Winter Break

Having a car is nice. I've had plans every single day of vacation. i didnt sit around and rot. i love that :D

So I realized that I haven't been blogging for awhile like I used to every day, and I'm kind of proud of that. I've grasped my life by the reigns and led it in the direction that I want it to go- instead of just blog-complaining about it and letting everyone else eventually read it and help me fix it.

I fix things for myself now- end of story.

I'm not afraid to ask for help. Because I know that Ian, Taylor and Kevin will all answer the phone at 2 AM. Seeming as all three of them have in the past. You three have been my rock through everything, you've always supported me, even if you didnt like my choices or my decisions, you still found ways to let me know that it'll all be okay.

So if I need to ask for help, I know where I can find it.

And I know that if i never need someone to listen to me, i can turn to ashleigh. i know she'll be there for me.

But for this new year, my goal is going to be to realize those who haven't betrayed me, or gone against me, or picked up a knife and stabbed me. I gave it a longg thought process, (seeming as I was up well into the first hours of the morning on a caffeine buzz) and I've realized who has been there for me and done anything to help me.

I help those who help me.

More importantly, this year is going to be the year that I decide things. I'm tired of letting other people's influences and decisions shape who I am. That's done. It's all me now. I'm going to let everyone do whatever they want to do- go ahead and do it. Be with who you want to be with, say what you want to say, do what you want to do, I'm done caring about it if it's going to negatively influence me, or if it has in the past, I'm done with it.

So, here's to the fact that I am a strong, independent, amazing individual, and that I will do anything to help my friends. The ones who have proven to me that they'll stand beside me in the storms, until I can get back on my feet again.

The end.

Ian, you owe me ten bucks. :D

I won. and i hate it.

As of 11:59 tonight, I win.
I'm jumping the gun by a few hours but hey, it's okay.
I won.
And that. completely. blows.

I miss you :(

10/14/64 - 12/11/00

Only The Good Die Young.

I Love you.

May you continue to rest in peace, always.

<3

They used to call me Ace...

that died too.

That part of me is dead. Gone. never. coming. back.

And I guess partially that's okay.

But it still hurts all the same.

Get me the hell out.

who are you to judge me? who are you to decide what i'm feeling, about who, and why? this is called getting to know each other, and that's it. it's nothing serious and he's too good of a guy to want me anyways, so f it, i'm done explaining that to everyone.

because thinking it over.. i've come to realize that he's way too good for me. he's so amazing and i've truly enjoyed all the time i've spent talking with him and the hours we sat just sitting there talking to each other about the most random things. it was the best night i'd had in forever and it made me feel more complete than anything, and i don't want to throw that all away. but.. i feel like there's so much better out there and why he'd want to settle for me, i don't know. that's probably why he knows that- he's not settling and he's just gonna skim on by.

that's what they all have done so far, and it's what they willl continue to do in the future.

Venting...

So tomorrow is the day that I bring a guy home for the first time. To introduce him to my parents, have them meet him, sit down, talk to him, and get to know him. And I already know they're gonna love him, he's a really good guy. He's sweet and funny and caring and he's everything that my "daddy's always wanted for his little girl." Plus, he's going to meet my brother. Which is a huge step for me, because I only introduce people to my brother who are of super significant importance to me, (which means by the way while i'm thinking about it ian, kevin and taylor, you all need to meet him!) because part of his disability is the fact that he gets really attached to people so i only introduce him to people who are going to stay in his life for a very long time.

now onto the day.... i havent blogged in a few days but today is one of those days that i need it.

Shit happens. One of my best friends told me that he doesn't love me. Which is a very painful thing to hear, because I've layed a lot out on the line and opened up at lot lately to people who seem to care... so who else is gonna do that to me now? My jaw dropped, my body tensed, and I walked away. I thought I was going to cry. I really did. It was horrible.

Mod B, someone made fun of my brother. I don't care how nice he is, what's he's been through or what he's currently going through. You do. not. make. fun. of. my. brother. And then, people get angry at me for getting defensive over my brother.. cut me some slack. better yet, cut me the whole god damned rope, because my brother is the one person in my life who NEEDS ME, he needs me every single day of his life, without me, my brother wouldn't have half of the things he has today. I have sacrificed so much for that kid, and I'd do it all over again. Everything I do is for him, so think twice before you stick it in my face, kiddo, seriously. You don't know shit about me.

So then discussing the events of mod b afterwards, she gets angry with me because she thinks that i'm upset because of nick. It had nothing to do with him. And she snapped at me for it. She genuinely had no reason to, telling me to cut him slack because of the hell he is going through. Sorry but me cutting Nick slack was me forgiving him for walking out on me. I wasn't even upset with him in the first place. I never thought that you'd get upset and yell at the one person who has stood by your side through everything, no matter what.

It hurts, it really does. I'm not angry. I'm really not. I'm hurt. Genuinely and deeply hurt. I don't know how else to explain it.

But, shit happens and people snap at you for the things that mean the most to them.

It is what it is, and no one can change it. But for right now, I'm going to continue being upset.

OH! TAYLOR! Your haircut looks amazing, and thanks for listening to me today.

ahhhh.

X's and O's

Cause it's a cold, cold december...

Ahhh December... it's the worst month of the entire year because all you want is vacation, so the remainder of the time before then is completely useless, because your mind set is on the new years eve parties and sleeping in late every day for like, two weeks.

But today was the day that hell froze over. I've always said that the day Nick apologized to me would be the day that hell indeed did freeze over. So, that day is today.

There's so much that I could sit here and rant about, like getting corrosive acid on my hand and burning my fingers in chemistry, but it's only going to make this feeling worse, soooo.

This is it for me. I've cashed in my chips, I'm all done. I'll never giving up on you, because I can't ever let you go, but I can't keep trying to make you feel something if you don't. Either you do or you don't... and I'm really not sure which it is.

So I am going upstairs to do some algebra homework that I don't understand and then US History and other such stupid things of the sort.