count and can't get back up. He. Does. Not. Care. Accept the fact that you're never going to see him again.
So. I'm never going to see you again after tomorrow. When your name is called, I'm going to clap for you. Then you'll walk across the stage and I'll see your face one last time. Then you'll walk off into the sea of green and white, and that'll be it.
What I wouldn't give to just give you a hug right now. Just to tell you that I care. Just to tell you how special you are, no matter how much you frustrate me and how much I get irritated by you. What I wouldn't give..... There is not a single thing that would keep me from making things right for myself.
But, I have nothing to offer you. I'm just me, and that's all I can be. It's not a lot, but it's all I have to give.
Cause maybe, in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back around.
Wait. Face facts. No you're not.
You never will ever again.
Never, ever again.
Never again.
Never.
yesterday, was the day that the seniors get to walk into the auditorium in cap and gown, and everyone celebrates their achievements. Awards are given out, people sing, throw glow sticks, and have a great time. It really was just that- a great time. I saw a lot of my friends in green and white, all ordered up straight and pretty. But then I realized- this is the last party I'm having with them. The last time we'd walk the same halls. Share the same campus. Fight for the same parking spaces.
Today, was even worse. I had to drive into Amherst Street to see a gap where my sister's car is usually parked. And then you look up Beech Street, and the trucks that are normally there, aren't. The blue-grey car with the twenty day plates that sat in Beech Street this week was gone too. I parked myself on Beech Street just so that it wouldn't look so empty. It was empty until almost seven thirty. Everyone I normally see, talk to, and hang out with, was no where in sight.
I walked to each class anxious to see my friends. But I didn't see them. I never realized how difficult it was going to be to not have them here. I guess I just got used to it. But now that they're not here. I don't know what to do with myself. I just can't describe the aching I feel where my heart is supposed to be. I feel like I should be crying, like I should be able to express the emotion that's wrapped up in me right now, but I can't. I know I'll cry eventually, probably at the very last moment, like usual.
It feels like when I had to watch Nick leave in 7th grade. That was so difficult and the pain I felt for the weeks after that were indescribable. I remember them like they were yesterday. But this, this pain, this torture, is worse times a hundred. There's got to be something I can do to make this better for myself. Go to work, go to school, go to the beach, sit out in the sun, listen to music, read a book? Tried it all. Except going to the beach, but that'll come soon. As I was picking out my clothes this morning I was like aww, I look really cute. Oh wait. Who cares. He's not gonna be there to see it.
Because he's never gonna be there anymore. He's left completely without a goodbye. At least with the others I could give them a hug and a thank for everything and a see ya later. But he didn't even give me that. He's completely up and walked out and I can't do it anymore. I don't how the fuck I got so god damned attached, considering we never talk and never see each other. I took every one of those moments for granted this year. I should have taken every opportunity, there's so much more that I could have done.
BUt I didn't do it. Because I'm stupid and didn't do anything. There were so many more times that I could have spoken up or gone to talk to him or anything. I just left it alone. How could I not though? If he wasn't going to try why should I?
You just can't make someone feel something that they don't.
What I feel right now, is something that I have never felt before, I've never been this upset about someone leaving. I've had my fair share of people leaving- but this I can't do. I don't how how to deal with it. I don't know what to do or say or how the hell I'm going to help myself get over it.
Time changes everything, life must go on, and I'm not going to stand in your way.
I think it's because I'm in... never mind. It doesn't matter.
None of it matters anymore. You don't care that I feel this way. I don't even know how it happened for me to feel this way. I don't know how I got to this point. I don't know how to get out of it.
How do I fix this?
It hurts to breathe, it hurts to sit here and think about it hurting, it hurts not to think about it hurting, it hurts to walk around school, it hurts to work, it hurts to write about this, it hurts to text someone about it, it hurts to bring it up at all, it hurts not to talk about it.
Accept it. Just accept the fucking fact that he's gone and he's never going to come back. He doesn't care that your heart races and your hands shake when you get a text from him. He doesn't care that you're down for the count and can't get back up. He. Does. Not. Care. Accept the fact that you're never going to see him again.
So. I'm never going to see you again after tomorrow. When your name is called, I'm going to clap for you. Then you'll walk across the stage and I'll see your face one last time. Then you'll walk off into the sea of green and white, and that'll be it.
What I wouldn't give to just give you a hug right now. Just to tell you that I care. Just to tell you how special you are, no matter how much you frustrate me and how much I get irritated by you. What I wouldn't give..... There is not a single thing that would keep me from making things right for myself.
But, I have nothing to offer you. I'm just me, and that's all I can be. It's not a lot, but it's all I have to give.
Cause maybe, in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back around.
Wait. Face facts. No you're not.
You never will ever again.
Never, ever again.
Never again.
Never.
Friday, June 4, 2010
And it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
I can't undo the mistakes I've made.
When he texted me and said hey, my buddy wants your number, can i give it to him,
bad idea.
That's what started this entire thing. You started by telling me how pretty I am. How attracted you were to me. If I didn't wave when I walked by, you'd beep your horn so that I'd have no choice but to turn around. Every minute was like the warmth from the sun. You made me feel so much better about myself. After spending four years being caught up in someone else, I was finally free to just be his friend. But you didn't see it that way. Even though he's like a brother to me, that's it, that's all he'll ever be, you saw something that wasn't there. You accused me of still having feelings for him. you had no right to tell me what i felt. You didn't know at all. You didn't believe me when I said I didn't. You could have just trusted me.
He said it himself, he would have loved for you to make me happy. As long as I was happy. I was so ready to give it my all, be your everything, stay in it for the long haul. Give you an honest, true relationship. I knew you'd been hurt, I could hear it in your tone and see it in your eyes. I didn't want you hurt anymore. You'd fixed all my hurt, you made it all go away, you made me feel whole again. I wanted to do the same thing for you. But you never gave me that chance. Three times I approached you, told you exactly how I felt. How crazy I am about you.
You chose to ignore that. You chose to go be with someone else. She's totally amazing, rocks your world and makes you want to live a completely different life. Well, you're happy. That's what counts. What about me, though? Do you even care that I sat here all this entire year, only wanting a real chance? I was just a something on the side for you- you always knew I'd be there, waiting in the wings, waiting for my chance.
I can't do that anymore. I refuse to do that anymore. Five more days I have to walk by you, then after that maybe I can start to heal. As I sit here and the tears roll down my face, I wonder what things would have been like if you'd actually have given me the chance? Picture it, ready. Last night we'd be having your tux fitted. Tomorrow morning I'd be getting my hair done, making sure there wasn't a wrinkle in my gown. The cameras would flash, and off we'd go, and spend the night together at prom with all of our friends.
I hate that you've done this to me. I hate that you've taken every last bit of happyness out of me. You took my happy, you made me cry. You took my lonely and took it for a ride. I just want to undo it. I want my happiness back. I want you to realize exactly what you did. I want you to be sorry for it. I want you to see that you hurt people. Good people, who did nothing wrong towards you. Good people who are just trying to find a place where they're loved. I could have loved you with my whole heart, everything I've got. You just didn't take the time to see it.
I'm trying so hard not to be caught up in you. To not freak out every morning when I walk past you. To search around when I know I'll probably see you. I'm trying to make it so that you don't have any control over my emotions. But it's not working. You still have so much power over me.
Someone, please, just make it stop. I can't breathe. You're suffocating me. You took the happiness I had left, please, just stop. I can't beg this of you anymore. I want my heart back, I want you to know that as crazy as I am for you, I'm tired of hurting, you can't hurt me anymore, please, just please, just don't....
I can't undo meeting you. I can't undo inviting you to visit me at work. I can't undo making you cookies from scratch for your birthday. I can't undo the mornings I used to spend at the window of your truck, to barely get acknowledged. I can't undo the feeling I'd get when you used to tell me how good it was to see me.
I can't undo falling so hard for you.
But I wish I could.
Why did you have to do this, and why can't you just take it back.... take it all back.
When he texted me and said hey, my buddy wants your number, can i give it to him,
bad idea.
That's what started this entire thing. You started by telling me how pretty I am. How attracted you were to me. If I didn't wave when I walked by, you'd beep your horn so that I'd have no choice but to turn around. Every minute was like the warmth from the sun. You made me feel so much better about myself. After spending four years being caught up in someone else, I was finally free to just be his friend. But you didn't see it that way. Even though he's like a brother to me, that's it, that's all he'll ever be, you saw something that wasn't there. You accused me of still having feelings for him. you had no right to tell me what i felt. You didn't know at all. You didn't believe me when I said I didn't. You could have just trusted me.
He said it himself, he would have loved for you to make me happy. As long as I was happy. I was so ready to give it my all, be your everything, stay in it for the long haul. Give you an honest, true relationship. I knew you'd been hurt, I could hear it in your tone and see it in your eyes. I didn't want you hurt anymore. You'd fixed all my hurt, you made it all go away, you made me feel whole again. I wanted to do the same thing for you. But you never gave me that chance. Three times I approached you, told you exactly how I felt. How crazy I am about you.
You chose to ignore that. You chose to go be with someone else. She's totally amazing, rocks your world and makes you want to live a completely different life. Well, you're happy. That's what counts. What about me, though? Do you even care that I sat here all this entire year, only wanting a real chance? I was just a something on the side for you- you always knew I'd be there, waiting in the wings, waiting for my chance.
I can't do that anymore. I refuse to do that anymore. Five more days I have to walk by you, then after that maybe I can start to heal. As I sit here and the tears roll down my face, I wonder what things would have been like if you'd actually have given me the chance? Picture it, ready. Last night we'd be having your tux fitted. Tomorrow morning I'd be getting my hair done, making sure there wasn't a wrinkle in my gown. The cameras would flash, and off we'd go, and spend the night together at prom with all of our friends.
I hate that you've done this to me. I hate that you've taken every last bit of happyness out of me. You took my happy, you made me cry. You took my lonely and took it for a ride. I just want to undo it. I want my happiness back. I want you to realize exactly what you did. I want you to be sorry for it. I want you to see that you hurt people. Good people, who did nothing wrong towards you. Good people who are just trying to find a place where they're loved. I could have loved you with my whole heart, everything I've got. You just didn't take the time to see it.
I'm trying so hard not to be caught up in you. To not freak out every morning when I walk past you. To search around when I know I'll probably see you. I'm trying to make it so that you don't have any control over my emotions. But it's not working. You still have so much power over me.
Someone, please, just make it stop. I can't breathe. You're suffocating me. You took the happiness I had left, please, just stop. I can't beg this of you anymore. I want my heart back, I want you to know that as crazy as I am for you, I'm tired of hurting, you can't hurt me anymore, please, just please, just don't....
I can't undo meeting you. I can't undo inviting you to visit me at work. I can't undo making you cookies from scratch for your birthday. I can't undo the mornings I used to spend at the window of your truck, to barely get acknowledged. I can't undo the feeling I'd get when you used to tell me how good it was to see me.
I can't undo falling so hard for you.
But I wish I could.
Why did you have to do this, and why can't you just take it back.... take it all back.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Junior Year
The 2010 School Year is almost at its end.
And now that it is, I take the time to look back and see what exactly made this year what it was. It flashed by in front of my eyes, it's like wow, what the hell just happened?
Main synopsis of the story goes a little something like this--
My best friend broke up with her boyfriend.
And she fell in love with my ex.
I had a major crush on hers.
It all worked out in the end,
She had him, he had her.
They're happy.
I moved on and he's my friend.
All is good.
Then I fell for my ex's friend.
Hard.
He made me feel whole again,
I thought that maybe, this time things were going to be different. Things were going to be better, I was going to be wholeheartedly happy and I was going to love with everything I had. I was in it for the long haul. I opened up, told him everything that makes me me. All the little stories that make up who I am. He took it all, soaked it up, and listened when I was upset. He'd be there for me whenever I needed a shoulder to lean on. He'd visit me on my breaks, and always told me it was good to see me.
Then the secret comes out- he has a girlfriend. And won't break up with her.
So, I did what I had to do and let it go.
And I fell for someone else.
Someone completely different, that my family liked, and was every bit as quirky as I was. He accepted all my little imperfections, infact he embraced them, made them a part of who he was. Together, we conquered everything.
Until it crashed down.
And he let it.
So I went back for the guy who was so good to me in the beginning the last time.
And then he went for someone else.
And a third time's a charm.
He's always picked someone over me.
He never gave me the chance to let me be myself, to prove what kind of person I am, to show how happy I can make him. How I could love with everything that I have, how I could make him smile, how perfectly happy I could have been just sitting next to him in his truck. This entire year all I've tried to do is give my whole heart to him, give him the chance to know that we could have had it all.
He just never let me show him how much he meant to me.
I tried, and tried. I did everything I possibly could. Nothing worked. He wouldn't take the time to see how crazy happy he makes me.
Now he's leaving in eight days, diploma in hand, he's going to forget I ever existed.
Maybe then things will go back to normal.
But until then, I'm just going to stand here and still be crazy about him.
And just hope that eventually, it'll fade away.
Just like he will when he graduates.
I'll do it, even if it kills me.
Which, it just might.
And now that it is, I take the time to look back and see what exactly made this year what it was. It flashed by in front of my eyes, it's like wow, what the hell just happened?
Main synopsis of the story goes a little something like this--
My best friend broke up with her boyfriend.
And she fell in love with my ex.
I had a major crush on hers.
It all worked out in the end,
She had him, he had her.
They're happy.
I moved on and he's my friend.
All is good.
Then I fell for my ex's friend.
Hard.
He made me feel whole again,
I thought that maybe, this time things were going to be different. Things were going to be better, I was going to be wholeheartedly happy and I was going to love with everything I had. I was in it for the long haul. I opened up, told him everything that makes me me. All the little stories that make up who I am. He took it all, soaked it up, and listened when I was upset. He'd be there for me whenever I needed a shoulder to lean on. He'd visit me on my breaks, and always told me it was good to see me.
Then the secret comes out- he has a girlfriend. And won't break up with her.
So, I did what I had to do and let it go.
And I fell for someone else.
Someone completely different, that my family liked, and was every bit as quirky as I was. He accepted all my little imperfections, infact he embraced them, made them a part of who he was. Together, we conquered everything.
Until it crashed down.
And he let it.
So I went back for the guy who was so good to me in the beginning the last time.
And then he went for someone else.
And a third time's a charm.
He's always picked someone over me.
He never gave me the chance to let me be myself, to prove what kind of person I am, to show how happy I can make him. How I could love with everything that I have, how I could make him smile, how perfectly happy I could have been just sitting next to him in his truck. This entire year all I've tried to do is give my whole heart to him, give him the chance to know that we could have had it all.
He just never let me show him how much he meant to me.
I tried, and tried. I did everything I possibly could. Nothing worked. He wouldn't take the time to see how crazy happy he makes me.
Now he's leaving in eight days, diploma in hand, he's going to forget I ever existed.
Maybe then things will go back to normal.
But until then, I'm just going to stand here and still be crazy about him.
And just hope that eventually, it'll fade away.
Just like he will when he graduates.
I'll do it, even if it kills me.
Which, it just might.
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