I'm just gonna be me tonight, if that's okay....

The past few days have been... eventful, to say the least.

Looking back I realize how much I've lost.

One year ago today, I was working no more than 13 hours per week. I was getting ready to drive, looking for cars, saving up for drivers ed. I was happy with the guy I was trying to make things work with. Nothing was stressful, I was almost done with CCD, and everything was right with the world.

Now fast forward to today. I work two jobs- with over forty hours totalling next week. I have my license- and my car- which is why I have both jobs. I'm no longer happy with that guy, in fact we fought most of this past year. Which has been completely typical with us. I'm not happy. He is. And I'm so happy for him because she is everything that I never will be, and I have whole heartedly accepted that, and can't blame myself for it. They fit together like... puzzle pieces. They complete each other, make each other whole, and love with everything they've got.

I wish I could say the same.

One year ago, I spent a lot of time with my family. Now, I see my family for approximately 15 minutes of the 24 hour day. Between the time that I finish getting ready for school and the time I actually leave for school is the only time I spend with them. I eat one meal a week with my brother. When I get home from school, I go to work. I come home and everyone is asleep or close to it, and I'm wiped out myself. I get up, shower, get ready for the day, and do it all over again. Then on my weekends, I see them in the morning. And then work the whole day. And see them at night, if I don't have plans.

I wish I had more time to spend with them.

Then I got home today from school, and my mom was home sick. She's been home sick every day this week. She's had three doctors appointments in those days and they don't know what's wrong with her. At all. They've given her stress relief pills crap, but they're making everything worse. And I come home to see her asleep on the couch. Again. Because she can't sleep at night.

There's too much going on in my parent's lives.

We own our own business. And it's tight. All the time. The phone doesn't ring for jobs. The crane doesn't leave the garage half the time. The schedule remains blank. This is the time of the year when work is supposed to be at it's peak- and it's at some of the slowest it's been.

And the repairs stack up, too. There's always things to grease and paint and take care of.

With no money coming in, it has to come from somewhere else.

My mom's own job deals with people every day, mostly ones who yell at her for things she has no control over anyway. Then she has our company to worry about. And my brother on top of all of it.

It's not healthy- and they're doing everything they can to take care of it.

It worries me too- not about all that crap, because I know it'll all iron out eventually, business will boom again or we'll just close the doors and find something else, I'm not at all worried about it. My mom's job, she can always tell them to stick it, she's been there longer than my brother's been born so over 19 years, she's earned it. As for my brother, he has his good and bad days like the rest of us. It's okay.

Hey, slow it down. Whatta want from me? Whatta want from me?
Yeah, I'm afraid. Whatta want from me?

just dont give up, i'm walkin it out. please dont give in, i wont let you down...

now back to me.

It's Friday night, and my only night off for the next week. And what am I doing?
Absolutely nothing.

I had two guys both ask to hang out (individually, of course) on my next day off.

Now one I'd hang out with over the other, so I let him know that I'm free tonight.

That was Wednesday afternoon. I haven't heard from him since.

He's taking everything out ofme and making me feel... the heartbreak all over again. And god damnit for the love of all that's holy, he shouldn't be making me feel this way. I even asked what the hell I did to make him not talk to me. And got no answer. He's tearing me apart, I can't stand the sight of myself, because I know it's something I did. Something I may have said, most likely. And I hate myself for screwing it all up again. It's not fair. I should be with him right now. But i'm not. Because I can't do anything right and I keep screwing everything up.

I drove him to her- and that's why they're probably together agian. No matter what anyone else may say or think about it, it's the truth. It's my fault that I feel this way. And that adds to it so much. I hate the fact that he's controlling everything I feel and every emotion that I have and he's not even trying- it just happens.

I want it to stop.

I know I could have it so much worse, that there are so many others who deal with things so much worse than I do. And I understand that, and agree. But those people who have more on their plates can do it. They're strong with broad shoulders.

I'm not.

This feeling that I've felt the last few weeks or so, it's been so hard to deal with, and I can't get it to go away. I can numb it, for a few minutes here and there, but it doesn't ever go away. I wish he didn't have such a reign over me. cause, he doesn't. But it feels like he does.

Why doesn't it ever get any better?

Thank god it's vacation, I won't have to be reminded of him at all for the next nine days.

Will that be a good thing, or will it just drive me beyond this feeling into something even more worse?

I'm not sure, I guess I'll just have to find out.

Junior Semi. (:

Oh wait, I didn't go.

I made a poor decision and didn't take time for myself. I stayed at the store till past ten at night and worked my ass off all for nothing.

I'm so disappointed with myself right now. For not taking the chance to do something for myself. I'm always doing things for everyone else. Like, I work on my two days off to help out my old boss and some old friends. I work on the night of junior semi to do my new boss a favor. I babysit on my only Saturday night off in forever to help out my parents. Everything I do is for someone else- and never for myself.

And in return everyone leaves me.

i open myself and let someone in who i think is special and then it just ends up that they're all stupid and they all hurt me

when is it going to get any better?

i miss everything that makes me think of you.
music. sunlight. volkswagon cars.
the color blue. beamers. aprons.
pink hats. plaid hoodies. ripped jeans.
leather seats. snow fall. ice scrapers.
perfume. battleship. spaghetti.
sundays. 7:05 AM. poems.
abercrombie skirts. mountain dew. fireworks.
boston. spinning out. flat tires.
christmas trees. mac and cheese. iPhones.
flash drives. donations. sunglasses.
the park bench. Hanover St. Monday nights.
Cages. Boxes. Fitting rooms.
Linens. Black chairs. facebook.
chicken fingers. shrimp. rice.
horror films. sick days. sweats.

but now it's all memories.

this is how you remind me of what i really am.

i wish "respect" was mutually understood.

I'm so sick of going everywhere in life by myself.
I'm at the point where people can't even return a simple flipping text message from three days ago.
If you don't wanna go just say no. It's not that hard. I would have understood.
If you don't like someone you work with, don't give them an attitude. Just don't work side by side with them. Let them go their way and if they try to help you out by mentioning something you're doing wrong, don't give them hell and then tell everyone what didn't actually happen to the point where you're crying on the sales floor and have to run out back so customers dont see you.
If you feel like someone at work excluded you from something, don't yell at them in front of the rest of the employees. Don't give them crap for it if you don't mean it, if it was completely harmless and actually had nothing to do with you because you don't even work at the same time that the other person does.
If you need more hours at work and want to win an inhouse competition that you already have in the bag, don't take the hours from someone else who needs them just as bad as you do.
If you're going to break a person's heart by deciding to date someone else and not tell them, don't ignore them and act like you don't know them. Don't snap your neck in the opposite direction and keep walking without acknowloging that they're there, no matter who they're talking to.
If you're going to tell someone that you hate someone that they don't like, don't turn around and tell them how pretty they are and that they should totally hang out soon. If you don't hate them like you say you do, just say it straight out.
If you're going to be upset with someone, don't completely ignore them when they're used to seeing you in the morning. Don't just not text them to tell them that you're there. Just at least tell them you don't want to talk to them.

It would just be so much easier if everyone just came out and say what they feel, and what they think of things, because otherwise it just leads for people to the point where they're sick all the time, and don't eat, and hardly get any sleep. It's not right for a person to get themselves all tied up into knots because of the way that everyone in their life treats them. One person shouldn't have to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders (since she pulled all the muscles in it, after all.) One person who is sixteen freaking years old shouldn't be under all of this.

I'm not doing this anymore.

So everyone needs to just cut the crap before I snap and fall in a heap somewhere.

But who'd actually come looking for me?

Hmm. point proven.