I'm just gonna be me tonight, if that's okay....

The past few days have been... eventful, to say the least.

Looking back I realize how much I've lost.

One year ago today, I was working no more than 13 hours per week. I was getting ready to drive, looking for cars, saving up for drivers ed. I was happy with the guy I was trying to make things work with. Nothing was stressful, I was almost done with CCD, and everything was right with the world.

Now fast forward to today. I work two jobs- with over forty hours totalling next week. I have my license- and my car- which is why I have both jobs. I'm no longer happy with that guy, in fact we fought most of this past year. Which has been completely typical with us. I'm not happy. He is. And I'm so happy for him because she is everything that I never will be, and I have whole heartedly accepted that, and can't blame myself for it. They fit together like... puzzle pieces. They complete each other, make each other whole, and love with everything they've got.

I wish I could say the same.

One year ago, I spent a lot of time with my family. Now, I see my family for approximately 15 minutes of the 24 hour day. Between the time that I finish getting ready for school and the time I actually leave for school is the only time I spend with them. I eat one meal a week with my brother. When I get home from school, I go to work. I come home and everyone is asleep or close to it, and I'm wiped out myself. I get up, shower, get ready for the day, and do it all over again. Then on my weekends, I see them in the morning. And then work the whole day. And see them at night, if I don't have plans.

I wish I had more time to spend with them.

Then I got home today from school, and my mom was home sick. She's been home sick every day this week. She's had three doctors appointments in those days and they don't know what's wrong with her. At all. They've given her stress relief pills crap, but they're making everything worse. And I come home to see her asleep on the couch. Again. Because she can't sleep at night.

There's too much going on in my parent's lives.

We own our own business. And it's tight. All the time. The phone doesn't ring for jobs. The crane doesn't leave the garage half the time. The schedule remains blank. This is the time of the year when work is supposed to be at it's peak- and it's at some of the slowest it's been.

And the repairs stack up, too. There's always things to grease and paint and take care of.

With no money coming in, it has to come from somewhere else.

My mom's own job deals with people every day, mostly ones who yell at her for things she has no control over anyway. Then she has our company to worry about. And my brother on top of all of it.

It's not healthy- and they're doing everything they can to take care of it.

It worries me too- not about all that crap, because I know it'll all iron out eventually, business will boom again or we'll just close the doors and find something else, I'm not at all worried about it. My mom's job, she can always tell them to stick it, she's been there longer than my brother's been born so over 19 years, she's earned it. As for my brother, he has his good and bad days like the rest of us. It's okay.

Hey, slow it down. Whatta want from me? Whatta want from me?
Yeah, I'm afraid. Whatta want from me?

just dont give up, i'm walkin it out. please dont give in, i wont let you down...

now back to me.

It's Friday night, and my only night off for the next week. And what am I doing?
Absolutely nothing.

I had two guys both ask to hang out (individually, of course) on my next day off.

Now one I'd hang out with over the other, so I let him know that I'm free tonight.

That was Wednesday afternoon. I haven't heard from him since.

He's taking everything out ofme and making me feel... the heartbreak all over again. And god damnit for the love of all that's holy, he shouldn't be making me feel this way. I even asked what the hell I did to make him not talk to me. And got no answer. He's tearing me apart, I can't stand the sight of myself, because I know it's something I did. Something I may have said, most likely. And I hate myself for screwing it all up again. It's not fair. I should be with him right now. But i'm not. Because I can't do anything right and I keep screwing everything up.

I drove him to her- and that's why they're probably together agian. No matter what anyone else may say or think about it, it's the truth. It's my fault that I feel this way. And that adds to it so much. I hate the fact that he's controlling everything I feel and every emotion that I have and he's not even trying- it just happens.

I want it to stop.

I know I could have it so much worse, that there are so many others who deal with things so much worse than I do. And I understand that, and agree. But those people who have more on their plates can do it. They're strong with broad shoulders.

I'm not.

This feeling that I've felt the last few weeks or so, it's been so hard to deal with, and I can't get it to go away. I can numb it, for a few minutes here and there, but it doesn't ever go away. I wish he didn't have such a reign over me. cause, he doesn't. But it feels like he does.

Why doesn't it ever get any better?

Thank god it's vacation, I won't have to be reminded of him at all for the next nine days.

Will that be a good thing, or will it just drive me beyond this feeling into something even more worse?

I'm not sure, I guess I'll just have to find out.

Junior Semi. (:

Oh wait, I didn't go.

I made a poor decision and didn't take time for myself. I stayed at the store till past ten at night and worked my ass off all for nothing.

I'm so disappointed with myself right now. For not taking the chance to do something for myself. I'm always doing things for everyone else. Like, I work on my two days off to help out my old boss and some old friends. I work on the night of junior semi to do my new boss a favor. I babysit on my only Saturday night off in forever to help out my parents. Everything I do is for someone else- and never for myself.

And in return everyone leaves me.

i open myself and let someone in who i think is special and then it just ends up that they're all stupid and they all hurt me

when is it going to get any better?

i miss everything that makes me think of you.
music. sunlight. volkswagon cars.
the color blue. beamers. aprons.
pink hats. plaid hoodies. ripped jeans.
leather seats. snow fall. ice scrapers.
perfume. battleship. spaghetti.
sundays. 7:05 AM. poems.
abercrombie skirts. mountain dew. fireworks.
boston. spinning out. flat tires.
christmas trees. mac and cheese. iPhones.
flash drives. donations. sunglasses.
the park bench. Hanover St. Monday nights.
Cages. Boxes. Fitting rooms.
Linens. Black chairs. facebook.
chicken fingers. shrimp. rice.
horror films. sick days. sweats.

but now it's all memories.

this is how you remind me of what i really am.

i wish "respect" was mutually understood.

I'm so sick of going everywhere in life by myself.
I'm at the point where people can't even return a simple flipping text message from three days ago.
If you don't wanna go just say no. It's not that hard. I would have understood.
If you don't like someone you work with, don't give them an attitude. Just don't work side by side with them. Let them go their way and if they try to help you out by mentioning something you're doing wrong, don't give them hell and then tell everyone what didn't actually happen to the point where you're crying on the sales floor and have to run out back so customers dont see you.
If you feel like someone at work excluded you from something, don't yell at them in front of the rest of the employees. Don't give them crap for it if you don't mean it, if it was completely harmless and actually had nothing to do with you because you don't even work at the same time that the other person does.
If you need more hours at work and want to win an inhouse competition that you already have in the bag, don't take the hours from someone else who needs them just as bad as you do.
If you're going to break a person's heart by deciding to date someone else and not tell them, don't ignore them and act like you don't know them. Don't snap your neck in the opposite direction and keep walking without acknowloging that they're there, no matter who they're talking to.
If you're going to tell someone that you hate someone that they don't like, don't turn around and tell them how pretty they are and that they should totally hang out soon. If you don't hate them like you say you do, just say it straight out.
If you're going to be upset with someone, don't completely ignore them when they're used to seeing you in the morning. Don't just not text them to tell them that you're there. Just at least tell them you don't want to talk to them.

It would just be so much easier if everyone just came out and say what they feel, and what they think of things, because otherwise it just leads for people to the point where they're sick all the time, and don't eat, and hardly get any sleep. It's not right for a person to get themselves all tied up into knots because of the way that everyone in their life treats them. One person shouldn't have to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders (since she pulled all the muscles in it, after all.) One person who is sixteen freaking years old shouldn't be under all of this.

I'm not doing this anymore.

So everyone needs to just cut the crap before I snap and fall in a heap somewhere.

But who'd actually come looking for me?

Hmm. point proven.

I Don't Like This.

I'm not really sure what happened, but what I can say is when you're already on edge, and someone else comes in, puts a little more on your plate, and doesn't understand that this is just the cherry on the flipping sundae, and then they flip out at you for apparently flipping out on them, when you most definitely didn't.

For those of you who really care, one of my best friends was in the hospital this past week. And it made me really scared because I don't like hospitals. Bad things have happened to me in those places and I just can't do it. I can't hear that someone so important to me is confined in those walls.

I wanted to get there, to see her and be with her but I couldn't. Like literally my schedule wouldn't allow it, but if I could have I would have fought against myself and gone in there and been by her side, all night if I had to, anything for her.

So I sat in the classroom all week anxiously awaiting word from her other half to let me know what was going on, and thank god for him. He kept me updated with everything, I always knew what was going on, and I seriously can't thank him for that. I couldn't be there but he made sure I knew everything that was happening;

Most importantly that she was going to be okay.

It was scary as hell not knowing what was going to happen, it was like reliving my uncle's accident all over again. And it's difficult to say the very least. And now I can finally breathe again, that she's home and safe and he's there to take care of her and love her and be her rock. And she's going to be just fine. (:

So when someone says, we need to talk, about you, it makes me a little more apprehensive than I already was. And by you making me wait some more to tell me whatever it is you wanted to tell me about myself, it enlarged the scale and made things so much worse. I tried to tell you that I was already going through a lot and that I couldn't deal with that in addition, and you took that as me flipping out on you.

Trust me. I wasn't flipping out on you.

So I don't really have anything else left to say except that it's not my fault that you flipped my words into something they weren't, but i'm serious when I say no one can tell me what to do. So you don't get to tell me to calm down or chill out when my best friend is sitting in a hospital bed and there's nothing I can do about it.

That's all I have to say, if you want to stay pissed off at me then fine, you go right ahead. I'm not gonna stop you. If you want to use me to be angry with, fine. Do it. All that emotion is gonna go somewhere, so why not me, right?

Now who's the emotional punching bag?

The week in rap

Not really, cause I don't rap, but I'm gonna write about the week.

Sunday. Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Work. (enough said about that.)

Monday, I asked if you'd be my date to junior semi. You asked when and where. So I told you.

No response.

Tuesday, I say just let me know by Friday if you're gonna come with me.

No response.

Thursday night, I ask if I'm buying 1 ticket or 2.

No response.

Friday morning- Looks like one then, I say.

No response.

You know what bugs me? When people just drop out of each other's lives with no explanation as to why, it kinda makes you feel like shit, ya know?

No response to that either.

Which means you really just don't care.

What you don't realize is that you have sunken me down into that hole that I was in four years ago, that took me over four years to get out of.

I'm sorry but I don't have four years to waste on you.

Get off your high horse, give me some respect, and just tell me that you want nothing to do with me.

It'd be a lot easier that way...

But until then, I'm going to dream of the time when things were good and realize that they never will be again because I was never good enough for you, apparently.

I gave you my whole heart, I opened up to you, I told you things I would have never said to anyone else. And you blocked me out.

You built me up to break me down.

After you promised that you'd help keep me happy- so that I wouldn't go back to my old ways.

What kind of person breaks a promise like that?

why don't you stay?
i'm down on my knees
i'm so tired of being lonely
i can give you what you need
when she calls you to go
there is one thing you should know
i don't have to live this way
so why don't you stay?


life crumbles
you pick it back up
make it whole again
and it'll just fall apart
people change
people come
people go
there's no way to explain it
it just is what it is
today is today,
tomorrow is a mystery.
anything beyond that
you can't worry about
until it gets here.
i'll fix this somehow
i'll grab my life by the neck
shake it loose
kill it if i have to
and start it all over again.
make things right,
make myself smile,
be the person i want to be.
today is today,
tomorrow a mystery.