Summer Slump

So this summer, I haven't really blogged. Hardly any, in fact. I call it my summer slump. Not being able to put thoughts into phrases, or phrases into sentences. It's pathetic, because I know I am so much more accomplished than this.

I just never have anything substantial to write about.

Right now there's a cake baking that I'm bringing to my dad2's house tomorrow. For those of you who were wondering, I have 2 dads. My biological father, who is my dad first and foremost, and whom I am for the most of the time close with. Then there is my dad's best friend, who has two sons, but no daughters. So, he's sort of assigned himself to my dad 2 role. He does everything my father does. For my birthday he even gave me a card that was meant for a father to give to his daughter.

A year ago at this time I owed my parents just under $6500, granted I'd paid a few payments, so we'll say, $6200. Today, I owe them $1400. Not to mention I paid for everything my car needed, oilchanges, burnt bulbs, gas, and insurance. Someone said to me the other day that I shouldn't have gotten such a 'fancy car' because I had to pick up a second job to pay for it.

Let me set this straight right now.

I didnt HAVE to pick up a second job. I CHOSE to go back to my former job for the summer, because I love the people I work with and it's fun to do. The paycheck is just a sidenote. I do it because it's something to do. Yes, it has put a bit of a strain on my summer, but my car wasn't expensive for what it is, and it is by no means fancy. So, shut up, and pick on someone else !

This morning I got up and checked my phone and had a new picture message from Ian. it's a picture of the picture I drew him last year. And seeing that he still has it, meant a lot to me (: Thanks Ian !

I've also been single for a year now. Officially. My last official relationship was with Nick, which ended briefly after my 16th birthday. It is now briefly after my 17th birthday. Therefore, officially a year. So. What's the freaking problem? It's frustrating. I feel like there's something wrong with me.

I just have serious issues.

I'm going camping this weekend. Get me away from all of this -- sounds like a plaaaaan.

For exactly 48 minutes, I have been 17 years old.

Twisted.

Friday the 9th.
I go to pick up the gift my grandparents bought me for my birthday. It's a princess cut ruby with diamonds surrounding it. It's absolutely gorgeous. Fits my personal style perfectly, I've had my eye on it since eighth grade. And finally, my grandparents said to me, we know you work hard, you're a good student, and a good kid. Pick out whatever you'd like. So I picked that. In all the excitement of FINALLY having this ring after almost four years of droooooling over it, I took a picture of it and sent it to my friend. I get a text back, that says, "It's just a ring. What's so great about it?" I was in shock, my jaw dropped, I couldn't believe this. After awhile, I figured out that it wasn't her- it was her boyfriend. He proceeded to tell me that it meant nothing since it didn't have anything behind it. How about it means that I've worked just about every day this summer, and I paid off my car in just over a year? How about it means that someone finally appreciates everything I've done, the things I've been through, and everything I've sacrificed? Yeah, that's what I thought. So jewelry can't mean anything because my boyfriend didn't give it to me? He says that's not what he said, but it's exactly what he said.
Twisted.

Saturday the 10th.
I'm at work, just like every Saturday morning. I ask a customer if she'd like to buy a raffle ticket, because I'm supposed to ask every customer. She proceeds to give me a line of crap because I didn't know when the drawing was. Anyhow, she ends up buying one in the end, so I swipe her credit card, put it on the counter, and print her receipt for her to sign off on. She proceeds to yell at me because I put her card on the counter while I waited for the receipt. And then continued to tell me that I have no skills to run this business. Sorry hon, I don't run this place, I just work here.
Twisted.
After that endeavor, the assistant manager from another store was a fill-in supervisor because we were short handed. She doesn't know where anything is in our store since she's a fill-in, so she asked me to grab her a ticket gun. The closest one was through the back, since I was in the back of the store. I open the door to take it, and another employee's boyfriend was back there with her, he looks me straight in the face and says, "Speaking of the dumbasses..." I walked out. I'm not putting up with his shit. He has no right to treat me like that, whether he's joking around or not. You just don't talk to people like that- you just don't.
Twisted.

Wednesday the 14th.
I'm at my other job, and a customer walks up to my window, and asks what kind of icecream goes in the waffle bowls. I tell him we will put in whatever kind he'd like. He says he's not sure what kind he wants, and he wants me to 'design it for him.' I said sure, but are you allergic to anything? With my luck, he'd be allergic to peanuts or something and die on the spot. So he says, "Only ugly blonde chicks like you." I should have spit in his food. Or licked it. Or thrown it on the floor. Somehow befowled it in some way. This guy was just a major flea bag. Or in words of John the food prep guy, "profoundly rude."
Twisted.

Thursday the 15th.
It's 8:00 AM, I've just sent Matt off to work, and I'm in our living room watching TV. This obnoxious sounding truck pulls into my driveway- and I've never seen this truck before. Keep in mind, I'm the only one at the house right now. So whoever this guy is, he walks up to the side door, and rings the doorbell. The windows are open, so I know he heard it ring. He rings again. Since I don't answer the door, he walks to the front door- with windows in clear sight of the living room. I book it off the couch and hide in the opposite corner. He rings that bell, no lie, seven times in a row. Then I hear him walking away. But he's not leaving. I hear him walk back up to the side door, and ring the bell, again. Finally he gets in his truck and leaves. I hurry up and check the license plate, ready to write it down, I always do. I see a sticky note stuck to the door, says stopped by to say hello, you weren't here, give us a call sometime. As I saw the license plate, it instantly clicked to me who this guy was. When we sold our condo way back when, these people obviously moved into it, and we've somewhat kept in touch with them. It was that guy. But, isn't it rather certain that my parents would be working at 8 in the morning on a Thursday? And why aren't you? This guy, is also a flea bag. He's really weird and I've never really liked him much. He's just - weird.
Twisted.

It hasn't been a very good past few days, hopefully things will get better sooner than later. I don't want this bs anymore, it's gotta end eventually.

Three Cheers for Five Years

Well, it has officially been five years, so I have to do this.

1. You've always been able to make me smile
No matter what the situation, I've always been able to count on you to make me smile. Even if that meant stealing my stuff and never giving it back, scribbling my name on the inside of your hat, or putting on my abercrombie sweatshirt. I've been hurt a lot, and get upset easily, and you've always known just what to do or say to fix it. I know, I could be Jewish, Helen Keller, and a whole list of other things.

2. You gave me the chance to see that I'm good enough
If there's one thing that I'll take away from all of this, it's the fact that you made me feel a lot better about who I am as a person. By giving me that chance, no matter how hard I had to work for it, you made me see that hey, I'm good enough. I'm good enough to find someone decent and be treated decent. I'm good enough to show the world that I'm confident, that I know what I want, and if I want it bad enough, I can ge tit.

3. You were willing to do anything. And really, anything.
Anything I ever needed, you did. When my iPod got stolen you looked for it. When I was sick and needed a shoulder to lean on, you sat there and let me. When I was cold you'd give me your hoodie to wear. When I was mad at you you'd poke my face until I wasn't mad anymore. No matter what, you'd do anything for me. You'd drag me face to face to friends that I was in fights with. You stopped at my house to make sure I was okay when I wasn't. When my boyfriend broke up with me you offered to break his legs. You've done so much, that I can't even start to list it all.

All in all
The past five years have been hell and happiness in some weird combination. I don't know how to explain them, I can't put words to them. I can't say they were all a cakewalk, but I've learned a lot about myself and that I'll take with me wherever I choose to go. No matter what I'll remember everything and I'll cherish it all forever. No matter where you go, what you do, who you do it with, you'll always know that I'm never forgetting.

I feel so much better.

Everyone is currently wondering what's up with my status, sooo, I'll explain it (:

I was having a chat with my good friend last night, who is also good friends with someone that I used to be exceptionally crazy about. For those of you who follow my blog regularly, it's the guy named Tim that I used to work with at Goodwill. And my good friend, is Skye who is also even more good friends with him. Anyhow, we were having a fairly normal, relatively calm chat yesterday afternoooon, and then I said how frustrated I was with myself that I still wear the perfume that Tim gave me for Christmas this past year. She went on about how it's not a bad thing, and that SHE actually picked it, and not him. So strike one Tim, you lied about that one. We then brought up the one thing that split the two of us apart in the first place, his ex gf, who I'm not even going to bother to put a name to because it's unneccesary. We started talking about her, and everything that's happened between the time that Tim let me go and today (well, yesterday, actually).

Then, she mentions the fact on WHY we never actually dated. The equation was basically simple~ I liked him. He liked me. Bam, done. Ehhh, not really. She said that his parents- yes, his parents- were telling him that I was too young for him. His family, who had never a day in their lives met me, was judging me. Well this ones for them- I may be sixteen years old, but I work two jobs. I have a brother who I've helped raise because he's disabled. I partly run a family business, and I'm on the honor roll. I've never touched alcohol or a cigarette, I have big dreams that I know I'll fulfill. I've never walked in past curfew and never been grounded more than a day. BUt these people, who have never ever met me, were judging me.

And he listened to them! So he went galloping right back to his ex who is only two years older than I am, and left me completely without any other say. Strike two, Tim, letting others tell you what to do. You never striked me as that type.

Here's the icing on the cake. He went to Skye's house one day last week, per normal. He asked how I was. She tells him I'm great. He asks if I have a boyfriend. She says no. He asks if any guys like me, or are interested in me. She says yes. He wants to know who. She tells him. He flips out. She continued to tell him how happy I am, with just the mere thought of someone else.

Strike three, Tim, acting concerned because I'm happy, and acting like you actually give a damn about me anymore.

So. Screw you. Screw all of it. Screw them for trying to tell you what to do. Screw you for letting them. You disgust me, in every single way. And if I ever see you again, I will probably rip your eyes out of your face. I gave you everything, I tried so damn hard, And you gave me nothing. So screw you, hope you have a nice life.

Oh, and PS, if you try to crawl back when I'm a little older, it's not gonna happen. You've caused way too much.

I know it's hard to hate anyone, but.........

just because i feel this way doesnt mean i want to

September 2nd, 2009 til June 17th, 2010

I figured I might as well do something like this for myself.

These, are my top ten things that occured this year that hold weight to them.
When I think of junior year, I think of these things-

10. Dying my hair blond
I know this doesn't seem like it would be on my list. But during April vacation, I decided to dye my hair blonde. So I did. At first I was scared as hell at what people were going to say about it. Just because it was so obnoxious, so different. In the end, I'm glad I did it. It looks amazing, and everyone ended up liking it. But the final though on this one though, is that, I liked it. And I felt good about it. It didn't matter what anyone else was going to say about it- because it made me a little bit more confident.

9. Nick and Ashleigh dating
Most people are going to think that this would be higher up on my list, since it caused so much everyone felt different things about it. But, this is about me, and I'm only putting at number nine because even though it hurt, I'm happy it happened. Yes, it is my ex boyfriend that I had one hell of a time getting over. But I did that. And she's happy. And he's happy. Together they are one, and that's all that's important is that together they are happy. It doesn't matter how many nights I cried and lost sleep over it, how many days I didn't talk to either of them out of nothing but pure anger, or how many times I'd wish it could have been me. It made me stronger, it changed my outlook on so many different things, and it made me into a better person. Because of it, I really got intune with my emotions, and can now easily pinpoint exactly what causes a lot of what I'm feeling, both about relationships and about things that have nothing to do with them. All because of those two. (:

8. Getting my job at Goodwill, and then going out with someone who worked there.
Working at Goodwill really has changed my outlook on a lot of things. Shortly after I started there I met someone who changed my life and made me happy. Who I could be myself with and be happy with. I'm sorry to say that I miss him, so much. I miss how he made me laugh, how he fixed everything, and I'm also sorry to say that he let it all crumble down around me, and it's still sitting there in pieces. I've stepped over it and kept walking, but it's still scattered in shards everywhere. Every once in awhile I step in a piece of it. And it hurts like hell. Sometimes I wonder how I even wake up in the morning, that's how important he was to me. I was just never that important to him.

7. Drawing something for Ian
For those who don't know, at the beginning of the year, I drew Ian a picture of his iPod, (to exact specs, might I add) with the exact number of songs he had on it at that point, with the headphones twisting above it to say IAN, and then wrote lyrics at the bottom. That damn thing took me almost three days in its entirety, and I did it because I needed some tangible way to show him that I cared. I remember his reaction perfectly, as if it was yesterday. All I can say now, though, is I hope to God he still has it, because I put so much effort into it.

6. Not going to Junior Semi
Part of me regrets not going. I bought the dress, made the appointment for my hair, the whole nine yards. And now the dress sits in my closet, seeming as I never got to wear it. (Finally, I have something to wear it to, so it's not going to waste.) But not taking ONE night to go out and get allll dressed up, I dunno, I really feel like I should have. So many people yelled at me, Nick even stopped by my work on his way to pick up Ashleigh just to dig it in one last time that I should have been going. But past is past, and prom here we come <3

5. Making the decision to work two jobs at once
Sometimes I wonder if I really should have two jobs, because it gives me no room to work around. When I first started, I worked sixteen days straight. day off. another few weeks straight, day off. nine days, day off. It was so crazy, but in the end so far it's paid off quite nicely. But it just has proven to me that I'm strong and that I can do it. I've been doing it for the past 2 1/2 months and I've handled it just fine. Yes, it has meant giving up my social life. But that's okay- it'll come back once I'm back down to one.

4. Writing a six paged letter
I'm not going to say who it was to, except that it was to a 'he.' The people who need to know about it, know about it. But it was six pages, each line filled with my emotion, how much I care, and how much I should have been given a chance. I was still never given one, and probably never will be either. I accept that. Doesn't change the way I feel, even though it should. But, he still has it. I know that for a fact. And that means so much to me. Knowing that he at least cared enough not to rip it up and throw it away, just kind of gives me a happy feeling. I know that my words have sunk in, even if it's just a little. So I know he can't say that he doesn't know how I feel. Because all he has to do is read those six pages, and he will.

3. Blow out with Troy
This blow out tops every single blow out I've ever, ever had. I have never had anyone say the words to me that he said to me that day. I will never be able to forgive them, because they are unspeakable and unthinkable. I don't know how in the hell he sleeps at night. But, it doesn't matter. It's in the past and so is he. After everything I tried to do to help him, to make him feel better, to make him see that there's so much more out there that he hasn't seen yet, nope. He treated me like that. No one has ever treated me that way, and because of that, no one ever will. Ever again.

2. Going to the Caribbean
Obviously I had to put this on my list. But this trip was one of the better I've had. I got to go ziplining through the jungle, just me and my mom. I didn't get a horrible sunburn and I spent an entire week with my family. I enjoyed every minute of it and didn't let myself get wrapped up in the stupidity of what was going on back home. It was perfect and I can't wait til next year.

And last, the one thing that I think about when I think about my Junior Year...


1. Meeting Scott
Naturally, this is my number one. I've never felt this way about anyone else, so obviously this is the top of my list. He'll never realize it, but he's changed my life in so many ways. He's made me smile, cry, want to run away and hide, and everything in between. No matter what has happened between October and now, he's always going to be important to me. It's been extremely difficult not seeing him like I used to, even if it was just in passing. But he made so many memories for my Junior year, that I can't even write them all down. He'll never realize how special he is to me, and how many times I wished he could just see that. Even though I tried, again and again, I realize that I've failed, each occasion. But I'll take that and use it to build myself for whatever comes next. Whatever that may be, whoever that may be, how ever and when ever it decides to come. Nothing and no one can ever take the place that Scott will hold in my heart for a very long time, and I dare anyone to try, because you won't. I know that eventually he'll just fade, and it sickens me to know that's gonna happen. But in all reality, it IS going to happen, just like he always did all those times before. WIth that all said, when I look back on my third year at Central High School, he tops the list. 100% without a doubt. Thanks for the memories, best of luck, congratulations, and I'll miss you.

2010(: