Okay, I seriously feel like I've fallen out of a tree then gotten run over by a bus. It's ridiculous. I like can't function. But my parents and brother just left for an hour or so, so I am taking advantage of the quiet time to get everything out because otherwise I don't think I'll have the chance over the next few days.
So. Last night. One of the best nights, ever. Period. I punched the mack truck as Kevin would say and went anyways. And I had a really good time. Oh and Taylor, still can't believe you wasted thirty one minutes of my life. Hahah, just kiddinggg :) idk how to explain it besides saying that hanging out and kicking back with real people. Real people who have real emotions, and stand true to their words. It just makes me feel so better knowing that there are people out there who are real and that the others that have influenced me for so long aren't real people. They are broken fragments of soul inside the shape of a human body. That's exactly what they (he) are (is.) It's taken me so long to realize that. But I have.
I just want to take a few seconds before I start ranting to thank Ian. Because there are a very, very short number of people who would answer the phone well past one in the morning, but he did. And he helped me through it. I can't explain enough what having that meant to me. That someone cared enough to talk to me about what had just happened. So Ian, thank you, you really are one of the best friends that I have. And Taylor, you as well, for giving me that boost of confidence that I probably otherwise wouldn't have gotten. No one else was as straightforward with me as you were, and I really appreciate that. Kevin, do I really need to explain what I'm saying thank you for? You were there for me. Period. even though its your fault i'm sick! haha :)
Oh, and Ashleigh, for having a KICKASS party and inviting me :D!
But back to what I was saying before. At said kickass party this morning, I heard some things that... shocked me. I'm not angry, I'm not, let me make that clear. I'm just shocked at some true opinions and a few things that were said I wasn't really sure how to take. It was legitimately, like a slap across the face, a wake up call. But I just want to point out that I do understand a lot of it, and that I do know what I am doing to myself. I know the damage that Nick has put me under. I know how I am trying to fix it. Maybe you don't agree with that, but I'm going off of prior experience. When he tore my heart to shreds the first time, the only thing that fixed it was finding someone to make it whole again. And that's what I'm doing- trying to find that someone who can make me feel better about myself as a person. Because we all know I have issues with myself, like self confidence and image and the like, which all date back to seventh grade.
Finally though, I admitted something that's been on my chest for quite some time now, to the people who can help me about it. Now I just have to decide what to do about it. I have all these opinions in my hand, all of them the same, so I just have to figure out exactly what to do now.
Okay, I'm going back to sleep.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
i can't explain this anymore.
First of all, I hate this shit they call rain. I really do. I'm not sure if anyone that reads this knows the reason as to why, Ian might, I may have told him in my many selfish and sickening rants about myself, but other than that I don't really think anyone else knows. Me and Taylor were talking about this earlier- it's so nice having people around you that understand you and what you're going through. You guys are all like.. my support group for life. Seriously. I mean that. You guys are incredible.
I love having tricks up my sleeve. Legit. Leave it to me and I will have SOMETHING planned. Sure, I have a tangable gift (that still needs wrapping, damnit.) that I'll give, and I'll bring you a pumpkin latte, but I still have something else up my sleeve that you are seriously going to keel over and die for. You really will. I'm serious. I'm so glad I have this planned out- it's going to be fabulous. I'm so excited.
Anyways, so today wasn't all that bad of a day. My day started off pretty bummed out realizing the fact that I can't go to basketball this week, because I'm covering a shift at goodwill tonight since everyone's breaking out with swine flu and such. But since I'm good like that I'm taking the spot. Which I don't mind, I can use the money. It's only a 5 hour shift so it's really not all that horrible. So then I was talking to Scott, and he sensed INSTANTLY that something was wrong- just by the words I was typing into a phone. I really have to give him credit, that's a hard skill to muster up. Ask Ian- he's one of the only people who can tell when I'm completely bullshitting about what I'm feeling. But Scott DID that! And somehow cheered me up (even though I didn't particularly need it in the first place?) but I was walking up going to meet Ash, and he says, "no hi, no wave, no smile, nothing?" and i just looked at him and he's like come say hi! and so i did. and Since i have the BEST BEST FRIEND EVER, she met me down there :) i dunno, something about the fact that he knew and cared about what was wrong was awesome. Even if he didn't care enough to follow through on it, it's okay. He's a guy. It's typical. Small steps, small steps.
So now I'm left feeling hopeful that in due time, things with Scott might work out. Maybe not today. And maybe not for awhile. But maybe. Maybe not, and that's a bridge that I am capable of dealing with should it come down to it. But I'm gonna be positive. His eyes are so expressive- I can see his feelings in his eyes.
Plus, the gf isn't the background on his phone anymore. :D fantastic.
I'm making progress.
I feel like such a homewrecker, I really do.
But in the end you can only make yourself happy I suppose.
Am I wrong to be doing this?
I love having tricks up my sleeve. Legit. Leave it to me and I will have SOMETHING planned. Sure, I have a tangable gift (that still needs wrapping, damnit.) that I'll give, and I'll bring you a pumpkin latte, but I still have something else up my sleeve that you are seriously going to keel over and die for. You really will. I'm serious. I'm so glad I have this planned out- it's going to be fabulous. I'm so excited.
Anyways, so today wasn't all that bad of a day. My day started off pretty bummed out realizing the fact that I can't go to basketball this week, because I'm covering a shift at goodwill tonight since everyone's breaking out with swine flu and such. But since I'm good like that I'm taking the spot. Which I don't mind, I can use the money. It's only a 5 hour shift so it's really not all that horrible. So then I was talking to Scott, and he sensed INSTANTLY that something was wrong- just by the words I was typing into a phone. I really have to give him credit, that's a hard skill to muster up. Ask Ian- he's one of the only people who can tell when I'm completely bullshitting about what I'm feeling. But Scott DID that! And somehow cheered me up (even though I didn't particularly need it in the first place?) but I was walking up going to meet Ash, and he says, "no hi, no wave, no smile, nothing?" and i just looked at him and he's like come say hi! and so i did. and Since i have the BEST BEST FRIEND EVER, she met me down there :) i dunno, something about the fact that he knew and cared about what was wrong was awesome. Even if he didn't care enough to follow through on it, it's okay. He's a guy. It's typical. Small steps, small steps.
So now I'm left feeling hopeful that in due time, things with Scott might work out. Maybe not today. And maybe not for awhile. But maybe. Maybe not, and that's a bridge that I am capable of dealing with should it come down to it. But I'm gonna be positive. His eyes are so expressive- I can see his feelings in his eyes.
Plus, the gf isn't the background on his phone anymore. :D fantastic.
I'm making progress.
I feel like such a homewrecker, I really do.
But in the end you can only make yourself happy I suppose.
Am I wrong to be doing this?
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
he's the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes
So. After a crappy day, genuinely, I'm finally walking down the hallway to get in my freaking car and just freaking drive home.
but BAM! there's the one, the only, taylor :)
I seriously had a spasm of overjoy excitement. and i dont even really know why to be quite honest. we never see each other. like....ever. once in awhile. but just unexpectedly seeing him was amazinggg. it just like... overturned everything that had happened in the previous hours.
so now i am home, with no homework because all my teachers are amazing, today anyway, and i took the longest hottest shower i have ever taken in the past like six months, so now i am feeling so much incredibly better. because hey, no one is here to tell me not to :)
music's wayyy up, and now i am going to go find something fantastic to make myself for lunch.
we'll see how work goes...
"Are we going up, or just going down? It's just a matter of time until we're all found out"
but BAM! there's the one, the only, taylor :)
I seriously had a spasm of overjoy excitement. and i dont even really know why to be quite honest. we never see each other. like....ever. once in awhile. but just unexpectedly seeing him was amazinggg. it just like... overturned everything that had happened in the previous hours.
so now i am home, with no homework because all my teachers are amazing, today anyway, and i took the longest hottest shower i have ever taken in the past like six months, so now i am feeling so much incredibly better. because hey, no one is here to tell me not to :)
music's wayyy up, and now i am going to go find something fantastic to make myself for lunch.
we'll see how work goes...
"Are we going up, or just going down? It's just a matter of time until we're all found out"
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
He's candy coated misery.
I really had no idea what I was going to blog about today, because I feel so bogged down with emotion (is bogged a word? not sure..) that I couldn't even put words to it or make it into anything worth reading.
But none of my blogs are really worth reading anyways.
So I figured I'd go see what's going on in everyone elses lives, and read on Ian's of his participation of to write love on her arms :) which is great by the way, everyone should be participating, according to facebook its next friday the 13th so everyone should! I've participated the past few they've had, and it really hits home to me. Simply because I've been there. I've been depressed. I've needed the love and support of others to make it through. I know exactly how it feels. So I will proudly write love on my arm as big as i possibly can while it still looking good. Because people where there for me when I needed them most. And I'll show everyone that I'm there for them too.
Continuing on with this whole love thing, I guess I'll jump right into what's on my mind. And what would that be? That would be that this situation is the exact same situation I was in last year. And I lost so much last year. I lost so much of who I was and my self esteem and everything of that sort. Now it's happening all over again. Why do I ALWAYS FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS?! Because I'm not smart, and have absolutely no common sense. But it is as my sister has always said, it doesn't matter who it is, as long as you are happy, because you can't help who you have feelings for.
Which is true you know. I can't help having feelings for Scott. I just do. It is what it is. But am I happy, eh, that's debatable. I'm not so sure that I am. Because this situation is so similiar to that past one that it's hard to be in it all over again. Since I give the benefit of the doubt so much, I'm giving him the option that this could turn out differently. I'm praying to God every moment of every day that this WILL be different, that this WILL work out in my favor, because I deserve to be happy... I think?
Thinking on it though, do I really deserve to be happy? What have I done to deserve it? I made life miserable for so many people for so many years and those people who are still standing beside me, God bless you, seriously, because you have more strength than anyone for putting up with me. I start too much shit with people, and I'm really not worth the time for anyone. I honestly wonder why I have friends sometimes.
Don't ask why I'm in such a horrible mood, because I don't really know. I don't know what brought this on. It was just completely random. I got this instant surge of pain today when I realized that this situation that I'm in with Scott is the exact situation that I was in with Nick for the majority of last year. And the scars from the Nick situation only being minor marks on the surface now, having had some time to stitch back up, makes them gash back open again. Brings back all the memories of what little light in the tunnel there was and makes me wonder where things went wrong. But obviously it was of my own fault, because he switched away from me in a matter of seconds when he found someone better. Which I can't blame him for, she's absolutely amazing and better than I could ever dream of being. And that's one of the reasons why she's one of my best friends- she brings out the best in me. Even if that's the past now too, it doesn't matter, it's the same feeling right here, right now, today. Now I don't know the other girl in this situation. I don't want to either. But I know that now I'm left with this situation in my face again waiting for him to decide if I'm worth leaving her over.
But I'm not, and I know it. I mean, until I hear the words directly, I can't abandon all hope, because without SOME hope I wouldn't be able to function much if at all. I need SOME hope. But I'm starting to lose all of it. All the hope. the faith. the dreams. everything. I don't know how to do it anymore. How to keep walking with my head held high when I know you're only feet away, sitting in your truck, watching me walk right past you, and not doing a damn thing about it until you see me meet up with another guy and watch him pick me up in a huge hug. Because that's what my friends are there for. But you don't see it that way. Do you understand that that's how I feel knowing in the back of my mind that what I've worked so hard for is being cancelled out at every second because of someone else?
This is eating away at me, and I can't do it anymore. I've tried to talk to you- but something else always gets in the way.
It's not in the cards for me I guess. I'm not supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to help everyone else find their place in the world, so that's what I'm going to do.
In the mean time, it's 1 month and 21 days until I win the bet.
But none of my blogs are really worth reading anyways.
So I figured I'd go see what's going on in everyone elses lives, and read on Ian's of his participation of to write love on her arms :) which is great by the way, everyone should be participating, according to facebook its next friday the 13th so everyone should! I've participated the past few they've had, and it really hits home to me. Simply because I've been there. I've been depressed. I've needed the love and support of others to make it through. I know exactly how it feels. So I will proudly write love on my arm as big as i possibly can while it still looking good. Because people where there for me when I needed them most. And I'll show everyone that I'm there for them too.
Continuing on with this whole love thing, I guess I'll jump right into what's on my mind. And what would that be? That would be that this situation is the exact same situation I was in last year. And I lost so much last year. I lost so much of who I was and my self esteem and everything of that sort. Now it's happening all over again. Why do I ALWAYS FALL FOR THE WRONG GUYS?! Because I'm not smart, and have absolutely no common sense. But it is as my sister has always said, it doesn't matter who it is, as long as you are happy, because you can't help who you have feelings for.
Which is true you know. I can't help having feelings for Scott. I just do. It is what it is. But am I happy, eh, that's debatable. I'm not so sure that I am. Because this situation is so similiar to that past one that it's hard to be in it all over again. Since I give the benefit of the doubt so much, I'm giving him the option that this could turn out differently. I'm praying to God every moment of every day that this WILL be different, that this WILL work out in my favor, because I deserve to be happy... I think?
Thinking on it though, do I really deserve to be happy? What have I done to deserve it? I made life miserable for so many people for so many years and those people who are still standing beside me, God bless you, seriously, because you have more strength than anyone for putting up with me. I start too much shit with people, and I'm really not worth the time for anyone. I honestly wonder why I have friends sometimes.
Don't ask why I'm in such a horrible mood, because I don't really know. I don't know what brought this on. It was just completely random. I got this instant surge of pain today when I realized that this situation that I'm in with Scott is the exact situation that I was in with Nick for the majority of last year. And the scars from the Nick situation only being minor marks on the surface now, having had some time to stitch back up, makes them gash back open again. Brings back all the memories of what little light in the tunnel there was and makes me wonder where things went wrong. But obviously it was of my own fault, because he switched away from me in a matter of seconds when he found someone better. Which I can't blame him for, she's absolutely amazing and better than I could ever dream of being. And that's one of the reasons why she's one of my best friends- she brings out the best in me. Even if that's the past now too, it doesn't matter, it's the same feeling right here, right now, today. Now I don't know the other girl in this situation. I don't want to either. But I know that now I'm left with this situation in my face again waiting for him to decide if I'm worth leaving her over.
But I'm not, and I know it. I mean, until I hear the words directly, I can't abandon all hope, because without SOME hope I wouldn't be able to function much if at all. I need SOME hope. But I'm starting to lose all of it. All the hope. the faith. the dreams. everything. I don't know how to do it anymore. How to keep walking with my head held high when I know you're only feet away, sitting in your truck, watching me walk right past you, and not doing a damn thing about it until you see me meet up with another guy and watch him pick me up in a huge hug. Because that's what my friends are there for. But you don't see it that way. Do you understand that that's how I feel knowing in the back of my mind that what I've worked so hard for is being cancelled out at every second because of someone else?
This is eating away at me, and I can't do it anymore. I've tried to talk to you- but something else always gets in the way.
It's not in the cards for me I guess. I'm not supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to help everyone else find their place in the world, so that's what I'm going to do.
In the mean time, it's 1 month and 21 days until I win the bet.
Monday, November 2, 2009
He's a, a good time, coyboy casanova.
I'm going to try not to be offensive because that's not really the message I want to portray. But I'll say whatever I need to say to make my point...
The two of you are FINALLY talking on DECENT terms again, which I have to say in and of itself is downright amazing, and makes me super happy. What it is that you've come to join over doesn't really thrill me all that much. Yeah, I'm talking about myself here. Everyone is telling me to completely stop talking to him and not go near him and all this such bullshit when you don't even know half the story. He genuinely has feelings for me. I know he does. He's even said it himself. The gf is just a bump in the road. I don't care who you are, ending relationships are hard, even if it's to go be with someone else. It's still hard. But what's really going on is we're going to talk about it. just me and him. no one else around. we need to seriously talk and i need to find out if i'm worth anything to him and if i'm worth leaving his gf over. and if i am, then i'm going to be happy with that and wait for that time to come. and if i'm not, i'm going to accept that and walk away.
now everyone wants me to pick the latter of the two, and just walk away regardless. but these past couple weeks or however long its been that i've been talking to him i've felt so much better about myself as an individual so i'm sorry if i'm not quite willing to give that up just yet. there's been empty holes and spaces for so long that are finally filled and i don't want that to go away. i've felt empty ever since nick dumped me and scott makes me feel whole again. repaired, fixed, completed, whatever. and i've officially lost nick for good, whether as a friend or otherwise, and part of that was my decision on my own, because of the fact that he was interfering in this... courtship between me and scott and neither of us were really happy about it. so me and scott decided it would be best for me not to talk to him. actually just kidding. i decided that. scott was behind whatever i chose either way and in the end i decided that nick's not interfering in my life anymore. he's done breaking me into pieces.
scott was the one guy who actually helped put me back together, make me feel better about who i am. i have great friends, who i love all til the end, and they do make me feel better. you guys do, honestly, you do. i can never thank you guys enough for the things you have done for me in the past. but at this particular moment, i need to fix things with scott. talk to him and work it out.
and what i need more than anything is unbiased support. i need you guys there for me so that i know that if i fall someone will be there. i know you guys don't like scott. i understand that. it happens. but i do. he makes me happy. and i hope that you guys can be okay with the fact that even though you don't like him you like the fact that he's been there for me more than any other guy (in a relationship kind of way) has ever been in my past and that's what i really need right now, is that strong shoulder to be leaning against.
my friends have been my rock always, and they will always continue to be that way no matter what. i just hope that they can see beyond him, beyond who is friends are, and whatever else they don't like about him. and see the part of him that cares about me. the part of him that wants to be with me. the part of him that makes me happy with who i am standing here right now.
But enough has come to enough, and i'm ready to straighten all of this out, with everybody. so the final word in this situation is, if he says that i have that chance, to be with him, to be his, then i am going to take it. and if he says that i'm not, i'm going to walk away. and if that does happen, i'm going to need you guys behind me. and if i do get that chance, i'm going to need you guys behind me as well.
i'm overjoyed by the fact that i'm being watched over by people who really care. i just need those people to be there for me like they are right now. i need them to be there for me always. regardless of who he is.
Scott makes me happy, and my friends make me happy. I'm not going to compromise one for the other. I'm not going to ditch scott for my friends. and i'm not going to ditch my friends for scott. I need an equal balance, equilibrium and all that jazz.
I need Scott. Just like I need Ashleigh, and Ian, and Kevin, and Taylor, and everyone else who may or may not be reading this.
I love you guys, thanks for everything that you've been doing. I need you guys to know that I do appreciate it all, so much, but I also need you guys to know that I need to know for sure that you'll be behind me if I get that chance to be happy with Scott.
Thats what I'm afraid of, that's why I'm upset. Because I'm afraid that I'm going to be alone in the end.
And I can't have that... :(
The two of you are FINALLY talking on DECENT terms again, which I have to say in and of itself is downright amazing, and makes me super happy. What it is that you've come to join over doesn't really thrill me all that much. Yeah, I'm talking about myself here. Everyone is telling me to completely stop talking to him and not go near him and all this such bullshit when you don't even know half the story. He genuinely has feelings for me. I know he does. He's even said it himself. The gf is just a bump in the road. I don't care who you are, ending relationships are hard, even if it's to go be with someone else. It's still hard. But what's really going on is we're going to talk about it. just me and him. no one else around. we need to seriously talk and i need to find out if i'm worth anything to him and if i'm worth leaving his gf over. and if i am, then i'm going to be happy with that and wait for that time to come. and if i'm not, i'm going to accept that and walk away.
now everyone wants me to pick the latter of the two, and just walk away regardless. but these past couple weeks or however long its been that i've been talking to him i've felt so much better about myself as an individual so i'm sorry if i'm not quite willing to give that up just yet. there's been empty holes and spaces for so long that are finally filled and i don't want that to go away. i've felt empty ever since nick dumped me and scott makes me feel whole again. repaired, fixed, completed, whatever. and i've officially lost nick for good, whether as a friend or otherwise, and part of that was my decision on my own, because of the fact that he was interfering in this... courtship between me and scott and neither of us were really happy about it. so me and scott decided it would be best for me not to talk to him. actually just kidding. i decided that. scott was behind whatever i chose either way and in the end i decided that nick's not interfering in my life anymore. he's done breaking me into pieces.
scott was the one guy who actually helped put me back together, make me feel better about who i am. i have great friends, who i love all til the end, and they do make me feel better. you guys do, honestly, you do. i can never thank you guys enough for the things you have done for me in the past. but at this particular moment, i need to fix things with scott. talk to him and work it out.
and what i need more than anything is unbiased support. i need you guys there for me so that i know that if i fall someone will be there. i know you guys don't like scott. i understand that. it happens. but i do. he makes me happy. and i hope that you guys can be okay with the fact that even though you don't like him you like the fact that he's been there for me more than any other guy (in a relationship kind of way) has ever been in my past and that's what i really need right now, is that strong shoulder to be leaning against.
my friends have been my rock always, and they will always continue to be that way no matter what. i just hope that they can see beyond him, beyond who is friends are, and whatever else they don't like about him. and see the part of him that cares about me. the part of him that wants to be with me. the part of him that makes me happy with who i am standing here right now.
But enough has come to enough, and i'm ready to straighten all of this out, with everybody. so the final word in this situation is, if he says that i have that chance, to be with him, to be his, then i am going to take it. and if he says that i'm not, i'm going to walk away. and if that does happen, i'm going to need you guys behind me. and if i do get that chance, i'm going to need you guys behind me as well.
i'm overjoyed by the fact that i'm being watched over by people who really care. i just need those people to be there for me like they are right now. i need them to be there for me always. regardless of who he is.
Scott makes me happy, and my friends make me happy. I'm not going to compromise one for the other. I'm not going to ditch scott for my friends. and i'm not going to ditch my friends for scott. I need an equal balance, equilibrium and all that jazz.
I need Scott. Just like I need Ashleigh, and Ian, and Kevin, and Taylor, and everyone else who may or may not be reading this.
I love you guys, thanks for everything that you've been doing. I need you guys to know that I do appreciate it all, so much, but I also need you guys to know that I need to know for sure that you'll be behind me if I get that chance to be happy with Scott.
Thats what I'm afraid of, that's why I'm upset. Because I'm afraid that I'm going to be alone in the end.
And I can't have that... :(
Sunday, November 1, 2009
We Can Talk Later.
I can't even find a solid place to begin to talk about what's going through my mind right now. How badly I feel, how much I just want to go out there, grab you right by the neck and choke you until you feel some sort of pain in remorse for all the hell you've been putting me through.
So I was at work, having a really good day actually, since it was Halloween and everything, all dressed up in a completely adorable costume if I do say so myself. I get on my lunch break, text him, and he says that on my next break he'll stop by if he's not out hunting. So next break comes, and so I ask if he's coming.
His response? No, I'm at home. With my girlfriend.
Then he decides that it's okay to be angry with me when I tell him not to wonder why I'm upset. If anyone gets to be upset here it's me. I'm the one who just got toyed with, I'm the one that just got screwed. Do you even understand how it feels to be the one that was cheated WITH? It makes me wonder. Is it me that you want to be with? Because if I was, wouldn't you leave her and be with me? Or am I just some sort of "i'll get back at her because she cheated on me?"
Either way, that leaves me broken and hurting and alone in the end. Either way I get screwed. Just like I did. It feels like someone cut the veins that lead to my heart and so now blood can't pump through the rest of my body. I've said this before I'll say it again- when you mess with the heart you mess with everything else. Simple human anatomy, you know.
I just want to sit down and talk to him. Just me and him. No cell phones, none of his friends all up in my face, and none of mine all up in his. I know you guys are going to call me insane for wanting to try to fix things with him but it's hard knowing what I want and finding out that some outside force that I can't control is standing in my way.
It hurts too much to know that he has someone else. I always thought that I was finally special and important to somebody. But I guess that's just not true either. I just want to be far away from everyone and everything.
HEY! I JUST REALIZED! We have Tuesday off. Ahh this makes me feel so much better :)
Anyway, back to what I was saying before.. I can't do this anymore. I can't be here. I can't work, because I can't be around people. I can't go to school- too many faces are going to tell me either a) that it'll all be okay or b) he's not worth it and to move on. Both are not true so I'm not going to listen to that. I can't live here anymore. I want to move out far somewhere and start over, new life.
Tear off my rearview mirror and never look back. Leave this house, this town, this life. I want out.
Now obviously that's not going to happen so I'm just going to have to embrace this and know that I'm weak and... try to figure something out.
When is it going to stop hurting?
...will it ever?
So I was at work, having a really good day actually, since it was Halloween and everything, all dressed up in a completely adorable costume if I do say so myself. I get on my lunch break, text him, and he says that on my next break he'll stop by if he's not out hunting. So next break comes, and so I ask if he's coming.
His response? No, I'm at home. With my girlfriend.
Then he decides that it's okay to be angry with me when I tell him not to wonder why I'm upset. If anyone gets to be upset here it's me. I'm the one who just got toyed with, I'm the one that just got screwed. Do you even understand how it feels to be the one that was cheated WITH? It makes me wonder. Is it me that you want to be with? Because if I was, wouldn't you leave her and be with me? Or am I just some sort of "i'll get back at her because she cheated on me?"
Either way, that leaves me broken and hurting and alone in the end. Either way I get screwed. Just like I did. It feels like someone cut the veins that lead to my heart and so now blood can't pump through the rest of my body. I've said this before I'll say it again- when you mess with the heart you mess with everything else. Simple human anatomy, you know.
I just want to sit down and talk to him. Just me and him. No cell phones, none of his friends all up in my face, and none of mine all up in his. I know you guys are going to call me insane for wanting to try to fix things with him but it's hard knowing what I want and finding out that some outside force that I can't control is standing in my way.
It hurts too much to know that he has someone else. I always thought that I was finally special and important to somebody. But I guess that's just not true either. I just want to be far away from everyone and everything.
HEY! I JUST REALIZED! We have Tuesday off. Ahh this makes me feel so much better :)
Anyway, back to what I was saying before.. I can't do this anymore. I can't be here. I can't work, because I can't be around people. I can't go to school- too many faces are going to tell me either a) that it'll all be okay or b) he's not worth it and to move on. Both are not true so I'm not going to listen to that. I can't live here anymore. I want to move out far somewhere and start over, new life.
Tear off my rearview mirror and never look back. Leave this house, this town, this life. I want out.
Now obviously that's not going to happen so I'm just going to have to embrace this and know that I'm weak and... try to figure something out.
When is it going to stop hurting?
...will it ever?
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