This is just another bump on the road to being happy.
I've decided that I'm not going to cave and throw in the towel because of this. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and a second chance. Because I think that you deserve it. There's going to be a lot that we need to talk about, for sure, but we can work through this.
We can do it. Together we can conquer it. Fix it, make it better.
And be happy.
Together.
<3
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
you failed me...
you like me, you want to be with me, you want that chance to me, you kiss me, you hug me, you wait for me...
but you have a girlfriend?
i'm not sure i understand the emotion i am feeling right now...
but you have a girlfriend?
i'm not sure i understand the emotion i am feeling right now...
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Feel better, Damnit!
So much to talk abouttttt.
So AMSTUD History teacher assigns a "one to two paged essay" due the next morning... on a topic so vague I had no idea where to start. I didn't even know how to answer the darned question. I'm still shaky about what I finally passed in. It was hard getting it done too, as you'll see below, but I surprised even myself and managed to turn out some quality, as you'll see below as well, considering the circumstance.
Last night, work 3:30 to 9:30. With a supervisor who I don't always see eye to eye with necessarily, but that can be worked out and around without all that much of an effort. But, as working the cash register, by myself, I hit my head on the counter. It's really quite simple, I went to throw something in the trash can and hit my head. Killed like you wouldn't believe, and still does. I looked like a total idiot walking around with the heel of my hand up against my head where I'd just hit it. But I was also the ONLY person working the sales floor. By myself. Which in some cases I find quite honorable, seeing as they have enough faith in me to do that. I think it's great, you know. But on the second hand, I've been there a matter of not quite two months now, and how do I feel about working the whole floor alone? I don't like it. And then I asked my supervisor about it, asking if I could have some help or at least a replacement, it was denyed? Whatever....
My head still kills :(
Then I get home, and my dad is LIVID. I can see it in his eyes. He found my away message, which stated "how am i supposed to write a two paged essay while working till 930? hmmm... text me" and so, he saw that i had an essay, that I had not written, at all. flipped out, completely. how he'd take my car and ground me for so long that i'd have to learn how to use a computer again by the time i saw it next. whole nine yards. what pissed him off though is that i had NO idea who had IMed me, simply because they IM'ed my away message... I hadn't actually said anything and knew nothing about it. And he thought I was lying to him. When I really wasn't, you know? I didn't know. It's better now though I think... not quite sure? Hmm.
Due to that, it was a bit of a rough morning. So I left the house a few minutes earlier than I usually do, and treated myself to a much needed and well deserved iced coffee. Yep, I'd drink an iced coffee in 40 degree weather. I didn't really care how cold it was to be honest, it was more for the content. Plus I'm one of those major straw chewers, which I know is horrible, but it just made me feel better. So while drinking my iced coffee and walking up the street with Ashleigh, we were going to stop and say hello to scottt <3 But wait. We can't. Nick's there! Which I downright and completely refuse to be there while Nick is. I can't be around him, I'm done with him, and I'm officially refusing to be under his spell of tortures anymore. Ashleigh feels the same way, although I think she'd actually cause him physical harm if she was close enough. So we just kept walking. Scott was upset by this- and I told him, and he understood. After a little convincing. But hey, it's cool. Got to meet up with him a few times today, which was nice having someone care, ask you how your days going, give you a kiss and say it's going to be okay. And then when your on your way out, telling you to take it easy. In a good way, haha. He's so great- he's that light at the end of the tunnel. I knew there was a reason for all of this and that reason being I came out becoming close to him. It's still early, and I know that. But it's okay. I'm content. <3
So back to the AMSTUD story... I'm out. Officially, tomorrow morning at about 7:30 when I bring in my stack of books to hand into him. And I now get out of school earlier, which isn't a bother to me at all :) it's great. I went into guidance, and my councelor was like, so hows it going? and I just looked at him and broke down into tears. I could see in his face that he was shocked, how many people get this emotional about their classes? I do, anyway. Because I know that this is what's going to shape the rest of my life. Where I go, what I do. Anyway. So I tell him that I'm in Level 4 Amstud, and that I need out. That I'm failing miserably and I'm completely drowning and I just need out. Few clicks on the computer, and he has my schedule up, ready to change it. No questions asked. During that process, he reassured me that it's okay, and that he gives me the upmost credit for trying it out in the first place, and discussed with me what my options are in terms of switching into new classes. He gave me the option on what I wanted, when I wanted it. So I picked to go into College Comp. Mod D, and have US History Mod F. (I chose carefully with my teachers, haha.) G and H off, kind of fabulous I think! It's going to work out really well having that extra bit of time to finish up more work and what not. And afterwards, he asked me about my having mod H off- which I told him I had a special case permission from Mr. Mailhot, (in where the tears start again, which always do when it comes to my brother) and he said it wasn't a problem and worked around it :) I gotta say Mr. Cannon is the greatest- told me not to take it personal, that i'm personally NOT a failure, and that I'm still going to go to college and have a great life. Quote, unquote. I left school feeling optomistic, finally happy again.
So then I get out of school, go down to the tailor's for my dress fitting :D The seamstress is quite amazing, she's this adorable little french woman with a thick accent quite like my grandmothers, so it was sort of comforting in that way, and she knew exactly what i wanted and i can tell already that it's going to come out perfecttt <3 Go into Goodwill, see Skye, get Ashleigh's app, it's allll goood.
It's kind of like... this huge burden has been lifted off of me. I'm not under Nick's wing anymore. He took me in when my own wings were broken. But I'm healed now, ready to break out and fly. And I did that. The other part being burdened down and so stressed out for just about two months on a class that I never foresaw myself being in in the first place. It's great you know. It really is.
I'm.. free.
Feel better, damnit. I have the best friends, on the face of the planet.
So since I'm feeling all happppy, I'm going to give a few shout outs.
IAN! you've been so supportive through everything, you've never judged me like everyone else has, you've been the best. no matter how much you deny that. thank you for everything :)
Ash<3 you know your my best friend, but let me just say that a few more times :) you know just what to say always to make me realize the light in the situation. i couldn't have done this without you.
Kevinnn (: you are, the funniest guy I have ever met, legit, and the fact that you give the BEST hugs EVER only adds to your amazingness. We haven't even been friends that long and already i can't live without you. :)
Taylor~ you've been so open with me and been one of the best people to turn to just to talk, because you don't judge me either. you hardly even know me, but you don't judge me. you're honest. and have sympathy. but you tell me things straight up, no sugar coating, and i need that. thanksss :)
Alrighty, I'm wiped out.
Since i'm out of amstud, i have zero homework for this evening. well i have a bit of french, but i can do that in the morning. isn't that fabulous :)
So AMSTUD History teacher assigns a "one to two paged essay" due the next morning... on a topic so vague I had no idea where to start. I didn't even know how to answer the darned question. I'm still shaky about what I finally passed in. It was hard getting it done too, as you'll see below, but I surprised even myself and managed to turn out some quality, as you'll see below as well, considering the circumstance.
Last night, work 3:30 to 9:30. With a supervisor who I don't always see eye to eye with necessarily, but that can be worked out and around without all that much of an effort. But, as working the cash register, by myself, I hit my head on the counter. It's really quite simple, I went to throw something in the trash can and hit my head. Killed like you wouldn't believe, and still does. I looked like a total idiot walking around with the heel of my hand up against my head where I'd just hit it. But I was also the ONLY person working the sales floor. By myself. Which in some cases I find quite honorable, seeing as they have enough faith in me to do that. I think it's great, you know. But on the second hand, I've been there a matter of not quite two months now, and how do I feel about working the whole floor alone? I don't like it. And then I asked my supervisor about it, asking if I could have some help or at least a replacement, it was denyed? Whatever....
My head still kills :(
Then I get home, and my dad is LIVID. I can see it in his eyes. He found my away message, which stated "how am i supposed to write a two paged essay while working till 930? hmmm... text me" and so, he saw that i had an essay, that I had not written, at all. flipped out, completely. how he'd take my car and ground me for so long that i'd have to learn how to use a computer again by the time i saw it next. whole nine yards. what pissed him off though is that i had NO idea who had IMed me, simply because they IM'ed my away message... I hadn't actually said anything and knew nothing about it. And he thought I was lying to him. When I really wasn't, you know? I didn't know. It's better now though I think... not quite sure? Hmm.
Due to that, it was a bit of a rough morning. So I left the house a few minutes earlier than I usually do, and treated myself to a much needed and well deserved iced coffee. Yep, I'd drink an iced coffee in 40 degree weather. I didn't really care how cold it was to be honest, it was more for the content. Plus I'm one of those major straw chewers, which I know is horrible, but it just made me feel better. So while drinking my iced coffee and walking up the street with Ashleigh, we were going to stop and say hello to scottt <3 But wait. We can't. Nick's there! Which I downright and completely refuse to be there while Nick is. I can't be around him, I'm done with him, and I'm officially refusing to be under his spell of tortures anymore. Ashleigh feels the same way, although I think she'd actually cause him physical harm if she was close enough. So we just kept walking. Scott was upset by this- and I told him, and he understood. After a little convincing. But hey, it's cool. Got to meet up with him a few times today, which was nice having someone care, ask you how your days going, give you a kiss and say it's going to be okay. And then when your on your way out, telling you to take it easy. In a good way, haha. He's so great- he's that light at the end of the tunnel. I knew there was a reason for all of this and that reason being I came out becoming close to him. It's still early, and I know that. But it's okay. I'm content. <3
So back to the AMSTUD story... I'm out. Officially, tomorrow morning at about 7:30 when I bring in my stack of books to hand into him. And I now get out of school earlier, which isn't a bother to me at all :) it's great. I went into guidance, and my councelor was like, so hows it going? and I just looked at him and broke down into tears. I could see in his face that he was shocked, how many people get this emotional about their classes? I do, anyway. Because I know that this is what's going to shape the rest of my life. Where I go, what I do. Anyway. So I tell him that I'm in Level 4 Amstud, and that I need out. That I'm failing miserably and I'm completely drowning and I just need out. Few clicks on the computer, and he has my schedule up, ready to change it. No questions asked. During that process, he reassured me that it's okay, and that he gives me the upmost credit for trying it out in the first place, and discussed with me what my options are in terms of switching into new classes. He gave me the option on what I wanted, when I wanted it. So I picked to go into College Comp. Mod D, and have US History Mod F. (I chose carefully with my teachers, haha.) G and H off, kind of fabulous I think! It's going to work out really well having that extra bit of time to finish up more work and what not. And afterwards, he asked me about my having mod H off- which I told him I had a special case permission from Mr. Mailhot, (in where the tears start again, which always do when it comes to my brother) and he said it wasn't a problem and worked around it :) I gotta say Mr. Cannon is the greatest- told me not to take it personal, that i'm personally NOT a failure, and that I'm still going to go to college and have a great life. Quote, unquote. I left school feeling optomistic, finally happy again.
So then I get out of school, go down to the tailor's for my dress fitting :D The seamstress is quite amazing, she's this adorable little french woman with a thick accent quite like my grandmothers, so it was sort of comforting in that way, and she knew exactly what i wanted and i can tell already that it's going to come out perfecttt <3 Go into Goodwill, see Skye, get Ashleigh's app, it's allll goood.
It's kind of like... this huge burden has been lifted off of me. I'm not under Nick's wing anymore. He took me in when my own wings were broken. But I'm healed now, ready to break out and fly. And I did that. The other part being burdened down and so stressed out for just about two months on a class that I never foresaw myself being in in the first place. It's great you know. It really is.
I'm.. free.
Feel better, damnit. I have the best friends, on the face of the planet.
So since I'm feeling all happppy, I'm going to give a few shout outs.
IAN! you've been so supportive through everything, you've never judged me like everyone else has, you've been the best. no matter how much you deny that. thank you for everything :)
Ash<3 you know your my best friend, but let me just say that a few more times :) you know just what to say always to make me realize the light in the situation. i couldn't have done this without you.
Kevinnn (: you are, the funniest guy I have ever met, legit, and the fact that you give the BEST hugs EVER only adds to your amazingness. We haven't even been friends that long and already i can't live without you. :)
Taylor~ you've been so open with me and been one of the best people to turn to just to talk, because you don't judge me either. you hardly even know me, but you don't judge me. you're honest. and have sympathy. but you tell me things straight up, no sugar coating, and i need that. thanksss :)
Alrighty, I'm wiped out.
Since i'm out of amstud, i have zero homework for this evening. well i have a bit of french, but i can do that in the morning. isn't that fabulous :)
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
It's all coming together
I haven't felt this way in so long. It's so... amazing. It's overjoying. I can't describe how perfect this.
Nothing can bring me down. Not today.
I have to work until nine thirty AND write a two paged essay that i know nothing about for a class that i'm not going to be in much longer.
but nothing can bring me down today :D
I think I need to write one. last. note. to get my point across, and finish this up for good. This is an all time low, even for you. But it'll be done and finished with.
Alrighty, I'm going to figure out what the heck I'm doing for this essay that i know nothing about for a class that i'm not going to be in much longer XD
two hometown hearts, up against the world.
you. are. a.ma.zing.<3
Nothing can bring me down. Not today.
I have to work until nine thirty AND write a two paged essay that i know nothing about for a class that i'm not going to be in much longer.
but nothing can bring me down today :D
I think I need to write one. last. note. to get my point across, and finish this up for good. This is an all time low, even for you. But it'll be done and finished with.
Alrighty, I'm going to figure out what the heck I'm doing for this essay that i know nothing about for a class that i'm not going to be in much longer XD
two hometown hearts, up against the world.
you. are. a.ma.zing.<3
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Leaving now, forever looking back
So after getting two tests back today, one passing by three points, the other failing with a 43%, I have formally decided that American Studies is by no means where I am supposed to be. I have put forth every single ounce of effort I have into that class, and I keep failing. I'm throwing in the towel, I want out. I can't keep putting myself through this. I'm done. Goodbye. I will switch around whatever I need to switch around to get out. So here is how my schedule is *probably* going to be looking now...Math A, Myth B and college comp C second semester, then USH mod d, french e, Then I'll take chem F and G. that could work.
Yeah, I think that'll work out quite nicely for me. I'll keep mod b off the rest of this semester, then fill it next. I mean, obviously I can't have Silveira for USH, that's completely defeating the purpose.
I actually talked to my mom about this, and for once she is backing me up. She's on my side. She supports that I need to get out of this class and salvage myself for college and for my own sanity, of course. She's willing to sign whatever she needs to to get me out of this hell.
For a few minutes I thought of this as depressing, as quitting. But it's really not. I gave it everything I had and it just wasn't enough. So I see it as, valuing myself enough to know when to call it quits.
Other than the whole amstud fiasco, today was amazing. <3 Couldn't have asked for better.
My mom even said that she'd let me go to prom if it was with someone "decent that she could trust to come pick me up." Wowww. We've reached a huge milestone.
I'm starting to love my life again.
Yeah, I think that'll work out quite nicely for me. I'll keep mod b off the rest of this semester, then fill it next. I mean, obviously I can't have Silveira for USH, that's completely defeating the purpose.
I actually talked to my mom about this, and for once she is backing me up. She's on my side. She supports that I need to get out of this class and salvage myself for college and for my own sanity, of course. She's willing to sign whatever she needs to to get me out of this hell.
For a few minutes I thought of this as depressing, as quitting. But it's really not. I gave it everything I had and it just wasn't enough. So I see it as, valuing myself enough to know when to call it quits.
Other than the whole amstud fiasco, today was amazing. <3 Couldn't have asked for better.
My mom even said that she'd let me go to prom if it was with someone "decent that she could trust to come pick me up." Wowww. We've reached a huge milestone.
I'm starting to love my life again.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Failing Beautifully, I lost count of the days....
I finally know what I want. I really do. And that in itself is amazing, and then now I can put everything else behind me and just reach for the stars and hope for the best. <3
I'm really not in a talkative mood, why I'm not so sure to be honest, I think just finally realizing what the best thing for me would be and realizing that I can go for it shoved all the other stupid shit out of my head.
It's a great feeling.
I'm really not in a talkative mood, why I'm not so sure to be honest, I think just finally realizing what the best thing for me would be and realizing that I can go for it shoved all the other stupid shit out of my head.
It's a great feeling.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
inside i hope you know i'm dying...
... with my heart beside me, in shattered pieces that may never be replaced. and if i died right now, you'd never be the same...
So what a weekend it has been. Friday nights out are the best :) Had such a good time getting away from everything, kicking back, eating chocolate and watching a chick flick with one of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Saturday, work, eh, whatever right? But hey! My supervisior is AMAZZINGG, let me go home earrrly! I love rainy saturdays. And then today, not horrible either. had my fair share of laughs, because i love amelia and skyeeeee.
But what's going on right now though, is what's entirely different. We're finally talking, deciding what exactly went wrong. But do we want to fix it? I'm not sure. Is there anything worth saving? There used to be. But is there now? Like I said, I don't know. it's hard to grasp the fact that if it was me that's always been that special one then how could I have been dumped three times in a span of four months? You've done it again- you've crawled into the very depths of my soul and attached yourself so that I can't get along without you. And you want out of my life and you've kicked up a hell of a lot of dust on your fancy exit out. But I can't watch you leave.
On the other hand, i can't let you stay and prevent other opportunities from growing into something that could make me happy. you've made me happy for years. but you've done a lot of damage in that time too. i want him- he's made me happy so far. and i want it to grow into something that i'm happy with, but i'm not sure if it can or if it will. I really don't. And i don't know how long to wait for him. I waited for you- so shouldn't I wait for him? But I don't want to fall into another endless pit either.
It's hard to choose.
But I'm thinking that you've made the choice for me- someone else got into your head and fucked it up and screwed me over. Not you, me. Messed everything up for ME. You were fine. It was me that lost in the end. So now, I'm going to give him all the time he needs. I'm going to work at this and give him an honest and decent relationship. I'm going to give him my whole heart, one whole, not all these little pieces that you've chopped it into.
I just want to smile again.
When is it going to stop hurting?
Will it ever?
.. and I will always remember you as you are right now today
So what a weekend it has been. Friday nights out are the best :) Had such a good time getting away from everything, kicking back, eating chocolate and watching a chick flick with one of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Saturday, work, eh, whatever right? But hey! My supervisior is AMAZZINGG, let me go home earrrly! I love rainy saturdays. And then today, not horrible either. had my fair share of laughs, because i love amelia and skyeeeee.
But what's going on right now though, is what's entirely different. We're finally talking, deciding what exactly went wrong. But do we want to fix it? I'm not sure. Is there anything worth saving? There used to be. But is there now? Like I said, I don't know. it's hard to grasp the fact that if it was me that's always been that special one then how could I have been dumped three times in a span of four months? You've done it again- you've crawled into the very depths of my soul and attached yourself so that I can't get along without you. And you want out of my life and you've kicked up a hell of a lot of dust on your fancy exit out. But I can't watch you leave.
On the other hand, i can't let you stay and prevent other opportunities from growing into something that could make me happy. you've made me happy for years. but you've done a lot of damage in that time too. i want him- he's made me happy so far. and i want it to grow into something that i'm happy with, but i'm not sure if it can or if it will. I really don't. And i don't know how long to wait for him. I waited for you- so shouldn't I wait for him? But I don't want to fall into another endless pit either.
It's hard to choose.
But I'm thinking that you've made the choice for me- someone else got into your head and fucked it up and screwed me over. Not you, me. Messed everything up for ME. You were fine. It was me that lost in the end. So now, I'm going to give him all the time he needs. I'm going to work at this and give him an honest and decent relationship. I'm going to give him my whole heart, one whole, not all these little pieces that you've chopped it into.
I just want to smile again.
When is it going to stop hurting?
Will it ever?
.. and I will always remember you as you are right now today
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