I went to visit my uncle this morning. I took the drive, and passed thousands and thousands of granite stones with various names, and dates, until I came to the two trees aligned between the two statues, just over half way up. And there, in goldplated granite, read, David A. Daigle, 1964-2000.
He was only 36 years old, and the accident was exactly that- an accident. Reports have been filed, re-enactments made, specialists have analyzed it over and over, but it doesn't change the fact that he's dead and there's no way to fix that. I don't give a flying leap how many times you build it up and tear it down, how many fancy people in white hard hats look at the paperwork, it was an accident.
An accident, at that, that took away one of the most important people in my life.
I stayed for a few moments, as many as I could bear, and then left. And as I made my way out of the cemetary, I realized how different life would be if he was still around. How many guys he would have scared the living hell out of, how many times I'd been able to turn to him, how many days I would have spent in his pool with my cousins.
But, life changes.
I started to analyze my entire life and face the facts that hey, I could be gone tomorrow. Not that I plan to be. But do you think my uncle planned to be, with a wife, an eleven year old son and an eight year old daugher at home? Of course not. But he was happy, truly happy, until the very moment that he died.
I have to start living like that.
So in honor of my uncle, who would have never approved of you, you are no longer an important part of my life. I've said that before, but I'm damn solid this time. I tried so hard to make you see how much you meant to me and you threw it all out the window every single time. So, you are no longer important to me, and no longer will I particulary care what you do or say. Because when it comes to me, you don't do or say anything. At all.
You won't make me stop in my tracks anymore. Whenever I make eye contact, I'm going to stare at the ground and walk away. I wont let my heart skip when I see a silver grand am and I'll stop checking the license plate on a teal ford.
It'll just take some time. That's all.
Now that summer's knocking at the front door, it's time to stop being so upset and so depressed and take a stand, and make things happen.
Face it, Amy. The rocks are leaving. The entire life that you created this past year is going to be leaving in a few days. My big sister is leaving. My brother is leaving. The two people that I have relied on for everything for the past five years are going to be gone in a matter of minutes. Diplomas in hand they're gonna be gone. It's time that I stand up for myself and be independent and not try to rely on them so much. I have to realize that the past five years have prepared me for this moment that I have to say good bye to them both. Now that it's here, I see exactly the degree of difficulty that I'm going to have. I know I'll be able to land on my feet, because that's what they'd want me to do.
I've rehearsed it in my head so many times, how many different ways I can say thank you for being my everything for five years of my life. But how can you put five years worth into five minutes? It's really not a simple task;; I've completely deemed it impossible.
So I'll stop making it about me, and just thank them for making my life so amazing and being everything I've needed them to be. I'll try not to cry, give them each a hug, and send them off and wish them the best.
Moral for the day- live for today. Because tomorrow? Just might never come.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I wanna write, I really do, I just can't seem to think of anything that I can substantially write about. So maybe I'll just rattle off stuff until something sounds right.
Well, my mom's really sick. She has some infection thing in her tooth or something, I don't really know. But she's sick so my dad is tense so everyone else is tense.
( just wanna get outta here. )
I found out the other day that someone I've always cared about is with a 26 year old.
And he's taking her to prom.
( just wanna get outta here. )
I might have to get cut open, and when I asked someone special if he'd come visit me, he asked why, and if it's because I'm pregnant.
( just wanna get outta here. )
I worked a 6 day week and am going to do the same thing next week.
( just wanna get outta here. )
I got paid up on all my insurance and car payments, and was really excited. Wiped myself out almost dry, but now I was ahead of the game and can pay it all off that much faster. Oh wait- registration is due next week. Shit.
( just wanna get outta here. )
So my mood is relatively gloomy, because there's just a lot going on and a lot of what I can't control.
Now what am I supposed to do?
I'm worn out.
Is it summer yet?
Well, my mom's really sick. She has some infection thing in her tooth or something, I don't really know. But she's sick so my dad is tense so everyone else is tense.
( just wanna get outta here. )
I found out the other day that someone I've always cared about is with a 26 year old.
And he's taking her to prom.
( just wanna get outta here. )
I might have to get cut open, and when I asked someone special if he'd come visit me, he asked why, and if it's because I'm pregnant.
( just wanna get outta here. )
I worked a 6 day week and am going to do the same thing next week.
( just wanna get outta here. )
I got paid up on all my insurance and car payments, and was really excited. Wiped myself out almost dry, but now I was ahead of the game and can pay it all off that much faster. Oh wait- registration is due next week. Shit.
( just wanna get outta here. )
So my mood is relatively gloomy, because there's just a lot going on and a lot of what I can't control.
Now what am I supposed to do?
I'm worn out.
Is it summer yet?
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Guns dont kill people;; People kill people.
As I was looking through the vast selection of Goodwill books one night last week, I came across one that was entitled "memos of common sense for your boss/employer." Having a bit of employment struggles lately, I sat on the arm of the wide seated oriental upholstered chair in the book section, and start to skim through a few pages. Page 5 says, "If you're good to your employees, they'll help you. If not, they can hurt you." I realized, it's right. Bosses only look good if they get a good review from customers. Customers give good reviews if the staff gives a great service to them. We give great service when we're happy- a direct reflection on the bosses.
So where am I going with this one? I'm going to the fact that, in this example, one person's influence affects everyone and everything else around them. Whether willingly and deliberate, or quite the contrary, you influence everything else around you. Back to my Goodwill explanation. When I'm happy with my supervisor, my work gets done faster and the store looks cleaner. When I'm not, everything gets done slower. And q u a l i t y, hah, that's like swearing on your grandmother's grave. So forget about quality when you're upset with your boss.
After that, you spread that far and beyond the confinements of work. You spread it through your body language. The tone of your texts. Your facebook status. And hey, even your blog entries that only important people would still be ready at this point. (:
But the most influential thing in life, is the people.
I've met someone influential to me every step of the way though life- I met the people who cared for me all summer every summer. I met the first girls I called my friends.
But I met the most influential person of my life in seventh grade. In 7th grade I was a mess, as everyone very well knows. I didn't like who I was. I didn't know WHO I was, but I didn't like whoever that person was. I'd look in the mirror and most of the time, stare in awe and fight back tears. Who the hell WAS this? But, he grabbed me right as I was about to float away into nothingness. He pulled me back down to Earth. He held me down with every ounce and force he had, and ripped through every bit and fiber of my being. He invaded my head. This man, just a crazy fourteen year old at that point, heard what I didn't. Saw what I couldn't. Did what I wouldn't. He took every positive ounce of memory I had, multiplied it, and shoved it back into my face. He'd work at me every day, chisel and pickaxe, bit by bit the ice chips flew away. I finally met the very beginning of myself that thay. That day that he'd no longer be the person who founded me. And of course I had to be stupid and fall in love with him. But in my own defense, how could you not? After someone gave themself to you for so long, who gave you everything, who protected you until you could stretch your very own wings and fly. It was difficult to ignore a love like that.
As he was no longer around, that person I called me left with him. He made the very soul that filled my heart. And it was the most pain I'd ever felt in my entire life. It was unbearable at points and I didn't know how to handle it. It was withdrawl, that's what it was. No matter how much he frustrated, irritated or annoyed me, it didn't matter. I just needed him.
And now, I have less than one month with him as my guide. As a piece of my soul. Once his paper is in his hand with all those fancy signatures that I know he won't even care to look at, that's it. It's all done. It's over. i don't know what his plans are, or where he's going, what the next stone in the path is. But what I do know for certain is that he has been protecting me for the past five years. And I know he wouldn't leave me if he didn't think I was ready to stretch my very own wings and fly. he must know something I don't. He always did. So when that piece of paper comes and says, Congratulations Nick French, you graduated. It'll be like I'm graduating too- up to the next level of me being me, flying with my own wings.
Back tracking now a bit to my sophomore year. That was the year I met one of the other influential people of my life. Nick introduced me to so many new faces that year, many of which wouldn't know me today if I crossed their path. But there was one that I could never quite shake. I won't play guessing games with this one, it's Scott. Yeah, Scott. Every time I'd walk past him in the hallway, I'd look down or to the side or at the wall or at my feet or at me phone or anything other than him. I could never make eye contact with him. Nick had once previously introduced us in a rainy courtyard morning. This is my buddy, Scott, he said. Afterwards he said to me, don't get any ideas. Too late nick, too late. Scott looked at me, smiled, and then walked away. And that was it. BUt ever since that moment I had never been able to get him completely out of my head or look him straight in the eye. I was too afraid to. And then this year when he geot my number (very clever, actually, I applaud him on that one, it was pretty brilliant) and every day for almost a month we'd do nothing but talk. All day. Every day. Sometimes about important things and sometimes about absolutely nothing at all. I could open up to him, tell him how I felt... and I was at that point where I felt things couldn't get any better than this.
I was right, they didn't.
I wasn't in love with Nick anymore. How it happened, I really don't know. And I'm glad that I'm not. He's always been a brother to me and that's always what he will be.
But with that being said, Scott changed everything about me. He made me whole again. He changed my outlook on life. He made me happy like no one and nothing else could. He saved my life, so to speak.
Sometimes influential people jsut don't realize their importance in your life and choose to go unrecognized. Well, guess what. I refuse to allow it. I'm recognizing it the fact that you have definitely, for sure, changed my life.
But both of these people's influence is not something I take lightly. What I've come to realize is that these people's influence on my life is nothing more than me putting myself into their hands. They influence my life because I let them.
The biggest influence now, looking back on all the people I've met along the way, is myself. Of course, there have been all those people like Nick and Scott here and there that help me sway to one side or the other. But in the end, it's me. This is me. ALl me. I'm solid and standing on firm, solid ground on my very own two feet. These feet were indeed created by the two influences in my life. And now with that, I stand here, completely happy with who I am, and the choices I've made, and those being ones I can r e s p e c t. I've come a long way since that little girl in seventh grade. But I am finally here, ready to stand tall. But I've waited all my life for this moment, to feel this way. So maybe it took a little bit of hairdye and a few new pairs of jeans, but I'm finally happy and content. I love who I am, and whom I've come to be.
And I have these two amazing men to thank for that.
I am me, and I stand tall.
I'll never crumble, waiver at all.
You started me off, cared for me well.
Helped me up whenever I fell.
But now I see that I am me,
And this is how it's supposed to be.
I'm going to be the only person who influences my own life from this point forward. I can't let anyone else change who I am, because, I just can't go through the pain again.
So where am I going with this one? I'm going to the fact that, in this example, one person's influence affects everyone and everything else around them. Whether willingly and deliberate, or quite the contrary, you influence everything else around you. Back to my Goodwill explanation. When I'm happy with my supervisor, my work gets done faster and the store looks cleaner. When I'm not, everything gets done slower. And q u a l i t y, hah, that's like swearing on your grandmother's grave. So forget about quality when you're upset with your boss.
After that, you spread that far and beyond the confinements of work. You spread it through your body language. The tone of your texts. Your facebook status. And hey, even your blog entries that only important people would still be ready at this point. (:
But the most influential thing in life, is the people.
I've met someone influential to me every step of the way though life- I met the people who cared for me all summer every summer. I met the first girls I called my friends.
But I met the most influential person of my life in seventh grade. In 7th grade I was a mess, as everyone very well knows. I didn't like who I was. I didn't know WHO I was, but I didn't like whoever that person was. I'd look in the mirror and most of the time, stare in awe and fight back tears. Who the hell WAS this? But, he grabbed me right as I was about to float away into nothingness. He pulled me back down to Earth. He held me down with every ounce and force he had, and ripped through every bit and fiber of my being. He invaded my head. This man, just a crazy fourteen year old at that point, heard what I didn't. Saw what I couldn't. Did what I wouldn't. He took every positive ounce of memory I had, multiplied it, and shoved it back into my face. He'd work at me every day, chisel and pickaxe, bit by bit the ice chips flew away. I finally met the very beginning of myself that thay. That day that he'd no longer be the person who founded me. And of course I had to be stupid and fall in love with him. But in my own defense, how could you not? After someone gave themself to you for so long, who gave you everything, who protected you until you could stretch your very own wings and fly. It was difficult to ignore a love like that.
As he was no longer around, that person I called me left with him. He made the very soul that filled my heart. And it was the most pain I'd ever felt in my entire life. It was unbearable at points and I didn't know how to handle it. It was withdrawl, that's what it was. No matter how much he frustrated, irritated or annoyed me, it didn't matter. I just needed him.
And now, I have less than one month with him as my guide. As a piece of my soul. Once his paper is in his hand with all those fancy signatures that I know he won't even care to look at, that's it. It's all done. It's over. i don't know what his plans are, or where he's going, what the next stone in the path is. But what I do know for certain is that he has been protecting me for the past five years. And I know he wouldn't leave me if he didn't think I was ready to stretch my very own wings and fly. he must know something I don't. He always did. So when that piece of paper comes and says, Congratulations Nick French, you graduated. It'll be like I'm graduating too- up to the next level of me being me, flying with my own wings.
Back tracking now a bit to my sophomore year. That was the year I met one of the other influential people of my life. Nick introduced me to so many new faces that year, many of which wouldn't know me today if I crossed their path. But there was one that I could never quite shake. I won't play guessing games with this one, it's Scott. Yeah, Scott. Every time I'd walk past him in the hallway, I'd look down or to the side or at the wall or at my feet or at me phone or anything other than him. I could never make eye contact with him. Nick had once previously introduced us in a rainy courtyard morning. This is my buddy, Scott, he said. Afterwards he said to me, don't get any ideas. Too late nick, too late. Scott looked at me, smiled, and then walked away. And that was it. BUt ever since that moment I had never been able to get him completely out of my head or look him straight in the eye. I was too afraid to. And then this year when he geot my number (very clever, actually, I applaud him on that one, it was pretty brilliant) and every day for almost a month we'd do nothing but talk. All day. Every day. Sometimes about important things and sometimes about absolutely nothing at all. I could open up to him, tell him how I felt... and I was at that point where I felt things couldn't get any better than this.
I was right, they didn't.
I wasn't in love with Nick anymore. How it happened, I really don't know. And I'm glad that I'm not. He's always been a brother to me and that's always what he will be.
But with that being said, Scott changed everything about me. He made me whole again. He changed my outlook on life. He made me happy like no one and nothing else could. He saved my life, so to speak.
Sometimes influential people jsut don't realize their importance in your life and choose to go unrecognized. Well, guess what. I refuse to allow it. I'm recognizing it the fact that you have definitely, for sure, changed my life.
But both of these people's influence is not something I take lightly. What I've come to realize is that these people's influence on my life is nothing more than me putting myself into their hands. They influence my life because I let them.
The biggest influence now, looking back on all the people I've met along the way, is myself. Of course, there have been all those people like Nick and Scott here and there that help me sway to one side or the other. But in the end, it's me. This is me. ALl me. I'm solid and standing on firm, solid ground on my very own two feet. These feet were indeed created by the two influences in my life. And now with that, I stand here, completely happy with who I am, and the choices I've made, and those being ones I can r e s p e c t. I've come a long way since that little girl in seventh grade. But I am finally here, ready to stand tall. But I've waited all my life for this moment, to feel this way. So maybe it took a little bit of hairdye and a few new pairs of jeans, but I'm finally happy and content. I love who I am, and whom I've come to be.
And I have these two amazing men to thank for that.
I am me, and I stand tall.
I'll never crumble, waiver at all.
You started me off, cared for me well.
Helped me up whenever I fell.
But now I see that I am me,
And this is how it's supposed to be.
I'm going to be the only person who influences my own life from this point forward. I can't let anyone else change who I am, because, I just can't go through the pain again.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
"i THINK he wanted to do you....
He thought you were an easy lay."
Well guess what, I'm not. Thanks very much :)
I thought that'd be a funny way to start off my blog :D
Anyhow, so I finally took the time a few days ago to let someone know how I feel.
The same person that it's been since just about the beginning of the school year.
He's still as amazing as he ever was <3
And I don't care who doesn't like it- he's so important to me and if you're gonna bash on him, go rot in hell.
The only person's opinion about him who's matters is my own.
If you don't like him, I don't care.
I'm going to do everything I can to make things work out, and make him happy.
He deserves the best and I know I'm not, but I'm going to put my best into everything and hope that it's enough.
You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed. sing like a bird, dizzy in my head. sing like a record, crazy on a sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe. Shine like gold, buzz like a bee. Just the thought of you can drive me wild,
Oh you make me smile <3
I hope you know that I'm in this for the long haul, hun, I wanna be your everything :D
xo.
Well guess what, I'm not. Thanks very much :)
I thought that'd be a funny way to start off my blog :D
Anyhow, so I finally took the time a few days ago to let someone know how I feel.
The same person that it's been since just about the beginning of the school year.
He's still as amazing as he ever was <3
And I don't care who doesn't like it- he's so important to me and if you're gonna bash on him, go rot in hell.
The only person's opinion about him who's matters is my own.
If you don't like him, I don't care.
I'm going to do everything I can to make things work out, and make him happy.
He deserves the best and I know I'm not, but I'm going to put my best into everything and hope that it's enough.
You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed. sing like a bird, dizzy in my head. sing like a record, crazy on a sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe. Shine like gold, buzz like a bee. Just the thought of you can drive me wild,
Oh you make me smile <3
I hope you know that I'm in this for the long haul, hun, I wanna be your everything :D
xo.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
I don't why I trusted you but i knew I could
I've decided to cut him from my life. Completely. He doesn't care about how he's treating me and I've decided he can't do it anymore.
As difficult as it is, as much as it hurts. I have to do it. It can't keep hurting forever.
He's chosen a life that doesnt include me in it, so why should I try to keep including him in mine?
He was my everything, my rock, my shoulder to cry on. He made everything okay again. I used to smile every time I'd hear his name. I used to pick up extra shifts to see him. I used to fall on every word. My heart would race every time I'd hear him say my name, every time he'd hug me or hold my hand. I wish he realized how important he was to me;; everyone else saw it but him.
So, it's the end now. I'm not trying anymore. I'm gonna be me.
" Sometimes I wish we could pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come tell me, is this the end? "
As difficult as it is, as much as it hurts. I have to do it. It can't keep hurting forever.
He's chosen a life that doesnt include me in it, so why should I try to keep including him in mine?
He was my everything, my rock, my shoulder to cry on. He made everything okay again. I used to smile every time I'd hear his name. I used to pick up extra shifts to see him. I used to fall on every word. My heart would race every time I'd hear him say my name, every time he'd hug me or hold my hand. I wish he realized how important he was to me;; everyone else saw it but him.
So, it's the end now. I'm not trying anymore. I'm gonna be me.
" Sometimes I wish we could pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come tell me, is this the end? "
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