vrooom vrooooom.
I love driving in rain. It just gets me out and I can roam the world <3
Okay fine, Manchester and Hooksett. But I can do it!
vrooom vroooooom.
Anyways.
I'm not going to discuss today's events. Because none of it was my fault. Mod B, Nick's truck, all of, nothing to do with me, so I'm not going to drag myself down with it.
I'm going to open my heart and let the emotion leap out. :)
If only you could see what it is that you do to me. Every time I hear your name my ears perk up like antennae. Like, not literally, its physically impossible to do that, but they do, they're like pretuned to your name. And today when I was walking up the stairs I saw one of those repair guys walking out of the gym and he looked so much like you that i thought it was and my heart skipped a beat and i had to start gasping for air. i smile when i see your truck and my mind doesn't stay off of you. you are one amazing individual, and every time i look into your eyes i melt. i really do. you have the most amazing eyes ever <3. your caring and funny and nice and after some of the things i've been through i've never thought that i'd end up this way, wanting you, and only you. i can't explain how... completed that makes me feel. i really can't. it's like that fuzzy warm sitting in front of a fireplace feeling. and i don't ever want that to go away. you've made me whole again, made me better, fixed what was wrong. someone like you has been impossible to find thusfar and i never wanna let go.<3
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
SEJRDVJ IM SO EXCITEDD!!
So I'm slowly working my way back into the dance world, right? and i was putting in a piece of something i did in an old routine, its hard to explain in plain english but its like a jump thing, and i just got INCREDIBLE HEIGHT!
i'm so excited. you have no idea.
this means.. that my back is finally starting to fully heal.
HELL YEAH!
i'm so excited. you have no idea.
this means.. that my back is finally starting to fully heal.
HELL YEAH!
it's the holiday season?
it's officially "happy holidays," but is anyone ACTUALLY happy?
It doesn't feel like winter and certainly doesn't feel like the holidays.
It doesn't feel like winter and certainly doesn't feel like the holidays.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
it ticks just like a timex... that never lets up on you.
I never saw myself as a weak individual. I'd been through a lot- not more than most, but still a lot- deaths of people close to me, and things like watching your close friends walk away from you, or not being able to dance because of an injury or two. I'd been able to get through all of that. And still managed to come out on top. It wasn't until these past few months that I have realized, I am a quitter. I. am. weak. I am one weak willed, bail me out of jail individual. This is going to be a pretty deep post, so stop reading now if you're gonna give me crap about it.
So in this class they have called American Studies, there was a girl fighting her ass off to scrape by. Struggling to pass with a hardly satisfactory grade. This went on and on. She tried everything- different study habits, note taking, everything. And still, she resulted in fourty percents and misery. Stressed out to the max, she's breaking down in a heap with all those textbooks open sprawled out around her. Not knowing what tomorrow would bring, she'd put every ounce she could muster into it, only to get shot down each and every time she tried to participate, or even attempt to answer a question up to par. She did this day in and day out for September. And October. And part of November. And by that point, the 60's in English and the 40's in history had piled high enough, and dealing with two teachers who had college expectations in a high school classroom, she did what needed to be done- and walked away. After being told
One year previous, she had been given the biggest honor she'd ever dreamed of- Dance Team Captain. Narrowly, but she had made it. She could take her visions, her hopes, her dreams, and shape this team she loved with all her heart into something amazing, in the effort that everyone a part of it would feel what she felt- that this team would be substantial, dynamite, a force to be reckoned with. Unstoppable. Unsinkable. But the TItanic still went down anyway, Leonardo DiCaprio still froze miserably, Kate Winslet left heartbroken, and the beautiful gem she once loved with all her heart only now a memory in the bottom of the deepest depths of the Atlantic. It crumbled under her reign, for she was never a proper leader. She never did anything right, and more times than one were spent in an office with a coordinator with no compassion for her as those tears fell. Just to throw that extra log on the fire, she was given a cocaptain, kicked off of the position that she'd worked hard for almost two years to uphold. The new girl, had done nothing to deserve this, she put in no effort, she didn't strain herself time and time again, she didn't dance on a completely busted wrist or a bad knee. She hadn't been exiled the entire year previous to push and shove her way into the position she deserved to have, no matter how anyone looked at it. SO after six months, enough was enough, and she walked away from her dreams, once and for all. She became a quitter.
A bit into the personal level now, she gave years of her life loving someone who she always knew was worth the time she was giving him. She wanted him in her life more than anything. Never having felt this way, she layed it all out on the line for him. And much to her surprise, he returned it. After over three and a half years of dancing in a circle, looking back and always regretting, she was finally happy. Everything else was insignificant if it didn't involve him, and it was most important to her at that time to have his support, to have him there to hold her, kiss her gently, and say, no matter what happens, I will be here, loving you. And when her fairy tale romance ended, the castle that represented her life came crashing down with it. After many rivers cried, bridges rebuilt, he went back to her, and he rebuilt her kingdom. But no princess shall live in a castle for too long, and the prince found himself a new courtship to attain to. And she did not fight for it. He walked away and she let him. She fought the odds for him for years, and she couldn't fight for him anymore. Because it was at this point that she knew, she would never be his ever again. She let him go. She is a quitter.
After that inital ache was past, she found someone who completed the pieces of her heart, made her feel whole again. Worthwhile, even. He made her life worth living, never realizinge exactly what he had done that saved her life. But he had someone else who cared about him in the same way she did, and she stepped aside and let him make his decision. Which, somehow, did not include her. Thankful to at least have someone this special in her life, she let him go too. She never fought hard enough for him. She had failed him. She became a quitter.
So then she turned to someone entirely new, and give him almost everything she was. She was open and expressive with him, and he returned. SHe let him in, and got herself attached. He betrayed her. He chose his girlfriend over her, and he betrayed her. And she didn't fight back against that. How could she? She became a quitter. she got I TOLD YOU SO spat in her face by her close friend, and stabbed in the heart by them both. She couldn't even decipher which one hurt more.
Meanwhile, this girl had started out somewhere new. She never did anything to her knowledge to anger anyone, and always did what was asked of her. And for the most part, it seemed she was accepted there. But it turns out, she's not sure if she was. She'd tried so hard to be, and gave up trying. Because quite frankly there was nothing she could do about it. She became a quitter.
And then this girl got a job at aplace that touched her heart and truly hit home. Here, she does great things for great people every day. She helps to support the people who can't always support themselves. She loves what she does, and hopes to continue forth being a part of that community. If only they knew how important work was to her, if only they could see how being there erases everything else thats going on with her life, how it truly saves her, every single day.
But most importantly, she has tried to show you what he did to her. What damage he caused her. Because you don't fully see it. You don't feel it. You understand it, you have listened, but she has tried to warn you on who he is and exactly what he is capable of doing. But, she can't tell you anymore. She will stand by you, always, and she will never leave you. But she has warned you. She's done trying to explain- she gave up trying- she became a quitter.
She's waiting now for her life to turn around, to become worth living again.
&& She's waited patiently.
You better go and get your armor....
So in this class they have called American Studies, there was a girl fighting her ass off to scrape by. Struggling to pass with a hardly satisfactory grade. This went on and on. She tried everything- different study habits, note taking, everything. And still, she resulted in fourty percents and misery. Stressed out to the max, she's breaking down in a heap with all those textbooks open sprawled out around her. Not knowing what tomorrow would bring, she'd put every ounce she could muster into it, only to get shot down each and every time she tried to participate, or even attempt to answer a question up to par. She did this day in and day out for September. And October. And part of November. And by that point, the 60's in English and the 40's in history had piled high enough, and dealing with two teachers who had college expectations in a high school classroom, she did what needed to be done- and walked away. After being told
You never striked me as the type to throw in the white flag. You've always seemed stubborn enough to go for what you want.Well, she threw in that white flag. She became a quitter.
One year previous, she had been given the biggest honor she'd ever dreamed of- Dance Team Captain. Narrowly, but she had made it. She could take her visions, her hopes, her dreams, and shape this team she loved with all her heart into something amazing, in the effort that everyone a part of it would feel what she felt- that this team would be substantial, dynamite, a force to be reckoned with. Unstoppable. Unsinkable. But the TItanic still went down anyway, Leonardo DiCaprio still froze miserably, Kate Winslet left heartbroken, and the beautiful gem she once loved with all her heart only now a memory in the bottom of the deepest depths of the Atlantic. It crumbled under her reign, for she was never a proper leader. She never did anything right, and more times than one were spent in an office with a coordinator with no compassion for her as those tears fell. Just to throw that extra log on the fire, she was given a cocaptain, kicked off of the position that she'd worked hard for almost two years to uphold. The new girl, had done nothing to deserve this, she put in no effort, she didn't strain herself time and time again, she didn't dance on a completely busted wrist or a bad knee. She hadn't been exiled the entire year previous to push and shove her way into the position she deserved to have, no matter how anyone looked at it. SO after six months, enough was enough, and she walked away from her dreams, once and for all. She became a quitter.
A bit into the personal level now, she gave years of her life loving someone who she always knew was worth the time she was giving him. She wanted him in her life more than anything. Never having felt this way, she layed it all out on the line for him. And much to her surprise, he returned it. After over three and a half years of dancing in a circle, looking back and always regretting, she was finally happy. Everything else was insignificant if it didn't involve him, and it was most important to her at that time to have his support, to have him there to hold her, kiss her gently, and say, no matter what happens, I will be here, loving you. And when her fairy tale romance ended, the castle that represented her life came crashing down with it. After many rivers cried, bridges rebuilt, he went back to her, and he rebuilt her kingdom. But no princess shall live in a castle for too long, and the prince found himself a new courtship to attain to. And she did not fight for it. He walked away and she let him. She fought the odds for him for years, and she couldn't fight for him anymore. Because it was at this point that she knew, she would never be his ever again. She let him go. She is a quitter.
After that inital ache was past, she found someone who completed the pieces of her heart, made her feel whole again. Worthwhile, even. He made her life worth living, never realizinge exactly what he had done that saved her life. But he had someone else who cared about him in the same way she did, and she stepped aside and let him make his decision. Which, somehow, did not include her. Thankful to at least have someone this special in her life, she let him go too. She never fought hard enough for him. She had failed him. She became a quitter.
So then she turned to someone entirely new, and give him almost everything she was. She was open and expressive with him, and he returned. SHe let him in, and got herself attached. He betrayed her. He chose his girlfriend over her, and he betrayed her. And she didn't fight back against that. How could she? She became a quitter. she got I TOLD YOU SO spat in her face by her close friend, and stabbed in the heart by them both. She couldn't even decipher which one hurt more.
Meanwhile, this girl had started out somewhere new. She never did anything to her knowledge to anger anyone, and always did what was asked of her. And for the most part, it seemed she was accepted there. But it turns out, she's not sure if she was. She'd tried so hard to be, and gave up trying. Because quite frankly there was nothing she could do about it. She became a quitter.
And then this girl got a job at aplace that touched her heart and truly hit home. Here, she does great things for great people every day. She helps to support the people who can't always support themselves. She loves what she does, and hopes to continue forth being a part of that community. If only they knew how important work was to her, if only they could see how being there erases everything else thats going on with her life, how it truly saves her, every single day.
But most importantly, she has tried to show you what he did to her. What damage he caused her. Because you don't fully see it. You don't feel it. You understand it, you have listened, but she has tried to warn you on who he is and exactly what he is capable of doing. But, she can't tell you anymore. She will stand by you, always, and she will never leave you. But she has warned you. She's done trying to explain- she gave up trying- she became a quitter.
She's waiting now for her life to turn around, to become worth living again.
&& She's waited patiently.
You better go and get your armor....
Friday, November 27, 2009
you just dont get it, do you?
no one will ever fully understand the exact pain that i feel right now, and that i have felt for a long time coming, and that i don't know when exactly will go away. no one will quite understand that nothing can completely fix everything thats been done;; everything that's been said. it can't, it really can't.
luckily for me, there is one single way that takes away from that, that makes me drop it, forget it, leave it all behind for a few hours, let my mind escape out of the depths of your darkness. and now, even that's not working anymore.
i'm done carrying this on my shoulders.
word of the wise- trust no one.
luckily for me, there is one single way that takes away from that, that makes me drop it, forget it, leave it all behind for a few hours, let my mind escape out of the depths of your darkness. and now, even that's not working anymore.
i'm done carrying this on my shoulders.
word of the wise- trust no one.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
"And there's so much to be thankful for"
First and foremost, I am thankful for my brother. Because he shows me the meaning of life, the true meaning, every single day. He is my inspiration, my life, and he makes me who I want to be. He's the best person in this world to date, and that will never change. I love you <3
Also, for my parents, who have always stood by me and supported me, and helped me through anything, because even though they frustrate me and I want to walk out half the time, I really do have amazing parents, and I am thankful that their relationship has weathered the storms of our life and still going <3
But my main reason for this post was to write what I am truly thankful for.. unfamily related.
Firstly, yes I just made up that word, Ian. Because from the first day that I started talking to you, you were supportive of me. Not once have you judged me, my feelings, or what I say or do. You've backed me up on everything 100 percent since day one. You've not once turned your back on me, not once looked away, and you have never, ever betrayed me. You don't know what your friendship has meant to me, and I am so thankful for all the things that you've done over the past, six months or so? Because that's how long we have been friends, and every day of those six months you have been by my side and been like a dream, you are amazing, and I can never express how thankful I am for everything that you've done for me. Happy Thanksgiving :)
Ashleigh. you are without a doubt my best friend, and i absolutely love you to pieces. you've supported me through thick and thin and no matter what i know that you'll be there to listen to me and help me in any way that you can. and i hope that you know that i will never leave you, never walk away, despite anything that can happen. there will be rough points, because sisters fight every now and again <3
Kevin Owen Kelley, where the hell am I supposed to start. For two years I walked right by you, way too scared to stop and talk to you. So I didn't. But I am thankful that today, and every day from here on out, I know I can count on you, and that if I ever need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to get all up in my face and make me laugh, I know exactly who I can turn to. You are one amazing individual, and I am so happy to have you in my life.
Taylor :) haha from the first day I sat down and introduced myself, you looked at me with a completely straight face and said, I know. And that really took me by surprise; I've never had anyone do something like that to me. And ever since that day you have been one of those people who I have been able to count on, and truly talk to. And you always have the best words of wisdom, and you look out for MY best interests, and what's going to be best for ME. Thank you, for always listening to every last word I have to say, and being one of those friends that I've needed to be compassionate but to tell me how it really is. :)
Katie ! I'll never be able to thank you enough for all your help over the years, especially freshman year, you know what I'm talking about... if not for you I would have probably stayed there, put myself through hell, and probably would have gotten a whole lot more hurt than I did. You truly are a guardian angel, and I couldn't have gotten through that without you. And you know that I am always here for you, that I will do whatever it takes for you, because I help those who help me.
Lastly, there is one person that I am thankful for. Not for him, but for his actions. I am thankful that he broke my heart, that it ripped it out and stomped on it, that he didn't care enough to be gentle, I am thankful that he killed me inside for so long. Why? Because by doing this, he made me strong. He built me up inside, after years of tearing me down. He made life hell, he made me want to die some days, he made me cry and wonder what on earth I did to deserve this. But because of him, I have gotten close to someone that I never would have pictured. I've gotten the opportunity to meet someone that I wouldn't have met before. I've been able to spend time with someone that I deeply care about, and I can openly do that, because of what you did to try to destroy me. Look at me now, though- I'm not destroyed, I'm not down. Because of you, I have him in my life, and that is one of the biggest things I have to be thankful for.
So thank you for breaking my heart, for making me want to die, for making my life a miserable, living hell.
I'll never be able to repay you for it.
Because of that, I am happy. He makes me happy. I am thankful for Scott, the one person in my life that can stop my heart just by walking by<3
Happy Thanksgiving everybody, I love you all :)
Time to wrap Christmas presentsssss.
Also, for my parents, who have always stood by me and supported me, and helped me through anything, because even though they frustrate me and I want to walk out half the time, I really do have amazing parents, and I am thankful that their relationship has weathered the storms of our life and still going <3
But my main reason for this post was to write what I am truly thankful for.. unfamily related.
Firstly, yes I just made up that word, Ian. Because from the first day that I started talking to you, you were supportive of me. Not once have you judged me, my feelings, or what I say or do. You've backed me up on everything 100 percent since day one. You've not once turned your back on me, not once looked away, and you have never, ever betrayed me. You don't know what your friendship has meant to me, and I am so thankful for all the things that you've done over the past, six months or so? Because that's how long we have been friends, and every day of those six months you have been by my side and been like a dream, you are amazing, and I can never express how thankful I am for everything that you've done for me. Happy Thanksgiving :)
Ashleigh. you are without a doubt my best friend, and i absolutely love you to pieces. you've supported me through thick and thin and no matter what i know that you'll be there to listen to me and help me in any way that you can. and i hope that you know that i will never leave you, never walk away, despite anything that can happen. there will be rough points, because sisters fight every now and again <3
Kevin Owen Kelley, where the hell am I supposed to start. For two years I walked right by you, way too scared to stop and talk to you. So I didn't. But I am thankful that today, and every day from here on out, I know I can count on you, and that if I ever need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to get all up in my face and make me laugh, I know exactly who I can turn to. You are one amazing individual, and I am so happy to have you in my life.
Taylor :) haha from the first day I sat down and introduced myself, you looked at me with a completely straight face and said, I know. And that really took me by surprise; I've never had anyone do something like that to me. And ever since that day you have been one of those people who I have been able to count on, and truly talk to. And you always have the best words of wisdom, and you look out for MY best interests, and what's going to be best for ME. Thank you, for always listening to every last word I have to say, and being one of those friends that I've needed to be compassionate but to tell me how it really is. :)
Katie ! I'll never be able to thank you enough for all your help over the years, especially freshman year, you know what I'm talking about... if not for you I would have probably stayed there, put myself through hell, and probably would have gotten a whole lot more hurt than I did. You truly are a guardian angel, and I couldn't have gotten through that without you. And you know that I am always here for you, that I will do whatever it takes for you, because I help those who help me.
Lastly, there is one person that I am thankful for. Not for him, but for his actions. I am thankful that he broke my heart, that it ripped it out and stomped on it, that he didn't care enough to be gentle, I am thankful that he killed me inside for so long. Why? Because by doing this, he made me strong. He built me up inside, after years of tearing me down. He made life hell, he made me want to die some days, he made me cry and wonder what on earth I did to deserve this. But because of him, I have gotten close to someone that I never would have pictured. I've gotten the opportunity to meet someone that I wouldn't have met before. I've been able to spend time with someone that I deeply care about, and I can openly do that, because of what you did to try to destroy me. Look at me now, though- I'm not destroyed, I'm not down. Because of you, I have him in my life, and that is one of the biggest things I have to be thankful for.
So thank you for breaking my heart, for making me want to die, for making my life a miserable, living hell.
I'll never be able to repay you for it.
Because of that, I am happy. He makes me happy. I am thankful for Scott, the one person in my life that can stop my heart just by walking by<3
Happy Thanksgiving everybody, I love you all :)
Time to wrap Christmas presentsssss.
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