I sit here alone, but sounds still flood my ears
Everyone's so noisy, while I am raining tears
It's been almost 10 years now, but it's still hard
Part of me, still forever scarred.
Because no big machine can stop on a dime,
I won't get to say I love you one last time.
It's days like today where I miss you the most. The milestones. The big days of growing up, such as this one, where I'm going out on a date with a guy. A really amazing guy, that I think you'd definitely like. He's funny, and he's kind, and he treats me right :) I wish you could have been here to meet him. Or scare him out of his wits, one or the other, doesn't matter either way. You could have been here to meet him at the door.
But you're not. Because almost ten years ago, you were taken away from me, way before I was ready to let you go. Things have changed so much since you've been here. It's difficult, doing the big things without you. Driving. Dating. High School. Looking at colleges.
No one will ever replace you, and we will most definitely never forget you.
I love you, and I know that you're watching over me, helping me through the tough times, just like you were as if you were here.
Once the snow melts, I'm going to go visit you, I promise.
Maybe I'll bring Tim along, I'd love for you to see him.
10/14/64-12/11/00
Only the good die young.
One more day,
one more time.
One more sunset,
I'd be satisfied.
But then again,
I know what it
Would do.
But I'm still
wishing here,
For one more day
With you.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
'Cause even the best fall down sometimes
So yesterday, as I was heading to take my French exam, I fell.
I know it doesn't sound like a big deal because physically, all wounds heal.
But mentally, it changed a lot of things...
I realized that this is what I have been w a i t i n g for... this is what i n e e d e d... i had been through so much the last few weeks, with things happening at work and with the special people in my life <3 and with my CAR... (ugh,) this kind of thing had been building up and waiting to happen. Waiting for me to lose my grip, catch me off my guard, slowly lowering my defenses.
And that's what happened. My mind got carried away and I fell straight down into a heap on the sidewalk. No one stopped to help me up. No one wanted to make sure I was okay. There was a moment I wanted to just stay there, down and hurt, and let everyone walk right over me.
ButI had to be there for myself, and pull myself together, stand up, brush the ice chips off my leg, and I just kept walking. I found that inner strength crap, and I got back up. And as soon as I kept on walking again, I realized that this was meant to happen to me, to show that I am the strongest individual out there, and that when something bad happens, i can count on MYSELF to pull it together.
Yes, there are people out there who I can count on, but sometimes they're going to be caught up in their own worlds, trying to solve their own problems.
So when I'm caught in the wind, fallen down on the ice, I know exactly what to do.
Now I'm off to find somethign to take since I now have aches in my shoulder, elbow, hip, leg and ankle :D
<3
I know it doesn't sound like a big deal because physically, all wounds heal.
But mentally, it changed a lot of things...
I realized that this is what I have been w a i t i n g for... this is what i n e e d e d... i had been through so much the last few weeks, with things happening at work and with the special people in my life <3 and with my CAR... (ugh,) this kind of thing had been building up and waiting to happen. Waiting for me to lose my grip, catch me off my guard, slowly lowering my defenses.
And that's what happened. My mind got carried away and I fell straight down into a heap on the sidewalk. No one stopped to help me up. No one wanted to make sure I was okay. There was a moment I wanted to just stay there, down and hurt, and let everyone walk right over me.
ButI had to be there for myself, and pull myself together, stand up, brush the ice chips off my leg, and I just kept walking. I found that inner strength crap, and I got back up. And as soon as I kept on walking again, I realized that this was meant to happen to me, to show that I am the strongest individual out there, and that when something bad happens, i can count on MYSELF to pull it together.
Yes, there are people out there who I can count on, but sometimes they're going to be caught up in their own worlds, trying to solve their own problems.
So when I'm caught in the wind, fallen down on the ice, I know exactly what to do.
Now I'm off to find somethign to take since I now have aches in my shoulder, elbow, hip, leg and ankle :D
<3
Thursday, January 14, 2010
fearless<3
The semester ends tomorrow, that means my last free mod with taylor and ian :( this stinksss. i'll manage, somehow..
aiiight. well. so im just doing the whole working thing, gdubs do doo! yaaay. the people i work with are really great and my bosses are amazing tooo (: its pretttty fantastic. and cant wait to get back to brick house, thats gonna be a good time too :) and i'm starting to see exactly who i can c o n f i d e in, and that's amazing. it's great to see who i can trust.
hopefully going out with timmy and jeff and skye on sunday :) parental permitting. that sounds like weather permitting lmao
i've been doing so well lately. i really have. i have great friends, great job, great everything (: couldnt ask for better, really.
soo, yep, thats me. another post completely useless to the outside world but ehh, i love it anyway (:
aiiight. well. so im just doing the whole working thing, gdubs do doo! yaaay. the people i work with are really great and my bosses are amazing tooo (: its pretttty fantastic. and cant wait to get back to brick house, thats gonna be a good time too :) and i'm starting to see exactly who i can c o n f i d e in, and that's amazing. it's great to see who i can trust.
hopefully going out with timmy and jeff and skye on sunday :) parental permitting. that sounds like weather permitting lmao
i've been doing so well lately. i really have. i have great friends, great job, great everything (: couldnt ask for better, really.
soo, yep, thats me. another post completely useless to the outside world but ehh, i love it anyway (:
Friday, January 8, 2010
Oh, sweet thing <3
My life is so amazing <3
These past few days, I have been nothing but supported by the people who have always cared about me, the ones who stuck to my side through everything.Everything is going so perfectly, everything's falling into place :)
Skye and Jeff, you both, are so amazing. Even though I'm a lot younger than you guys, you both took me in and supported me through everything, helped me every little problem I had, whenever I was stressed you guys could make me laugh it off and keep going. Thank you both, so much for making me realize where I am truly wanted, no matter how young I am, ahaha.
Penny, my sister now and forever, for being my rock, and always listening to me. For helping me through the tough times and being there to listen through the good times. I'm always here for you too, and you're always there for me, I can never thank you enough.
Tim<3 for being so supportive and caring of me, for always making me smile. For coming to visit me on your days off, and always going out of your way to do whatever I need. For not abandoning me like every other guy from my past has. You mean so much to me, you truly are amazing <3
Faith and Sierra! for always listening to me complain about my horrible pitiful life. And for telling me that it's stupid and helping me get over it :) Love US History, so glad you guys are with me :)
Ian, Taylor, and Katie, for being the amazing friends you have always been, for always being by my side and standing up for me, letting me know that I'm not alone, now or ever, for telling me that you're all proud of me. You guys are really what kept me going, I can't thank you enough.
All my GDub family :) For letting me vent on you guys and for telling me how it is, what I need to do to fix it, for looking out for me and telling me the best thing to do, and helping me actually do it. All of you have helped me out so much, it's awesome. :D
Everything is so amazing, and it takes a tough time for you to see the people who are there for you no matter what, who stand behind you, who don't betray you. My life taken a serious turn for the positive and I can never, ever go back to the way things were. I love my life, so much, and I love the people in it. You all shaped me into this new, amazing, strong individual that I am, I have more strength and confidence than I ever have.
So Skye, Jeff, Penny, Tim<3, Faith, Sierra, Ian, Taylor, Katie, and everyone down at GDUb, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
<3
These past few days, I have been nothing but supported by the people who have always cared about me, the ones who stuck to my side through everything.Everything is going so perfectly, everything's falling into place :)
Skye and Jeff, you both, are so amazing. Even though I'm a lot younger than you guys, you both took me in and supported me through everything, helped me every little problem I had, whenever I was stressed you guys could make me laugh it off and keep going. Thank you both, so much for making me realize where I am truly wanted, no matter how young I am, ahaha.
Penny, my sister now and forever, for being my rock, and always listening to me. For helping me through the tough times and being there to listen through the good times. I'm always here for you too, and you're always there for me, I can never thank you enough.
Tim<3 for being so supportive and caring of me, for always making me smile. For coming to visit me on your days off, and always going out of your way to do whatever I need. For not abandoning me like every other guy from my past has. You mean so much to me, you truly are amazing <3
Faith and Sierra! for always listening to me complain about my horrible pitiful life. And for telling me that it's stupid and helping me get over it :) Love US History, so glad you guys are with me :)
Ian, Taylor, and Katie, for being the amazing friends you have always been, for always being by my side and standing up for me, letting me know that I'm not alone, now or ever, for telling me that you're all proud of me. You guys are really what kept me going, I can't thank you enough.
All my GDub family :) For letting me vent on you guys and for telling me how it is, what I need to do to fix it, for looking out for me and telling me the best thing to do, and helping me actually do it. All of you have helped me out so much, it's awesome. :D
Everything is so amazing, and it takes a tough time for you to see the people who are there for you no matter what, who stand behind you, who don't betray you. My life taken a serious turn for the positive and I can never, ever go back to the way things were. I love my life, so much, and I love the people in it. You all shaped me into this new, amazing, strong individual that I am, I have more strength and confidence than I ever have.
So Skye, Jeff, Penny, Tim<3, Faith, Sierra, Ian, Taylor, Katie, and everyone down at GDUb, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
<3
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
10 Minutes
Okay, I am going to make this clear to everyone who evidentally does not understand.
i chose to walk away from a situation that was making me unhappy. That has been making me unhappy for months. I did it because of the fact that my thoughts and my emotions were hid, by my own choice. I didn't want to concern you with it. So, I spoke to him directly about it. And he chose to leave the situation as it was and didn't give a care that I was feeling horribly for so long.
And neither did you.
From day one, I told you both, that I couldn't take having my heart broken.
That, my dear, is exactly what you did. Break my heart.
So now all that is left for me to say is that I don't need your attention, because I never got it anyway. You've always said that you'd put your friends first but if that were true, you wouldn't be in the position you are in right now, nor would I.
I have been meaning to get this out for some time now- you say that I took your place, well, actually, I took theirs. You only turned to me after everyone else left you. After they all said, if you do that again, we will not come back. THEN you turned to me and I said that I was the best friend you have.
Well, that was clearly not the case because if it were, you would have cared a little bit more about your best friend. If I was really your best friend you would have known better when I said that I was okay with you taking away the one good thing I had in my life at that point in time. The fact that he was willing to walk away from me, fine. But that doesn't mean I didn't still love him. And you very well knew that too.
This is the last word I am going to say about this, because it is completely finished and I don't care if you post anything further, I'm not going to start a war of words. I will not retaliate to anything else you have to say.
This is my final message to you, that we are finished here. Everyone wants to know that if he were out of the picture, if things would go back to the way they were.
No. They wouldn't.
They call it walking away simply because of the fact that you're leaving. No where in there does it say that I will be walking back.
When I walk away, it's solid.
I walked away and I have a whole army of people that back me up and I know that I can turn to the people who answered the call at two in the morning- as opposed to the person who made me make that call.
I will never forget, nor will I ever forgive, hearing the words from your very mouth that I am desperate. If I were desperate, I wouldn't be single, would I?
Just something I wonder about.
i chose to walk away from a situation that was making me unhappy. That has been making me unhappy for months. I did it because of the fact that my thoughts and my emotions were hid, by my own choice. I didn't want to concern you with it. So, I spoke to him directly about it. And he chose to leave the situation as it was and didn't give a care that I was feeling horribly for so long.
And neither did you.
From day one, I told you both, that I couldn't take having my heart broken.
That, my dear, is exactly what you did. Break my heart.
So now all that is left for me to say is that I don't need your attention, because I never got it anyway. You've always said that you'd put your friends first but if that were true, you wouldn't be in the position you are in right now, nor would I.
I have been meaning to get this out for some time now- you say that I took your place, well, actually, I took theirs. You only turned to me after everyone else left you. After they all said, if you do that again, we will not come back. THEN you turned to me and I said that I was the best friend you have.
Well, that was clearly not the case because if it were, you would have cared a little bit more about your best friend. If I was really your best friend you would have known better when I said that I was okay with you taking away the one good thing I had in my life at that point in time. The fact that he was willing to walk away from me, fine. But that doesn't mean I didn't still love him. And you very well knew that too.
This is the last word I am going to say about this, because it is completely finished and I don't care if you post anything further, I'm not going to start a war of words. I will not retaliate to anything else you have to say.
This is my final message to you, that we are finished here. Everyone wants to know that if he were out of the picture, if things would go back to the way they were.
No. They wouldn't.
They call it walking away simply because of the fact that you're leaving. No where in there does it say that I will be walking back.
When I walk away, it's solid.
I walked away and I have a whole army of people that back me up and I know that I can turn to the people who answered the call at two in the morning- as opposed to the person who made me make that call.
I will never forget, nor will I ever forgive, hearing the words from your very mouth that I am desperate. If I were desperate, I wouldn't be single, would I?
Just something I wonder about.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Winter Break
Having a car is nice. I've had plans every single day of vacation. i didnt sit around and rot. i love that :D
So I realized that I haven't been blogging for awhile like I used to every day, and I'm kind of proud of that. I've grasped my life by the reigns and led it in the direction that I want it to go- instead of just blog-complaining about it and letting everyone else eventually read it and help me fix it.
I fix things for myself now- end of story.
I'm not afraid to ask for help. Because I know that Ian, Taylor and Kevin will all answer the phone at 2 AM. Seeming as all three of them have in the past. You three have been my rock through everything, you've always supported me, even if you didnt like my choices or my decisions, you still found ways to let me know that it'll all be okay.
So if I need to ask for help, I know where I can find it.
And I know that if i never need someone to listen to me, i can turn to ashleigh. i know she'll be there for me.
But for this new year, my goal is going to be to realize those who haven't betrayed me, or gone against me, or picked up a knife and stabbed me. I gave it a longg thought process, (seeming as I was up well into the first hours of the morning on a caffeine buzz) and I've realized who has been there for me and done anything to help me.
I help those who help me.
More importantly, this year is going to be the year that I decide things. I'm tired of letting other people's influences and decisions shape who I am. That's done. It's all me now. I'm going to let everyone do whatever they want to do- go ahead and do it. Be with who you want to be with, say what you want to say, do what you want to do, I'm done caring about it if it's going to negatively influence me, or if it has in the past, I'm done with it.
So, here's to the fact that I am a strong, independent, amazing individual, and that I will do anything to help my friends. The ones who have proven to me that they'll stand beside me in the storms, until I can get back on my feet again.
The end.
Ian, you owe me ten bucks. :D
So I realized that I haven't been blogging for awhile like I used to every day, and I'm kind of proud of that. I've grasped my life by the reigns and led it in the direction that I want it to go- instead of just blog-complaining about it and letting everyone else eventually read it and help me fix it.
I fix things for myself now- end of story.
I'm not afraid to ask for help. Because I know that Ian, Taylor and Kevin will all answer the phone at 2 AM. Seeming as all three of them have in the past. You three have been my rock through everything, you've always supported me, even if you didnt like my choices or my decisions, you still found ways to let me know that it'll all be okay.
So if I need to ask for help, I know where I can find it.
And I know that if i never need someone to listen to me, i can turn to ashleigh. i know she'll be there for me.
But for this new year, my goal is going to be to realize those who haven't betrayed me, or gone against me, or picked up a knife and stabbed me. I gave it a longg thought process, (seeming as I was up well into the first hours of the morning on a caffeine buzz) and I've realized who has been there for me and done anything to help me.
I help those who help me.
More importantly, this year is going to be the year that I decide things. I'm tired of letting other people's influences and decisions shape who I am. That's done. It's all me now. I'm going to let everyone do whatever they want to do- go ahead and do it. Be with who you want to be with, say what you want to say, do what you want to do, I'm done caring about it if it's going to negatively influence me, or if it has in the past, I'm done with it.
So, here's to the fact that I am a strong, independent, amazing individual, and that I will do anything to help my friends. The ones who have proven to me that they'll stand beside me in the storms, until I can get back on my feet again.
The end.
Ian, you owe me ten bucks. :D
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