So yesterday I lied when I said making a person feel not good enough is worse- telling them not to talk to you is the worst. Period. It doesn't get any worse than that. No one understands the full impact that those words have on me. Especially from him.
And. I don't understand how people can be classified by the people they talk to. How am I a whore for talking to him? He's a good person. He's YOUR friend in the first place. So I really don't understand. But I also don't care. Because he's not a bad person.
I hate how on my way home, I start listening to CD on the 8th track, and I actually turned up the volume and kept it there. 9th track, didn't really pay attention to, cause why? oh yeah, I almost got T-Boned by some idiot on a cell phone. Mhmmm. So then, 10th track, and I just break down. Completely. And I'm really not even sure why.
BUT. I have a few ideas.
I'm so done being toyed with and being labeled as something that I'm not. At all. And the fact that people are willing to bet on stupid things like my happiness or who I'm going to go to when I get hurt. Not if, when. Isn't that really nice? And put money on it. And then get pissed when they don't get their money. Do I really need a price tag that badly? I know I have one on my work I.D that says $1199.99 but seriously. That was a joke. This wasn't.
I've begun to understand why people are starting to drop out of their friend's lives, when they used to all be so close in a nice tight circle. And what I've decided is that since I have come into that circle, it's been so disrupted. I've watched as it fell apart since I joined it and it's only continued to crumble and it's gotten worse and worse. After that, new smaller circles start, and now even those are starting to dimish. See what I've done? See what I started? But I honestly have to say that I understand why some people have chosen to left, and I have to partially agree with them on that decision, and contimplate it now myself.
Sometimes you start to wonder when it gets to be too much, and if in the end it'll be worth it.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Fury
The absolute worst feeling that you can make a person feel is that they're not good enough. Not just for a short amount of time, either. For over four years. And now that it has been better explained, I understand. I understand that I was never good enough. Even when you said I was. I wasn't. Even when I've moved on in my life you still find ways to come back and hurt me... you still do. But now I understand why I don't make you happy, why I never did.
It's just so frustrating being second. Being someone's consolation prize. Being the next best because for some reason, the best is out of reach. I'm so done being settled for. It's the kind of thing where all you want is someone who is going to want you for you, just you, not because someone else isn't around or in the picture. It hurts, so much, to be skipped over.
But you know what else? It's all okay. Because you hurt me, because you did this, you've made me into a better person and made me stronger. And I think, that finally, after all has been said and done, it's officially over. I'll always care because you've been there for me in a lot of tight spots, and I appreciate that, I really do, but other than that, we're finished here.
After all that, there's still ways to smile. There's so much to be happy about, so many reasons to show the world that I consider myself lucky. When you find someone else, someone so much better, that you can talk to, really talk to, without judgement. And that someone fills the spaces that had been empty and longing for so long. The simple things, like, seeing their name on your phone, and when it makes you smile, all the hurt from the past, just fades. None of the past matters anymore, because there's someone that's now better than the other ever could be.
Even if there's a possibility that things won't work out in your favor, you know in the back of your mind and in your heart that either way, you still have someone better in your life, as one of the closest friends you've ever had. Of course you hope for the best case scenario, who wouldn't? But either way, I'll still be happy. Happiness comes in different forms. But i'll take whatever I can get.
If you would have told me a few months ago that it was going to come to this, that it was going to be you that saved me, that helped me through everything, I would have said you're insane. I know you've always been here for me, but I've underestimated how much that would mean to me, and how much it's grown into so much more.
Thank you, so much, for being the person that I've needed to help me find the way. For being my friend. For listening to me without judging me, or what I was feeling, like everyone else does. You've been so amazing through all of this and I hope you realize how much having you here to help me has meant. Even if you didn't always agree, you were still there, no matter what else was going on. I hate making this all about me but you really have helped me more than nearly everyone and I just want you to know that I do appreciate everything that you've done for me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a brand new, kick ass CD to listen to. :)
It's just so frustrating being second. Being someone's consolation prize. Being the next best because for some reason, the best is out of reach. I'm so done being settled for. It's the kind of thing where all you want is someone who is going to want you for you, just you, not because someone else isn't around or in the picture. It hurts, so much, to be skipped over.
But you know what else? It's all okay. Because you hurt me, because you did this, you've made me into a better person and made me stronger. And I think, that finally, after all has been said and done, it's officially over. I'll always care because you've been there for me in a lot of tight spots, and I appreciate that, I really do, but other than that, we're finished here.
After all that, there's still ways to smile. There's so much to be happy about, so many reasons to show the world that I consider myself lucky. When you find someone else, someone so much better, that you can talk to, really talk to, without judgement. And that someone fills the spaces that had been empty and longing for so long. The simple things, like, seeing their name on your phone, and when it makes you smile, all the hurt from the past, just fades. None of the past matters anymore, because there's someone that's now better than the other ever could be.
Even if there's a possibility that things won't work out in your favor, you know in the back of your mind and in your heart that either way, you still have someone better in your life, as one of the closest friends you've ever had. Of course you hope for the best case scenario, who wouldn't? But either way, I'll still be happy. Happiness comes in different forms. But i'll take whatever I can get.
If you would have told me a few months ago that it was going to come to this, that it was going to be you that saved me, that helped me through everything, I would have said you're insane. I know you've always been here for me, but I've underestimated how much that would mean to me, and how much it's grown into so much more.
Thank you, so much, for being the person that I've needed to help me find the way. For being my friend. For listening to me without judging me, or what I was feeling, like everyone else does. You've been so amazing through all of this and I hope you realize how much having you here to help me has meant. Even if you didn't always agree, you were still there, no matter what else was going on. I hate making this all about me but you really have helped me more than nearly everyone and I just want you to know that I do appreciate everything that you've done for me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a brand new, kick ass CD to listen to. :)
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
First post =P yay?
On these sorts of things they always say your first post is supposed to tell people about yourself. So with that in mind, I came up with one question- who am I? And then you have the people who know you more than you know yourself- can that be possible? Can they predict your next move before you even contimplate what you were going to do?
The answer is yes, yes they can. Some people are completely readable, whether they like it or not. I am one of those people, without a doubt. People see right through me. I'm not complicated. I'm not deep. I'm completely 100% simple, with my 'it is what it is' attitude. That doesn't bother me any. I'm happy with who I am. With who my friends are. With where I'm going tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. I don't want to say I'm typical, because I'm not. Like honestly. I'm 16 years old, I have a car that my parents bought, and I work in a retail store. But does that mean I'm typical? Not really. I pay a car payment every month, more than most people pay to a bank anyway, and my retail store doesn't have a fancy butterfly, eagle, or moose tag embroidered on it (and it doesn't cost an arm and a leg for a pair of jeans, either.) I didn't get my job by knowing people or fitting a stereotype- I did it the old fashioned way, with skills and abilities and experience that stores look for.
I've decided to start writing in this sort of forum or whatever you prefer to call it simply because this way, there is one version. One story. I say it once. Whoever wants to read it, interpret it, do what they may with it, is more than welcome. But this way, I say what I want to say, and that's it. What you choose to do with these words, not my choice. And I've decided that nothing can be too personal, because if it helps others to understand what it is that your feeling, then so be it. So here goes my story for today.
I think its great how you can be completely intimidated by people, and then start talking to them and realizing that its those people who prove to be some of the most important in your life. Like today. I actually had a conversation with someone who I've never talked to before, because I was too intimidated to. He turned out to be a really nice guy, the kind who would come change a flat tire in the snow. And then someone I just started talking to recently, like, past few weeks. I walked by him for two years and never knew anything more than his name, just because he was intimidating. Just then all of a sudden by some unforeseen force of nature, I got up the guts and started talking to him. Already he is one of my very best friends, and I love him to death. He already means so much. :)
So in closing for today, seeming as I've rambled on enough for today, I'm just going to say how amazing it is to have your day brightened by something really simple, like a hug from someone special.
<3
The answer is yes, yes they can. Some people are completely readable, whether they like it or not. I am one of those people, without a doubt. People see right through me. I'm not complicated. I'm not deep. I'm completely 100% simple, with my 'it is what it is' attitude. That doesn't bother me any. I'm happy with who I am. With who my friends are. With where I'm going tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. I don't want to say I'm typical, because I'm not. Like honestly. I'm 16 years old, I have a car that my parents bought, and I work in a retail store. But does that mean I'm typical? Not really. I pay a car payment every month, more than most people pay to a bank anyway, and my retail store doesn't have a fancy butterfly, eagle, or moose tag embroidered on it (and it doesn't cost an arm and a leg for a pair of jeans, either.) I didn't get my job by knowing people or fitting a stereotype- I did it the old fashioned way, with skills and abilities and experience that stores look for.
I've decided to start writing in this sort of forum or whatever you prefer to call it simply because this way, there is one version. One story. I say it once. Whoever wants to read it, interpret it, do what they may with it, is more than welcome. But this way, I say what I want to say, and that's it. What you choose to do with these words, not my choice. And I've decided that nothing can be too personal, because if it helps others to understand what it is that your feeling, then so be it. So here goes my story for today.
I think its great how you can be completely intimidated by people, and then start talking to them and realizing that its those people who prove to be some of the most important in your life. Like today. I actually had a conversation with someone who I've never talked to before, because I was too intimidated to. He turned out to be a really nice guy, the kind who would come change a flat tire in the snow. And then someone I just started talking to recently, like, past few weeks. I walked by him for two years and never knew anything more than his name, just because he was intimidating. Just then all of a sudden by some unforeseen force of nature, I got up the guts and started talking to him. Already he is one of my very best friends, and I love him to death. He already means so much. :)
So in closing for today, seeming as I've rambled on enough for today, I'm just going to say how amazing it is to have your day brightened by something really simple, like a hug from someone special.
<3
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