I Don't Like This.

I'm not really sure what happened, but what I can say is when you're already on edge, and someone else comes in, puts a little more on your plate, and doesn't understand that this is just the cherry on the flipping sundae, and then they flip out at you for apparently flipping out on them, when you most definitely didn't.

For those of you who really care, one of my best friends was in the hospital this past week. And it made me really scared because I don't like hospitals. Bad things have happened to me in those places and I just can't do it. I can't hear that someone so important to me is confined in those walls.

I wanted to get there, to see her and be with her but I couldn't. Like literally my schedule wouldn't allow it, but if I could have I would have fought against myself and gone in there and been by her side, all night if I had to, anything for her.

So I sat in the classroom all week anxiously awaiting word from her other half to let me know what was going on, and thank god for him. He kept me updated with everything, I always knew what was going on, and I seriously can't thank him for that. I couldn't be there but he made sure I knew everything that was happening;

Most importantly that she was going to be okay.

It was scary as hell not knowing what was going to happen, it was like reliving my uncle's accident all over again. And it's difficult to say the very least. And now I can finally breathe again, that she's home and safe and he's there to take care of her and love her and be her rock. And she's going to be just fine. (:

So when someone says, we need to talk, about you, it makes me a little more apprehensive than I already was. And by you making me wait some more to tell me whatever it is you wanted to tell me about myself, it enlarged the scale and made things so much worse. I tried to tell you that I was already going through a lot and that I couldn't deal with that in addition, and you took that as me flipping out on you.

Trust me. I wasn't flipping out on you.

So I don't really have anything else left to say except that it's not my fault that you flipped my words into something they weren't, but i'm serious when I say no one can tell me what to do. So you don't get to tell me to calm down or chill out when my best friend is sitting in a hospital bed and there's nothing I can do about it.

That's all I have to say, if you want to stay pissed off at me then fine, you go right ahead. I'm not gonna stop you. If you want to use me to be angry with, fine. Do it. All that emotion is gonna go somewhere, so why not me, right?

Now who's the emotional punching bag?

The week in rap

Not really, cause I don't rap, but I'm gonna write about the week.

Sunday. Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Work. (enough said about that.)

Monday, I asked if you'd be my date to junior semi. You asked when and where. So I told you.

No response.

Tuesday, I say just let me know by Friday if you're gonna come with me.

No response.

Thursday night, I ask if I'm buying 1 ticket or 2.

No response.

Friday morning- Looks like one then, I say.

No response.

You know what bugs me? When people just drop out of each other's lives with no explanation as to why, it kinda makes you feel like shit, ya know?

No response to that either.

Which means you really just don't care.

What you don't realize is that you have sunken me down into that hole that I was in four years ago, that took me over four years to get out of.

I'm sorry but I don't have four years to waste on you.

Get off your high horse, give me some respect, and just tell me that you want nothing to do with me.

It'd be a lot easier that way...

But until then, I'm going to dream of the time when things were good and realize that they never will be again because I was never good enough for you, apparently.

I gave you my whole heart, I opened up to you, I told you things I would have never said to anyone else. And you blocked me out.

You built me up to break me down.

After you promised that you'd help keep me happy- so that I wouldn't go back to my old ways.

What kind of person breaks a promise like that?

why don't you stay?
i'm down on my knees
i'm so tired of being lonely
i can give you what you need
when she calls you to go
there is one thing you should know
i don't have to live this way
so why don't you stay?


life crumbles
you pick it back up
make it whole again
and it'll just fall apart
people change
people come
people go
there's no way to explain it
it just is what it is
today is today,
tomorrow is a mystery.
anything beyond that
you can't worry about
until it gets here.
i'll fix this somehow
i'll grab my life by the neck
shake it loose
kill it if i have to
and start it all over again.
make things right,
make myself smile,
be the person i want to be.
today is today,
tomorrow a mystery.

Why are there so many people?

Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in the history of my high school career, minus being left by the guy I was completely in love with, and my custom engraved ipod being stolen. It was a rough morning, so I walk into school looking pretty normal, in jeans and a sweater. And for the first time in months, not a speck of makeup on my face. So what does Travis say? "Why aren't you wearing any makeup?"

Didn't feel like it, I say, and he says back, "But you look so much better WITH it."

Ugh. How irritating. His girlfriend hits him and tells him not to say things like that, and I tense up and I'm going to hit him. He wraps his arms around me tightly, and refuses to let go until I promise I won't hit him. He lets go, I open my car door, get in, and slam it.

Then, I alllllmost get into a car accident. There were two cars in front of me, the first one stopped suddenly to turn, so the one in front of me stopped too, and that left me to slam on my brakes so fast I hit my head on the steering wheel. And then, there's someone LAYING on the damn horn at me in the car behind. I steal a peek in my rearview mirror, it's Taylor. Fantastic. Next thing I know my phones ringing, it's Taylor telling me not to text while driving because I almost rearended the guy.

I wasn't even on the damn phone, but thank you so much for your assumption. I'm behind you, he says. No duh, I have mirrors, and use them, thank you.

Just everything that could go wrong, did, and then I get home. My dad's leaving for work. I have a paper to write but I have to do the business paperwork before I can get started on my own.

He leaves, I finish the paper, I gather myself, and head out to work.

I walk in with Kendra a few minutes early, and Kayla trails in not far behind us. My manager is there, along with her daughter, showing some of the day crew pictures from her vacation she just took to Florida. Whatever. Throw my apron on, punch in, and hit the floor. Tim's closing supervisor today, and he's got a list of things he wants me to do. Everything I had to do was a complete battle, but somehow, I got it all done. Every last piece of it. Even the stuff that seemed like we wouldn't be able to make it all fit in one place- I did that too. (I like to think i have SOME skill in the retail world after all...)

But is it enough? Of course not.

I go on my lunch break, and did absolutely nothing for the half hour. Like. I really didn't. Punch back in and hit the floor cleaning and running the fitting rooms. The three of us are cleaning and what not, but it's so hard. Not cleaning, but cleaning with them, because they've been best friends since like, forever, and I always feel so out of place.

Everyone leaves at nine, and I'm stuck doing all the closing things by myself. It's just me and Tim in the building for a half an hour- how awkward.

This morning, I was awakened by the storm crashing on my windowsills. At two. In the morning. And I didn't get back to sleep. I'm tired as hell, I'm sore as hell, and don't really give two craps about anyone or anything right now. I get in the shower, and out, throw my hair into a pony tail and dig my sweats out of my closet.

Don't even give a damn what I look like, either.

And then today, I realized that there are so many damn people around that I haven't been completely alone in almost five days. This deeply angers me. Every day when I get home from school I have that lapse of time to sit by myself and unwind from the day. Every second of every day someone else has been in close proximity.

I just want to be left alone. Is that so much to ask, is it? I really don't think it's that difficult of a concept to comprehend.

So then I just decided to check up on some people, and I see a mound of words all slammed into paragraphs and because I care, I make my way through it. And now I'm even more angry.

What I'm about to say will probably anger some, but frankly, you angered me first.

I am one of those people who needs someone else in their life to keep them going. I need a guy that cares about me to make me feel good enough to keep going. But I don't sit here and bitch about it constantly, and I don't like when people make generalizations about the people like myself who do need someone else in their life. Because maybe that's the only way that I feel loved and appreciated and without it I don't see a point to my life.

Have you ever considered that?

Maybe I'm just one of those people who needs to feel valued, who needs to be appreciated, who needs someone to lean on in the weak moments.

The past two days have been my weak moments- but I haven't had anyone to lean on.

I got walked out on- and then I got stood up- by the same person. He's meant more to me than anything and I'd do anything for him but right now he's not even acting like he cares anymore. I'm at the point where I think he doesn't. And I'm going to have to find some way to deal with that.

But wait, I'm 16, young, beautiful, intelligent, smart, funny and pretty, and have my whole life ahead of me to find someone.

Well, that's talking about the future. That's talking about college and past that into the real world when I'm like, twenty five and all that stupid shit.

That doesn't help me right now. And I've noticed the only ones who say that are those who HAVE someone in their lives already that don't need to find anyone else because they're perfectly happy with where they're at.

I'm not. So don't tell me that I am.

The only thing I have in my life that's positive right now is my work, because it's the only place that I can go right now that I feel like I do have SOME role, because after all I'm one of the people who's there because I like the cause, not just the paycheck I get every two weeks. It's ridiculous that the only place I have right now is my work, and I can't stand it.

There are so many PEOPLE around- driving home there's cars next to you and in front of you and behind you. At school you're filled with other classmates, some who are idiots, some who are smarter than you, both ways you don't want to be there. Work, I work at a STORE, so there's always people there willing to drive me up a wall. I come home and I don't even have my time to myself. Because my brothers "sick."

He's sitting down here watching tv acting like his normal self. Yeah, he's real sick.

I can't take this anymore, and I'm down to my very last wire. I'm going to hang on to everything I have but as of right now it really isn't much to hold onto. Where am I supposed to go from here, and who the hell is going to help me?

I don't know.

But why are there so many people?

And why can't they just leave me alone?

It's been hard.

It's been hard to get this finished, I've been working on it since I got back from Mexico. but, I think it's finally good and ready to be published (:


Ian.

"Love" is not a word that I can define easily, but I can easily say that I love Ian. He's like a brother to me. When I couldn't stand on my own, he was my backbone. When I couldn't put my own thoughts to words, he gives me a three days grace song. When I couldn't bare to live one more day of my own life, he gave me the opportunity to smile. He means the world to me, and I'd do anything for him. Any day. I'll never be able to show my appreciation for everything he's done for me. But, I will certainly try. AB, 3/19/2010

This is it, it's finally somewhat okay, I get you a handwritten asap.

(:

Beware the ides of march

So sitting in class today, I watched something I strongly feel against.
We were all working on our work that we were supposed to do, and I was lingering off into la la land as i usually do every five minutes, and then I hear him screaming at her.

I watch as she folds her arms on her desk and buries her face in them.
I've seen that happen before.

He shoves her desk, taunting her, oh no, this isn't pretty.

I try to look away but I can't. My eyes are peeled now.
I miss part of his sentence, but I hear it end with "... you bitch!"

She screams, raises a fist to him and looks like she's about to cry.

He says it again.

That's it. He doesn't have the right to do that.

I had to step in.

I scream from across the room, "Shut up, don't you dare talk to her like that,"
and am ignored. Perhaps just not heard.

I jump in again.

"She doesn't deserve to be treated like that, shut up."

Another classmate echoes my words from the other side of the room.

"Learn how to treat your friends."
Again, we both go unheard.

Everyone's watching now as she's screaming at him to leave her alone, how he needs to stop calling her names and hitting her.

I don't, he taunts her back, again.

Ask everyone in the class!

They both have everyone's attention now.
One more time I jump in to stop this.. again, unheard.
The teacher comes over and calms things down.

Eventually he's sent out of the room.

Good.

Now everyone is completely silent. I break it by starting up project talk with my group.

Now, where were we?

After class I text her, and I tell her that I'm proud of her for doing what she did, that she has no right to be treated that way.

Because she doesn't.
From anyone.

I can't believe how long it's been since I was beside her, and how different things have been. What brought this on?

Watching someone else hurt her for no reason, I couldn't let it happen.
Even if I wasn't heard, I know I tried my best to help protect her.
No matter if she was doing perfect on her own.

She's stronger than any could ever imagine, I only dream that someday I can be a fraction of that. And I'm sick and tired of all the crap we've all been putting each other through, and it ends right now.

I'm serious when I say this, if anyone doesn't like it we can speak directly about it, but for right now, I finish with this.

No one will treat anyone else like crap anymore. We're all going through our own problems in our own lives, but that doesn't give us the right to take it out on each other. I don't care what you've done to the other person or what the other person has done for you. We were all there for each other at one point or another, and maybe we're not all there for each other anymore.

But I will be there- for those who are there for me- starting right now.

I'm going to try to mend the things that I have broken, because of my own misjudgement I ruined many things.

So, no one will be treating anyone with anymore disrespect.

It stops right here.

Bam. Done.

Work isn't work when it's play

Someone told me once, to find a job that I love, because then it would feel more like play and less like work.

He was right- I love my job.

Today, I had a nice, short shift scheduled- 10 to 4. So I got in at ten, and it was me, Kendra and Amy- and we all work really good together, so I was happy with that. We all had projects to do, and mine was to make an end display, or end cap in the retail lingo, of whatever I wanted.

A blank slate. No limitations.

This one piece of the store was going to be whatever I wanted it to be.

So I grabbed a few shelves from the back and pinned them in. Now all I had to do was think of a theme.

I grabbed a cart, and started walking through the aisles. It was like being paid to shop, customers were looking at me like, what the hell. Cause to make an end cap it's to display some of the best of what we have, so you just take stuff from the regular shelves.

As I'm walking through, I found these teensy little glasses, dark grey in color, with clearly hand-painted flowers. Perfect. Throw those in the cart. A dark plate with a big floral design. Bam. Throw that in too. 2 glass vases with again, painted floral work. I'm hitting the freaking jackpot.

Go back to my end cap, start organizing how it looks best on the top shelf. Plate in the middle, vases on the end, glasses in between.

Now I have to try to find stuff that matches that...

Stack of sunflower plates. Coffee mugs with sunflowers on them. Other little ceramic containers with flowers. Again, plates in the middle, cups, then other stuff on the outside.

By this point, I've used up all the nice-looking floral stuff in the store.

Hmmm. What else can go with floral?

Find three stacks of plates with peaches on them. Those go in the middle.
Two sets of teal champagne glasses and two huge margarita glasses, same color.

Bottom shelf- HUGE pear container, then these awesome glasses with a metallic overlay, and purple metallic glasses. Then two green vases on either side.

Freaking score.

I felt so accomplished when I was done. I called the other associates over, and they like it. Bring out my supervisor, he likes it.

The assistant manager makes a surprise visit to the store. She loves it.

THis, my friends, is my retail world calling.

I can't describe how awesome I feel about this, like, I know it's not a big deal and it'll be a mess in a few days, but I feel like I've proven myself to be a good associate, to know my store, what's in it, and I just feel like I belong there now, I have a purpose.

Bam.

I love my job, which makes it more like play than work..

Love.love.love.love.

<3

Okay, I'm done.

(:

Update (incase y'all were wondering.)

Mmmmkay. So, I have to write this out because I don't want people to think that I like, crawled up in a hole and am rotting somewhere. I'm not, sooo, yeah. haha.

So on Sunday, I was at work, at 6:45 am, to do inventory in the store. That was a success, my boss was in a really good mood, and life was good. It didn't take that long, I whipped through projects like there was no flipping tomorrow. I made a bit of a mistake, but nothing overly major, so it wasn't a big deal cause it was completely fixable.

After my boss left and the supervisor came in, he asked me if I was ready to go on donations. Sure, I said, and I went back there to help Ryan with his busted hand and everything. In the mean time, I picked up a few big tv's, two full size speakers, two rocking chairs, a few of those tv tray wooden thingys, and a bunch more stuff that I probably don't remember. So somewhere in the mean time of that, I pulled a muscle or two in my shoulder. I had to go to the goodwill-appointed doctor, and he put me on some fix it pills and life is good again.

So then I worked Tuesday. and Wednesday. and Thursday. and Friday. I finally have a day off. God I'm tired. Haha.

I also texted Timmy on Sunday to tell him that it sucked being at work without him.
No response.

Wednesday, being Timmy's longest day of the week, I texted him to tell him that I hope it all goes good, that I know he can do it, and to hang in there, that it's almost over.
Again, no response.

So Thursday, in pure frustration, I sent him a really long message, it was like 2 picture messages worth. About how I can't believe that he's not talking to me, but that I don't care anymore, that if he's not gonna be my friend I'm not gonna try to be his, and that if this is it then this is it, thanks for everything up to this point, etc etc.
Several hours later, I get a response.

We've slowly been talking. It's not much. I mean, what can I expect? But all I know is that I've missed the hell outta him, and that I'm just glad I got to talk to him...

I'm really not sure if it'll ever get back to the way things were. Maybe when he's done with school for his mini summer break or whatever. I really want them to be. I've never felt this way about anyone else..

And after all the crap that my ex's have put me through, I think I deserve to be happy.

Soo, that's it. I'm just me being me trying to make things work out.

Pardon mee, I'm gonna get on that.

But first! I am going to write ian's quote for his book, that is my goal for the weekend. It might take me all weekend, it probably will, but I'll do it.

(:

This is hard for me to say....

but I'm done with this blog thing for awhile. Because the things going on in my life right now, I don't want to share.

This past week (last Sunday to today) I have been hurt in one way or another by virtually every person I know, some way, some how. Some were for an hour and I got over it. Some still feel like it was two seconds ago.

But I can't talk about my life anymore. I just can't get the words out right now.

I'll be around, gonna drown myself in planning the big work bash with my bosses, I'll focus on charity and the people who need me...

... as opposed to the people I need who aren't there for me anymore.

All that I'm after, is a life full of laughter.
As long as I'm laughing with you. <3

So, it's been a rough week. I'm not going to deny that. Definitely been one of the harder ones. But, it's okay because I've got people on my side who i love more than anything and would do anything for (:

Skye and Jeffff, aka my brother and sister, have been there for me through everything, I love you guys, so much, thank you <3

But when all the crap hit the fan, there was one person who stuck out more than the rest. As soon as I told him he'd been hurt he was on my case wanting to know who hurt me, and why. It takes a really caring, special person to do that. And I can't even begin to explain what that means to me. How special you really are. How special you've been since I met you, since we first started talking. Hard to believe all this time has already gone by. You've definitely made my junior year... so far... memorable, to say the very least.

All the days that I smile back on are days that I spent with you (:

I know it's still early, but he makes me smile. And that's what I need right now.

Well, I'm off, I gotta work tonight w/ my big brother :D :D

Gonna close with a quote from one of the many loves of my life <3
"everybody changes throughout their life. just hate who you need to hate and love who you need to love to get by. and if you dont know who to love or hate, love and hate everyone just a little. face the future with a smile, and the horizon will always look pretty."